Today's maths comes to you courtesy of Wembley Master Chef, 44 Harrow Rd, HA9 6PG.
This Pizza Deal poster appears in the window.
That's good value, isn't it?
Well let's check...
First let's scale that down to the cost of one pizza, not two.
Diameter
Price
7 inch
£3.75
9 inch
£4.95
12 inch
£6.95
15 inch
£8.45
We can try to find the best value pizza by calculating price per inch.
Diameter
Price
p per inch
7 inch
£3.75
54p
9 inch
£4.95
55p
12 inch
£6.95
58p
15 inch
£8.45
56p
This suggests the 7 inch pizza is the best value at 54p per inch.
But they're all remarkably close, each just over 50p per inch.
It almost looks like this is how they determined the prices.
But pizzas aren't linear, it's the area that increases.
Please ignore everything in the previous table, it's mathematical rubbish.
We could try to estimate the area by counting the number of pepperoni slices on each pizza.
Diameter
Price
no of slices
p per slice
7 inch
£3.75
12
31p
9 inch
£4.95
26
19p
12 inch
£6.95
32
22p
15 inch
£8.45
35
24p
This suggests the 9 inch pizza is the best value at 19p per slice of pepperoni.
The 15 inch pizza might look more packed but its slices are 22p each.
However this is also mathematical rubbish because you can't just go by photos.
In particular the 12 inch and 15 inch pizzas are shown pretty much the same size, and they're not.
My suspicion is that these pizza images aren't real, merely AI conjuring.
So we can't use fictional pepperoni slices to calculate best value either.
What we should be doing is calculating the area of each pizza in square inches.
It's good old A=πr².
Diameter
Price
Area
p per sq in
7 inch
£3.75
38 sq in
10p
9 inch
£4.95
64 sq in
8p
12 inch
£6.95
113 sq in
6p
15 inch
£8.45
177 sq in
5p
That's more like it.
The 7 inch pizza is the worst value at 10p per square inch.
And the 15 inch pizza is the best value at 5p per square inch.
This is because a 15 inch pizza is a lot bigger than it sounds.
Diameter
Area
compared to 7 inch
7 inch
38 sq in
×1
9 inch
64 sq in
×1.7
12 inch
113 sq in
×3
15 inch
177 sq in
×4.7
A 15 inch pizza is almost 5 times the size of a 7 inch.
But at Wembley Master Chef the price is only roughly double.
So if you want best value cheesy pepperoni stodge, go large.
I also checked the cost of buying these pizzas online. Ouch.
Diameter
Shop deal
Online order
7 inch
£3.75
unavailable
9 inch
£4.95
£8.90
12 inch
£6.95
£11.90
15 inch
£8.45
£14.90
The last column is even if you order online and collect it yourself.
In each case you're paying 75% extra for the privilege of ordering online.
So at the end of all that, two conclusions.
1) Larger pizzas are much better value.
2) Don't order online.
#busnatter
The Mayor is introducing a Weekend Hopper fare in the summer.
It means you'll only pay one fare to ride buses and trams all day.
But it's only for six weekends (25 July - 31 August)
But also Bank Holiday Monday, so better than that
But that still only makes 13 days of actual savings
But what a great PR stunt, making bus travel more affordable
But bus fares are already capped (at three fares daily)
But that's £1.75 × 3= £5.25 so not necessarily cheap
But basically all this does is save £3.50 (i.e. a coffee)
But if you used it every weekend you could save £45
But nobody actually makes unlimited bus journeys every day
But it is green and skewed towards less affluent Londoners
But it's hardly "a whopper of a deal", it's peanuts
But children already travel free on buses anyway
But don't gripe, any saving can only be a good thing
But what a waste of scarce public funds this is
But they reckon it'll only cost the Mayor £20m
But why are they announcing this now, it's ten weeks away!
But it might help some families make school holiday plans
But seriously, why are they over-promoting it so early?
But Sadiq has only promised to freeze bus fares until July
But it would be cynical to suggest this is a mere distraction
But maybe it's good news now ahead of bad news later
But it might encourage a few people to travel a bit more
But wow what a lot of publicity this tiny thing has got
But try not to get the top seat behind the frog's eye
On Sunday I finally visited Cocksure Lane in North Cray.
I'd been intrigued by it on a map for years and now finally I was here.
A country lane off a country lane in a seriously peripheral part of London.
On Saturday I snapped this shot while walking down Grand Avenue in Tokyngton.
Sometimes the best views are in the most unlikely places.
And yesterday I had 25 minutes to wait for an Overground train.
So rather than wait on the platform I went for an explore.
And that's how I found myself in Keats Close in Ponders End.
Rather fewer delights there, but another street in the capital ticked off.
I have, over the last 25 years, been to a heck of a lot of London.
And I wondered, how many people have been to more of London than me?
To be clear that's the whole of Greater London, not just zones 1 and 2 in the middle. A lot of people have done Kensington, Islington and Southwark but rather fewer have put in the legwork in Ruislip, Hainault and Purley. London isn't merely a Square Mile, it has an area of 607 square miles and a lot of people have never seen the half of it.
I'm sure loads of people have been to more pubs than me. When it comes to football stadiums, shops and restaurants I bet I'm soundly beaten. But when it comes to average residential streets, footpaths and all - the very meat of suburbia - I'm sure I've trodden more pavements than most.
