London's next dead bus 168: Old Kent Road Tesco to Hampstead Heath Location: inner London Length of journey: 7 miles, 65 minutes
The 168 has been chugging up to Hampstead Heath since 1986, initially from Waterloo, then from Elephant & Castle and most recently from the Old Kent Road. But it's been deemed superfluous in an era when central London has too much capacity and so tomorrow it runs for the final time. For a lot of its length it's tracked precisely by route 1, so from Saturday the plan is to create a hybrid of the two routes and assign it the lower number. The first three stops on route 168 are covered by loads of other routes, and the last two stops on route 1 are to be covered by switching the end of route 188, so technically nobody should be inconvenienced. The consultation took place two years ago, should you be interested in the background or want to see a map. I've been for a final ride.
The 168 starts its journey outside the giant Tesco on the Old Kent Road, at what was to be the site of the first stop on the Bakerloo line extension, very close to Burgess Park. Don't worry, six other routes connect this rail-remote location to Elephant & Castle so even next week you won't be waiting long. Nevertheless my 168 is busy almost as soon as it arrives, mainly with passengers who have no interest going upstairs because they're not going far. The Old Kent Road is blessed by world food outlets, affordable salons and flats with rents that, despite being well over £2, remain at the bottom of the Monopoly ladder. We don't soar over the Bricklayers Arms flyover because that only operates in the opposite direction, plus we'd miss out on a couple of bus stops if we did, one of which is where route 1 joins us.
Route 1 left Canada Water bus station 2½ miles ago whereas we've been going less than a mile, so there are some who worry the new 1/168 hybrid will be too long to be reliable. Never fear, said TfL in their consultation report, this has been accounted for and "extra time has been added to recovery time to help mitigate this risk." It's also the case that no passenger from this point onwards should have to worry about breaking their journey, they just need to board a 1 and it'll take them everywhere the current 168 would.
The New Kent Road is next, bordered by sprawling plane trees we repeatedly bash into. The first flats are older and intermingled with lowlier businesses, then abruptly the gentrified shoeboxes of Elephant Park rear up, perched atop bike hubs, subscription gyms and artisan dim sum restaurants. The whole of Elephant and Castle is in flux, as it has been for years, with the former shopping centre rapidly going the same way as the Heygate and arising as something blandly profitable. The scaffolding by the main bus stop is already much higher than a double decker. Then it's time to weave round what remains of the double-gyratory, look down on its infestation of pigeons and thankfully escape into something a tad older.
Unusually The Men Who Change Tiles haven't been out removing the 168s yet, or they hadn't yesterday, but all affected bus stops do now have a yellow information poster. There are two types, one explaining how routes 1, 168 and 188 are being reformulated and the other headlined "Route 168 will not stop here". Unfortunately the latter has been posted up outside the Bakerloo line station, pointlessly explaining how to catch a bus back the other way, whereas all that's needed northbound is "just get on the 1 instead". Best keep it simple.
A contraflow bus lane speeds us onwards to St George's Circus, past the Golden Sun takeaway, a hidden tube depot and a group of lecturers protesting outside London South Bank University. By the obelisk there are faffy filter lanes and cycleways to negotiate, then we're on more solidly traditional ground up Waterloo Road. The local BID has hung backslapping banners from the lampposts, including the godawful slogan "where fringe meets falafel" and the obligatory ABBA reference. You can't miss Masters Superfish, an old-school chippie which claims to be home to "Britain's finest fish and chips", but despite numerous positive online reviews I doubt their over-reaching claim holds water.
We sidle up the eastern side of Waterloo station, pausing awhile at the busy zebra crossing, before pulling up at the cluster of stops where thousands of commuters still pour onto onward buses every morning. A ridiculous number of routes still connect to the streets around Holborn, so ridiculous that TfL culled one last year and are culling another tomorrow, safe in the knowledge that the remaining six will still support the post-pandemic rush hour. The view from Waterloo Bridge remains magnificent, all bobbing boats and historic skyline, although progress remains hindered by the amateur conversion of one lane of traffic into a cycleway. And that was our 20 minutes in south London... now for 45 minutes in the north.
