It's time to revisit one of London's great answered questions.
Where is London's most central sheep?
Yesterday I claimed that this was London's most central sheep.
It is not, sorry.
Further information has come to light in the comments and I can confirm that London's most central sheep is not at Vauxhall City Farm, there's a closer one, possibly several, probably.
Please accept my sheepish apology.
My mistake was to assume that any sheep in central London would be on a City Farm and that I knew where all the City Farms were. This was not the case. In particular I assumed that the list of City Farms held by the London City Farms & Community Gardens Association would be comprehensive and thus include the location of London's most central sheep, but it did not. It's an easy mistake to make.
I did try to consider alternative locations before I plumped for Vauxhall City Farm, but obviously I couldn't check everywhere within 1½ miles of Trafalgar Square. I scoured a map for potential sheep-friendly locations. I checked London Zoo in case they had sheep but they don't. I checked the petting zoo at Coram's Fields but it's closed. Alas sheep are tiny creatures so could be holed up anywhere across six square miles, and indeed they were.
The location I missed is Oasis FarmWaterloo, a half-acre strip of former wasteland opposite St Thomas's Hospital. The farm's been there since 2014 offering its natural resources to support the community, a joint venture between Oasis Hub Waterloo and Jamie's Farm. Crucially they describe themselves as an urban farm not a city farm so they're not on the London City Farms & Community Gardens Association shortlist, so I didn't notice. And they appear to have sheep.
Their website's homepage features a photo of a sheep so it's a fair bet they've got one. If you go to Waterloo, which I now have, you'll see they also use a sheep on their promotional materials suggesting it's at the top of their animal hierarchy. But you can't go in and have a look, they don't take walk-ins, only pre-booked groups and very occasional public events, the last of which was cancelled.
Thankfully you can peer in through the railings from Royal Street but it's a half-obscured squinty view, in one case through a cage of chickens. The animal sheds are on the far side and I definitely saw two cute white animals chomping away on the hay, although there might have been more just out of sight. The number of sheep at Oasis Farm Waterloo thus appears to be at least two, suggesting these are London's most central sheep and not those in Vauxhall.
Where is London's most central sheep?
At Oasis Farm Waterloo, less than a mile from Trafalgar Square.
But they might have been goats. Their heads were hidden so it was hard to be 100% sure what kind of cloven animal they were. The Oasis Farm Instagram feed has a number of photos of sheep but also some of goats so it is possible I saw the wrong animal. Their website also says "our farm animals rotate from Jamie's Farm in Wiltshire", suggesting they're not always here, and also that "we usually have a ewe with her lambs", which before lambing season may mean they currently don't. Alas this isn't cut and dried.
Where is London's most central sheep?
Probably at Oasis Farm Waterloo, unless there isn't one here at the moment because there are only goats, in which case at Vauxhall City Farm.
This is my new definitive answer, unless I've missed something you haven't told me about.
I was thus also wasting my time trying to determine London's second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth most central sheep. Once you're uncertain about the first sheep the rest of the list just falls apart. Also I completely missed Battersea Park Children's Zoo and they have fivesheep according to their website, and distance-wise they'd be the third closest flock.
0.8 milesOasis Farm Waterloo: currently at least two animals that might be sheep 1.4 milesVauxhall City Farm: I counted seven sheep 2.2 milesBattersea Park Children's Zoo: seemingly five sheep 2.8 milesSpitalfields City Farm: ten sheep
It turns out I wasted my time going to Spitalfields City Farm because they definitely don't have any of the top ten most central sheep. It also turns out pretty much everything I stated in yesterday's post about the centrality of sheep was incorrect, for which I apologise. Normally when readers kindly point out things I've overlooked I can slightly rewrite it, but in this case the whole thing was so wrong it's essentially unrescuable.
There is nothing important in the big scheme of things about the location of London's most central sheep. However there are lessons here for all of us.
1) Don't state something as fact when you haven't researched it fully. 2) Remember that when you do state something because you believe it's fact, it could be based on incomplete information. 3) If you're not 100% sure about something, best introduce at least some element of doubt. 4) Don't trust everything you read just because somebody you trust presented it as fact.
We all like to think we're right and very often we're not.
We don't always have all the facts to hand, even if we think we do.
This applies just as much to you as to me.
But yesterday it applied very much to me, sorry.
It's time to tackle one of London's great unanswered questions.
Where is London's most central sheep?
I'm only interested in live sheep, so not a cuddly toy in Hamleys nor lamb cutlets at The Ritz. I'm not interested in temporary sheep like those that get driven over Southwark Bridge in September or shorn at the Lambeth Country Show in June. Also by 'most central' I mean closest to the centre of London which is generally agreed to be Trafalgar Square, specifically the statue of Charles I at the top of Whitehall. Hopefully that's clear.
I don't believe Charles III keeps sheep at Buckingham Palace, nor has anybody else nearby got a large enough back garden. London Zoo's website does not reveal the existence of any sheep - at best llamas. Also none of the armed forces based in London have a regimental sheep, the UK's sole ovine mascot being a ram called Pte Derby XXXIII owned by the Mercian Regiment in Lichfield. So, city farms it is.
Where is London's most central city farm?
That's easy, it's Vauxhall City Farm which is just over a mile south of Trafalgar Square. It's been here on the edge of the Pleasure Gardens since 1976 so is one of London's oldest city farms and receives over 60,000 visitors a year. Some of its residents live out front in wooden pens but they're not sheep, they're goats as any self-respecting three year old could tell you. The entrance is off to the left past an outdoor desk staffed by cheery volunteers who'll grin, sell you feed and encourage you to make a donation. The City Farm is 50 next year so has an anniversary appeal underway, should you have part of £250,000 to spare. For the sheep turn right.
Where is London's most central sheep?
Here she is. She's in the sheep enclosure at Vauxhall City Farm, lapping away at a bowl of water resting on a spare tyre. She's a Shetland, a hardy breed with a good-natured temperament, so ideal for pottering around with toddlers in a confined space. There were many such underage visitors during my visit, all overexcited to be right up close to a sheep's head nuzzling through railings. Crossing the divide into the yard itself is more of a paid-for activity, or if you're a volunteer just part and parcel of your dung-sweeping duties. Alas I don't know what this sheep's name is, the City Farm isn't as keen as some in pinning biographical details to the railings, but there is no closer sheep to Trafalgar Square so she is London's most central sheep.
