diamond geezer

 Thursday, May 07, 2015

Vote2015: The possibilities

If you're reading this in the future, the outcome of the General Election will always have been obvious. All the signs were there, all the pieces clearly in place, to produce the inevitable end result. David Cameron said that thing, and Ed Miliband did that thing, and then there was Scotland, coupled with the number of Liberal Democrats, not forgetting UKIP, and the polls told the story, and the whole thing could only have ended one way. But this morning, as the polling stations open, we've not got a clue.

Here then, are a few possible scenarios for what happens next. Why not pick and mix your predictions?

 Labour coalitionIt's complicatedConservative coalition
Thursday (am)Ed Miliband heads down to the polling station to carve his vote in stone.Nigel Farage dons a horned helmet and rides a tank into Ramsgate’s floral gardens.Voters in marginal constituencies awake to find a free copy of The Sun stuffed in their letterbox.
Thursday (am)Boris Johnson is seen piling all his Mayoral paperwork into an archive box.All the stubby pencils in Thanet South have been replaced by shiny purple biros.For one day only, McDonalds launch the half price Red Ed Bacon Burger.
Thursday (pm)When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to spite the rich bastards.When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to keep the darkies out.When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to keep the economy 'on track'.
Thursday (10pm)As Big Ben bongs, it looks like the Conservatives will only have 15 seats more than Labour, so have lost.The BBC, ITV and Sky all announce the results of their joint exit poll, and each calls it a different way.Adding up the predictions, it becomes apparent that Shy Tories emerged in large numbers when nobody was looking.
Friday (am)As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that England’s future rests solely on what Scotland thinks.As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that the nightmare arithmetical scenario is coming true.As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that the new government will contain only English MPs.
Friday (am)A constituency nobody thought was marginal is suddenly the most marginal in the country.People staying up to watch the results fall asleep before the crucial seats at 6am.Despite not standing, Lutfur Rahman is elected MP for Bethnal Green and Bow.
Friday (pm)Despite having fewer seats, Labour spin doctors call the election for their favourite second place party.Nick Clegg loses his seat, and both main parties throw a thick portfolio of options into the shredder.Despite having no mandate, the Conservative media call the election for their favourite second place party.
WeekendRequirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to enter a polygamous relationship with three female party leaders.Requirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to accept SNP demands on free Tunnocks teacakes for Scots.Requirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to accept DUP policies on castrating all known homosexuals.
Mid-MayKatie Hopkins flies out of Heathrow, cheered off by a crowd of millions.Danny Alexander is caught attempting to find a new job with a payday lending firm.David Miliband flies into Heathrow, to tell his brother he told him so.
JuneDavid Cameron resigns, kickstarting six months of infighting.Nobody resigns, for fear there'll be another election before Christmas.Ed Miliband resigns, kickstarting six months of infighting.
AutumnSome obscure tax Ed Balls never previously mentioned is massively increased.No new laws have been passed because the electoral arithmetic is too complicated.The top rate of tax is halved to boost wealth creation and trickledown, honest.
WinterThe mansion tax causes a widow in Kensington to sell off an antique vase.Nicola Sturgeon demands another Scottish referendum while everyone’s still very angry.It turns out the cuts don't affect you, only scroungers, so that's alright then.
2016Lord Russell Brand is admitted to the cabinet as Minister for Distraction.The BBC is punished with a halving of the licence fee for not being biased enough.The Human Rights Act is repealed, because human rights are uneconomic.
2017As a condition of coalition, the Lib Dems force a referendum on electoral reform. It fails again.Immigrants are banned from taking part in the referendum on leaving the EU.Prime Minister Boris Johnson rubber stamps his own plans for an Estuary airport.
2018After a series of weak-willed international negotiations, Russia invades Kent.The English Parliament's first move is to make afternoon tea compulsory.Hospital treatment fees are phased in for all non-shareholders.
2019The deficit is still larger than a number everyone said it would be smaller than.The deficit is the least of our problems.The deficit is reduced to nothing, as is the welfare system.
2020After five years of misery, the other lot get in.After five years of chaos, another lot get in.After five years of misery, the other lot get in.

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