diamond geezer

 Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Single life

If it's quarter past seven on the morning of the third of November then I've been single for exactly ten years.
(Yes, I know I've posted this particular post at the same time every year since this blog started, but I always update it a bit, and it seems to resonate. And I'm not after sympathy, really I'm not, because I'm perfectly happy being single thanks. But, blimey, ten years eh? Maybe it's finally time to give this post a rest)

Some might say that we single people are missing out on the joys of coupledom, and maybe we are, but I'm convinced that there are equally many positive points to being single:

Single: You get the whole duvet to yourself.
Coupled: You don't need a hot water bottle.

Single: There's half as much ironing to do.
Coupled: There's twice as much ironing to do but somebody else might do it.

Single: You can hoover the carpet when you think it needs doing.
Coupled: Somebody else hoovers the carpet before you think it needs doing.

Single: Nobody ever tells you that the kitchen must be repainted and the bathroom must be retiled.
Coupled: Two people can repaint the kitchen or retile the bathroom far more quickly than one.

Single: You never have to waste a Saturday doing what somebody else wants.
Coupled: You never sit around on a Saturday wondering what the hell to do.

Single: You can play your music collection really loud, even the track that nobody else likes.
Coupled: Your music collection is double the size.

Single: You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
Coupled: There's somebody else on the sofa to snuggle up to.

Single: Nobody complains when you burp, belch or fart.
Coupled: Somebody points out when you have dandruff on your shoulder.

Single: You don't have to put up with somebody else's niggly annoying habits.
Coupled: Somebody else puts up with your niggly annoying habits.

Single: The toilet seat is always where you left it.
Coupled: The toilet seat isn't always freezing cold.

Single: You never come home to a blazing row.
Coupled: You sometimes come home to a cooked meal.

Single: You get to eat the whole ready meal for two yourself.
Coupled: It takes just as long to cook for two as it does for one.

Single: You can spend all your money on yourself.
Coupled: There are two salaries coming in and only one set of bills.

Single: You can walk away from a flatshare, any time.
Coupled: You can afford a mortgage, together.

Single: There are no important birthdays or anniversaries to accidentally forget.
Coupled: Somebody actually remembers your birthday.

Single: You never have to buy useless presents for your partner, just for the sake of it.
Coupled: Somebody buys you presents occasionally, and it's the thought that counts.

Single: Nobody insists on coming over to yours for Christmas.
Coupled: Everybody insists on coming over to yours for Christmas.

Single: You're allowed to flirt with people in the street.
Coupled: You don't need to flirt with people in the street.

Single: You can still have a riotous social life in your 30s.
Coupled: You can still have a riotous social life in your 60s.

Single: You have no friends to go out with because they've all partnered off and are staying in.
Coupled: You don't have to go out with those annoying friends you had while you were single.

Single: You don't catch every sniffle, cold and flu bug off your partner.
Coupled: When you suffer a major cardiac arrest, somebody actually notices and dials 999.

Single: You never get left all alone and desolate because your life partner's just passed away.
Coupled: When you get old and infirm, you don't end up in a care home because there's nobody to look after you.

Single: If you meet the partner of your dreams, it's not too late to marry them.
Coupled: Nobody ever meets the partner of their dreams, so better to get married before it's too late.

Single: Being coupled is restrictive, stifling and a sign of personal weakness.
Coupled: Being single is unnatural, lonely and a sign of personal failure.

Single: You never get your heart broken.
Coupled: You sometimes feel your heart leap.

Single: You can have sex with anyone you like.
Coupled: You can have sex whenever you like.

Single: The bathroom is always free.
Coupled: The bedroom is always full.

Single: You can lie in bed in the morning for as long as you like.
Coupled: There's a very good reason for lying in bed in the morning.

Single: Nobody sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
Coupled: Somebody loves you despite what they see first thing in the morning.

Single: You never get told by your partner, in no uncertain terms, to refrain from ever having any kind of emotional or sexual liaison with anybody else, otherwise there'll be shouting and screaming, even violence, except it turns out later that your partner has been repeatedly shagging around behind your back ever since the relationship began, so those same rules clearly didn't once apply to them, but then that's what happens when you fall in love with a psychopath.
Not that I'm in any way bitter, you understand...


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