Tubewatch (35)Real-time information There's a new phrase that tube travellers dread to hear. A message that London Underground want the public to hear more often. A meaningless collection of words that patronise rather than inform. "We are being held at a red signal, and we should be moving shortly." Don't you just hate that?
Your train draws to a halt in a tunnel, or sits in a station platform slightly longer than it should. Nothing happens for a bit. And then, when a brief regulation period has elapsed, the driver makes an announcement. Sometimes they say something themselves, directly related to the situation. But more often than not they just press a button in their cab and a disembodied voice echoes through the train. "We are being held at a red signal, and we should be moving shortly." I really hate that.
These reassuring messages are part of a special TfL drive to provide passengers with more real-time information. If we know more about the problems causing our delays, they reckon, then we're less likely to get annoyed. They're almost certainly right. When trains halt unexpectedly, we start wondering what's causing the delay, then fret, then worry. How much better to hear a friendly voice telling us everything's going to be OK. "We are being held at a red signal, and we should be moving shortly." Except, what is this telling us exactly?
"We are being held at a red signal." Yes, obviously. What else is it going to be? A blockade of riot police, or a herd of buffalo on the track? I think not. The train isn't moving, so it's almost certain there's a red signal somewhere barring the way. "We are being held at a red signal" is a generic excuse covering a multitude of potential situations. Could be a stalled train somewhere, could be a train crossing the tracks ahead, could even be (in that dreaded phrase) being held in the platform to "regulate the service". The red signal excuse tells passengers nothing of genuine use, it just sets their passive minds at rest.
"We should be moving shortly." Yes, probably. We're unlikely to be sitting here for ten minutes, because most tube delays are minor and temporary. Indeed, many's the time a driver chooses to play the automatic red signal announcement only for a green signal to appear seconds later and for the train to immediately move on. It seems that TfL insist on an announcement being made so soon into any unexpected stoppage that often it wasn't worth making that announcement in the first place. "Shortly" is a weasel word, used to cover an ill-defined multitude of timespans, and "should be" conveys mere aspiration rather than anything definitive.
Far from being helpful, "We are being held at a red signal, and we should be moving shortly" is condescending fluff. It's part of a top-down target-driven campaign from management which is losing its impact through over-use. Drivers are pressing the magic electronic button in the cab because they're told to, even when it's pointless because there are no relevant facts to impart. Surely it wouldn't hurt to wait until they have some genuine information, and then make a proper personal announcement instead? But no, we are being held up by red tape. It should be removed shortly.
Tubewatch (34)The London Game When I was little, almost certainly about 7, my favourite board game was all about the Underground. It was called, with staggering originality, The London Game, and it involved moving around a central tube map and visiting places. This webpage here took me right back. Being 1972 there was a chap with a bowler hat on the front of the box, and a girl in a bright orange dress feeding the pigeons, but I can forgive that now. The game came with thirty 'Souvenir' cards, with each player shuffled six they had to visit (in any order) to win. Venues as diverse as the Post Office Tower (Warren Street) and Lord's Cricket Ground (St John's Wood) were included, not places the average 7 year old visited regularly and thus imbued with a certain metropolitan mystique. Over and above rolling the dice to get around, the game had two strategic strengths. First you could block off certain stations with counters so that your opponents couldn't pass through until they threw a 6. And second, every time you changed line you had to pick a Hazard card. Sometimes these were nice ("You are a model visitor. Take three consecutive turns") and sometimes not ("Seized by a compulsion. You long to visit Drayton Park. Go there at once."). A simple enough game, but the semi-complexity of the London tube map made it very satisfying to play. I probably made the rest of my family play too often, but they got their own back by not letting me win too often. Thirty-something years later they remembered how much I liked the game and bought me the new edition, in full 21st century colour. It's pretty faithful to the original, although the Jubilee line's now included and the Post Office Tower has a new name. Great stuff. Although still not quite as good as the GreatGameofBritain. Since I was little, almost certainly about 8, my favourite board game's been all about British Rail. Sssh.