Where is London's second most central sheep?
You didn't think there was just one sheep did you? Here's another, this time a Herdwick, a larger shaggier breed. She's called Daffodil, or Daffy for short, and she's very much the poster girl for sheep at Vauxhall. I didn't see her initially, she was hiding inside a free-standing wooden structure as if trying to escape the hubbub, the yard also being home to three occasionally frisky alpacas called Rolo, Toffee and Cookie. I suspect sometimes Daffy hops up the steps to the top platform and surveys her domain like a woolly empress. She is thus not always the second most central sheep in the capital, sometimes she's first depending on the precise location of the other sheep.
Where is London's third most central sheep?
There are of course several sheep at Vauxhall, it would be silly and a tad cruel only to have two. Here are four of them crowding up against the railings by the pigpen because a small child has proffered a handful of scrummy animal feed. School parties tend to be taller and thus less conducive to low-level feeding, plus they may be about to be given a wheelbarrow each and asked to get stuck in. This particular corner of the farmyard by the entrance is actually the furthest north so I can state with some certainty that the back ewe was London's most central sheep at the time I took this photo, and next to her the second, third and fourth.
Where is London's fifth most central sheep?
Daffy didn't appear in that last photo so she was London's fifth most central sheep at the time.
Where is London's sixth most central sheep?
Also at Vauxhall City Farm. I counted seven sheep in the yard altogether, I just never managed to get them all in the same photo. I did try asking the keeper to confirm the precise number of sheep but unfortunately she didn't know. Whatever, given my count it must be the case that London's seven most central sheep are all here in SW8... and free to visit. Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly before exiting past the geese and buggy park, and yes the acrid whiff of animal excreta does eventually fade as you return to the outside world.
Where is London's eighth most central sheep?
Park that question for a second.
Where is London's second most central city farm?
That'll be in Spitalfields. It took some working out to confirm that this was the second closest to Trafalgar Square, I had to make myself a map using the extremely helpful list of London's city farms at londonfarmsandgardens.org.uk. They reckon there are twelve city farms in London but I reckon one of those is just over the border in Essex so it's eleven. The map's interesting because eight of the city farms form a near straight line running diagonally from Kentish Town through Hackney and Mudchute to the foot of Shooters Hill, but I think that's a coincidence. Spitalfields City Farm is on the site of a former railway depot and was also born in the 1970s, but is less cramped, easier to walk round and less pungent.
Where is London's eighth most central sheep?
That'll be Beatrix, another Herdwick ewe, here at Spitalfields City Farm. Their information game is strong so I know she used to graze on the North Downs in Surrey but lost an ear in a dog attack when she was young and moved here in August 2020. Her enclosure is a much better size, with scattered wood and the inevitable spare tyre, even room for gambolling. Don't expect to get close enough for feeding but that's fine because feeding's not permitted here anyway.
Where is London's ninth most central sheep?
You didn't think there was just one sheep at Spitalfields City Farm did you? There are several more hiding away in the byre, this time Castlemilk Moorits, a rare breed with brownish wool originally from Scotland. They're 37% Shetland, 28% Soay, 18% Manx and 17% Wiltshire Horn and all descended from a single ram on Sir Jock Buchanan-Jardine's estate, apparently. The information board also confirms there are nine of them here altogether with names like Twiglet, Lavender, Samphire and Rolo. Rolo is occasionally London's seventeenth most central sheep when he stands over by the polytunnels. London's most central donkeys are two pens away, one of whom is called Derek, but that's another story.
This is the latest advice for ex-347 passengers on the TfL website. It appeared yesterday now that the route has been extinguished.
It's on the tfl.gov.uk/modes/buses/bus-changes webpage which I'm convinced hardly any London bus passengers look at - it's not even a memorable URL. Yellow notices at affected bus stops only advise passengers to check their travel at tfl.gov.uk/buses, not tfl.gov.uk/modes/buses/bus-changes, so even if anyone does bother to check it's unlikely they'll notice the special advice halfway down another page.
When they say West Road they mean South Ockendon. The 370 is also the bus to take to get to North Ockendon. They've completely failed to mention North Ockendon.
God no. The 499 does go to the big Tesco, I grant you, but goes literally all round the houses and takes 40 minutes to get there. The 498 goes direct in 10 minutes, and admittedly stops round the back of Tesco on the main road so you'd face a five minute walk but no sane traveller would take the 499. Perhaps these instructions have been written for risk-averse passengers in wheelchairs.
The 269 is an existing non-London bus that deviates into London for just five stops. If you lived on Clay Tye Road you'd already know it existed and that it runs even less frequently than the infrequent 347 and goes somewhere entirely different. If TfL were feeling helpful they might have linked to further information about the 269 including a timetable or a map, because these exist, but they didn't.
This is TfL's favourite excuse when they scrap a route - it won't cost more because you can always catch more buses. But why the hell have they mentioned Trams? This is outer Havering, you cannot possibly get to a tram stop within the Hopper's hour-long limit.
This is much more complicated than it needs to be with an excess of peripheral routes. It's much too messy at the Romford end, where the infrequent 347 had so many alternative routes that nobody would have waited for it specially. It's not clear enough that the new 346 is an ideal replacement for the 347 along much of its route, as any regular passenger would already have noticed. It only shows a sliver of the 269, not where it actually goes. Also it says 'Tram' again.
What's wrong with a map?
Here's my unprofessional attempt.
If you're now going 'oh I see what's happening now', I think that proves my point.
See how the 346 has already essentially replaced the 347 between Harold Wood and Upminster. See how the 370 is an excellent alternative between Romford, Upminster, North Ockendon and South Ockendon. See how the 269 is not a great alternative for London residents. See the brief section of road east of Upminster that no longer has a bus service because the red 347 has been withdrawn. Yes my map's oversimplified and no it doesn't cover every possible need, but that's why it's more useful.
Don't be so patronising about crossing roads. And you can't jaywalk here anyway because there's a barrier in the middle of the road so you have to use the subway. Also stop QQ is not at Mercury Gardens. I wonder if whoever wrote this advice has ever been to Romford, let alone ridden the 347 bus.