I've been to Harrows Meade in Edgware, Rogers Road in Dagenham, Doris Avenue in Barnehurst, Gibbons Road in Neasden and Worlds End Lane in Chelsfield. I've walked the Blackberry Path in Cricklewood, Pig Farm Alley in Sutton and Hutchinsons Bank in New Addington. I have yet to tackle Cow Path in Elmstead or Emperor's Gate in South Kensington but, like Cocksure Lane, they could always be on a future list.
When I say 'been to' I'm happy to include all forms of transport, even trains if they're above ground and you've bothered to look out of the window. Most car owners will only have seen the main roads unless they drive for a living. Yes buses are better at nipping down the lesser streets, and yes cycling can down lead you down some proper backways. But if you haven't explored widely on foot you won't have sunk your teeth into a neighbourhood properly, and I have done a heck of a lot of exploring on foot.
It helps that I've been to every station in London and ridden every bus route too. I haven't ridden the full extent of every bus route because that would be purgatory but enough to know what the backstreets of Greenford look like, also Orpington and Hounslow. I've also been to every single 1km grid square in London - it was my post-lockdownproject - and I do genuinely think nobody else has ever done that.
You may assume I've been everywhere but don't overestimate my reputation purely from what I've written. There are still tens of thousands of streets I've never walked down, thousands of footpaths I've never followed and dozens of parks I've not yet stumbled into. There are apocryphal tales of people walking every street in London but I don't believe anybody ever has, except within some much smaller confined locality.
As an example, here's a map of where I've been in Poverest. If you're already thinking "where's Poverest?" then QED, I have been to more of it than you.
I've explored Robin Hood Green, climbed Englefield Rise and ridden the bus round Avalon Road. I've looked in on Beril Cafe, Poverest allotments and Fordcroft Romano-British Bathhouse. As you can see there are a lot of streets I've never been to, indeed a majority, so if you live round here you'll have beaten my total. But I bet I beat 99% of Londoners with my Poverest tally, and there are hundreds of other London neighbourhoods to take into account too.
I am arguably wasting my life by exploring London like this. I could have been having a nice day out yesterday rather than accidently stumbling upon Keats Close, or even stayed in and watched Netflix rather than giving in to pointless wanderlust.
So I wondered, have any of you have been to more of London than I have?
Also how many people overall have been to more of London than me?
Also who in the long history of our capital city has seen the most of Greater London?
And could that person possibly be me?
Update: No, it's not me, A runner called James Salmon is systematically visiting every street in London and recording his route via an app called CityStrides. He started in April 2021 and in the last five years has run along 29,023 of the 39,451 streets listed in London. He spent Sunday running 12 miles round Wanstead. You can view his map here and it is astonishing! However because he's working sequentially he's barely touched Newham, Barking & Dagenham, Havering, Bexley or Bromley yet, indeed he's done none of Poverest whatsoever. Arguably I have the better spread, for now, but by 2028 James's achievement should be maximal and unbeatable.
My next alphabetical destination proved a conundrum because no London suburb starts with J. The Ordnance Survey maintains a list of "populated places", 681 of which are in the capital, but that alas jumps straight from Islington to Kenley. Only four of the placenames even include the letter J, these being Clapham Junction, St James's, St John's and St John's Wood, none of which count as little-known locations. So I've had to plump for Joyden's Wood instead which is in Kent, or at least the vast majority of it is.
Joyden's Wood is a vast tract of ancient woodland partially devoured by suburbia. You'll find it between Old Bexley and Swanley, safely tucked between the A2 and the A20. The first building work hereabouts was the Fæsten Dic, a mile-long defensive earthwork believed to have been built by Kentish Saxons in the 5th century. The earliest medieval settlement was a manor house called Baldwyns, this sold off in 1894 to create a large mental asylum, then in 1924 a wedge of woodland was appropriated to create the Baldwyns Parkestate. Considerably more land was given over to housing after the war, this where you'll now find a library, two primary schools, three dozen streets and a chip shop. This is the suburb now generally known as Joyden's Wood, almost all of which is on the Kent side of a district boundary that once ran almost unnoticed through the woods.
I have instead set myself the task of documenting the London side of the divide which alas includes only a quarter of the wood, all on the unpopulated side, plus six cul-de-sacs, a couple of country lanes and a lot of places where horses live.
The wood Joyden's Wood is a fabulous place to explore, especially at present when its many weaving paths aren't the usual mudbath. Find one of the handful of entrances and you can lose yourself in a forested wilderness, ideally following the broad tracks or minor sidepaths rather than the outer loop of churned-up bridleway. Expect to meet dogwalkers doing a circuit, although rather fewer on the London flank because there's nowhere to park, or if you're lucky absolutely nobody at all. The woods didn't always look like this, the Forestry Commission got somewhat over-zealous planting pine trees in the 1950s, but the Woodland Trust have done a good job of thinning them out again.
I made my way from the perimeter to the path that most closely tracks the Greater London boundary. To my right a break in the wire fence led off to a steepish climb beneath a thickening canopy, the wood's character very much a consequence of its endlessly undulating contours. Birdsong accompanied me along the way, half of it from Kent. Birch trees occasionally (and unnervingly) creaked in the wind. Just off the main track I found a deep sandy dell, crossed a dried-up a stream on a bridge of logs and stumbled upon the last of the season's unshrivelled bluebells. I did not find the wooden fighter plane, the boardwalk or the Saxon earthwork because they're on the wrong side of the line (as previously enjoyed).