Tube quiz (34)Take either train There are some tube journeys you can make, on one train, in two different ways. How many can we find? Rule 1: Trains must travel via completely different routes Rule 2: To keep things simple, the Circle line is not included I'll start you off. And just one suggestion each please. » Mile End ←→ Ealing Broadway (Central or District) » King's Cross St Pancras ←→ Rayners Lane/Uxbridge (Metropolitan or Piccadilly) » Euston northwards ←→ Kennington southwards (Northern) » Stockwell ←→ Warren Street/Euston/King's Cross (Northern or Victoria) » Finsbury Park ←→ King's Cross ←→ Green Park (Piccadilly or Victoria) » Waterloo ←→ Baker Street (Jubilee or Bakerloo) » West Ham ←→ Baker Street (Jubilee or Hammersmith & City) » West Ham ←→ Westminster (Jubilee or District) » Stratford ←→ Bond Street (Jubilee or Central) » Leytonstone ←→ Woodford (Central or Central) » Mile End ←→ Liverpool Street (Central or Hammersmith & City) » Hammersmith ←→ Aldgate East/Barking (District or Hammersmith & City) » Hammersmith ←→ King's Cross (Piccadilly or Hammersmith & City) » Moorgate ←→ King's Cross (Northern or Metropolitan/H&C) » Hatton Cross → Heathrow Terminals 1 2 and 3 (Piccadilly or Piccadilly)
Tube geek (34)The Olympia shuttle Today's Underground boasts one more shuttle service, other than the two I've already mentioned. It's more centrally located, and it actually goes somewhere useful, so you might well have used it. Perhaps more likely you've stood at Earl's Court waiting for a proper train and this shuttle's come in instead and you've cursed. It's the Kensington Olympia service, which spends its days chugging to and fro in the face of general lack of interest. Maybe there's a good reason for that.
The station at Olympia used to be more important than it is now, which explains its size. District line trains first served the station in 1946, running during exhibitions only, and travelling just the one station to Earl's Court. Things improved somewhat in 1986 with services running whether the exhibition centre was open or not, and now one stop further to High Street Kensington. And it's this full journey between Olympia and High Street Kensington which is particularly non-useful, as I shall now attempt to demonstrate.
Kensington Olympia → High Street Kensington (train) Imagine you're at Kensington Olympia and the shuttle's just arrived into the platform. Is it quicker to walk to High Street Kensington, or should you climb aboard and wait? Remember, walking takes the direct route, whereas the train travels in a great big wasteful semicircle [map]. To find out, let's climb aboard and wait. But the shuttle only runs every 20 minutes, so if it's not five past, twenty-five past or quarter to, you're going nowhere. Ho hum. Aha, doors closing, we're off. 0:00: Off under the bridge at Kensington High Street, heading southeast. 3:00: Into Earl'sCourt, where the doors open so that the crowd on the platform can stare but not get on. 4:00: Off again, signals permitting, and the train curves back round to the northwest. 7:00: Into the side platform at High Street Kensington. That wasn't too long. Or was it?
Kensington Olympia → High Street Kensington (walk) Let's try that again, but this time on foot. Direct route this time. To make a proper contest of it, we'll wait for the shuttle to arrive at Olympia and open its doors before we set off. And then start the clock. 0:00: From the station exit, walk off past whatever trade fair's spilling out onto Olympia Way. 2:30: Turn left onto Kensington High Street. It's a long trek, but we're on the right road. 10:00: Still going, and only just reached the old Commonwealth Institute. 15:00: At last, after not quite a mile, here's the station entrance. Surely this is slower. 17:00: Arrive on platform at High Street Kensington. But platform 3's empty. Where's the Olympia train? 22:00: The Olympia train pulls in. Blimey, walking wins!
Conclusion: Yes, the train takes seven minutes, while walking (fast) takes seventeen. But walking can still be quicker, because the train hangs around at Olympia for more than ten minutes before setting off. So if you're ever at Kensington Olympia and the platform's empty (or only just been filled by a fresh train) then don't hang around, walk it.