This is something TfL are mysteriously fixated on when a bus route changes - explicit detail about how to walk from where the old bus stopped to where the new bus departs. Only in their world does anyone need to know that stop M is precisely 26m from stop K, for example. What'd be useful here is a simple map showing which routes leave from which bus stop. Instead someone has gone to the effort of creating an unhelpfully verbose map that focuses on instructions rather than clarity.
There are going to be four more of these maps, so maybe stick the kettle on.
This is the stupidest advice on the entire page. Stop QQ was the penultimate stop on the 347 so nobody ever boarded here, indeed it's only a 300m walk to the last stop at Romford station. What's more if someone were so incapacitated that they did need to catch a bus, they wouldn't have waited specially for a bus that runs only four times a day, not when the other buses run 400 times between them.
All of this is then repeated on a map - the locations, the walking distances, the routes and the destinations. It's very much overkill. They could just have linked to the Romford station bus spider map - it still exists and it's been specially updated. Instead an employee has sat down and created a walking map nobody needs.
My hunch is that all this is part of an equalities agenda, hence the presentation of information that would be appropriate if you were blind, seriously infirm or otherwise challenged. However I very much doubt that such a passenger exists, mainly for the reason that the 347 was one of London's least used services. The 347 used to get just 32600 passengers a year, that's 100 a day, or 13 per bus, and almost all of those were regulars. It would have been easier to ask the 347 driver if they ever had any blind or wheelchairbound passengers and then to get on the bus and offer them perfect advice face to face.
Again you'd have to be a pretty perverse passenger to have only ever used the two-hourly 347 to get to Romford and not to realise that other much more frequent options exist. There's a direct train with full step-free access, for example. Also whoever wrote this has ignored the fact that route 347 will also no longer serve stop B so you ought to catch the 346 instead, this because they've fixated on changing buses rather than catching them.
OK, now we're getting to the important stuff. TfL are ceasing all bus services to seven bus stops east of Upminster, indeed when I was there last week they'd already removed one of them. Screw you, people of East Upminster, they could have written.
The sanctimonious advice about taking care when crossing roads is grating now. People are only having to walk to distant bus stops because you withdrew their bus service for goodness sake. There is at least a pavement, it's not like the country lane nightmare when TfL withdrew the R7 from Maypole and Bopeep, but it's not a good look for a public service organisation.
Pike Lane's not on the map, neither is it the name of a bus stop, but I suspect locals would know where it was. They'd also know how to walk to the bus stop on Front Lane, they don't need an over-complex map, but TfL have drawn them one anyway. See how the cartographer has patiently depicted how to walk around a grass verge to reach the pavement in multiple locations.
God no. Residents of Franks Cottages (which is all of eight houses) don't want to walk to Clay Tye Road for a terribly infrequent service. The map shows it's a 700m trek for a southbound bus and, ridiculously, a 1200m trek for a northbound bus. Meanwhile it's 1400m to that stop on Front Lane where the 346 stops every 20 minutes.
And then the advice stops... whereas there are in fact three more stops on Clay Tye Road the 347 no longer serves. I counted 38 houses on Clay Tye Road when I walked the length of it, all occupied by London taxpayers, all of whom are having their London bus service withdrawn. And what they should do if they still want a bus is walk south along the pavement to North Ockendon and catch a 370 there. It's about 1000m distant and the 370 runs every 12 minutes so it's the obvious solution.
The other stop that's no longer got a TfL bus service is Ockendon station itself. The underlying vibe in this advice would be to catch the non-TfL 269 but it'd be much better to walk 500m to the parish church and catch the 370 there, then you could be in Upminster in minutes.
It seems ridiculous for TfL to have written such complex advice for an infrequent bus route hardly anyone used. As a guide to what 'hardly anyone' means, consider the passenger numbers at the affected bus stops east of Upminster. In a previous FOI response TfL published the number of boarders at every bus stop on a typical weekday and the 347's numbers were pitiful.
CHESTER AVENUE 0
WINCHESTER AVENUE 0
FRANKS COTTAGES 0
EAST VIEW KENNELS 0
CLAY TYE FARM 0
WHITE POST FARM 0
FEN LANE 0
HOME FARM COTTAGE 0
GROVE FARM COTTAGES 0
GROVE FARM 0
NELSON ROAD 0
WEST ROAD 0
TYSSEN PLACE 0
OCKENDON STATION 0
Nobody was catching the eastbound 347 from stops beyond the edge of Upminster, nobody at all. It's not quite so tumbleweed in the opposite direction but it nearly is, with an average of just two boarders daily along Clay Tye Road. These are ultimately the reasons the 347 was scrapped, and the main reason why all this detailed advice is so unnecessary.
If you're a member of the team at TfL who puts all this together my apologies. I've ripped apart your precise and conscientious work and you probably spent ages compiling it and checking you'd covered everything. My real target is the boss who decided this level of ridiculous detail was necessary, in particular that multiple options needed to be explicit and that walking distances to alternative stops should take prominence. Just look back at the idiocy you've presided over here, you blinkered jobsworth, because in ticking boxes you've failed to produce useful advice for the wider public.
All the average punter really wants to know is "OK so which bus do I need to catch now?", a question most easily answered from a map.
It's galling that TfL no longer produce proper bus maps, indeed it's nine years since they last bothered, and yet they can still churn out half a dozen stupid maps when a bus route is withdrawn. I take heart that none of the handful of passengers who used to ride the 347 will see them.
As the 47th US President is inaugurated, join me for a walk down Trumpers Way over Trumpers Crossing via Trumpers Field to Trumpers Halt.
Today we're in South Hanwell about halfway between Hanwell and Boston Manor stations. Trumpers Way begins on Boston Road amid a cluster of low level shops, garages and paint suppliers. Look for the Boston Manor Hotel on the corner, a self-avowed budget hotel in a heavily-converted building of the kind you often find on the Heathrow fringes. I'd suggest there are far better locations for your banqueting requirements but you might be interested to know that their cheapest single room currently costs less than £40 a night. The road's first peculiarity is that Trumpers Way isn't residential even though the streets to either side are, with no trickle-through pedestrian access, and the second peculiarity is that most of the traffic emerging up the lane is vans, trucks and articulated lorries. This is because it was originally a minor lane leading down to the canalside but these days it heads somewhere a lot more industrial.
