Sometimes you just want to go for a nice walk, nothing too taxing, gradient-free, fully weatherproof, ornately decorated, immensely popular, brand-proximate, upwardly aspirational, multiple refreshment opportunities, occasional bargains, a bit of a stroll, won't take long. So here's a brief retail circuit in a Kentish chalk quarry, easily enough to make a day of it and a nice walk all the same.
BluewaterShopping Centre opened in 1999, a decade after Lakeside on the other side of the Thames, bringing bombastic commercialism to the hinterlands of Dartford and Gravesend. Blue Circle sold their 300-acre quarry to a consortium of developers who built a vast mall in the centre and surrounded it by even vaster car parks amid a rim of sheer chalk cliffs. It's a stunning location, if mostly wasted on visiting shoppers who immediately hide away inside a million square feet of retail on arrival. It's also easy to reach from three nearby motorways, a grid of arterial connections and a network of speedy buses. But one does not walk to Bluewater, which is why a walk around it is such an excellent idea.
The mall is often thought to be triangular but is better described as a quarter circle - two straight sides and one longer curve. For my starting point I've chosen John Lewis because that's the flagship retailer, although there are similar department-store-sized units at each of the vertices. For simplicity I've chosen to walk in a clockwise direction. And I've chosen to follow the upper mall rather than the lower because the view is hugely better.
The first arcade is called the Rose Gallery because it's decorated with sculpted foliage and a rose trellis at balustrade level. The words of a poem by WW1 nurse Eve Dobell are written underneath ("Creamy dreamy roses, fresh as morning's birth, bridal veils of sweetness, flung across the earth") should anyone be looking up rather than checking out the window displays and special offers. As with many upper malls you have the choice of walking to the left or to the right with a broader downstairs promenade directly underneath. Decide whether you want to walk past Lacoste or Flannels, pick a side and don't worry because both will reach the M&S in the end.
The Rose Gallery's shops supposedly have a family focus, or that's how the place was originally designed. Parents can shop for kids' toys in The Entertainer, teens can make a dash for Sole Trader, and everyone can peruse the racks in River Island for a fresh outfit. One of the largest units is temporarily occupied by a festive warehouse called Christmas Supermarket, and do not under any circumstances venture inside unless you want to see grown adults buying sparkly baubles, plastic foliage and grinning Santas to despoil their suburban palaces.
You've already walked almost 150 metres so if tiredness strikes feel free to venture into the Winter Garden - described in the original blurb as "a montage of water, landscape and light", but these days a lowbrow food court where couples chew over their purchases with a frothy Costa or cheeky Nando's. Assuming you have the stamina do struggle on past the Gravity Arcade and luxury watch boutiques to reach M&S at the next junctional nexus. The store's huge and has a massive footfall, not least because the mall's American architect chose not to include a direct cut-through to the bus station so everyone weaves through womenswear and the Food Hall instead.
The next arm is the longest, this being Thames Walk. A poetic clue is carved in chunky letters along its length, these the lyrics of a 1930s song from the pen of Raymond Wallace ("Happy and free, Old Father Thames keeps rolling along down to the mighty sea"). Best give thanks that you're walking past an arc of shops with a fluvial theme rather than slogging along a muddy path beside a dour grey estuary. The original intention for Thames Walk was that it bring the excitement of West End shopping within touching distance of Dartford with a focus on high street fashion, hence Superdry and H&M but also Primark and New Look because all pockets must be catered for. Try not to linger too long in the Lego Store.
You've now walked nearly 400 metres so it may be time for a pick-me-up from Boots or alternatively a diversion into The Plaza, a sideshoot offering sit-down calorific offerings. Here we find TGI Fridays, Wagamama, Bella Italia and Pizza Express, precisely the brands visitors to Bluewater embrace when they want to make a day of it. Having seen the local hospitality alternatives, why wouldn't you? Alternatively plough on along the upper mall, shielding your eyes from the glitzy dangling Christmas stars and perhaps mourning the loss of the Charlton Athletic store. Social media aficionados may like to know that the upcoming escalator was renamed the Hevscalator last month in honour of TikTok sensation and Primark employee Heather “Hev” Cox. They'll stick a commemorative plaque on anything these days.