Tube quiz (33)Name that station Below are 30 strings of consonants which appear (consecutively) in the names of 30 tube stations. Can you identify them? » In clues 1-15 the letters appear together, for example xbr = Uxbridge » In clues 16-30 the letters are broken across two or more words, for example nsgr = Parsons Green
1) chm 2) ckfr 3) ghg
16) dsgr 17) ghst 18) lkf
4) ghtsbr 5) ngsb 6) rchw
19) llg 20) llsq 21) llyc
7) rnch 8) rbl 9) ryl
22) nbr 23) ngscr 24) ntsp
10) stm 11) thf 12) ysw
25) rdbr 26) rywh 27) ssc
13) xf 14) xh 15) xl
28) wg 29) ww 30) ybyb
All answers now in the answer box. But see how many you can guess before you look.
Tubewatch (33)Installed by short-sighted cretins It wouldn't be tube week if I didn't moan about the idiots who install 'next train indicators' on the London Underground. So let me do just that. And this time let me moan about a new type of next train indicator I haven't moaned about before - a squarish dot matrix unit packed with narrow horizontal lines where several next trains can be listed. These units are great when viewed up close, say in ticket halls, where you can easily check when the next service is about to rumble into the platform below. But they're rubbish when viewed from a distance, because the font size is far too small to read.
Here's a particularly atrocious example from Walthamstow Central. Sorry the photo's not in great focus, but you get the idea. We're at the end of the line, at the bottom of the main escalators, with a choice of two platforms. Is the first train to London leaving from the platform to the left or the platform to the right? It's important to know, otherwise you could be sitting on the wrong one while the other train departs. In the past, a big black lightbox sufficed. It lit up with an arrow to tell passengers whether to head left or right. Simple. Effective. Dead. The cretins have been along and switched it off, then installed one of their new square display units instead. It tells you where the next train on platform 1 is going (unsurprisingly, Brixton). It tells you where the next train on platform 2 is going (unsurprisingly, Brixton again). But it doesn't say when. The only useful information is the line at the bottom which reads either "Next train Platform 1" or "Next train Platform 2". Squint carefully, that tiny digit is your only clue. When you have the number you then need to work out which platform is which. A separate enamelled sign below shows platform 1 to the right and platform 2 to the left - which is the opposite way round to what you might expect. Then run for your train, because it might be leaving.
Previously, big letters, follow the arrow. Now, tiny letters, hunt the number, match the number to the platform, work out which way to go. Only an idiot could think that this super-technological solution was an improvement on the old. But then, as we all know, next train indicators are so often installed by cretins.
Tube geek (33)The Mill Hill East shuttle While I'm talking tube shuttle services, let's do another. To Mill Hill East, which is that sticky-out spur up at the top of the Northern line. This distant outpost still gets a few through services during peak hours, but the rest of the time you have to go to Finchley Central and change. You could be here for up to 15 minutes, which is nothing in some parts of the country but a lifetime on the tube. Don't worry, there's a (soulless) waiting room if your feet can't take the strain. The train, when it arrives, is a full 6-car job, even though the number of passengers usually barely requires 2. If you want a carriage to yourself head up to the front, while the driver's changing ends, because all the 'in the know' passengers sit further back. And don't get too comfy, you'll not be on here long.
It may be only a mile to Mill Hill East, but there's a significant natural barrier in the way. That'll be the Dollis Brook, a minor stream by London standards although active enough to have carved out a fairly deep valley over the years. Railways can't go down and up, so a lengthy viaduct has been constructed which bestrides the gap across tall brick arches [photo with train]. About halfway along is the point where London's tube tracks are at their highest above the ground - it's a full 60 feet down to the brook below. The view from the train is of rooftops and a golf course, although the Dollis Brook Viaduct is far more impressive from underneath. Lofty Victorian brickwork loops high overhead, and a series of thin arched gaps recede geometrically into the distance on both sides. You'll want a camera with you, although it's not easy to capture the besteffect in 4:3 ratio [photo]. And mind out for the steady stream of water dripping from a pipe way above your head - it's more dank and muddy down here beside the river than you might expect. Ian can tell you more.
Back on the train, it's not far from here into Mill Hill East station. Three minutes tops to complete the entire journey, sidling in beside Waitrose and crawling to a halt beside the long curving platform [photo]. Now you'll see why getting in nearer the back was a good idea - it enables faster exit down the staircase and out to the street. There's no ticket barrier, and the ticket office is probably closed (not yet for good), giving the place more the feel of a deep suburban National Rail station.
