I caught the train from Whitechapel to Stratford, just the one stop, and saw lots of people doings things I'd never do.
The man opposite had drawn a smiley face on his jeans, and I'd never do that. The right leg of his trousers had two eyes and a barbed wire smile drawn just below the knee, seemingly in marker pen although I guess it could have been manufactured like that for street fashion reasons. If I get a mark on my trousers I wash it off and get quite annoyed if it proves to be permanent. His trousers were also artfully ripped throughout, this time I think before purchase, and I wouldn't have bought those. If I get a small rip in my jeans - let's be fair usually in the crotch area - I usually stop wearing them once the tear gets beyond a certain point because holey trousers are embarrassing and I'd never do that.
The woman alongside was eating chips, and I'd never do that. The smell of hot food always permeates, indeed her wafting fried odour proved this, so I prefer to eat only non-smelly food aboard a busy train or preferably nothing at all. What's more she was eating chips out of a cup, an actual paper cup like they serve takeaway coffee in except this held takeaway chips. I would never buy chips in a cup because cups aren't very big so you don't get many chips in them. What you want is chips in a bag because at least that way you get more potato for your money. These chips looked a bit bigger than the crispy matchsticks McDonalds claim are French fries, but still not as plump as the chips I'd have bought if I were buying chips. What's more she was dipping her chips in mayonnaise before she ate them - she had a little jar - and I would never dip chips in mayonnaise because it's the devil's sauce and makes everything you dip it in taste worse. I understand not everybody thinks this about mayonnaise, you may love it and she obviously did, but I'm telling you what I'd never do and I'd never dip anything whatsoever in bloody mayo. What's more her jar of mayonnaise was really tiny, about the size of the jamjar you'd get for breakfast in a hotel, and it looked like proper Hellmann's from the side of the label. Tiny jars of condiments are usually appalling value for money, in this case possibly more expensive than the chips, and I would always opt for a larger more efficient size rather than a tiny one-serving container because that's just wasting money and resources. Blimey, I thought as I watched her feed herself, I would never do any of that.
The next group of three were having a loud discussion, and I'd never do that. I'm not averse to a conversation on a train if I'm in company, but I try to keep the volume down so that people nearby can't hear every word I say. This would especially be the case if I had a loud booming voice like one of the three did, because I'd hope I'd have the sense of presence to turn it down and not broadcast everything to all and sundry. Instead I had to listen to full details of "where all the ambassadors go" and much much more, all accompanied by extravagant hand gestures which is something else I wouldn't do either. One of the trio was sipping from a bottle of Lipton lemon ice tea and heavens no, I'd never do that. If I think I might be thirsty on a journey I bring a drink from home, either tap water in a refillable bottle or real tea in a thermos flask. More normally I do without, I don't buy this need to hydrate at every available opportunity, I'm not going to faint with exhaustion unless water passes my lips. And even if I was suddenly desperate I wouldn't waste £2 on a half litre of a pissy American soft drink, I'd buy the cheapest possible bottle of ordinary water and even then feel pretty bad about myself for doing so, which is why in practice I never do that.
One of the passengers had had their ear pierced five times, and I'd never do that. I'm of an age where having your ear pierced was never really the done thing, and by the time males with earrings were more acceptable I was past the threshold where it might have looked normal, plus I wouldn't have done it anyway. They had an armful of tattoos too, a symbolic jumble rather than a proper sleeve, neither of which I would have deemed acceptable on myself. For a start it hurts, then I wouldn't know what to get given I'd have to live with it forever, but mainly I've seen enough grizzled 70 year-old forearms in my time to know that ink rarely ages well. Perhaps more intriguingly they were wearing a t-shirt with artwork and a slogan and that's something else I never do myself. I don't like walking round with words emblazoned on my chest, I prefer unbranded clothing because that way people are less likely to jump to conclusions about what I think or do. Earrings and tattoos are one thing, but if I ever sat down with a therapist I suspect they'd be much more interested in why I insist on plain-fronted clothing, not that therapy's something I'd ever do either.
A lady to my left had her gaze fixed on her phone and was endlessly scrolling down on social media viewing whatever content they dished up, and I'd never do that. Obviously I do look at my phone on public transport but she was relentless... watch, scroll, watch, scroll, dismiss, watch, like, scroll, watch, scroll, watch. These weren't people she actually followed, not all of them, they were curated posts and gobbets of marketing content, perhaps also viewpoints on social issues of dubious origin. But I'd never ever surrender my on-train entertainment to a succession of posts I had no control over - I follow particular people for a reason - nor would I sanction an endless diet of promoted content. She also had a bottle of vapour-distilled electrolyte-heavy Smart Water in her rucksack, but you already know I wouldn't do that.
Another passenger had a basket on wheels decorated in a floral pattern, and I'd never do that. OK I say that now because I'm still sufficiently fit and healthy to be able to carry my own purchases, but even if one day that's no longer an option I'm certain I'd never get a basket on wheels and buy the floral version.
Someone of uncertain age and sex had their hood up over their face, and I'd never do that. I don't wear hoodies for a start - if it rains I just get wet - and even if I did I'd never have the hood up while inside.
One of the male passengers had his hair in a man bun, and I'd never do that. I'm fortunate that I still could if I wanted, I've not lost any of it yet, but my judgement is that it wouldn't suit me and I'd look a right knob if I tried.
There was also a passenger wearing a face covering, and I thought who am I to judge, if you want to do that go ahead, it's not hurting anyone, I'm sure you have your reasons, even though I'd never do that now.
As we pulled into Stratford one of the passengers stood up and his lanyard dangled free, and I'd never do that. I hated my lanyard when I was at work and kept it in my pocket, even though that was technically in contravention of HR protocol. But at least I was only ever expected to wear it at work, and yet this man was willingly wearing it in public announcing to all and sundry who he was. His name was Joachim Kane because it said so in the corner of his lanyard in easy to read letters, alongside the name of his place of work which was at a well-known location. Obviously his name wasn't really Joachim Kane, I've made that up because I have no intention of contributing further to his lack of privacy, but I could have used his real name because it's that easy when someone has their identity in plain view around their neck. Personally I always made sure my lanyard was hidden from view the second I left the office because I understood the importance of not revealing too much about myself in public, but I worry the younger generation has no such qualms because they've been moulded to make life easy for those in positions of surveillance, and I'd never do that.
It was only five minutes on the train but I saw so many people doing so many things I'd never do... and the important thing is that's fine. Just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean they shouldn't, it's a free country, and none of them were lesser people purely because they acted differently to me. We shouldn't sit there endlessly passing judgement on others because they they're doing something we'd never do, that's their prerogative, indeed how much better life would be if we simply observed others and didn't judge them by our own personal standards. I hope I'd never do that.
