Go on a whirlwind tour of the history of the world.
From the Rosetta Stone that unlocked the hieroglyphic language of ancient Egypt to the Hoa Hakananai'a statue, this one-hour tour will give you a glimpse of ancient civilisations around the world.
They're not kidding when they say it's whirlwind, there being 14 super-exhibits to see across 12 different galleries. It's also a true orienteering challenge around a labyrinthine museum, and a proper scavenger hunt as you try to work out where in the gallery each chosen object is. I set out early to dodge the crowds, made sure I read all the labels at each chosen location and managed the whole thing in ** minutes flat (exact number to be revealed later).
1. The Rosetta Stone(Room 4)
Predictably enough, the trail starts at the bilingual tablet that helped unlock hieroglyphics. The stone was created as a legal document in 196BC, repurposed to build a Musilm fortress, looted by Napoleon's army, captured by the British Army and transferred to the British Museum in 1802. It's also usually heavily obscured, but I managed to get here just after the museum opened before it became thronged by visitors and school parties (which it already was when I passed by a few minutes later).
2. Parthenon Sculptures(Room 18)
Better known as the Elgin Marbles, an entire gallery is filled with these chipped, broken remnants of a splendid Greek temple from the 5th century BC. They're also hugely controversial because the Greek government would like them back, although you can pick up a free leaflet explaining why the British Museum thinks it probably shouldn't. They're simultaneously marvellous and a bit of a letdown, and I'd like to assure you I walked round and looked at the lot before heading on to the next stolen treasures.
3. Bust of Ramesses the Great(Room 4)
Just to the right of the Rosetta Stone is this massive stone head carved from granite quarried at Aswan. It would originally have been painted but three millennia of erosion have taken their toll. If you head to the Valley of the Kings you can see the bust's decapitated body still standing guard outside the tomb of Ramesses, and if you go to the new Grand Egyptian Museum in Cairo you can see his obelisk (but that's £23 admission whereas this is free).
4. Hoa Hakananai'a(Room 24)
To Oceania this time, specifically Easter Island, and one of the stone Moai created by the Polynesians around 1000 years ago. This one's unusual because it's made of basalt rather than volcanic rock, also that it was one of the last to be left standing by the native peoples. A British survey ship visited the island in 1868 and the commodore haughtily decided to haul it out of the ground and take it home, hence the island's current Council of Elders would very much like it back. Apparently "dialogue with the community continues".
5. The Ife head(Room 25)
Downstairs to Africa, then turn right to find the cabinet of Benin brasses. This crowned head was dug up by builders on a site near the royal palace in 1939, in what's now Edo State in Nigeria. It's fascinatingly textured with what looks like furrowed skin and a beaded helmet, and is thought to represent one of their 14th century kings, an Ooni.
6. Statue of Tara(Room 33)
Next head out to the China and South Asia gallery, which is enormous so it took me a while to work out where a Sri Lankan goddess might be placed. It can't be hard to find given it's "nearly-life sized" and "cast in a single piece of solid bronze", I reasoned, but I still couldn't find it. Eventually I asked a gallery attendant who said "oh, they took it out", then walked down with me to the far end to confirm they hadn't put it back yet. Several other contemporary treasures sufficed.
7. Tang dynasty tomb figures(Room 33)
These are splendid, a procession of painted figures found in the tomb of a Chinese army general from Luoyang and thought to represent some of his staff. At the front are dragons with flaming heads and at the rear some kind of camels, and all painted in browns and greens like a particularly 1970s set of Wade's Whimsies.
8. Aztec serpent(Room 27)
Cut down the jade corridor to enter ancient Mexico, and a double-headed snake so iconic that the Museum uses its image in many a promotion. It's a "maquizcoatl" carved from cedar wood, then covered with turquoise and slivers of oyster shell, and is believed to represent a harbinger of bad omens. It's also in an especially darkly-lit corner of the gallery behind over-reflective glass, so don't expect to come away with a good photo of it.
9. Mummy of Katebet(Room 63)
The rest of the trail is upstairs, starting with this extremely well preserved mummy from 18th Dynasty Thebes. Katebet was buried with her husband Qenna and has been in the museum since the 1830s, shrouded in cross-banded linen. Scans suggest she was elderly but still had two of her own teeth. Those who buried her with due reverence would never have guessed that pupils from Seven Kings School would one day swarm round her case and draw her innards on their worksheets.
10. Samurai armour(Room 93)
Another iconic costume, found by climbing to the Japan galleries on the uppermost floor. This is the summer armour for a powerful warrior from the west of the country, comprised of some surprising materials including paper, stencilled leather, water buffalo horn and gold. The museum also owns several related artefacts including some fairly vicious-looking blades and a black and gold chest the armour was originally stored in. Will be the star of a paid exhibition here next February.
11. Royal Game of Ur(Room 56)
This board game was played all across the Near East for centuries as two players attempted to race seven pieces from one end of a short board to the other, a bit like Ludo. The rosettes are thought to be the most important squares. In this set the white player's dice were tetrahedral and the black player's were four-sided sticks, while the counters were made from lapiz lazuli. This set's priceless but you can buy a replica made from MDF and resin in the shop for £125.
12. Oxus treasure(Room 52)
The Achaemenid dynasty peaked in 550BC in what's now borderline Turkmenistan/Afghanistan/Uzbekistan/Tajikistan. A fabulous hoard of gold and silver objects was uncovered by the river Oxus including jewellery, coins and model chariots. This pair of griffin-headed armlets exhibits the finest craftsmanship, but would have looked even more dazzling before all its precious stones were removed.
13. The Sutton Hoo ship burial(Room 41)
Finally something British by right, the spectacular remains found in an Anglo-Saxon grave at Sutton Hoo in Suffolk. Amongst the king's afterlife-stash were all kinds of weapons, jewellery, metal bowls and the real stunner, a complete ornately-decorated helmet. You have to look at the replica alongside to see how dazzling it once was, covered with hammered copper panels, but the eyeholes that stare back remain fiercely evocative.
14. Lewis Chessmen(Room 40)
Finally to Scotland and the near-complete set of chess pieces discovered in a Hebridean sandbank in 1831. They're late 12th century in origin and fashioned from walrus ivory (or in some cases whale's teeth). Some were originally stained red rather than black, and many have comic, slightly-startled expressions. The museum' knows their worth as ambassadors, hence six pieces are currently on loan to an exhibition in Norway, also they'd be happy to flog you Lewis Chessmen mugs, teatowels, bottle stoppers, socks and snow globes in the shop.
It's a real challenge to get round in an hour, I'd say, especially as the trail is just an illustrated list of items without a map. But the room numbers really helped, as did turning up just as the museum opened, hence I managed to complete the trail in 45 minutes flat. That left additional time to explore the Enlightenment, the Nordic art exhibition and especially the Roman galleries, which this trail inexplicably skips. If it's possible to have a more cultured hour in London, or indeed anywhere on the planet, I'd like to know about it.