For those alighting at the front of the train, however, do stop and take a look to your left [photo]. The tracks continue for about a train's length beyond the red lights, and then there's a green hump stretching off into some newbuild houses. That's because the line used to go further, all the way to Edgware in fact, but ceased carrying passengers after World War 2. That scuppered plans to take this rail line under Underground control, and means London never gained an additional intermediate tube stop at Mill Hill. The line as far as Mill Hill East survived only because it had been electrified to aid troop movements, while the rest became a freight line, then a footpath, and then (in some places) a route-destroying housing estate. I'll walk it one day, tell you all about it, although quite frankly Jay's excellent video will explain the whole story in a far more entertaining way. And rejoice that the shuttle still ventures out this far, because one day you never know it might not.
Tubewatch (32)Crime figures Are you frightened of crime? Do you never go on the tube because something nasty might happen? More importantly, do you have just cause to shudder, or are you worrying about nothing? A website provided by the British Transport Police aims to help answer the question. It's clever stuff. You click on a station on their tube map and all the crime figures for that station over the last 12 months are displayed. You can choose to see crimes on the station, on the train, or both. You can drill down to see how many of those crimes were violent, and even compare figures with those for the previous year. So, for example, at my local station of Bow Road there have been 13 crimes in the last year, up almost 50% on the previous year. But Chesham sounds far more dangerous. They've had 3.35 crimes per 100,000 passenger journeys in the last year, which is six times as many as at Bow Road. And crime is down this year at Oxford Circus station, unless you include crimes on trains in which case it's gone up. If nothing else, this site provides a huge amount of statistically insignificant data from which it's possible to draw a number of wildly misleading conclusions. Indeed, I'd say the most dangerous thing here is believing what the site tells you as gospel and worrying unnecessarily as a result. Thank goodness nobody's yet turned the stream of figures into a "Crime Danger - Official" map of the London Underground. Yet. Give it time.
Tube geek (32)The Chesham shuttle You can't get any further out on the tube than Chesham. Twenty-nine miles from Aldgate, on the edge of the Chilterns, in the wilds of Zone 9... here you'll find one of the three least used stations on the London Underground. At present Chesham is linked to the rest of the network via a special shuttle train, which rattles backwards and forwards to Chalfont & Latimer every half an hour. But not for much longer. The final shuttle will run on 11th December, after which Chesham will be served by direct services from central London. This change is in readiness for the introduction of new S Stock trains on the Metropolitan line, which'll be too long to fit in the bay platform at Chalfont and can't be chopped in half. So if you fancy a ride on an old four-car workhorse, you'd better get here quick.
The Chesham shuttle begins its journey at Chalfont & Latimer's platform 3 - less than three quarters of an hour from Baker Street but almost in a different world. Arrive on the right train and you'll only have a couple of minutes to wait (or arrive on the wrong train and hang around while the driver changes ends and reads the paper). Time enough to confirm that this is indeed a normal Metropolitan line train only shorter, and perhaps less well looked after than the rest. The windows are filthy, and one of the in-car maps still shows Chesham as being in Zone D. Rumble, clunk, and off you go. [photo][photo]
The single track branchline is completely separate from the mainline up to Amersham, but the two run parallel for a bit before veering apart. Settle back, it's going to be a long run. Chalfont to Chesham's the longest inter-station gap on the Underground, nearly four miles from one to t'other, and timetabled to take nine minutes. I was hoping for a more interesting view, not just warehouses and close-ups of woodland, until suddenly the trees opened up to reveal the Chess Valley spread out below. My visit was perfectly timed for autumn's most glorious weekend, the panorama enhanced by bursts of yellow, red and gold across gently undulating countryside. The outskirts of Chesham are up next, and go on for a while, but in an endearing small-town sort of a way. The train runs above the rooftops across the valley, past some of Chesham's industrialheritage, before cutting around the hillside towards the town centre. Eight minutes, I made it, but still record-breakingly long. [photo]
Cheshamstation used to have two platforms, but one's long been mothballed and the trackspace at the end replaced by a smallgarden. Award-winning garden circa 1993, no less, although this isn't the time of year to best appreciate it. The main platform's longer, which'll be useful when 8-car trains arrive in December [photo]. A wooden canopy gives the main station building a pleasant rural feel [photo], as does an old signal box perched across the way. Toilet facilities are provided, because the driver shuttling back and forth all day needs somewhere to go. There's even a poorly-used ticket office, which Boris had been planning to close at weekends (but now won't, not quite, after vigorous local opposition). But there's no next train indicator, because it's a good off-peak bet that the train now standing at platform 1 will be heading to Chalfont & Latimer and no further. For five weeks only. Once the through trains begin, London's suddenly going to get just that little bit closer.
