diamond geezer

 Thursday, April 03, 2014

It's six months since I last warned marketing folk not to send me promotional emails. I thought the message might have been getting through because I received far fewer PR missives afterwards. But over the last month the numbers have been climbing steadily, so it seems it's time for a reminder. Let's try a big bold reminder in capital letters this time.
And yes Tammy, that includes you.
Hi There!
I'm organising a brand new Affordable Art & Design Fair in <location 10 miles away> on Sat 31st May 2014. I'm not sure if this sort of thing is up your street but thought it would be worth pinging you my press release and leaflet which has further details - perhaps one for the blog?!
A million miles away from being up my street, Tammy.
Hello Diamond Geezer,
Please check out our latest FREE ENTRY "3 nights a month", creative venture which incorporates Short Film, Slam Poetry and Art. See attached PRESS RELEASE for more info.
Oh Lee, nothing invites the Delete button quicker than "See attached PRESS RELEASE".
Good afternoon,
The <Location> Annual Pancake Day Race took place today with none other than <Satellite Channel>’s <Non-Entity>, star of <Programme With Few Viewers>, taking part. Please see a selection of images as requested from the event for you to use – and the pre-event press release below for information.
I did not request your flipping photos, Jade.
<Local> Council is hosting a family fun day on Sunday 23 March from 12noon-4pm to promote <Local Street> with celebrity chef <Ex-Celebrity Chef> who will be judging a curry competition at 3pm.
Shalina sent that message "with high importance". I put her right by return of email.
Good afternoon,
My name is Henry and I'm working with Hoxton based <Tech Startup> who have launched an awesome Kickstarter campaign for <Essentially Postcode Wars>, a smartphone game that uses local neighbourhoods as an arena for play with players competing against each other to capture territory by running or walking around it. I thought I’d send over the news of the app for possible inclusion on your blog, Diamond Geezer, as an interesting digital offering that combines technology with gaming and fitness that I can see going down well with Londoners. If you do happen to Tweet about it, please add the Hashtag <#craphashtag> so we can reTweet.
Sorry Henry, but your view of an "interesting digital offering" and mine do not coincide. Hashtag Fail.
Dear Sirs,
You lost me right there, Reece.
Hi Diamond Geezer,
Hope you had a nice weekend.
I’m working with British anamorphic street artists, <Two Blokes>, to create a large city scape in the middle of <Well Known Mall> shopping centre on 28th, 29th and 30th March. We’d like to invite you to the <Two Blokes> studio to interview artist <One Bloke> about all aspects of his artistic process and the exciting work he’s doing with our client, <Car Manufacturer>. You’re also welcome to stay in the studio and watch him paint for a while, it’s a pretty fascinating process!
Interview an artist who's sold out to a car company, Rachael? It'd be like watching paint dry.
Dear editors, reviewers, bloggers and webfolk,
Please feel free to share a link to our lovely infographic ;)
There is no such thing as a lovely infographic, Chris.
[If you have trouble reading this email, go to the online version.]
That warning should have been a clue, Richmond, that your cocktail-related splurge was overcomplicated bollocks.
I’m Simon and I work in the <Well Known London Museum> Marketing team. In a few months’ time our new exhibition ‘<Interesting Exhibition>’ opens. In my research I found your 2004 blogpost <2004 blogpost>. We hope to have a <subject matter> hub on our website, and I was wondering if it is ok to include your blog within a subpage dedicated to the <subject matter>? We will also send out a few tweets about it and perhaps even mention it on a leaflet that is mostly concerned with <subject matter> things to see in the local area.
All we ask is if you can re-edit it, changing any information you know to have changed since 2004, perhaps doing some formatting + mention our exhibition at the bottom. Does this sound good to you?
Of all the promotional emails I've received recently, Simon's riled me the most. A gauche request to link to a series of posts I wrote ten years ago, but only if I'd update them all and stick an advert at the bottom. We had a "conversation" in which I pointed out the amount of time required to tramp the streets of London for revision purposes, and the inappropriateness of adjusting a post dated 2004 to match 2014. Simon apologised if he'd sounded patronising, rephrased what he'd meant by "re-edit", and blamed the exhibition promotion idea on his boss. We came to an understanding, which involved me doing nothing. I hope you enjoy <Interesting Exhibition> when it opens.
<A quote from the email some PR gibbon will send me today>
Because some marketing muppet always sends me a promotional email on the day I blog about never wanting any. Don't let that idiot be you.

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