Another wood
Gattons Plantation is an adjacent woody oblong, also with a Joyden's Wood sign on the gate but entirely separate. You get here along Parsonage Lane, a proper winding lane liberally dollopped with manure. They totally love horses out here, with any land that isn't woody having been taken over by paddocks, stables and riding schools, also irregular detached houses inhabited by folk who enjoy a ride. As London goes, this edge of rural Bexley is beyond atypical. For the plantation turn right into Cocksure Lane and look for the swing gate into 35 acres of dense oak cover and undergrowth, passing a ripped-up poster on Coppicing before you start your circuit. I'd tell you more but this is probably more North Cray than Joyden's Wood and I might need that for N.
More stables Stable Lane is well named because Mount Mascal Stables is tucked away down the far end. Again it's notionally in North Cray but because Joyden's Wood is immediately adjacent I'm totally including it. MMS is massive, a warren of paddocks, barns and outbuildings with copious car parking, plus the underlying smell of soiled hay. A public footpath passes through so I got to see small children taking trotting lessons while proud parents watched on, also dressage arenas with letters round the outer rails, also smiling passengers arriving for a 90 minute hack or a Standard Pony Party. This is how the active equestrians of DA5 spend their weekends.
Further up the lane are occasional sprawling cottages, a half-occupied business estate and a permanently closed nursery (perennials, not toddlers). I passed a sign saying 'New Laid Chicken Eggs £2.00 box of 6', just before the man whose chickens they were emerged and took his half-dozen back indoors. The only modern intrusion is the entrance to an electricity substation, a chicane of barriers and warning-strewn fencing leading to a huge fizzy grid cunningly concealed in a grassy dip. Hurst 275Kv Substation is one of the stopping-off points for the London PowerTunnels 2 project, a 20 mile high-voltage connection between Wimbledon and Crayford which went live hereabouts last summer. I should have guessed it was important from the glare the security guard gave me when I took a photo of his portakabin.
The other lane
Tile Kiln Lane is proper ancient, the original link from Bexley to Baldwyns and still the same width too. It climbs and curls between stone walls, then up past yet more horses and the entrance to a single private cottage. Vehicles are barred from the central stretch, a part-grooved lane encroached by twiggy trees where you could imagine it's still the 18th century. Alongside is a meadow called Coldblow Field because this smidgeon of outer Bexley generally goes by the Coldblow name, but I shall be claiming the next suburbanised quarter mile as proper Joyden's Wood because its houses were built when all this was incontrovertibly Kent.
Residents of this mix of bungalows, townhouses and squished detacheds get to vote for London's Mayor but pay for it by having a ULEZ camera perched at the entrance to their mini-enclave. In the grounds of St Barnabas Church I found a mysterious knobbly boundary marker rusting away in one corner, also a coal tax post so peripheral it occupies a sawn-out slot in somebody's garden fence. The last cottage before Kent is the oldest by far, a hexagonal oddity with a thatched roof which was formerly the lodge for the big manor beyond. The bus stop outside has a B12 tile saying 'AM only' because it's part of a unique TfL loop that operates clockwise before noon and anti-clockwise after. Pictured is the last bus before the switcheroo (although it's actually timetabled for twelve minutes past twelve).
The shops
The Kent side of Joyden's Wood has most of the shops but the Bexley slice does merit one short parade, so close to border that there's a coal tax post outside the Chinese restaurant. The salon nextdoor recently switched from curlers to skin fades while the dry cleaners at the far end sold up in 2019 and is now a kebabbery. Astonishingly one shop still specialises in TV sales and satellite repairs, admittedly now doubled up with a strong sideline in vapes. But the finest shopfront here must be that of Modern Screws, still ready to sell you a pack of steel pop rivets or a Grub Screw Micro Assortment, even if its '60s typeface immediately contradicts the 'Modern' half of its name. There is much of joy in Joyden's Wood, even on the flank that's barely Joyden's Wood at all.
The Dangleway no longer has a sponsor.
You'd be forgiven for not noticing.
For ten years the cablecar was sponsored by a Middle Eastern airline and then, in a baffling marketing switcheroo, by a cloud-based software solution for enterprise resource planning. If a single company executive ever took their offspring for a ride and was moved to switch their AI data platform to IFS Cloud I'd be amazed.
IFS Cloud had a five year sponsorship deal so could have continued until October 2027 but instead decided to break early. According to Ian Visits they pulled the plug on 18th March, since when the Dangleway's name has officially been 'London Cable Car', all branding deleted.
You can check this by going to the TfL website.
The statuspage used to show 'IFS Cloud Cable Car status' but now shows 'London Cable Car status'.
The cablecar homepage used to be full of IFS Cloud references but now there are none.
IFS Cloud would have appeared three times in that last sentence and now it's zero.
As far as I can tell, the big switcheroo occurred around 16thApril.
And yet the old name lingers on.
I nipped down to the north terminal which should by now be called Royal Docks but instead has the old name everywhere.
The big letters on the terminal building still say IFS CLOUD ROYAL DOCKS, even though it would be quite easy to take the first eight letters down.
The terminal still has a massive purple IFS Cloud CABLE CAR lozenge on the exterior.
All the dangleway cabins are still wrapped in IFS Cloud branding.
All the fare posters are still IFS Cloud branded.
The lifts are still covered with purple cloud stickers and the IFS logo.
Royal Victoria DLR station is still absolutely plastered with IFS Cloud posters.
Even the fake gondola you're supposed to take photos in still has the @IFSLondonCableCar hashtag.
It does say Welcome to the Cable Car as you walk in, but even that's not the right name.
I wondered whose fault this was.
Shouldn't the sponsor pay to remove their branding official period is over?
Well actually no, I checked the 2022 contract and these signs aren't their responsibility.
Instead it says "TfL/DLR to arrange at its own cost" for every aspect of the on-site branding.