Once you're here, do make sure you head out through the ticket gates to explore Cheshamproper. Chesham's a proper Buckinghamshire market town, spread out in residential fingers up several interlocking valleys. Traffic once plagued its high street so councillors knocked down the old town hall to make more room, then completely threw in the towel a few years later and pedestrianised the lot. This is the sort of high street that has a Starbucks and a saddlery, a Waterstones and an independent toyshop, and a hardware store and a whitewashed pub. It also has its own museum, a proper success story powered by local volunteers (although those who live elsewhere may find little inside its two rooms to justify the £2 entrance fee). Here I picked up a leaflet for the "Chesham Heritage Trail", which proved a most interesting way to explore the backstreets and highways of the town. I'd never have found all Chesham's interesting nooks and crannies without it. At one point I got so carried away that I continued up a country lane and reached the pool at the source of the RiverChess[photo] (which quite frankly I should have visited earlier in my life given that I grew up a few miles downstream). Tudor cottages and holy wells aren't the sort of thing you expect to find at the end of the Underground, but Chesham has the lot.
Tube quiz (32)Value for money It's a well-known fact that the worst value fare on the London Underground is the £4 cash fare from Leicester Square to Covent Garden (distance 260m). But answer me this. On the tube... a) what's the furthest journey an adult can make for a cash fare of £4? Best answer so far: Grange Hill (zone 4) to Hounslow Central (zone 4) = 22 miles b) what's the furthest journey an adult can make for the minimum Oyster fare of £1.30? Best answer so far: Richmond (zone 4) to Chesham (zone 9) via Rayners Lane = 21 miles Here's a tube map. You'll probably find this table of fares helpful. Or wildly confusing. And you can check your answers with the Tfl "Single Fare Finder".
Tube quiz (31)Mind the gap At several of the curvier stations around the tube network, a disembodied voice intones "Mind The Gap" every time a train arrives. Between us, can we compile a definitive list of London's Mind The Gap stations? I'll start you off... Bakerloo: Piccadilly Circus, Waterloo Circle: Aldgate (anticlockwise) Central: Bank District: Bow Road, Monument, Victoria, Westminster Metropolitan: Great Portland Street Piccadilly: Acton Town, Holborn, Hounslow East Northern: Embankment
Tubewatch (31)King's Very Cross It's the most complicated interchange on the tube network, where six different lines intersect. It's undergone a massive revamp, adding several new passageways and a couple of additional ticket halls. It's a huge improvement on the restrictive space that was here before. It's the new King's Cross St Pancras station. And it's been designed by sadists, seemingly intent on making passengers walk far further than they have to. Let me explain further, with the aid of this cutaway diagram and two different interchange journeys.
King's Cross Nightmare 1: mainline station → Victoria Line It used to be simple. You alighted from your train down from Peterborough, Edinburgh or wherever, and an entrance on the main concourse directed you down to the ticket hall at the top of the Victoria line escalators. Not any more. That entrance has been filled in and replaced by seating, and a new entrance opened up in a wall to the west. Come this way, it beckons, seductively. And then at the foot of the stairs there's this illuminated sign, installed by utter bastard sadists. Hammersmith & City, Circle and Metropolitan lines to the left, and Northern, Piccadilly and Victoria lines to the right. So you turn to the right, because you trust signs like this. Big mistake.