The first outpost of scrap metal dealers and motor repair businesses has recently been swept away behind a graffitied hoarding and awaits rebirth as 213 new homes. These two acres of grubby brownfield have been cynically branded Elthorne Village, so I'd strongly encourage prospective buyers to visit now to experience how much of a rural idyll it never was. The adjacent mixed-use development at least had the guts to call itself Broads Foundry. Across the road expect to find a row of long-distance trucks and the run-down HQ of the 7th Hanwell Scout Group, whose £390K rebuilding campaign is still at the £72,000 stage, even five years on, according to the red line on the thermometer outside. More pleasantly a path wends off into the lower end of Elthorne Park, this the wilder, squelchier end rather than the ornamental precision at the upper end.
Trumpers Way once ended at the Grand Union Canal but these days launches across the water on a traffic-controlled steel bridge. This provides a broad panorama across what used to be two large factories and is now a warren of minor industrial units. The sign outside the Waterside Trading Estate lists over 30 separate companies occupying the warehouses beyond, from plant hire to joinery, although so many numbers have peeled off their map good luck in locating them. The largest company hereabouts is Patterson Construction, underpinners of 40 years standing, and the least attractive must be whoever it is has the pile of pallets and rusting containers behind the main gate. The local workforce's refreshment needs are catered for by the Magic Cafe, a reassuringly trad affair in a shack with bottled sauces and formica tables. If you're ever walking Capital Ring section 8, consider breaking off the towpath for a warming Soup Of The Day or an £8 Full English.
On the outside of the final bend we find Trumpers Crossing, one of just eight remaining public footpath level crossings in Greater London. It survives because it's out of the way and because it only crosses a dead-end freight line with barely any rumblings per week. This single track line opened in 1859 as a spur on the Great Western Mainline towards Brentford Docks and was so strategically important that it proved to be Isambard Kingdom Brunel's final project. A passenger service between Southall and Brentford was later provided using single-carriage railmotors but was resolutely underused and closed twice, most recently in 1926. For a more in-depth look at the line's history head here, or for Geoff's video click here.
Crossing the line here requires passing through a swing gate, along a brief footpath and up some steps to match the height of the ballast. Users are reminded to keep their dogs on a lead and also warned that passing trains don't blow their whistle between midnight and 6am, not that I can imagine why anyone would be in this godforsaken spot at this time. During daylight hours a lumbering aggregates train or waste disposal monster ought to be really really obvious, and really really rare, but be careful to Stop Look Listen all the same.
On the far side is the Warren Farm Nature Reserve, a very recent designation, whose 60 muddy acres are slowly rewilding. Climb the steep embankment to the left to meet a herd of cows on Earl of Jersey's Field, or step out onto the large field to the right amid the professional dog exercisers. Previously this was a recreation ground which Ealing council were keen to sell to QPR as a first team training facility until that deal fell through in 2020, and before that it was mostly used by schools and clubs. 100 years ago this was all still a family farm called Warren Farm, which in Brunel's era was owned by a man furious that his meadows were to be divided by the railway... and his name was George Trumper. You knew we'd get to the big name reveal eventually.
If you don't cross Trumpers Crossing a more appealing footpath leads off alongside the railway to a meadow called Trumpers Field. This is part of a chain of canalside meadows including Blackberry Corner, Jubilee Meadow and St Margaret's, and is the only one of the four not to be long and thin. January is alas not the best month for a picnic, a whirl round the orchard or a rest on one of the utilitarian benches, but with the leaves gone you do get a half-decent view of the blue box of utilities on the roof of Ealing Hospital.
At the far end of Trumpers Field is another footpath level crossing, this time officially a private one although anyone can cross. It's called Warren Farm Level Crossing and would originally have been where the farmer drove across the freight line, indeed locked gates are still provided. It's also the unlikely location of a very abandoned station, inevitably named Trumpers Crossing Halt, whose platforms were open to passenger traffic between 1906 and 1915, then again between 1920 and 1926. Bradshaw's Guide reports a half-hourly auto-car service with "a Halt at Trumpers Crossing for Osterley Park and South Hanwell", but not how little used it would have been. I discovered one of the locational drawbacks when I tried to exit towards civilisation on the other side of the canal.
These are Hanwell Locks, London's longestflight, specifically the lowest of the six locks. I looked around for a footbridge but there isn't one, the only way across being via one of the lock gates, which although not necessarily difficult is hardly a good option for the unsteady, the infirm or the encumbered. Escaping the meadows via any of the other locks also requires a gate crossing, the only level route into Hanwell being back across Trumpers Field and up Trumpers Way, a substantial detour which didn't exist when the halt was open. I confess to being somewhat relieved when my muddy boots delivered me safely to the towpath.
So that's Trumpers Way, a lane George Trumper wouldn't have used because it was on the wrong side of the canal, and Trumpers Crossing, disrespectfully named after the man who fought against having the railway built, and Trumper's Field, the remnants of a meadow that's now substantially industrial estate, and Trumpers Crossing Halt, a station that wasn't located at what's now Trumpers Crossing. It's all a tangled mass of inconsistencies, illogical arguments and the fury of old men, so the perfect place to visit today of all days.
Today we have a Labour government and a Democrat President.
Tomorrow, after 5pm GMT, we will not have both of these.
It is also possible that this combination will never happen again.
This unnerves me, although if you're more right wing this may be excellent.
I wondered how often we'd had a Labour government and a Democrat President.
Here are the periods of doubling-up since 1945.
Jul 1945 - Oct 1951: Attlee & Truman Oct 1964 - Jan 1969: Wilson & Johnson Jan 1977 - May 1979: Callaghan & Carter May 1997 - Jan 2001: Blair & Clinton Jan 2009 - May 2010: Brown & Obama Jul 2024 - Jan 2025: Starmer & Biden
That's 196 months of overlap, or 16 years out of 80.
Here are the Conservative/Republican overlaps.
Jan 1953 - Jan 1961: Churchill/Eden/Macmillan & Eisenhower Jan 1971 - Mar 1974: Heath & Nixon/Ford Jan 1981 - Jan 1993: Thatcher/Major & Reagan/Bush Jan 2017 - Jan 2021: May/Johnson & Trump
That's 27 years of overlap, including six complete Presidential terms.