It seems TfL are just being lazy, or else they don't particularly care.
The old names also still appear on the tube map.
It's still IFS Cloud Cable Car on the paper tube map because that's not due an update until the summer.
Ditto all the posters on platforms - IFS Cloud continue to get free advertising there.
Oddly the online maps haven't been updated either, despite the fact this would be easy.
But it is London Cable Car on all the signage on trains and at stations, comprehensively so. This has been the case since April 2022 when TfL decided it would be cheaper long-term to make every enamel sign and line diagram sponsor-free. That way they don't have to go round and put stickers on everything every time a sponsor departs, a decision which has just been proven to be very sensible.
All I can say is well done to IFS Cloud because they stopped paying for all this advertising two months ago but TfL are still screaming their name across the entire physical Dangleway and its two terminals. For an organisation obsessed by brands it's a peculiar misstep.
And don't expect another sponsor because it seems TfL are planning on taking a fresh approach, focusing more on temporary activations and seasonal chutzpah.
Here's what legendary Dangleway topdog Danny Price has to say.
If you thought recent sponsorship blasts from Guinness and Warburtons on the tube were gauche and ill-judged, brands will now have the option of smothering the Dangleway in collateral instead, where thankfully most Londoners are unlikely to see it.
Also TfL recently issued a contract opportunity seeking partners to work with them on 'London Cable Car Customer Enhancements'.
There you go, confirmation that TfL have given up on the Dangleway as a method of useful public transport and are going all out on pumping tourists and sightseers for cash.
Imagine approaching your gondola ride through a swirling light tunnel backed by a pumping disco beat while a brand of orange juice exhorts you to share a selfie with their chosen campaign hashtag. It'll likely be more ghastly than that, but it'll be a while before we have clarity on quite what Boris's aerial white elephant is going to evolve into. Do come back and join me in ripping the piss whenever this new immersive reality emerges.
the big changes Hackney: was Lab 52 Con 5, now Grn 42 Lab 9 (Labour since 2002) Havering: was Con 23 Ind 20, now Ref 39 Ind 14 (Reform's first London council) Lewisham: was Lab 54 (clean sweep), now Grn 40, Lab 14 (Labour since 2010) Waltham Forest: was Lab 47 Con 13, now Grn 31, Lab 15 Con 14 (Labour since 2010) Westminster: was Lab 31 Con 23, now Con 32 Lab 22 (also Conservative 1964-2022)
Three of the gains are by the Greens, one by the Conservatives and one by Reform.
Six different parties are in control across London.
The only 'clean sweep' council is Richmond which is 100% Lib Dem.
Havering is the only borough where the number of Reform councillors reached double figures. Four years ago Labour won 21 councils outright, this year only nine.
slipping into No Overall Control Barnet: Con 31, Lab 31, Grn 1 (Green councillor holds balance of power) Brent: Lab 26, Lib 11, Con 11, Grn 9 (Labour three short) Croydon: Lab 30, Con 28, Grn 8, Lib 2, Ref 2 (Conservative Mayor in charge) Enfield: Con 31, Lab 27, Grn 5 (Conservatives 1 short) Haringey: Grn 28, Lab 20, Lib 8, Ind 1 (Greens 1 short) Lambeth: Grn 29, Lab 26, Lib 8 (Greens 3 short) Newham: Lab 26, Ind 24, Grn 16 (Labour Mayor in charge) Southwark: Lab 29, Grn 22, Lib 12 (Labour since 2010) Wandsworth: Con 29, Lab 28, Ind 1 (former Conservative councillor holds balance of power)
Four years ago only Croydon was No Overall Control. This year there are nine NOC boroughs.
Croydon was very close: Con 31%, Lab 30%, Grn 17%, Ref 13% Hackney's gone very Green: Grn 47%, Lab 35% Lewisham went Green too: Grn 40%, Lab 35% Newham stayed red: Lab 30%, Ind 24%, Grn 23% Tower Hamlets re-elected Lutfur: Asp 39%, Lab 21.1%, Grn 20.9%
In Tower Hamlets it would have taken the combined vote of Labour and the Greens to oust Lutfur Rahman, so he's safely back for his fourth term.
The last government ended Supplementary Votes in Mayoral elections.
This year it's First Past The Post, so you get what you get. (but it'll be Supplementary Vote again next time because the law changed last week)
The Conservatives won the Croydon Mayoralty by just 1100 votes.
In 2022 second preferences narrowed the Con/Lab gap in Croydon by 1600 votes.
So it's entirely possible that Labour would have won this year under the old system.
Meanwhile near London
Lib: West Surrey, East Surrey, Watford
Ref: Thurrock
Con: Broxbourne, Harlow
Meanwhile in Birmingham
Ref 22, Grn 19, Lab 17, Con 16, Ind 13, Lib 12, tbc 2
which is an uncoalitionable six-way mess
8pm update
Tower Hamlets council seats have finally been counted.
Lutfur's party Aspire has taken the lion's share of seats, 33 out of 45.
Labour and the Greens each took 5 seats on a near-identical share of the vote.
All the Green seats are in Bow, indeed all Bow's councillors are Green.
The Stratford & Bow constituency spans two boroughs.
It currently has a Labour MP.
However as of today it only has one Labour councillor.
16 of the constituency's 22 councillors are Green.
So I guess that makes us a top Green target in 2029!