Start the clock... 0:00 A terribly long corridor stretches off in front of you, eventually leading to the the new Northern ticket hall 0:40. Double back through the barriers 1:00 and down the escalator, then turn left along a long and winding tubular passageway 1:30. After a while 2:30 you'll reach the turnoff for the Piccadilly line but you're not going that way, you're carrying on. At the end of the tunnel 3:45 turn right down the last set of steps and you'll finally be on the Victoria line platforms 4:00. Four minutes in total, and that's the fastest I can do it as an able-bodied pedestrian unencumbered by luggage. Most people take longer, and elderly passengers with suitcases take so long you almost want to hug them at the end and say well done. What you should have done, of course, is to have ignored that evil sign and turned left 0:00. You'd soon have reached the top of the old escalator 0:30, headed down to the passageway below 1:00 and been on the Victoria line platform soon afterwards 1:30. It takes far less time, and requires considerably less physical effort. But no, the bastards send the unwary to the right, on a journey almost three times longer than necessary.
King's Cross Nightmare 2: Victoria Line → Northern line Here we are at the end of platform 3, near the back of any arriving northbound Victoria line train. How do you get to the Northern line? Look left and there's a sign directing you out into the passageway, a sign that's been there for years. But look ahead, from here or from anywhere else along the platform and there's an evil arrow on the wall directing you to the right. The sadists definitely want you to go to the right, and presumably most unwary passengers do. Big mistake.
Start the clock... 0:00 From the rear of the train walk along the entire length of the platform and up the far stairs 1:00. Oh hell, it's that bloody long passageway again. Set off along it, passing the knackered looking pensioners and breathless tourists with rucksacks. Pass the Piccadilly line turning 2:15 and continue to the foot of the main escalators 3:15. Here turn left, down a further set of escalators 3:45 and along another winding passageway to the Northern line platforms 4:30. Nearly five minutes, on a good day, to change lines. Whereas when I followed that solitary sign out into the passageway 0:05, I found a set of direct stairs 0:25 through to the top of a short escalator 0:45, and strode down 1:00 to the Northern line platforms direct 1:10. The sadists want you to walk the long way, presumably to ease congestion, whereas the direct route takes only a quarter as long.
King's Cross and St Pancras are two very spread-out mainline stations, so walking between their extremities will always take time. The tube station is much more compact, focused linearly along the Euston Road... not that you'd guess now it's been transformed into an underground assault course. There is, I suspect, some method to this madness. King's Cross mainline station is undergoing a major revamp, due to be completed in 2013, and its entire centre of gravity is shifting. See this diagram pictured here, with St Pancras at the top and King's Cross below. Currently the main entrance to King's Cross station is from the Euston Road, past WHSmiths and the indicator board, but all that's soon going to be blocked off. Instead everyone will enter via a huge protractor-shaped atrium on the St Pancras side which'll have lots more space and (of course) lots more shops. This western concourse is already under construction, should you wander along and take a look, and it's located directly above the new Northern ticket hall. When most of us start entering King's Cross tube station via this angle, all the newly-dug subterranean passageways will make a lot more sense. Until then, sorry, the sadists are in control. Do try to resist their evil trickery.
Tube geek (31)This is the age of the train Some of the tube trains we travel on every day are brand new, whereas others are half a century old. Here's a chronological line-by-line list, most ancient first. • Metropolitan (A stock, 1960) The oldest trains on the network, slowly being replaced by air-conditioned S Stock(2010). • Victoria (1967 stock) Driverless trains from the 1960s, slowly being replaced by gleaming (but tetchy) 2009 stock. • Circle, Hammersmith & City, District (C stock, 1969 & 1977) The trains with the fewest seats, to be replaced (from 2011) by S Stock (with even fewer seats). • Bakerloo (1972 stock) Squat rumbly trains, with disturbingly brown seating throughout. • Piccadilly (1973 stock) Trains with Heathrow-sized luggage spaces, due to be replaced in 2014 (but on hold due to lack of funds). • District (D stock, 1980) Serve the entire line except for Edgware Road to Wimbledon. Recently refurbished, and due for replacement from 2013 (S stock again). • Central, Waterloo & City (1992 stock) Relatively modern beasts, replacing delightfully bog-standard trains from 1962. • Northern (1995 stock) Replacements for trains from 1959 and 1972 (and now too long to fit in certain platforms). • Jubilee (1996 stock) Whining, wheezing millennial trains.