Neither of these lists is likely to change until 2029 when a new President has to take office and by when Labour has to have held a General Election.
We could potentially get one last brief doubling-up... Jan 2029 - Jul 2029: Starmer & another Democrat
But if Sir Keir goes early we could equally get... Apr 2029 - Jan 2033: another Conservative & another Republican
Or perhaps... Jan 2029 - Jan 2037: Reform & another Republican
Or even... 2029 - forever: rightwing overlords
It's all essentially unguessable.
But it is possible that Labour/Democrat never happens again.
Robin Hood Gardens, Poplar's brutalist housing estate, is on its way out. Its west flank was demolished in 2017/2018 and has subsequently been replaced by vernacular flats, and the east flank is now undergoing the same fate. About half has been deconstructed so far, like slicing sequentially through a concrete gateau, leaving the streets in the sky severed and former living rooms open to the sky. Its replacement will be 50% affordable but also architecturaly forgettable, ensuring that nobody will ever write a wistful paragraph about Blackwall Reach. Come before May to see the last stumps of 60s optimism.
This plaque on the Victoria Embankment is unusual in that it commemorates the last time Queen Victoria visited the City of London. She was presented with the City sword by the Lord Mayor on some illegible day in March 1900, died less than a year later and the City erected this plaque on their western boundary in 1902. It's not clear whether the sword presentation took place precisely here, round the back of Middle Temple Garden, although it's perfectly possible because the monarch isn't allowed to enter the City without the permission of the Lord Mayor. I'm not aware of any other plaques deliberately commemorating the last of multiple visits.
It's annoying when engineering works close a stretch of railway line at the weekend, for example the Mildmay line's not operating today between Willesden Junction and Clapham Junction. It is thus reassuring to see that the promised National Rail maintenance is indeed underway, with a long flabby pipe snaking across the tracks at Kensington Olympia to duck beneath the southbound platform, umpteen hi-vis operatives fiddling trackside and a lengthy engineering train parked close by. There might even be some ballast-tamping going on.
If you use a Lime bike in Hammersmith & Fulham you have to park it in a specified parking bay, such as this one outside White City station. This is also the case in the boroughs of Camden, Ealing, Hackney, Hounslow, Lambeth, Lewisham, Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster and the City of London. But in other inner London boroughs you can leave them pretty much anywhere, for example Islington, Southwark and Tower Hamlets, which is why I'm tired of Lime-chuckers abandoning their clunky steeds outside my front door and maybe our Mayor could try a little harder to segregate things.
I spotted this road sign on Vauxhall Bridge Road near Vauxhall Bridge, and what I noticed is that the digits of its A roads all add up to the same number which is 4. What's more all three A roads are a different number of digits long, i.e. 4 = 4+0 = 2+0+2. It's not overly exciting in the grand scheme of things, more a numerical coincidence, but I'll stick my neck out and say that no British road sign has more A roads with an identical digit sum.
Take the train to South Woodham Ferrers. Meet your future life partner. Apply to go on the next series of The Traitors. Mix pot pourri. Draw a graph of sweet colours in a tube of Fruit Pastilles. Move your savings to an account with a better rate of interest. Take your old DVDs to a charity shop. Buy new towels. Reread The Phantom Tollbooth. Stock up on tealights.
Start writing your first novel. Go for coffee at Goldie Joe's in Ponders End. Search for audiobooks in your local library. Count daffodils. Cross the Thames on Hammertons Ferry. Select a blend of tea from outside your comfort zone. Visit Winifred Nicholson's Cumbrian Rag Rugs at MIMA in Middlesbrough. Defrost the oldest thing in your freezer. Halve a Brussels sprout. Get your nose pierced.
Nip into the back row at a stranger's wedding. Check your Premium Bonds. Change your email password. Write a letter to your local paper complaining about thoughtless parking. Count your spoons. Watch the last ever weekend of broadcasting on London Live. Floss. Place a bet on Altobelli in the 2.50 at Ascot. Look for Mars and Jupiter after dark. Shoplift an avocado.
Attend the last ever greyhound meeting at Crayford stadium. Buy a book of wordsearches from your local newsagent. Stir a yoghurt anti-clockwise. Book a podiatric appointment. Hunt for snowdrops at RHS Wisley. Play Settlers of Catan. Buy a half-price ticket in the Great British Rail Sale. Tap your barometer. Alight the Oxford Tube at the Lewknor Turn. Take forty winks after lunch.
Reject non-essential cookies. Rifle through a charity shop for a new hat. Cut your toenails. Buy a copy of Whizzer and Chips comic on eBay. Parkrun. Ride the escalators at Heathrow Terminal 5. Go wild swimming. Play a CD you haven't listened to since the 20th century. Take communion. Walk round Harrods for fifteen minutes with no intention of buying anything.
Pull out an unwanted hair. Explore Hampton Court's gardens for free. Ride a local bus to the end of the route. Buy a Creme Egg and stash it away so you can eat it in June. Sign up to a new social media service. Light a candle. Take your yoga mat to Cassiobury Park. Queue for brunch outside Milk Beach in Soho. Explore the top floor of the V&A. Wordle.
Follow Dulwich Hamlet's new manager to Billericay Town. Swap your socks at midday. Go see the new Bob Dylan biopic. Scrub the oven. Phone a family member unexpectedly. Take your daughter to ballet. Draw a cartoon of Beavis and Butthead being attacked by geese. Stuff Dry January. Buy a newspaper. Don your walking boots and squelch through local woodland.
Book a ticket to a summer festival. Check your spam folder. Complete your Self Assessment return. Complete a workout down the gym before breakfast. Upload a 38 second video from the Dangleway. Make a list of all the stations you've been to so far this year. Lick a croissant. Plump up your cushions. Visit a tropical fish showroom on the Essex fringes. Hibernate.
Dye your hair blue. Celebrate Wassail Day at the Village Orchard Dulwich. Stand underneath Spaghetti Junction. Find an unlocked parish church and rearrange all the kneelers. Visit the January Sales. Bake a cake. Criticise the culinary skills of the celebs on Saturday Kitchen. Knit a scarf. Change your name by deed poll. Climb a ladder.
