diamond geezer

 Saturday, March 24, 2012

Has it really been three months since I last revealed a selection of pleading emails that PR folk send me? Sorry, yes it has.
How are you? I hope you don't mind me getting in touch, my name is Lucinda and I work for <well known chocolate bar>. We have an exciting and unique event happening in London on <date> which I thought you might be interested in. You will receive VIP treatment and there will be lots of chocolatey goodies for you to enjoy.
Lucinda got no brand-love from me, despite her blatant freebie-dangling.
Hello,
<Free London newspaper> are searching for writers and bloggers that have got something to say about the Olympics to contribute to our 2012 coverage. With the biggest sporting event to be held in London on the horizon we want to share your opinions and insights with <free London newspaper>’s large audience. Having looked high and low, reviewing blogs and searching out sport professionals, we found your website and would love it if you would like to get involved. Whilst you will not be paid for your posts...
And that's where you lost me, Emma. Me and almost everyone else you emailed. Try employing journalists to write your newspaper.
Good morning, Hope you're well.
I thought you would be interested for Diamond Geezer in how the streets of London have been transformed into a colourful fashion runway, with eight Twiggy-lookalike models, sporting on trend 60s inspired matching outfits in vibrant colours. Accompanying them were 8 '<paint company> dogs' marking a celebration of the brand being named a top 10 Superbrand in the annual release of the rankings, revealed today. Some lovely images attached and some further information below. Hope it's of interest!
Yours was probably the most vacuous non-event press release I've ever been sent, Laura, and that's saying something.
Dear Diamond Geezer,
I’m writing about the possibility of a review of a new book that we at <publishing company> are going to be publishing in March 2012.
Sorry Elizabeth, but I only ever review books that I've bought unprompted using my own money. And the same goes to the author who hoped that, after reviewing his first and second books, I might like a free copy of his third. Not a chance.
Hi there, I was wondering how much you charge for advertising on The Diamond Geezer? I’m looking for a sponsored text link to our client <pest control company> who get rid of pigeons!
My charge is infinite, Liam. I very much doubt you can afford that.
Dear <blank space>,
<Lager brand> here! The <European country> beer brand that has attitude (but doesn’t take itself too seriously - except when it comes to the quality of our beer, of course). We’re really excited about the launch of a new project we’re calling <Lager brand brand>: a new platform for promoting cool projects, inspiring ideas, awesome blogs, creative people, original art... almost anything...
Anyway, while scavenging around and ‘cool – hunting’, we came across your project and we liked it a lot! It fits within the scope of the <Lager brand brand> perfectly. If you feel your Geek Cakes could use some additional promotion, and you’d like people in the coolest spots and bars around the country to discover it, let us know and we’ll put you in the selection.
Because I'm well known for my Geek Cakes aren't I, Mieke? Please take note of PR Communication Rule 1: always check that your mass email spam is correctly personalised before pressing "Send".
Howdy there,
I'm just getting in touch to ask if you're in need of any freelance writers at Diamond Geezer - if so, it'd be an honor to help out and I would love to get involved with any plans should there be space for me... The good news is that I'd be able to offer my services at no charge; the only thing I would ask in return is that I'm able to include a link to a site within the article...
I wonder when you last read one of Izzy's link-laden blogposts without realising it? Not here you didn't.

Alex sent me a generic email request about a competition involving <TV company>, <major exhibition> and <famous gardener>. I declined, politely, which seemed to perplex her somewhat...
Many apologies – but you are listed on Gorkana, the media resource and contacts database. I will remove you from our internal list.
Gorkana, it turns out, are a kind of dating company for time-poor PR account managers, offering specialist contact details for a price. Allegedly their "blog and blogger profiles are rigorously researched" and include "top tips including specific PR opportunities and how they prefer to be approached". Alas, they haven't spotted I prefer not to be approached at all. I wouldn't waste your money on a Gorkana subscription if I were you.

So this message repeats. If you're a press officer or marketing guru with an advertorial email ready to send, do me a favour and don't bother. Because I DO NOT PROMOTE ANY STUFF YOU SEND TO ME. Please, stop wasting your time, and bin your promotional message before I do.


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