Sunday, June 02, 2024
40 things I've learnt about sex over the last 40 years
1) Nothing ever prepares you for the first time...
2) ... not even the fact that the biology textbook always falls open at the same page
3) The first time is always a ghastly mistake (I'm extrapolating this from a single occurrence, obviously)
4) The second time isn't much better
5) It does get better eventually, but intermittently
6) When it's good, nothing prepares you for how good it is
7) It swiftly becomes apparent that sex education is inadequate
8) Some people need it regularly and crave quantity over quality (oddly enough they're the unlucky ones)
9) Some people don't need it regularly and prefer quality to quantity (oddly enough they're the fortunate ones)
10) People in the former category should wash their sheets more often
11) You should always know where your towel is (ideally within arm's reach)
12) The nagging urge that says you must do it because it'll be excellent is too often wrong
13) You always wish you were doing it more frequently than you actually are
14) Sometimes you can wait for months only for it to last for seconds
15) Remember, the other person's supposed to enjoy the experience at least as much as you are
16) People who you'd really like to do it with generally don't want to do it with you
17) People who'd really like to do it with you, you'd generally not touch with a bargepole
18) You only spot people you'd really like to do it with when it's impossible to make contact with them (eg at a funeral, on the opposite escalator, from the top of a bus, on the way into work)
19) Just because someone's gorgeous doesn't make them compatible
20) Always listen to the small inner voice that screams "no, don't" (because it's invariably correct)
21) Certain very bad things are actually terribly enjoyable
22) It takes an annoyingly long time to work out how you like to do it best (only to be disappointed by how few other people like to do it that way)
23) The more you narrow your tastes, the less likely they'll be satisfied
24) Orifices aren't everything
25) You get more if you couple up (and far less if you don't)
26) Unprotected, no other activity can either create a life or destroy it
27) Never do it without considering all the possible consequences
28) Never do it in a single bed and stay the night (your spine will regret it)
29) It works better if the hotel maid doesn't interrupt
30) Sometimes "oh go on then, why not?" beats "eek, no"
31) Sometimes "eek, no" beats "oh go on, then why not?"
32) The internet has made doing it much easier
33) Smartphone apps have made doing it ridiculously easy
34) Just because it's become ridiculously easy to do, doesn't mean everyone's doing it
35) The most erogenous organ is the brain
36) As you get older, you may still want to do it but fewer people are interested
37) The trick is to end up with more memories than regrets
38) There's nothing worse than waking up next to someone you realise you shouldn't have done it with
39) There's nothing better than doing it, then falling asleep in the arms of the one you love (but only so long as they're thinking the same thing)
40) You'll never forget the first time, but you won't notice it's the last time
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