Five years from now, Britain's new government introduces the Trafalgar Day public holiday.
Monday, 21 October, 2030
Today we come together for the first time to celebrate Trafalgar Day, a commemoration of the greatest victory in the maritime history of our brave nation. For too long Admiral Lord Nelson and his valiant fleet have been forgotten by communities, colleges and politicians alike, but today we right the wrongs of historic bias and focus once again on a great hero who did so much to ensure pride and insularity.
Our forgotten coastal towns will be the focus of our national celebrations, reflecting the importance of the sea in defending the island of England from marauding foreigners. Embattled communities will look to the waves and invoke the names of our greatest maritime heroes including Grace Darling, Sir Walter Raleigh and Nigel Farage. In Dover a wall of mobility scooters will flash their headlamps out to sea in an attempt to lure migrant dinghies onto the rocks. Hurling pebbles at asylum seekers will be optional.
Trafalgar Day replaces May Day, always the wokest of the bank holidays, which has rightly been scrapped by The People's Government. Whilst it's true that 6th May was particularly sunny this year and the forecast for 21st October looks to be miserably wet, we cannot let the weather dictate our national celebrations. April and May have long been impractically overburdened with bank holidays, in some cases meaning civil servants were barely able to go to work, so an extra break in autumn will surely turbocharge our beleaguered tourism industry.
Please note that Trafalgar Day is not a public holiday in Scotland - they can jolly well go to work as normal.
Street parties will be encouraged, especially in roads named after maritime heroes or foreign battlefields. Shoppers at Morrisons will be able to purchase fish fingers and UK-caught herring at half price throughout the week before Trafalgar Day. Foreign muck will not be included in the campaign. Boeuf Bourguignon, vol-aux-vents and crème brûlée will cost double.
Celebrations will be livecast on GBBC, our new national broadcast channel. All your favourite political commentators will provide their unbiased opinions on events as they unfold, from the launch of the riot cannons to the concluding flag parade. A surefire highlight will be the Half Nelson, a commemorative wrestling tournament broadcast live from the chamber at Lincolnshire County Hall.
The Day Of National Celebration will begin in Trafalgar Square - where else? At 10am John Noakes' grandson will climb to the top of the column without any health and safety nonsense and the former Mayor of London will be whipped in the stocks. At 11am the Private Health Minister will unveil a statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Fourth Plinth, delighting the crowd by setting alight the Everlasting Cigar.
The afternoon will proceed as follows:
12 noon: The Sea Scouts will pull a facsimile of HMS Victory through the streets of Runcorn, Skegness and Basildon, the three new cities approved by the Cabinet in the latest honours list. 1pm: As part of the England Expects initiative, all citizens will be expected to pledge allegiance by taking part in the Doorstep Salute. Residents are invited to snitch on neighbours who fail to appear within the allotted timeslot. 2pm: Life President Donald Trump sends a congratulatory video message from the Gold Penthouse Suite at the White House Ballroom. 3pm: Thomas Heatherwick's ship-shaped Nelson Birthplace Museum will be opened in Burnham Thorpe by the right-minded Mayor of Norfolk and Suffolk. 4pm: The King will give the memorial address from the deck of a gunboat facing Cape Trafalgar before returning provocatively to a banquet in Gibraltar. 5pm: The 225th anniversary of Nelson's death will be commemorated by the launch of the Bank of England's new cryptocurrency, livestreamed from the Admiral's tomb in the crypt of St Paul's Cathedral. 6pm: Vegetarians will not be exempt from the National Fish Supper.
As dusk falls, UK-bound spectators are urged to head to Clacton for the carbon-positive finale as the Royal Navy fires on the Gunfleet Sands Offshore Wind Farm and destroys its woke windmills utterly. A magnificent firework display over the North Sea will be funded using the millions saved by scrapping next year's Census.
Please note that the Channel Tunnel will be closed all day, and rightly so.
All residents will be responsible for the lamppost outside their main residence. An appropriate flag from the approved list must be raised between dawn and dusk, even on holdout lampposts not yet patriotically adorned. If your St George's flag has been flapping for five years and is now looking threadbare, consider purchasing a replacement from leeanderson.com/myproudredcross.
Trafalgar Day will also mark the official launch of the three week Poppy Season. For too long the British Legion has launched our annual period of remembrance much too late, culminating in an official gathering on a random Sunday in November. Remembrance will now peak once again on 11th November, restoring Armistice Day to its rightful place in our national calendar, thereby allowing everyone to attend car boot sales on Sunday morning as God intended. Until then poppies must be worn at all times on public transport.
Children will be encouraged to participate through passive indoctrination as part of the New Approved History Curriculum. Secondary classes will study the Napoleonic Wars and the implicit financial benefits of transatlantic slavery. Primary classes will learn about victorious sea battles from the Armada to the Falklands. Reception classes will make eyepatches while wearing wellington boots.
It is hoped that Trafalgar Day will reinstate Admiral Lord Nelson as a national hero and restore Horatio as a popular boys' name. As the first sailor to successfully stop the boats he is a role model for us all, and represents who we aspire to be as a proud island nation.
Cry God for England, Horatio and Cape Trafalgar! And enjoy your inaugural October day off.