In 1879 all London was gripped by the gruesome murder of a widow in this Richmond cottage. The subsequent trial heard how Julia Martha Thomas had been choked to death by her maidservant, the body then dismembered, boiled and thrown headless into the Thames. The torso washed up downstream a few days later and Kate Webster was duly condemned to hang at Wandsworth Prison. But the remains were never formally identified as Julia's, not until 2010 when the octogenarian who owned the house nextdoor started work on an extension and a skull was unexpectedly unearthed. Today of all days, it's quite a tale.
Julia Martha Thomas was a former schoolteacher in her mid-50s who lived alone at 2 Mayfield Cottages in Park Road, Richmond. She'd had several maids, not many of whom had found her easy to work for, and in January 1879 made a fresh appointment on the recommendation of a friend. Alas people couldn't check references in those days and there was plenty about Kate Webster to be concerned about. She'd grown up in County Wexford and by the age of 15 had already been imprisoned for larceny. At 18 she moved to Liverpool and was imprisoned for larceny there, this time a four year sentence. She then moved to Hammersmith (another 18 months) and Teddington (another twelve months), and by the time of her Richmond appointment had already spent a fifth of her life in penal servitude. If only Julia had known.
The two women didn't get on, Julia finding Kate too lax and Kate finding Julia too strict. After only five weeks Kate was given warning to leave but wangled a few extra days, only to head to the alehouse on the last afternoon rather than accompanying Julia to church. A furious argument ensued during which Julia was pushed down the stairs, and things went rapidly downhill from there.
Mrs. Thomas came in and went upstairs. I went up after her, and we had an argument, which ripened into a quarrel, and in the height of my anger and rage I threw her from the top of the stairs to the ground floor. She had a heavy fall, and I became agitated at what had occurred, lost all control of myself, and, to prevent her screaming and getting me into trouble, I caught her by the throat, and in the struggle she was choked, and I threw her on the floor.
I determined to do away with the body as best I could. I chopped the head from the body with the assistance of a razor which I used to cut through the flesh afterwards. I also used the meat saw and the carving knife to cut the body up with. I prepared the copper with water to boil the body to prevent identity; and as soon as I had succeeded in cutting it up I placed it in the copper and boiled it. I opened the stomach with the carving knife, and burned up as much of the parts as I could.
Kate stashed most of the body parts in a wooden chest and a Gladstone bag, but one foot wouldn't fit so she chucked it in a rubbish heap in Twickenham, and the skull she buried behind the pub at the top of the road. The chest proved too heavy to move so she asked a friend's son to help her drag it to the station, and as they were crossing Richmond Bridge contrived to push it into the water. Such were her silver-tongued skills that none of this aroused any suspicions. Unfortunately for Kate the chest washed up at Barnes Bridge the following morning where it was spotted by a coal porter and taken to the police. But at this stage nobody could identify the body, not even when the spare foot was discovered, so the unidentified remains were laid to rest in Barnes Cemetery, case closed.
Kate might have got away with her crime had she not taken to dressing up as Mrs Thomas while selling off the contents of the house. She returned to her former stomping ground in Hammersmith and met up with the publican of The Rising Sun public house who agreed to take away all the furniture for the sum of £68. But when he turned up in Richmond with his cart and asked to meet with 'Mrs Thomas' - yes that's her - the neighbours spotted the deception. Kate realised the game was up, fleeing post haste back to Ireland aboard a coal steamer.
I did deviate to Hammersmith to take a look at The Rising Sun, homing in on 20 Cardross Street, but the pub closed in the 1960s and has been converted to a private home. Also the new owners had got the builders in, gutting the interior to add a rear extension and loft conversion, continuing my bad luck this week of visiting historic buildings temporarily under wraps. So, back to Richmond.
When police turned up at Mayfield Cottages they discovered several blood stains, burnt finger-bones in the hearth and dubious fatty deposits behind the copper. Kate had also been careless enough to leave behind a letter giving her home address in Ireland, and although she was actually hiding out at her uncle's farm the Irish police consulted her criminal record and caught her there anyway. Kate was brought back to England for a first hearing at Richmond Magistrates Court and then, as public interest in the case grew exponentially, a full trial at the Old Bailey.
The case opened on 2nd July 1879 with Kate denying everything, instead attempting to shift blame to the Hammersmith publican and her friends who'd helped carry the chest. But several witnesses came forward to help piece together the real story, with some even claiming Webster had sold them pots of lard and dripping rendered from boiled human fat. The case lasted six days, accompanied by much hysterical reporting in the press, with the jury taking just an hour and a quarter to find her guilty. Kate attempted to dodge the death penalty by claiming she was pregnant, the judge forced to employ a team of twelve matrons to confirm she wasn't. Only on the night before her execution did she finally confess all, and at 9am the next morning Wandsworth's hangman took her life.
The contents of 2 Mayfield Cottages were duly auctioned, with the Hammersmith publican successful in gaining most of the furniture including the knife with which Mrs Thomas had been dismembered. Daytrippers flocked to the backstreets of Richmond Hill just to see the cursed house, and nobody would live in it until almost twenty years had passed. Madame Tussauds swiftly created a wax effigy and placed it in their Chamber of Horrors, thus well into the 20th century Kate Webster still appeared alongside Dr Crippen, Burke and Hare. This is what happens when you brutally dismember your employer and are utterly useless at covering your tracks.