Bluewater's third vertex is somewhat muted at present because the anchor tenant was House of Fraser and they moved out last Christmas, although the plan is for Next to relocate here next year. Now turn the corner and take a deep breath because it's time to enter The Guildhall, the last of the three themed malls. This one's notionally high-end retail, hence Nespresso, Kurt Geiger and Zara, although you can find all three in Stratford these days so they can't be that prestigious. For confirmation of the theme look up above the shops to see a long line of tradespeople duly honoured. They have ridiculous modern job titles like Air Navigators, Chartered Secretaries and Marketors, also wildly out of date professions like Makers of Playing Cards and Wax Chandlers.
These are of course the names of the 113 Livery Companies of the City of London, or rather the first 100 because the last 13 were incorporated after Bluewater was completed. In a quirky coincidence the Apple Store is immediately underneath the Scientific Instrument Makers, although Zara is underneath the Plasterers so nobody's put too much thought into it. This is probably the best decorated mall with its heritage lamps and heraldic columns, but although the surfaces may look like marble it's all cheaper blockwork with pre-cast concrete underneath. Keep walking until Jo Malone appears, also a gents outfitter attempting to flog £400 tuxedo sets to festive partygoers, and hey presto you're back outside John Lewis again. Why not treat yourself to a trinket or a hot chocolate, you've earned it. Alternatively if you've any energy left, here are two more nice walks you could try...
Another Nice Walk: Bluewater (lower level) (½ mile)
You've circumnavigated the upper level, now why not descend to quarry level and walk a circuit of the lower?
Many of the shops are the same but the aspect is very different, also a fresh range of opportunists are vying for your money. Expect to find a team from Tesla attempting to drum up interest in a premium electric car, and this being Kent expect several passers-by to be interested. This is also where they hid Superdrug, Card Factory and a newly rebranded TJ Jones, not to mention a bespoke Haribo pick'n'mix store. The most interesting feature must be the map of the Thames embedded along the floor of Thames Walk, with a blob for London outside Lindt and a blob for Reading outside Footasylum. Cookies, freshly-squeezed orange juice and bargain perfumes are readily available. Be sure to inhale Lush deeply as you go by. Rest assured there is an Oliver Bonas if you walk far enough.
Another Nice Walk: Bluewater Nature Trail (¾ mile)
There really is a Bluewater Nature Trail and it kicks off from the rear terrace outside Zizzi's, beside an empty dispenser where there ought to have been maps. The trail is chiefly aimed at toddlers, or rather frustrated parents trying to distract bored children by showing them some ducks. Initially it skirts a very thin boating lake and a car park that's temporarily being used as a winter fairground. Take care if you have a double buggy and retreat pronto if a swan steps out of the water and makes a flappy approach. Ahead is a rather gauche Pool of Reflection where a few ex-shoppers have dubious floral tributes, then the path dips beneath the ringway and the walk suddenly gets much better.
It's time for a circuit of a proper lake, admittedly artificial, set against the impressive backdrop of 50m-high chalk cliffs. The trail however chooses to focus on the fairly ordinary wildlife around its rim with information boards devoted to Birds, Wild Flowers, Beetles and the like. For younger visitors they've also brought The Very Hungry Caterpillar to life, kicking off with a clamberable version of the hero by the lakeside. If you have a phone you can scan boards to hear children from a local school read the story out loud, although sadly the '3 plums' board appears to have gone missing so the tale will be incomplete. With a zipwire overhead and evidence of the Cretaceous behind it's arguably a more enjoyable walk than a circuit round the shops, and maybe next time you're here you could compare the two.