Holborn is where the 1/168 overlap currently ends with the 1 turning left to terminate at Tottenham Court Road. Tomorrow that 30-year association ends and it'll head onwards to Hampstead Heath, a significant extension more worthy of London's primary route number. Route 188 will simultaneously be diverted to Centre Point instead of Russell Square, and again hardly anyone will be inconvenienced because the 188 has also been tracking us since the Bricklayers Arms roundabout. Admittedly it'll be a longer average wait with the 168 gone, but TfL rarely worry about making your wait longer.
The top of Kingsway is where our speedy progress starts to falter, with more time spent queueing in traffic than moving forward. Around us London's office workers are scurrying back to their desks with tubs of protein, and somewhere behind me a quartet from Kent are discussing their favourite pub lunches (the chilli prawns at The Oak Tree are out of this world, apparently). The road ahead is lined by a phenomenal number of hotels, most of them very large. The oldest are imposing edifices in brick, the newest are glass boxes with burrito bars underneath and a few are postwar concrete bulwarks which look like they were designed by Gerry Anderson. This paragraph has taken 15 minutes, that's how slow we're going.
At Euston we follow the non-HS2 side of the station, although currently that's both of them. Only one other route goes this way, serving a Royal Mail depot, long Georgian terraces and some drab flats. Residents of Eversholt Street are going to have to get used to a new number come Saturday. One of the chatty foursome behind me is now regaling his friends with tales of how he used to love driving round central London back in the days when you had to use an A-Z but it's too expensive now, not to mention too slow, not to mention too hard to park, and I think "ha, in your case all those nudges to get motorists onto public transport have certainly worked".
Normally when TfL intends to significantly tweak a bus route, or indeed kill it off, onboard announcements are made at regular intervals alerting passengers to upcoming changes. But on the 168 there's nothing, not even a scrolling message, despite the upheaval being only a couple of days away. There's nothing like consistency and this is nothing like.
Mornington Crescent station heralds the start of our passage up the full length of Camden High Street, which is not a privilege afforded to buses heading south. The shops start off a bit bogstandard (Top Cuts is genuinely still offering a £6 haircut), then increasingly include familiar stalwarts like Argos and M&S Food. Eventually the retail rulebook is ripped up and things go all-out tourist, with cluttered shops offering purple DMs, anime t-shirts and nasal jewellery, not to mention spicy wraps and noodly trays. It's fun to observe from the top deck, but the swirling throng obviously aren't interested in leaving by bus and so on we plod.
For part of the climb up Haverstock Hill we are the sole bus route, just as our immediate surroundings finally go upmarket. Steeles Village is the kind of neighbourhood Time Out used to go nuts for, although the name's barely 10 years old and only took off when TfL agreed to rename the bus stop. Further up the hill, heralded by subdivided villas and mansion blocks, we pierce the super-middle-class bubble of Belsize Park. Here the cinema is boutique, the petrol station has its own florist, the Budgens supermarket has gone premium and a haircut will cost you sixty quid not six. We're nearly there.
Our final destination is close to the Royal Free so many of our passengers are heading there, not to a local patisserie, including the man in the shabby jacket with a repeating cough. Outside the hospital's side entrance the ward staff are enjoying a cheeky fag in the early autumn sunshine. But round the corner on South End Green it's pavement culture a-go-go as Hampstead's idler residents enjoy coffee at small tables while perfectly-groomed dogs lie at their feet. Having reached the terminus our driver nips across the road to the mess room by the underground public conveniences and prepares for the 168's return to the Old Kent Road. It'll be an even longer ride to Canada Water on Saturday, but remember you'll only get ahead if you're looking out for number 1.
