TfL launched a new campaign this week encouraging passengers to wear headphones on public transport when watching/listening to content or making calls. "Be considerate towards others" is the message, given that the majority of people find loud music and two-sided calls a right nuisance. But how will a few posters on trains actually help? I saw this poster on the Metropolitan line, but the perpetrators likely never will.
10 ways the new 'headphones on' campaign might work
1) When you hear a noisy device, point at the poster and the owner will surely react instantly. 2) When you hear a noisy device, walk over to the poster, remove it from the frame and wave it in the face of the miscreant. 3) The new campaign will coalesce public attitudes, emboldening the collective mindset and making loud noise socially unacceptable. 4) The oblivious millennial who would have sat opposite you next week playing random TikTok reels instead sees the poster, changes their behaviour and heads to the local public library for a good book instead. 5) If everyone on London's transport wears headphones all the time, nobody will hear any noisy phones anyway. 6) The 5 people who win noise-cancelling headphones in TfL's new Instagram giveaway turn out to be London's five most prolific noisemakers and the issue fades away almost overnight. 7) There are no on-board announcements associated with this campaign, which has singlehandedly made carriages less noisy. 8) TfL could buy up all the advertising space on TikTok with a campaign commercial that has no soundtrack. 9) The travelling public, galvanised by this campaign, will lynch anyone they catch playing tinny music out loud. 10) Everyone immediately stops using speakerphone to make sure TfL never run a campaign as trite as this ever again.
10 better ways to stop noise on public transport
1) Withdraw the Zip cards of any youngster who insists on moshing to MC Topkiller at full volume. 2) Refund the fare of anyone who snitches on a phone-blarer. 3) Rename the Elizabeth line the Headphones On line. 4) When Londoners get their 60+ Oyster card, include a pair of headphones in the envelope because it's the oldies who are the most transgressive. 5) All train journeys must be conducted in total silence. Bliss. 6) Introduce quiet carriages on the tube, because that works so well on trains right? 7) Force headphone dodgers to do community service (ideally removing graffiti from Central line trains). 8) Fine anyone whose digital racket exceeds 70 decibels. £1000 a time should do it. This includes TfL's "see it say it sorted" announcements, which may swiftly bankrupt them. 9) Force smartphone manufacturers to reintroduce a headphone socket. 10) Switch off all the 4G and 5G connections nobody wanted underground anyway.
