diamond geezer

 Thursday, January 15, 2004


Dear President Bush

Thank you for your interest in our homeworld. We in the Lunar Government are delighted to hear that you and your countrymen plan to visit our Moon in the near future. However, we would like to make you aware of our new LUNAR-VISIT immigration protocol. LUNAR-VISIT helps to secure our borders and expedite the entry/exit process while enhancing the integrity of our immigration system and respecting the privacy of our visitors. We will require that your astronauts comply with these updated security procedures on all future visits to our interplanetary moonspace.

All astronauts travelling visa-free to the Moon after 26 October 2004 must present a new macro-biological cellular passport on arrival at Lunar border controls. These passports contain biometric data including DNA samples, iris scans, tentacle prints and braincell holograms. We are aware that macro-biological passports are not yet available on your home world. To be honest, they're not available on ours yet either. However, agreed standards for biometric travel documents are universal and all appropriate documentation has been readily available on the sub-etherweb for the last 4.3 solar years.

Those travellers who use ordinary passports issued after 26 October 2004 that do not contain a biometric identifier will be required to obtain a Lunar visa. These visas cost ©25 (6 billion of your Earth dollars) and can only be obtained in person from a Lunar Embassy, such as that located conveniently on nearby Alpha Centauri. On arrival at the embassy your astronauts should expect to queue for up to three days, to be grilled in a decontamination cavern and to be ritually humiliated by our administrative staff.

When your next lunar mission is finally ready to embark, please ensure that no sharp implements are packed in your astronauts' hand luggage. We also ask that astronauts refrain from queueing by the anti-grav lavatories while in transit, no matter how desperate they might be after 72 hours in space. On arrival at 'Sea of Tranquility Interplanetary Spaceport' our admissibility personnel will check individual surnames against a list of known terrorists. Our most wanted list is headed by the notorious Apollo moonrock thieves 'Armstrong' and 'Aldrin'. Never doubt our unflinching resolve to avenge the unprovoked geological attacks of 1969.

The Lunar Government looks forward to greeting your future ambassadors, assuming that this latest announcement of yours isn't merely a cynical election year pipedream. However, we regret to inform you that Lunar citizens are no longer making plans to visit your nation. America's latest paranoid security arrangements have been the last straw for potential alien tourists, and we can't be bothered to come visiting any more. Shame, because we used to enjoy buzzing flying saucers over the more remote parts of your Arizona desert. Your ridiculous new border controls border on madness, and we refuse to demean ourselves by submitting to your arrogant, petty-minded demands. So George, sorry, but that's the way it is. It's lunar, see.

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