Watch whatever the YouTube algorithm throws up. Shave off one eyebrow. Buy doughnuts from a stall in a shopping mall. Clean your windows. Watch the snooker. Mix together two bags of crisps. Count up all your small change and see how much you can get for it at the garage shop. Board a cruise ship. Despair at the way the world's going. Take up the violin.
Cook one of your grandmother's recipes. Switch your broadband provider. Climb Primrose Hill. Get a manicure. Take the recycling out. Ride the rail replacement bus to Gospel Oak. Soak for an hour in a bubbly bath. Join the waiting list for an allotment. Take a selfie from the wines & spirits aisle at your local supermarket. Make a break for the seaside.
Get someone to cook you a Sunday roast. Wear fancy dress to the cash and carry. Walk to the end of Southport Pier. Throw stones at a Lime bike. Invest in a pair of boxfresh trainers. See Hot Wheels Monster Trucks Live at the Manchester Arena. Pitch and putt. Research your family genealogy. Watch Squid Game 2 using 4G on the Jubilee line. Diet.
Ramble along a riverbank. Henna your forearm. See the Magna Carta at Lincoln Castle. Treat your spouse to some afternoon delight. Plan your dream kitchen. Switch off Pick of the Pops after 1994 because 2001 wasn't much cop. Cancel a subscription. Give your local kebab shop a 5-star review on Tripadvisor. Watch a Christmas movie on Netflix. Sell your bitcoin.
Tackle the prize crossword. Jazz up your breakfast with sausages and/or pancakes. Buy some Vicar of Dibley stamps at your local Post Office. Stand inside Outernet. Upgrade to first class. Step inside Lush and inhale deeply. Discover all that Bexleyheath has to offer. Feed ducks. Meet bikers at the Kempton Park Motorcycle Jumble. Take the National Express.
Splash out on cocktails. Watch Tower Bridge lift. Pretend to drive around Kidderminster on Streetview. Buy a kitten. Stand on one leg in the middle of Waterloo Bridge. View Mike Kelley's sculptures at Tate Modern. Enjoy all the trimmings at a Toby Carvery. Moisturise. Hire an e-scooter and explore Milton Keynes. Go for a beigel at 3am.
Watch Harlequins tackle Glasgow Warriors in the European Champions Cup. Slurp a barista's impressive froth. Walk the long way round IKEA. Weigh yourself. Eat Doritos all the way through Michael McIntyre's Big Show. Beat your Geoguessr high score. Wear a vest. See how far a £20 note will get you in a Soho pub. Climb Scafell Pike. Rewatch Twin Peaks.
Sit in the front seat on the DLR. Throw a dinner party. Visit a random street in the London borough of Sutton. Fly abroad. Pour vinegar on a bag of chippie chips. Start a Duolingo course in Danish. Enjoy a restricted view at the Royal Opera House. Have a bowl of Shredded Wheat. See London in fog from the top of Horizon 22. Hoover.
See Van Gogh at the National Gallery in the small hours. Grab a raspberry croissant from Cafe Nero. Spend six hours on a Playstation. Book an eye test. Iron shirts. Sleep over at the Science Museum. Lie on a trolley in a hospital corridor. Throw away your cheque books. Endure a morning at the soft play centre. Attend the London Short Film Festival.
Buy tulips. See the light sculptures on the South Bank. Watch Wristmeetrazor live at the Attic Bar in Glasgow. Stand outside a station with a rack of religious tracts. Chip a puppy. Take piano lessons. Grill fish fingers and Alphabites for the kids' dinner. Alphabetise your bookshelves. Take arty photos of a concrete viaduct. Learn to crochet.
Hunt for bargains at Shepherds Bush Market. Buy noodles at Camden Market. Walk an alpaca. Wear your best spangly jacket to ABBA Voyage. Sail to France. Get married. Chain yourself to the railings in front of Buckingham Palace. Open a packet of chocolate digestives. Pick holes in a blogpost. Stay in bed.
Earlier this week I spotted this 40 year-old poster at Leytonstone station.
It's an original from January 1985, unexpectedly uncovered.
I could tell it was original because it had come loose in the bottom left hand corner and half a dozen even older posters were lurking underneath.
I hope someone preserves it.
More to the point I hope it's still there.
The Capitalcard was a new addition to London's ticketing system in 1985. At the time Travelcards only allowed travel on the Underground and buses, but the more expensive Capitalcard allowed travel on British Rail services too. You can see an example of a Capitalcard here. They remained in use until 1989 when Travelcards gained BR validity and the Capitalcard brand was phased out.
I wondered what other fare-related posters might be in the stack, before and after...
1900: Pay the clerk at the ticket office window, there's a good chap 1913: Please be patient while we locate the correct paper ticket from our rack 1932: Let our new automated ticket machines speed you on your way 1947: Riding the Underground is cheaper than half a pound of brisket 1955: Your Central line journey now costs a ha'penny more 1968: Yellow flat fare tickets are fair for all 1971: Use your new pennies to take a ride to Bank 1981: Fare zones make travel cheaper and more flexible 1982: Your fare has doubled, sorry, blame Bromley 1983: The new Travelcard means more convenience and less queueing 1985: The power of London's Bus, Rail and underground services from just one card 1988: Don't be afraid, stick your ticket in the electronic gate 1995: You should absolutely definitely buy a One Day Travelcard 2003: Embrace the future, get your Oyster card today 2005: Daily capping is a proper gamechanger innit? 2010: Oh go on, we'll let you use Oyster on rail services now 2014: Why not go contactless, but avoid card clash at all costs! 2015: Are you still using Oyster? Loser 2023: Please stop buying One Day Travelcards, we hate them now 2025: Just swipe your device and let us worry about how much it costs
The withdrawal of route 347, London's least frequent bus, is a excellent excuse to update the new top 10.