Time once again for diamond geezer to go totally tubular with another week devoted to the London Underground. Prepare for five days of quizzes, quirks, commentary and obscure statistics. Seven years ago I looked at the busiest stations and journeys where it was quicker to walk. Six years ago I investigated tube line colours and the easiest interchanges. Five years ago I discussed overcrowding and precisely where the underground is underground. Four years ago I wrote about accessibility and why people never move down the platform. Three years ago I examined the agonies of Bank/Monument and taking your bike on the tube. Two years ago I spent the entire week wondering why 'next train' indicators are installed by cretins. And last year I visited the tube's least used station and wondered where all the litter bins went. I hope there's still something left to write about this year. Mind the doors.
Tubewatch (35) Real-time information
Tube quiz (35) All change
Tube geek (34) The Olympia shuttle
Imagine you're at Kensington Olympia and the shuttle's just arrived into the platform. Is it quicker to walk to High Street Kensington, or should you climb aboard and wait? Remember, walking takes the direct route, whereas the train travels in a great big wasteful semicircle [map]. To find out, let's climb aboard and wait. But the shuttle only runs every 20 minutes, so if it's not five past, twenty-five past or quarter to, you're going nowhere. Ho hum. Aha, doors closing, we're off.
Here's a particularly atrocious example from Walthamstow Central. Sorry the photo's not in great focus, but you get the idea. We're at the end of the line, at the bottom of the main escalators, with a choice of two platforms. Is the first train to London leaving from the platform to the left or the platform to the right? It's important to know, otherwise you could be sitting on the wrong one while the other train departs. In the past, a big black lightbox sufficed. It lit up with an arrow to tell passengers whether to head left or right. Simple. Effective. Dead. The cretins have been along and switched it off, then installed one of their new square display units instead. It tells you where the next train on platform 1 is going (unsurprisingly, Brixton). It tells you where the next train on platform 2 is going (unsurprisingly, Brixton again). But it doesn't say when. The only useful information is the line at the bottom which reads either "Next train Platform 1" or "Next train Platform 2". Squint carefully, that tiny digit is your only clue. When you have the number you then need to work out which platform is which. A separate enamelled sign below shows platform 1 to the right and platform 2 to the left - which is the opposite way round to what you might expect. Then run for your train, because it might be leaving.
It may be only a mile to Mill Hill East, but there's a significant natural barrier in the way. That'll be the Dollis Brook, a minor stream by London standards although active enough to have carved out a fairly deep valley over the years. Railways can't go down and up, so a lengthy viaduct has been constructed which bestrides the gap across tall brick arches [photo with train]. About halfway along is the point where London's tube tracks are at their highest above the ground - it's a full 60 feet down to the brook below. The view from the train is of rooftops and a golf course, although the Dollis Brook Viaduct is far more impressive from underneath. Lofty Victorian brickwork loops high overhead, and a series of thin arched gaps recede geometrically into the distance on both sides. You'll want a camera with you, although it's not easy to capture the best effect in 4:3 ratio [photo]. And mind out for the steady stream of water dripping from a pipe way above your head - it's more dank and muddy down here beside the river than you might expect. Ian can tell you more.
Back on the train, it's not far from here into Mill Hill East station. Three minutes tops to complete the entire journey, sidling in beside Waitrose and crawling to a halt beside the long curving platform [photo]. Now you'll see why getting in nearer the back was a good idea - it enables faster exit down the staircase and out to the street. There's no ticket barrier, and the ticket office is probably closed (not yet for good), giving the place more the feel of a deep suburban National Rail station.
The Chesham shuttle begins its journey at Chalfont & Latimer's platform 3 - less than three quarters of an hour from Baker Street but almost in a different world. Arrive on the right train and you'll only have a couple of minutes to wait (or arrive on the wrong train and hang around while the driver changes ends and reads the paper). Time enough to confirm that this is indeed a normal Metropolitan line train only shorter, and perhaps less well looked after than the rest. The windows are filthy, and one of the in-car maps still shows Chesham as being in Zone D. Rumble, clunk, and off you go. [photo] [photo]
Chesham station used to have two platforms, but one's long been mothballed and the trackspace at the end replaced by a small garden. Award-winning garden circa 1993, no less, although this isn't the time of year to best appreciate it. The main platform's longer, which'll be useful when 8-car trains arrive in December [photo]. A wooden canopy gives the main station building a pleasant rural feel [photo], as does an old signal box perched across the way. Toilet facilities are provided, because the driver shuttling back and forth all day needs somewhere to go. There's even a poorly-used ticket office, which Boris had been planning to close at weekends (but now won't, not quite, after vigorous local opposition). But there's no next train indicator, because it's a good off-peak bet that the train now standing at platform 1 will be heading to Chalfont & Latimer and no further. For five weeks only. Once the through trains begin, London's suddenly going to get just that little bit closer.
