diamond geezer

 Wednesday, March 14, 2012

London 2012  London 2012
  Olympic risk register

Description of riskProbabilityImpactMitigation/Contingency
Unrecognised plane sighted in no-fly zone above Olympic ParkLikelyDisastrousLocate clusters of anti-aircraft guns on Blackheath and Shooters Hill
Concealed nuclear device triggered by lighting of Olympic flamePossibleCatastrophicReplace gaspipe apparatus with flickering holographic projection
Mayor of London grabs flag and waves it in front of global audience of three billionCertainEmbarrassing Attempt to elect non-embarrassing mayor on May 3rd
Persistent rain in London for a fortnightProbableDisappointingSwitch sailing to Stratford, and athletics to Weymouth
Queen dies on first day of OlympicsFeasibleUnspeakableThat's the entire Games wrecked, then
Prince Philip dies on first day of ParalympicsPossibleMildYeah, who cares?
Actor who plays mascot Mandeville accused of child molestationUnlikelyAppallingInitiate Olympic Mitigation Strategy 3056/003 (Synchronised News Diversion Protocol)
Explosive device hidden in narrowboat detonates on River LeaMinorTragicBlock off river traffic for three months, just to be on the safe side
Rogue vuvuzela slips through scanners at beach volleyball eventPlausibleEar-splittingLocate trigger-happy Met Police marksmen amongst crowd
Indian athletes refuse to attend Games in hissy fit over Dow wrap sponsorshipModerateAwkwardPlaster the stadium wrap with McDonalds slogans instead to avoid controversy
Power cut during 100m final plunges stadium into darknessMinorTypicalUse Olympic flame to light Olympic torches and distribute amongst crowd
Athlete seen in TV close-up swigging from can of PepsiPossibleCataclysmicAttempt to offload all shares before world economy collapses
Entire Moldovian gymnastics team tests positive for drugsRareMiraculousUse as smokescreen to deflect press attention from Tom Daley's alleged coke habit
Boris Bike pile-up blocks Olympic Route Network at Tower HillSlightCalamitousWalk the Olympic Family to Hyde Park and make them watch the Games on a big screen with the plebs
Simultaneous suspension of Jubilee and Central lines on busiest evening of GamesAnticipatedNightmarishSigh deeply, and wish Crossrail had been built to its original deadline
Plucky British teenage athlete fails to qualify in first raceNigh certainRegrettableSwitch tabloid focus to pre-teen hopes for Rio 2016
Radicalised schoolgirl detonates home-made explosives on platform 2 at Stratford stationRealisticShockingImpose curfew to force entire population of London to stay indoors during the Games, for the sake of national security
Al Qaeda deploy nerve gas at East Midlands shopping centreUnexpected Total FailAlas, it is truly impossible to mitigate against everything
Space octopus descends during Opening Ceremony and consumes crowdRemotePR disasterPoint TV cameras the other way and hope nobody notices
Everything goes just fineProbableReliefYou mean we spent all those billions on security for nothing?
© LOCOG 14/03/12

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