Park Road eventually returned to normal, indeed became a desirable address. These days Mayfield Cottages make a smart pair bedecked with shrubbery and wisteria, while nextdoor is a gorgeous blue-painted house whose garden path wends between several lush specimens. But Julia's skull remained undiscovered for well over a century, that is until the local pub - The HoleIn The Wall - went up for sale. The owner of the blue house was worried it might become flats so bought it for himself and transformed it into a library. During the renovation work in 2010 a "dark circular object" was uncovered which turned out to be a woman's skull. Not only was it fractured but the bone also had low collagen levels, as would be expected after boiling. No DNA confirmation was possible as Thomas had no known offspring but the coroner concluded yes this was indeed the last piece of the mystery.
The blue house has been owned by the same man for over 70 years, bought in 1952 when he was a humble trainee BBC producer. You know him well, he's Sir David Attenborough and today is the widely-celebrated occasion of his 100th birthday. He says he'd never live anywhereelse thanks to the unbeatable combination of a temperate climate, a cultured city and the glories of Richmond Park barely a five minute walk away. And here he's returned after all the great projects of his lifetime, from commissioning The Old Grey Whistle Test to making Life On Earth, back to the cosy home sandwiched between a notorious crime scene and the burial place of a fractured skull. Not just a great naturalist and TV executive but the unlikely solver of a murder mystery even older than he is.
This week I also spent 10 minutes at Morden South station.
And I have more questions.
Why is nobody else here?
That's because Morden South is the fifth least-used station in London with just 76,000 passengers a year, or 200 a day. Hence you walk in and the place is usually deserted, not even a member of staff to keep an eye on things, just an elevated island platform and some butterflies.
Where is everyone?
They're ten minutes up the road at Morden tube station which has 8 million passengers a year. That's because it has trains every two or three minutes to central London whereas Morden South has unreliable dawdly trains that take 40 minutes to get to Blackfriars and only run every half hour. Of course you'd go to Morden instead.
What went wrong?
In the 1920s two railway companies competed to bring services to this part of London and, following Parliamentary disapproval, had to agree to share the spoils. The City & Southern, which later became the Northern line, was only allowed as far as Morden. Meanwhile the Southern Railway got to build its line all the way to Sutton, thereby denying all those beyond Morden a decent service even 100 years later.
Why the pink stripes?
I think it's a Thameslink thing. I don't think it's a current Thameslink thing.
Is it just me who gets Merton and Morden muddled up?
It really doesn't help having two consecutive stations called South Merton and Morden South. Things were a lot simpler pre-suburbia when Merton and Morden were very distinct places. Then new station names distorted things, so for example the original village of Merton now has a station called South Wimbledon, the original village of Morden is best served by St Helier and the tube station at Morden is immediately opposite Merton Civic Centre.
How many other London stations are two anagrammable words?
In this case that's Modern Shout. The next double-anagrammable station is just up the line at Shout Mentor, whereas the best we can do at Wimbledon Chase is Bowelmind Aches and that's not proper.
What is that typeface?
It is perhaps two typefaces, one for the station name, the other for the signs. I really like the former.
What's it like inside the humungous mosque nextdoor?
This is a question I wondered last year, which is why for Open House I took up the offer of an hour-long tour within. It's a vast complex, built 20 years ago on the site of a former Express Dairy and reopened in 2023 after a nasty fire. One end feels more like a conference centre and events venue, the far end has the prayer hall with space for 6000 worshippers, and once you get past the metal detectors the main walkway is both florally and geometrically impressive.
How many types of automated parcel lockers are there?
I ask because there are two sets of parcel lockers at the entrance to the station, one branded InPost, the other Amazon. A few steps away at Morden Sorting Office the lockers are Royal Mail specific, whereas it's over a mile to the nearest Evri lockers at the Lord Nelson. Is that the full set?
Apparently this is a Category C step-free station. What are these categories? Category A: step-free access to all platforms Category B1: step-free access to all platforms but may include long/steep ramps or street-level interchange Category B2: some step-free access to all platforms (not as good as B1) Category B3: step-free access to fewer than the total number of platforms Category C: no step-free access to any platform
What's the point of a Meeting Point?
At busy stations, sure, but here? Nobody's going to miss spotting someone at a near-ghost station with one entrance and one island platform.
How long before most rail replacement buses are scrapped?
The Rail Replacement Bus Information poster at Morden South says 'when trains are unable to run...dedicated rail replacement buses will not serve this station'. Cheers for that. I know it's a little-used line but it's hardly fair to make people pay more for their usual journey, and alas increasingly so.
Do City AM end up throwing most of their papers away?
Mid-morning, well after any commuters would have passed through, I counted about 80 pristine copies of City AM in the hopper by the bus stop. Most of these are never going to be read, they'll just be binned the following morning when the next edition arrives. City AM has a certified daily circulation of 68,338, but how many of those are actually read?
Why do National Rail stations display out-of-date bus spider maps?
The spider map at Morden South is dated September 2015 and shows five local routes. The three that stop outside are still correct but the other two were both changed in March 2024, thus the map is misleading. I found a much worse spider map at Barnes Bridge station yesterday, dated August 2014 and still showing six routes crossing Hammersmith Bridge. Were these TfL stations the maps would have been removed without replacement, but maybe it's a good thing to still have something even if it's not correct.
Could they rewild more station platforms?
Beyond the canopy the centre of the island platform has been left to seed, so at this time of year a long green strip is alive with grasses, wild flowers and butterflies. It's lovely to stand beside, especially when your next train could be a very long time away. How many other unused bits of platforms around London could be enlivened this way?
Who is the sanctimonious moral crusader?