Once you're here, do make sure you head out through the ticket gates to explore Chesham proper. Chesham's a proper Buckinghamshire market town, spread out in residential fingers up several interlocking valleys. Traffic once plagued its high street so councillors knocked down the old town hall to make more room, then completely threw in the towel a few years later and pedestrianised the lot. This is the sort of high street that has a Starbucks and a saddlery, a Waterstones and an independent toyshop, and a hardware store and a whitewashed pub. It also has its own museum, a proper success story powered by local volunteers (although those who live elsewhere may find little inside its two rooms to justify the £2 entrance fee). Here I picked up a leaflet for the "Chesham Heritage Trail", which proved a most interesting way to explore the backstreets and highways of the town. I'd never have found all Chesham's interesting nooks and crannies without it. At one point I got so carried away that I continued up a country lane and reached the pool at the source of the River Chess [photo] (which quite frankly I should have visited earlier in my life given that I grew up a few miles downstream). Tudor cottages and holy wells aren't the sort of thing you expect to find at the end of the Underground, but Chesham has the lot.
It used to be simple. You alighted from your train down from Peterborough, Edinburgh or wherever, and an entrance on the main concourse directed you down to the ticket hall at the top of the Victoria line escalators. Not any more. That entrance has been filled in and replaced by seating, and a new entrance opened up in a wall to the west. Come this way, it beckons, seductively. And then at the foot of the stairs there's this illuminated sign, installed by utter bastard sadists. Hammersmith & City, Circle and Metropolitan lines to the left, and Northern, Piccadilly and Victoria lines to the right. So you turn to the right, because you trust signs like this. Big mistake.
Here we are at the end of platform 3, near the back of any arriving northbound Victoria line train. How do you get to the Northern line? Look left and there's a sign directing you out into the passageway, a sign that's been there for years. But look ahead, from here or from anywhere else along the platform and there's an evil arrow on the wall directing you to the right. The sadists definitely want you to go to the right, and presumably most unwary passengers do. Big mistake.
King's Cross and St Pancras are two very spread-out mainline stations, so walking between their extremities will always take time. The tube station is much more compact, focused linearly along the Euston Road... not that you'd guess now it's been transformed into an underground assault course. There is, I suspect, some method to this madness. King's Cross mainline station is undergoing a major revamp, due to be completed in 2013, and its entire centre of gravity is shifting. See this diagram pictured here, with St Pancras at the top and King's Cross below. Currently the main entrance to King's Cross station is from the Euston Road, past WHSmiths and the indicator board, but all that's soon going to be blocked off. Instead everyone will enter via a huge protractor-shaped atrium on the St Pancras side which'll have lots more space and (of course) lots more shops. This western concourse is already under construction, should you wander along and take a look, and it's located directly above the new Northern ticket hall. When most of us start entering King's Cross tube station via this angle, all the newly-dug subterranean passageways will make a lot more sense. Until then, sorry, the sadists are in control. Do try to resist their evil trickery.
Time once again for diamond geezer to go totally tubular with another week devoted to the London Underground. Prepare for five days of quizzes, quirks, commentary and obscure statistics. Seven years ago I looked at the busiest stations and journeys where it was quicker to walk. Six years ago I investigated tube line colours and the easiest interchanges. Five years ago I discussed overcrowding and precisely where the underground is underground. Four years ago I wrote about accessibility and why people never move down the platform. Three years ago I examined the agonies of Bank/Monument and taking your bike on the tube. Two years ago I spent the entire week wondering why 'next train' indicators are installed by cretins. And last year I visited the tube's least used station and wondered where all the litter bins went. I hope there's still something left to write about this year. Mind the doors.
