Until recently I thought I was living a blameless life as a caring global citizen. But no. Instead I have come to realise that I must bear the guilty burden of forty years of unintentional eco-terrorism. My thoughtless actions are slowly destroying the planet on which I live, and I must make amends. My life, alas, is not carbonneutral. Everything that I do pumps CO2 into the atmosphere. Electricity consumption, air travel, heating my water, taking the train - it all adds up and it all contributes inexorably towards irreversible global warming. Feel my shame.
I've been brought to my enviromental knees by the recently-released eco-plans of several upstanding public bodies. The government has pledged to offset the carbon impact caused by international flights to the upcoming G8 summit by donating £50000 to green projects in Africa. How worthy. And those jolly nice hype-free blokes in Coldplay have produced a carbon neutral album by planting sufficient trees to cancel out the CO2 generated by pressing hundreds of thousands of copies of their latest CD. How genuine. Admittedly this is nothing new - top pop group B*witched were busy planting trees in Holland Park as long as six years ago. But going carbon neutral has become the modern path to ethical responsibility - even more worthy than wearing a coloured wristband - and I can no longer stand idly by.
Several companies have sprung up to help consumers to attain carbon neutrality. How selfless. • Future Forests offer to help you to calculate your personal carbon deficit and then plant trees on your behalf. For example, a long haul flight from London to Australia creates 3¾ tonnes of CO2, which can be offset by planting 5 trees at a cost of just £50. How inspirational. • Carbonfund pledge to offset your personal carbon footprint by "buying up carbon dioxide credits from sources around the world and retiring the emission credits". Just send them some money and let them ease your conscience. How credible. • Climate Care meanwhile are busy investing in several worthy environmental projects around the world. Tell them your personal habits and you can repay your carbon debts online, or even pay off someone else's carbon debts as a gift instead. I owe them at least £75 apparently. How criminal of me not to have noticed before.
So I've decided that diamond geezer must become the world's first carbon neutral blog, starting today. Here's how.
• Every kilowatt hour of generated electricity emits approximately 0.4 kg of CO2 into the atmosphere. • Home computers (with monitors) use approximately 0.2 kilowatts of electricity every hour. • I get about 400 visitors each day, and let's assume they all stay here and read my blog for two minutes. • That means that your blog visits are damaging the environment at the rate of 0.4 × 0.2 × 400 ÷ 60 × 2 = 1 kg of CO2 each day, near enough. Which is just over a third of a tonne a year. • One tree offsets approximately one tonne of CO2 throughout its lifetime. • I can therefore offset your blog visits by planting one tree every three years.
I hereby pledge to make diamond geezercarbon neutral by planting a tree on Monday 9th June 2008.
You too can assist global recovery by making a few simpleenvironmentalsavings, like not using your washing machine until it's full, switching off your phone recharger and riding a bike to work. Quick, before the Maldives disappear. Me, I'm sitting here in the dark.
