It's been over a year since I last showcased a selection of inappropriate attempts at marketing outreach which have spluttered into my inbox. I don't get many these days because most PR folk have learned not to try, so consider this part of my continued attempt to deter the remainder.
Hi there :)
I'm Roland with <online pet magazine>, an online pet magazine with over 50K monthly readers. Do you offer paid mentions or sponsored posts on diamondgeezer.blogspot.com? I'd love to contribute my knowledge and expertise.
My first thought was that Roland was one of you taking the piss, but I checked and <online pet magazine> genuinely exists, if solely to hide affiliate shopping links amongst the kitty pics.
I hope this e-mail finds you well.
My name is Saffron and I work for <Agency in Runcorn>. We're often looking for bloggers to work with regularly for a variety of different brands and clients. This includes product reviews, sponsorships and collaborations. Is this something you'd be interested in?
I sent a two-letter reply in direct response to Saffron's question, and never heard from her again.
Would you be interested in taking a look at my article that explains why now is a great time to further your education to help your small business start, run and grow? My hope is that if you like the article, you'll publish it on your website. You won't be charged for it.
Too right I won't be paying you anything Amber, or using your article, or indeed reading it.
Amber proved to be one of those over-keen reachers-out who keeps prodding after not getting a response.
Did you receive my email below? I just want to make sure it arrived correctly!
Just circling back to see that you didn't miss my email.
Other increasingly desperate follow-ups I've received this year include...
I wanted to check in and see if you got my note.
Did you check the mail which I sent you a few days ago?
Maybe you missed my earlier emails? Love to hear your thoughts.
Just wanted to check in with you briefly to make sure you got my previous email from a few days ago.
I guess things are busy at the moment but whenever you have a spare moment, I'd be happy to hear back from you.
I’m following up one last time...
I'm always relieved to hear it's the final plea and you won't be emailing again.
I'm an avid reader of your site and I enjoy it so much! I'm wondering if you accept guest posts?
I responded to Helen by reminding her that "If you were a long time avid reader you’d know I regularly rip the piss out of appeals for sponsored content", and here I am proving just that.
I work for the research team at <leading PR platform>.
From our research of your profile online, we think that you would be a great addition to our database and would be interested in the content our customers send to members of the media. We have therefore added your public profile to our platform.
I wrote straight back to Gabi and suggested that in future she should ask before adding sites to her spam-portal, rather than adding them and only asking afterwards. No further unsolicited emails flooded through.
You're Invited to <Popular London Festive Event>
Join us for an Instagrammable evening of light displays, music and food.
We’d love to invite you and a guest along to one night on our first weekend. Doors open at 5.00pm, last entry 7.30pm. If you’d like to join us, just RSVP and we’ll see you at <Popular London Festive Event>!
Kimberley was also going to throw in a two course supper, because making the right impression on a guest blogger boosts the review they might write afterwards. Alas I didn't take up her offer because an Instagrammable freebie is not my thing. I still read plenty of reviews of what I'd missed, however, because that's how the PR game works.
I found your post when looking for articles about London and found a broken link under the anchor text "Hampstead". I clicked the link and it took me through to an error page so wanted to make you aware of it and make you an offer.
We've recently updated an in-depth post about Hampstead Heath and related parks which includes a map of the Hampstead Heath, key information and relevant links. I thought it would be an ideal replacement for the broken link. Do you want me to send it over?
I did not want Keenan from <Vacation Rental Website> to send it over, neither was I interested in Jennifer's Sudoku backlinking request...
In your 2005 post about Sudoku you have a broken link to <brokenlink.com> that doesn't work anymore. As an alternative, I would like to suggest the following sudoku page, <ad-splattered-webpage.com>, which works in the browser and offers 3 difficulties.
I now get far more requests to add a replacement link to a very old post than to write a new post promoting a service or current event. It seems the main benefit of a 19 year-old blog to marketing types is taking advantage of past domain authority for SEO purposes, not trying to persuade existing readers to try something new.
Consider this a polite reminder not to try to get your website into my blog, now or whenever, because if you weren't worth linking to at the time I am not linking to you now.