diamond geezer

 Saturday, October 07, 2017

It's been several months since I shared some spam from the diamond geezer marketing inbox. Let's put that right.
I wanted to see if you might fancy coming along to our <Ingredients Company> breakfast session next Thursday? Nutritionist and TV presenter Sally Bee will be sharing some lazy tips on healthy breakfasting and we’ll cook along making dishes including spicy eggs and beautiful little smoothie bowls using <Ingredients Company>’s pre-chopped and prepared chilli, garlic, lemongrass and ginger.
I did not share Lucy's misguided idea that healthy breakfasting includes spicy eggs. Also, she called her event an "inspo", which made me feel quite queasy.
World Emoji Day marks the first time that <World Class Cultural Venue> has teamed up with a digital platform like Twitter to tell the stories of some of the world’s best-loved operas and ballets, engaging new audiences at giant scale for the first time as part of a strategy to pivot into dialogue-platforms.
I'd hope it's also the last time, Harry. Rarely have I read such world class <poo emoji>.
Hope all is well.
I am just sending on a reminder for our press preview performance for <Amateur Play>, which will be taking place tomorrow (please see invite below).
Your email might have been less peeving, Natalie, if you'd sent an invite before you sent your "reminder".
Hi Diamond,
Hope you’re having a good week. We have a brand new, free-to-download Q&A available with <70s drummer> in advance of his new album <Album> and an ambitious world tour. We are not offering exclusivity on this content but it can be published free-of-charge, with a collection of fully licensed images.
"Hi Diamond" is never a good start. Of course you can't offer exclusivity, Morven, you're in marketing.
Hi there,
Hope you are well.
We work with <Shopping Centre in Outer East London> who are working on exciting new plans to make the shopping centre more of a local destination. I wanted to send you this invitation to see if you were free to join us next Wednesday for a coffee and a cupcake to celebrate the opening of our new Soft Play.
Feven's invite also included an exhortation to "Bring the little ones!" Being little-one-less, I advised her this was not something I am interested in. She replied.
Apologies, I thought you may have wanted to come along. It would be good to know what types of events and launches you would be interested in so I can get in touch with the right invite.
You have to admire the misguided tenacity of these people.
We recently reached out to you hoping to be featured on your website. Unfortunately, we haven't heard back from you which we are super sad about. It's our first time doing this, reaching out to people about our content hoping to grab their attention. I'm just wondering if it was something we said, or perhaps you just didn't think it was a good idea.
It's a shame Beth didn't interpret my silence as Absolutely Not. I fear she may still be super sad.
Hello there,
I hope you are well? For a Monday morning at least.
My name's Hannah and I'm the marketing manager at <Small Publishers>. I just thought I'd let you know about a new guidebook we are publishing next month which I think your readers may be interested in.
Some of you may have wondered how I reply to PR emails. Here's the polite response I sent to Hannah.
Hi Hannah
I never blog about anything sent to me in a marketing email.
All the best with the book.
Alas Hannah was too obsessed with her own product to read what I'd said.
Oh what a shame, it seems to be a great fit for your blog.
Let me know if you change your mind.
Best wishes, Hannah
You might think it'd be a great fit, Hannah. My readers would think differently.
Hi Diamond Geezer
I hope all is well, I have something which may be of interest to your excellent blog.
No Merlin, no. Nothing commercial is ever of interest, including the <£12 walking tour> you were so keen to offer me for free, which I would never have written about.

And that's my message to all the PR people out there with goods or services or festivals or pop-up cocktail speakeasies to promote. I will not attend your event. I will not blog about your product. Best not waste your time trying to enthuse me.

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