London's ten rarest bus routes*
* scheduled TfL buses, in one direction, ordered by weekly frequency (no school journeys, no mobility services)
1)389Barnet → Western Way 2)399Barnet → Hadley Wood
The 299 bus runs regularly between Muswell Hill and Cockfosters. Once the morning rush hour is over one vehicle flips its blind to become a 399 and nips round Hadley Wood to the shops in Barnet. Here it flips its blind again to become a 389 for the eight minute trip to the Underhill estate. Then it's eight minutes back to Barnet, and flip back to 399, and back to Hadley Wood, and flip back to being a 389 again. And repeat, but only until the evening peak - both services are all sewn up by 3pm. The 389 is also London's shortest bus route while the 399 is London's least used bus route, so they now hold all the crowns. Flipping infrequent. Mon-Fri 5/6 buses, Sat 5/6 buses; weekly total 30/36 buses
2)385Chingford → Crooked Billet
When they say Crooked Billet they really mean the big Sainsbury's close to what used to be Walthamstow Stadium. The 385 exists solely so TfL can claim that people living along the eastern edge of the Lea Valley reservoirs have a bus service (even if it is a bit sparse and packs up by 4pm). Mon-Fri 6 buses, Sat 6 buses; weekly total 36 buses
2)R10Orpington ← Knockholt ← Orpington (circular) 5)R5Orpington → Knockholt → Orpington (circular)
The southeast corner of London is remarkably rural, green and villagey. These minor routes penetrate the border with Kent, serving Cudham on the London side and Halstead on the other, via a variety of other obscure non-urban locations. The R10 goes anti-clockwise round the big loop while the R5 goes clockwise, slightly more often. The 150 minute gap between services is the longest of any TfL bus route. Mon-Fri 6/7 buses, Sat 6/7 buses; weekly total 36/42 buses
5)H3Golders Green → Hilltop → Golders Green (circular)
The H3 minibus meanders round Hampstead Garden Village to the north of the Heath, along long residential roads where every householder owns a car. It pauses at the Spaniards Inn, nips up to East Finchley station, turns round beneath East Finchley Cemetery and then heads all the way back again. You probably wouldn't (and after 3pm, you can't). Mon-Fri 7 buses, Sat 7 buses; weekly total 42 buses
7)375Romford → Havering-atte-Bower → Passingford Bridge
Over to Romford for a one-and-a-half-hourly bus, introduced in 2008 as part-replacement for an Arriva service that linked Romford to Epping. The 375 trots infrequently to the edge of London, continues to the first practical turning point at Passingford Bridge and then heads back to Romford again. It no longer connects to anywhere useful but keeps the edge of Havering ticking over. Mon-Fri 9 buses, Sat 9 buses; weekly total 54 buses
7)U10Uxbridge → Ickenham → Ruislip
The U10 serves otherwise-isolated estates in Ickenham and Ruislip and has done since 1994. It entered the top 10 in 2022 when its frequency was cut from hourly to every 90 minutes, to the dismay of local residents, notionally to improve reliability. Now that the 347 has been extinguished London's least frequent buses are the R5/R10 (every 2½ hrs), the 375 and U10 (every 1½ hrs), the R8 (every 80-85 minutes) and the 146 (a bit worse than hourly). Mon-Fri 9 buses, Sat 9 buses; weekly total 54 buses
9)N28Camden Town → Earl's Court → Wandsworth 9)N113Trafalgar Square → Brent Cross → Edgware
The N28 interleaves with the N31 between Camden and South Kensington before bearing off alone, not quite so often, towards Wandsworth. The N113 was introduced in 2012 as a parallel service to the N13, running to Edgware rather than Finchley, introducing an overnight service to the A41 corridor for the first time. These are the only N-prefixed buses to run just eight times a night. (The N11, N27, N31, N33, N41, N65, N72, N74, N136, N199, N250 and N381 run nine times, so they'd be joint twelfth) Mon-Fri 8 buses, Sat 8 buses, Sun 8 buses; weekly total 56 buses
11)SL6Russell Square → West Norwood → West Croydon
I know I said this was a top 10 but I had to include number 11 because it's a Superloop service. Twelve buses into town during the morning peak and twelve back again in the evening is ridiculously fewer services than the rest of the Superloop routes. It's the only bus you're not allowed to get off untill the express section is complete so makes for a unique commuting experience Mon-Fri 12 buses; weekly total 60 buses
London's next dead bus 347: Romford to Ockendon Location: outer London/Essex Length of journey: 12 miles, 45 minutes
The 347, which dies this weekend, is London's least frequent bus. It runs at two hourly intervals just four times a day - all journeys done and dusted by 5pm - and is also one of London's least used bus routes. It exists to serve a few quiet lanes on the Essex fringes either side of Upminster and has done since 2004. But TfL have decreed that residents of those far flung lanes can do without a London bus service, all to save a bit of money, so the 347 runs for the very last time tomorrow. Many may mourn its passing but few will miss it.
The death of the 347 has its roots in a 2023 consultation which proposed merging the minor 346 with the unloved 497. The merged 346 was introduced last March, bringing three buses an hour to what had been barely-served roads between Harold Wood and Upminster. This made the 347 mostly redundant, but with a Mayoral election imminent TfL couldn't quite bring themselves to pull the plug. A decision to kill off the route was made last August and announced last month, much to the disappointment of the leader of Havering Council. To read his statement click here, to view the consultation click here, to read my summary click here, to watch Geoff's video about a ride on the 347 click here and to take one final virtual ride read on.
The 347 slips out of the back of Romford station on the hour, every two hours, pulling up at bus stop Z to generally minimal interest. There are quicker ways to get to Upminster and Ockendon stations, including the Lakeside-bound 370 and of course the train, so you have to be quite dedicated to choose to board this circuitous single decker instead. The 347's paltry timetable is still posted here although the route no longer appears on the spider map pinned up in the shelter because this was updated and replaced prematurely two weeks ago. The bus stop panel also displays a 'Route 347 will be withdrawn' poster with a map designed by TfL's How Bloody Complicated Can We Make This department. I could drone on for ages about why their awful map didn't need to show seven alternative routes, including not enough of the key ones, but thankfully here comes the bus and I need to get on board.
Our ageing vehicle rattles and whines its way past Romford's shops, picking up nobody. Its windows are filthy which is a shame because we'll be speeding between fields later, but why use a decent vehicle on a doomed and underused route? Our first passenger boards outside the police station, a lady with a metal poppy hanging from her handbag, and a second in a hoodie at the next stop. One has only boarded because we came along first - the 174 or 498 would have done just as well - and the other is heading to a workplace in Upminster that won't have a direct bus service next week. By the time we reach the rusting flyover only one of them remains, and then it's time for the Tesco twiddle.