All the stations down this loop have laminated messages stuck to the shelters urging station users to behave better. [Today's fun of Vandalising is tomorrow's unsafe Station and Locality. BE SAFE!] I think only Morden South has the full set of four. [Your Local Station reflects YOU! Let's be proud and keep it clean!] [This is your Local station. Why Graffiti/Destroy? It only reflects you!] Whose self-righteous idea was this? [If we want the world to change, we first have to change Ourselves] If I had a spraycan, I think these misjudged posters are the first thing I'd smother.
It's the local elections tomorrow and London is electing borough councillors.
Here are snapshots of five election leaflets, three of which came through my letterbox and two of which are from opposite sides of London.
This is from the Greens in Bow East.
The bar graph is a fairly staple local election trope, essentially confirming "we are the only credible alternative". For context Bow East currently has a full contingent of three Labour councillors. However Labour don't run Tower Hamlets because Lutfur Rahman does, nor do Labour have the most councillors overall. It's thus a bit rich to say "If you're fed up with Labour..." because locally they run nothing.
The message is similar to Reform UK's slogan for the local elections which is GET STARMER OUT, despite the fact you're not voting for him at all. Both parties are simply piggybacking on the unpopularity of the national party in the hope of getting elected on a tidal wave of negativity... a tactic which might well be successful.
However I'm much more concerned about the graph. Supposedly it shows a projection for Bow East, as calculated in April by the website britain.votes.now.
I was intrigued enough to visit the website where I checked what the figures were... and they were nothing like those displayed in the leaflet. Here's my graph of what they actually said.
The data-bashers at britain.votes.now expect Labour to get 37% of the vote and the Greens 28%. This is not just the other way round to the graph in the leaflet, it's a Labour lead of 9% rather than a Green lead of 1%. I checked the website last week when the leaflet arrived and the data hasn't changed since, it's been resolutely 37%/28%/23%/5%/4%/3% all the time.
The britain.votes.now website also has a separate tab for the 'Win probability' in every ward. Here they assign 65% to Labour winning, 23% to the Greens and 12% to Aspire, i.e. they're fairly convinced Bow East will be a Labour victory. It might not be because that's how elections and probability work, but I saw nothing at britain.votes.now to support the graph in my election leaflet.
I emailed the Tower Hamlets Green Party last week asking them to explain but they haven't bothered responding. Perhaps they're preoccupied by their prospects nextdoor in Bow West where britain.votes.now does indeed give the Greens a victory probability of 65%. But here in Bow East, either the Greens have misinterpreted the data or they've drawn a deliberately misleading graph.
This leaflet is from Aspire, Lutfur Rahman's party. I haven't chopped anything off.
The leaflet is essentially just a huge ballot paper with instructions for how to vote for Lutfur as Mayor. It even explains what 'vote' means in three different languages. The back is much the same but instead shows how to vote for the three Aspire councillors locally. It's pretty much entirely 'how to vote for us', not why.
To be fair, Lutfur sent a whopping 4-page list of achievements separately a few weeks ago and this is merely leaflet number 2. But it does feel like a guide for people who don't understand what politics is about, perhaps due to language issues or lack of interest, thus something you could give to a compliant family member before nudging them towards a voting booth. It's not illegal, but it is an illuminating example of Lutfur's ability to get his vote out.
Labour's candidate for Mayor of Tower Hamlets took a different approach, sending me a two-page personally-addressed letter.
Page 1 mostly says you can't trust Lutfur to run the council properly whereas you can trust Sirajul. Page 2 then explains that Lutfur can be beaten but only if everyone who doesn't want him comes together and votes Labour instead. It's heartfelt but I can't see it happening, indeed this year I'd say Labour doesn't have a hope.
This leaflet is from Reform in Ickenham.
I wasn't given it, I found it on the pavement partially torn. For context the Conservatives won over half the vote in Ickenham and South Harefield four years ago, and britain.votes.now assigns them a 95% probability of winning again.
The first paragraph includes the line "Like many of you, we have become increasingly concerned about the direction our community is headed". However it's not stated what that direction is, it's left to the reader to fill in the gaps. The wider genius of Reform's messaging is also evident in their nationwide slogan REFORM CAN FIX IT, where 'IT' could be potholes, poverty, immigration or whatever makes you think they're on your side.
Paragraph 2 bashes the existing council, including the fact its leader is paid considerably more than the Prime Minister. When you have 2500 employees and are responsible for the wellbeing of 320,000 residents, perhaps that's just the going rate. This section also references "£199,000 paid on translation services for those who refuse to integrate", and you can almost hear the dog whistle there, that's how loud it is.
Overall the leaflet is really non-specific, right down to "ensuring your best interests are served at the council" without spelling out what that means. That's populism for you, but potentially a very successful approach at a time when people just want change.
Finally to Hornchurch where I was handed this leaflet outside Sainsbury's.
It's from the Residents Association because they do things differently in Havering, indeed the HRA currently run the borough as a minority administration. Hence you can feel their frustration when they kick things off by pointing out it's a local election, not a national or regional one. The councillors elected this week will be in charge of libraries, social care and community safety, not immigration, housing targets and ULEZ.
They also weigh in on Reform by pointing out that "a vote for Essex" is Party Political nonsense, listing all the things residents might lose if that nostalgic pipedream were ever implemented.
It must be frustrating for councillors (of all parties) who work hard to do their best for the local community, only to be voted out of office by people with no understanding of what's been achieved. Because people will still walk into the polling booth on Thursday and vote on national issues, or because they hate the Mayor of London, rather than for whoever might be best at emptying the bins. Local elections are all too often the wrong kind of popularity contest, same as it ever was.
Yesterday I spent 10 minutes around Ravensbourne station.
And I have more questions.
I wonder how many Londoners know where Ravensbourne station is?
