I haven't whinged about unsolicited PR emails for a while because I don't get as many as I used to. But they still trickle in, generally from hopeful marketeers with a press release to regurgitate or a plea to amplify some sponsored content. We don't do that here, thanks.
Here then is a roundup of some of the bumf that's arrived in my inbox over the last year, with all the brand names they were desperate for me to mention cruelly blanked out.
Zarya emailed.
We are working with <Japanese food promo company> who’ve set up a new website to showcase the many benefits of Japanese tea, in particular Matcha. They are running a series of free masterclasses in London and would love you to sample it for yourself.
I was particularly unimpressed by her suggestion that "Japanese Matcha tea is the new coffee" because I don't like coffee. I did not attend her four-day tea tasting pop-up in Soho.
Etta tried her luck.
Hi there
My name is Etta and I'm a freelance writer looking to expand my writing portfolio.
Is there any chance that jack of diamonds accepts guest post articles?
If you can't even get the blog's name right, Etta, there is zero chance.
Freddie was peddling romantic-themed experiential crap.
Happy Tuesday!
<Curated culinary bolx> offers a unique perspective on year-round romantic experiences in the heart of London. We believe this content could resonate well with your readers, providing inspiration for couples seeking memorable and intimate experiences.
This is fairly standard stuff, and I mention him only because his name was Freddie Cocker.
Diana misfired in her first sentence.
Good morning, just thought I’d put this on your radar.
Instant no.
Elizabeth thought I had a team of writers.
Hey Diamond Geezer Team!
I'm Elizabeth and I'm on the hunt for exciting new platforms to share my writing. I came across your site and I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the perfect place to showcase my work.
I tried the silent treatment, but this merely encouraged Elizabeth to send three follow-ups.
1) I know things can get buried so I thought I’d reach out and bump this back up in your inbox, in a last-ditch effort to submit an article.
2) Quickly following up on my message. Is this something you would be interested in? Please let me know.
3) Checking in again one last time. Interested or pass?
Thankfully she gave up after that.
Donald had the buzzwordiest email title.
Embracing Collaboration for Impact on diamondgeezer.blogspot.com
He also said he'd been intrigued by my "platform's innovative approach", so I asked for a specific example but he did not reply.
Georgia sent me a lengthy screed For Immediate Release.
Hi, hope you’re well!
I think my colleague Lucy was in touch with you a few weeks ago about <Artistic Thing> which is currently open at <Local Library>. I just wanted to let you know about some upcoming live events in the space in case you’re interested in coming along to do any coverage.
Lucy had not been in touch so I was not coming along to do any coverage, so Georgia was on a loser there.
Amelia wanted to offer me a 'collab'.
Hi Diamond Geezer,
Congrats to you for running such a creative and inspiring blog at "Diamond Geezer"! Your delightful content really stands out, and it’s clear your audience connects with your insightful posts. :)
We’re thrilled to be launching a groundbreaking new social platform called <Four Letter Word> and we’d love to have you be a key part of it!
I bet you would, Amelia, but you can jolly well write your own content rather than exploiting mine for nothing.
Clare made the mistake of alerting me to something I already knew about.
Hi there! Hope you're keeping well.
I wanted to let you know that we are running an <Ambulatory Event> in September and wondered if you might consider including anything about it in your blog around the time of the festival?
This approach never works, Clare, even when it's for a good cause. She also mentioned a specific walk ("it's a very lovely walk if you haven't done it"), and I had to point out I had already walked it and indeed written about it, which suggested that my writing didn't really have much impact.
Vanessa emailed at 8.45 on a Monday morning and thought she had a good opening line.
Hope you are well and have had a lovely weekend.
I am getting in touch with news from attraction tickets provider, <Attraction Tickets Provider> and <Contrived Awards Ceremony> nominees. Please let me know if you need any further information.
I did not need any additional information.
And finally Lorna emailed about a new audio trail in her London borough.
Dear Diamond Geezer
Nature lovers of all ages are invited to explore <Borough>'s parks like never before with Nature Trails, an immersive audio experience offering guided walks through some of <Borough>'s most beloved greenspaces.
Unfortunately Lorna's mailmerge went very very very wrong and she accidentally sent me 380 copies of her press release, one after the other within the same email.
They were all identical apart from the addressee, so there was a "Dear Natasha", a "Dear Secret London", a "Dear BBCFour", a "Dear Outlet Name", a "Dear GB News", a "Dear Brummell", a "Dear Pembrokeshire Herald", a "Dear Wandsworth Times", a "Dear Studies in the History of Gardens & Designed Landscapes", a "Dear Start The Week", a "Dear British Journal for the History of Mathematics", "Dear The Rest is History Podcast", a "Dear TechBullion", a "Dear Sheffield Tribune", a "Dear Julia Bradbury", another "Dear Secret London", a "Dear The Sun", a "Dear Newsdesk", a "Dear Lorna" and 360 other names.
I replied to Lorna saying I hoped she'd never send me 380 copies of the same email again, and to be fair she never has.
Whether you email me once, twice, thrice or even 380 times my response is going to be the same. No I will not promote the thing you'd like me to, my blog doesn't work like that, so please lay off with the repeated comebacks.
And if anyone else with a promotional background is thinking of emailing me to beg a mention, I won't so please don't. Fun though it is to mock and laugh at, I much prefer an inbox uncontaminated by the plaintive sound of desperation.
