I am writing to tell you — the readers of this blog — that I am running to be Mayor of London as an independent candidate. And I would like your vote so that we can transform this great capital — the most intricate, diverse and astonishing city on the planet, the financial centre of the world, and the cradle of our democracy — together.
I believe have the ego to bring this city together, and so have decided to disrupt the upcoming Mayoral elections in an entirely unpredictable way by unexpectedly announcing my candidature.
We need to work together to lead London through one of the most challenging times in its history, through the uncertainty of Brexit, the dangers of international terrorism and the complete absence of printed bus maps.
So many of our problems in London are blindingly obvious. You don’t need me to tell you that our housing is unaffordable, or that muggers lurk on every street corner, or that breathing our air will kill you. Instead you need someone like me to look as if I'm sorting these crises out.
The answers are not rocket science. It's obvious to me that we need to build more flats, an idea I'll be pretending nobody else has ever had. We need more police on our streets, because every candidate always says that. Our trains and buses must run more reliably, because only a fool would argue the opposite. I also intend to be the one to cut air pollution, after my predecessor spent four years proving he could not.
I pledge to say all the right things during my campaign. I promise to have impressive aspirations and spout worthy platitudes. I intend to keep everyone on side.
• Building lots more houses
• Refusing permission for tall buildings
• But definitely building lots more houses
• Cutting crime through decisive action
• Persuading individuals not to be criminals
• But definitely cutting crime through decisive action
• Funding lots of shiny new services
• Supporting Londoners by refusing to put fares up
• But definitely funding lots of shiny new services
• Acting swiftly to cut vehicle emissions
• Doing nothing that restricts car drivers' freedoms
• But definitely acting swiftly to cut vehicle emissions
Later I will discover that much of what I thought would be easy is actually really hard. Later I will realise that some of what I assumed would be quick to solve is not within my legal remit. Along the way I will make some utterly stupid decisions, because I'm only human. I'm hoping you'll be overlooking all of this.
I also have have some really evil policies, or at least several you won't like, but I won't be revealing these until I'm safely in power and it's too late for you to stop me. Like every politician I simply have to convince you up front that I will usher in an era of positive change, then let you down relentlessly as the years go by.
Which is why I want to start a conversation with you, in fact I already have via this blog, which is more than a former MP from Cumbria has ever managed. I will also be spending the coming weeks walking through every borough in London — not campaigning, but listening and learning — indeed I have already been doing this for the last seventeen years, so up yours Rory.
Please pledge your support for a better, brighter, bolder city.