But what if we did count our ages in days rather than years? 22223
It's a bit of a science fiction concept, a personal chronometer that ticked over every morning adding one to your lifespan (or worse ticked down towards a menacing zero).
If we did count in days then roughly speaking you'd go to school at 2000, move up to secondary school at 4000, become an adult around 6000, leave university at 8000, start your mid-life crisis at 15000, retire at 25000, hope to live into your 30000s and get a greetings card from the King at 37000.
In reality it'd be entirely impractical, far too reliant on arithmetic and rounding. But what if we did count our ages in days rather than years?
5000 days:Thursday 16th November 1978
Hurrah I am finally a fiveager! Open my presents before school, I get five books and a new briefcase. Arrive early and go to choir practice. Graham looks sad because he's 14 years old today but nobody celebrates that kind of thing. In double English we have to take it in turns to talk into a tape recorder while a mysterious lady visitor watches. At break my classmates give me the bumps - thankfully not all 5000 of them, they get bored after about 30. In French we do vocabulary about Metro stations (sorry, stations de métro). In History Dr Wise is away so all we do is colour in a map of the American War of Independence.
In Science we have a physics test on light. At lunchtime we celebrate my big day by buying ice cream cornets from the van at the gate. My so-called friends have already scuffed my briefcase. Maths is SMP Book 3 Chapter 8 - Linear Programming. I skip orchestra after school because it's time for my big 5000th birthday party. Mark, Andrew and Nicholas have been invited. Mum made the cake - the candles are very fierce! After everyone goes home I do my history homework and watch The Bionic Woman. Then I stick the little stickers onto my new radio ready for the big frequency switchover next week. Then I have a bath and then I go to bed.
10000 days:Saturday 25th July 1992
Today's the day I finally reach five figures! Celebrated big time last night with beers and barbecued venison sausages at the Olde Coach House Inn in Ashby St Ledgers. Woken around 10am with a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes and a glass of orange juice, but not a kiss because of morning breath. My first relationship has now reached week three and all the signs are it's going great! Ok so last night was restricted to cuddles rather than anything more climactic and OK maybe I shouldn't have dated a smoker. Also it's a shame our prospective plans for the big day are suddenly wiped out by the comment "ah right, now I've got to get on", bringing our weekend rendezvous to an abrupt close. But at least I get driven home to Bedford where my offer of a cuppa is turned down in favour of "an urgent trip to Sainsbury's", and yes this is all going great.
My brother rings with birthday wishes and says his girlfriend has just moved in - it seems our parents took the news well! Then nip out to buy a newspaper and a bag of chips liberally doused in vinegar, certainly a birthday lunch to remember. For my big party Steve has organised an amateur pop quiz at his terraced house in Luton. We watch the opening ceremony of the Barcelona Olympics while we wait for the other contestants to arrive and the wine box to defrost. I end up in the team with Mike and Hazel and we are soon three thousand points behind, mainly because I've taken the narcissistic decision to leave my glasses at home so the video questions are a blur. But the day's really all about the big ten thousand, even if I suspect it could have gone a lot better than it did.
15000 days:Monday 3rd April 2006
No rest for my birthday, it's a new week at work and I have to be in by 8am. Damn, the boiler's being temperamental so my hot water's not working and I have to make do with a kettle. Before my commute's finished I've read the Media section in the paper, which isn't bad for rush hour on the Central line. Prior to starting today's proper work I'm called into the new boss's office and told I have to alter Peter's contract. He won't like it! The other team are apparently still stuck in flooded Prague. There's no milk so we can't have any tea which puts a sour taste on the day. Our foursome in the canteen is joined by a senior colleague for a change so thankfully we don't end up talking about [Melon] and [Peach] as usual, instead we reminisce about school science lessons. Everyone's clubbed together and bought me a birthday card, which is nice of them but you only get a decent present on the day you leave.
After work I walk to the Visit Scotland office to try to pick up some brochures about the Outer Hebrides but they don't have any. Back home I'm annoyed when upstairs get their noisy electric guitar out again. I'm still getting lots of extra visitors to the blog after my kitten-based April Fool on Saturday. And I'm still trying to rescue the data off my hard drive which died in February but the recovery software keeps getting stuck on 48%. My brother and his wife who moved in 5000 days ago have postponed today's intended trip to Legoland with the kids. Hurrah BBC4 is repeating Dr Who and the Green Death, the one with the giant squirty maggots. I hope my boiler gets fixed in the next fortnight because it would be ridiculous if my next bath was in San Francisco (and you wouldn't want to have sat next to me on the plane).
20000 days:Wednesday 11th December 2019
A proper celebration today as I finally hit my twenties. My god I feel old! After breakfast I iron five shirts because you have to wear a collar where we're going, but I end up wearing none of them. Meet BestMate and his parents at the station and take the tube to Westminster. We're booked for lunch at the Peers' Dining Room in the Houses of Parliament because they open it up to mere plebs when the House is suspended during an election campaign. Still knife-edge between Boris and Jeremy, it could go either way tomorrow. We queue through security, then leave our coats on a rack in the corridor outside the Library. The staff are exceptionally courteous, calling us m'lord or m'lady even though they know we're just commoners taking advantage of an electoral gap. Pre-dinner gins cost under £3 as befits a subsidised public institution.
The dining room is a sumptuous L-shaped space with the original off-yellow herringbone wallpaper designed by Augustus Pugin. The menu is British with the emphasis on regional ingredients, conjured up onto the plate in modern style. I kick off with salmon on a disc of pressed cucumber floating in assorted creams and dollops, then move on to a half-plate of confit Aylesbury duck. Dammit, should have ordered the haunch of venison. It's a little odd to have to ask to go to the toilet, but wandering willy-nilly through the corridors of power isn't allowed so every loo visit has to be escorted. Had this been a Bexley restaurant my apple tart would have come with gaudy birthday sparklers rather than a ganache, and the meal concluded with a singsong rather than a tray of petit fours. We depart in agreement it's been an truly excellent experience and wonder who the British public will be voting onto the green benches tomorrow.
25000 days:Friday 19th August 2033
Creak out of bed and open all the windows because it's been tropically warm again all night. Today should be the day my state pension finally kicks in but I'm not hopeful of seeing any money after the Fujitsu software was crippled by another Russian cyber attack last month. Only one birthday card to open - my auntie insists on sending something physical even though a third class stamp now costs £4.90. Not much hope of getting a birthday request on the BBC National Service because the breakfast show's fully automated these days. Enjoy a couple of slices of The People's Loaf and then walk into Stratford because it's quicker than waiting for a bus. Every lamppost is emblazoned with a Stars and Stripes. Check out the library which is selling off all its surplus stock, then catch the Churchill line home. Hopefully the bins might be emptied soon.
A video message from the doctor's surgery congratulates me on becoming eligible for free NHS treatment, and if I agree to pay a subscription I should get seen before the end of the year. The British Care Service has also sent an application form for one of its fully automated care hostels, the perfect solution to the lack-of-migrants crisis. Treat myself to an ice lolly to cool off in this endless summer heat, one that thankfully didn't thaw during last week's power cut. BestMate apologises he won't be able to drive round because his Volkswagen bricked after a software update. Still no news from Japan where the AI network has gone rogue again. Fire up the air fryer for a celebratory fish substitute fillet - I'm fairly sure I can afford fifteen minutes of electricity just this once. How much easier life was 20000 days ago when the worst of my worries were a few spots and a scuffed briefcase.
30000 days:Sunday 28th April 2047
Let's not tempt fate...