When the 347 was introduced it was deemed important to serve the Gallows Corner Tesco Extra so the bus has to filter right to leave the A12, meander down to the back of the car park and then negotiate its way back out again. Since then Harold Wood Hospital has been turned into a housing estate allowing the 346 to filter through to the station much quicker, but sending the 347 that way would have involved a pesky consultation so nobody bothered and we have to queue back out onto the A12. Passengerwise it works though. Nobody wanted us at the supermarket but here on the arterial a pensioner with a wheeled chair flags us down and the driver gets to demonstrate that the step-free ramp still works.
Twenty minutes in and we've reached Harold Wood station, a Crossrail interchange, beyond which comes the first set of lanes where the 347 used to be the sole route. Nobody's interested in boarding, however, and the reason for this is soon evident as we catch up with the 346 in front. Since the route was reformulated last year the 346 and 347 now share the next sixteen stops, out past Pages Wood and into Upminster, and us being stuck behind the other route is the perfect exemplification of why the 347 is no longer needed. A couple of passengers board and alight the other bus, including one who successfully flags it down during the remote mile with no bus stops where it's not officially Hail & Ride either. If anyone from TfL's Let's Add New Bus Stops department is reading, residents of Cornsland Close would appreciate an official stop rather than watching 100 buses a day skipping by.
We cross the Southend Arterial and enter the outskirts of Upminster past the new housing estate where the pitch and putt used to be, enjoying some fine views across the Ingrebourne valley towards the heights of Emerson Park. The 346 finally gets overtaken outside Upminster station because it's paused for a driver changeover, allowing us to pick up one final passenger heading to North Ockendon (who could have caught the 370 but we happened to come by first). Upminster has a Brewdog these days, perhaps to balance out the longstanding Wimpy and Waitrose. The first half-mile of St Mary's Lane retains two bus routes for now, much to residents' relief, but after the railway bridge the 346 veers off into Cranham and we enter the 2½ miles of Outer London TfL are about to abandon.
Someone's been busy at Chester Avenue because the westbound bus stop and its bus shelter have already been removed, which seems somewhat premature. Six streets of semis are about to lose their bus service too, I reckon 300 houses all told, although all but Winchester Avenue will still be within 400m walking distance of the 346. The Jobbers Rest and the Thatched House are also outside TfL's nominal walking distance, although both pubs have decent sized car parks and trade will not be harmed. Ditto the golf club and its co-located restaurant Jaxon's Eating House, which sounds like the most Essex name imaginable even though we're still in London, just about.
Franks Cottages are the first houses to be genuinely inconvenienced by the 347's departure, assuming you don't think a bus that barely runs is too much of an inconvenience anyway. There are eight cottages altogether, one with a red telephone box in the front garden, on a gentle bend just before the M25 thunders over. The other properties along this stretch are all farms with long driveways hosting subdivided commercial units, should you be in need of animal feed, joinery supplies or white van hire. The most intriguing is Fairoak Showman's Quarters, a Traveller plot accommodating half a dozen caravans because fairground operators need somewhere to hunker down during the off-season. In total this stretch of St Mary's Lane has seven bus stops that'll never see another bus, not after tomorrow, and will all likely go the same way as poor Chester Avenue.
At London's easternmost mini-roundabout the 347 turns right and follows Clay Tye Road rather than continuing past the koi carp temple and veering into Essex. Initially there are marshy fields to either side and views of elevated traffic on the M25, then the scrawny hedgerows and outlying houses begin. Many are sprawling bungalows, some are detached hideaways and all have an air of independence about them as befits the Havering/Thurrock margins. Only one house displays a St George's flag, proudly flapping beside its electronic gates, and likewise only one has a Circus Skills Workshops trailer parked outside the kitchen.
Europe's largest datacentre is planned to be built across adjacent fields, hence posters are attached to lampposts decrying the loss of 175 acres of scruffy Green Belt. A large patch has already been swallowed by the geometric forest of Warley Substation and its associated battery farm, but that's a battle lost. The strung-out houses gently coalesce to form an unnamed hamlet - North North Ockendon perhaps - within which are a garden centre, a reptile shop and a nursing home. Arguably they shouldn't be London residents, being the wrong side of the M25, and as of next week TfL will be treating them as such by withdrawing their bus service.
The mitigation is that Clay Tye Road is also served by bus route 269, a non-TfL service run by NIBS Buses of Wickford. In good news it runs five times a day but in bad news it runs less frequently than the 347 and won't take you to the shops in Upminster or Romford. Instead it connects Brentwood to Grays, both proper Essex destinations, and spends less than five minutes inside the Greater London boundary. TfL have deigned to show the 269 on their not very good map and pointed out it charges special fares, but it's unusual to see them abdicate responsibility entirely. That said hardly anyone here ever caught the 347, they all have cars, and if anyone really wants a red bus rather than a yellow one they can always walk ten minutes up the hill to North Ockendon proper.
North Ockendon proper no longer contains a pub, the Old White Horse having closed in 2022, but it does still have a 14th century church, a holy well and a car dealership. Here the 347 drops off its Upminster passenger and then rattles on out of the village and finally out of London. You could see the adjoining fields better from a double decker, or indeed if someone had cleaned the windows, but they're scrappy fenland fields and paddocks so you're perhaps not missing much. At this speed South Ockendon swiftly arrives, a proper suburb with a village hall, a village green and 400 acres of ex-council housing. The 347 turns off as soon as it possibly can, because why serve Essex when you're funded by Londoners, and draws to an abrupt halt outside thec2c station.
It's probably right that the 347 is being withdrawn, especially now that the 346 has been remodelled to cover much of its route. And whilst it's technically bad news for Franks Cottages and the 40 houses down Clay Tye Road, conjuring up an alternative service to fill the gap would undoubtedly be a massive waste of money. A bus that runs only four times a day isn't going to be missed much anyway. But it's still a shame to see such a quirky rural ride extinguished, so if you want to experience one of the last journeys of London's least frequent bus you have until Friday teatime and then it's gone.