It's not named after a town or suburb so Ravensbourne isn't a terribly helpful name. It could be anywhere unless you live locally or are good at London geography. But I do genuinely want to know how many of you know where it is so I've set up an online poll, here. Options are 'Yes, near enough' and 'Not really'. Please only vote if you live in London or have lived in London. Don't waste your time telling us in the comments, just tell the poll. After 375 votes (thanks!): 58% of you say yes, you knew where it was
How best to describe where Ravensbourne station is?
1 mile northwest of Bromley, the stop between Beckenham Hill and Shortlands, on the edge of Beckenham Place Park, very very close to the southernmost point in Lewisham but in Bromley, at the bottom of Crab Hill, southeast London, here.
How did Crab Hill get its name?
Genuine question, I don't know. You say: named after Crab Apple Field, formerly at the top of the hill
What's the point of just one platform having step-free access?
It's OK, we answered this one at Hadley Wood. But same thing here, an easy-to-install ramp in one direction and horrible stairs on the other.
That sign outside's unusual isn't it?
It wouldn't have been unusual in its day, which would have been when Oyster was still new and worth shouting about. They're a Southeastern thing I think. But how many of these old-ish signs, which even include the zone number, linger across the network?
How many other London stations are named after rivers?
Not many, I reckon. On the tube map I can find six with a river's name in the title (Brent Cross, Brent Cross West, Roding Valley, Stamford Brook, Wandle Park and Westbourne Park) but none where the station name is a one-word river. Maybe Ravensbourne is the only example in the UK? In London also: Lea Bridge, Brent (1923-1976), City Thameslink (maybe), Kidbrooke (sort of) Outside London:Trent (1862- 1968), Thames Ditton, Dovey Junction
How many of these lovely green fingerposts are there?
This one went up in the 2000s to signpost routes along the Green Chain Walk, also to show how to get to the Capital Ring, and has a trademark loopy circle on top that says Crab Hill. Nobody would find the funding for anything similar these days. I know there's another one in the middle of Beckenham Place Park, indeed I've seen several across London. But how many in total would you say... near enough thirty, approximately fifty or rather more than that? Answer: 156 on the Green Chain alone (and more elsewhere), thanks Ian
How many people have died because a defibrillator has a keypad?
It's brilliant that we have defibrillators all over the place these days, and also a sad fact of life that they have to be locked away to prevent stealing or vandalism. But when you have to ring 999 to get the keypad code, then push the buttons correctly to open the thing, how many incredibly valuable seconds does that waste and how many lives are lost as a result?
Is there anywhere else in London you can still find Thursday's City AM at the end of the weekend?
Obviously City AM doesn't publish on Bank Holidays, and obviously financial news isn't to everyone's taste. But it can't be a good business model to still have copies left over four days later. Most hoppers across London always empty out so why not here? Also these hoppers are shared with The (Evening) Standard who normally bin the City AMs on Thursday afternoon, so why doesn't the Standard bother with Beckenham? Very much target audience, I'd have thought.
Why does Ravensbourne station still have a ticket office?
It's amongst the 25 least used stations in London and has fewer passengers annually than every tube station in London. But Ravensbourne still has a ticket office (in a nasty fortified cabin added following a fire in 1988) which opens on weekdays from 06:40 to 13:20. I love a nice staffed station but it can't really need seven hours of ticket sales, not in 2026.
How do teensy coffee kiosks make a profit?
This one's tiny, just a mini-shed with a coffee machine and space to operate it. A selection of cold drinks are rammed into the doorway and a few chocolates and mints sit on shelves outside. That's basically all there is so I guess rental should be low. OK so there are 400 commuters passing through every morning, also a lot of dogwalkers heading into the park, but not everyone buys a drink. I know Aziz has been running this particular nameless kiosk for 12 years so it must provide a living, but it always seems economically miraculous that selling coffee in the middle of suburban nowhere can actually turn a profit.
What's the obsession with MIND THE GAP signs on the Catford Loop?
About 10 years ago they plastered big yellow MIND THE GAP signs all along the platforms from Crofton Park to Ravensbourne - there are at least two dozen here, far more than signs telling you the station's name. Safety necessity or complete overload?
Is this how they clean station platforms these days?
It's a woman with what looks like a leaf blower hoovering up dirt from the southbound platform. Interestingly she was doing the same at Beckenham Hill a few minutes earlier so I guess she hops onto the train to work her way down the line. Half an hour between trains means every station gets 30 minutes of cleaning and only one person needs to be employed - bargain!
Why is this Lewisham parish marker not on the borough boundary?
This smoothed metal post is dated 1883 and marks what used to be the edge of London. I found it up a short slope just inside the park, a spot that's now entirely within Lewisham because the borough boundary has been realigned to the edge of the park. Old maps suggest there was another post beside the station because one end of the platform was in Kent and the other wasn't, but I suspect that's long gone.
Is Beckenham Place Park Lewisham's finest park?
It has tough competition, but I suspect yes.
Does anyone ever follow the Beckenham Place Park Nature Trail?
Maybe they did when it was new and there might have been actual leaflets, but what about now? I'd be amazed if anyone spots a tiny yellow circle on a post, does a search for 'Beckenham Place Park Nature Trail' on their phone and then follows it. That's particularly true here because The Friends of Beckenham Place Park wound up in 2023, their website is on its last legs and the relevant file comes with a security warning. So many directional signs linger on around the UK far longer than their physical descriptions.
How did everyone in Beckenham know about yesterday's Vintage Market in the park?
The sheer number of people I passed heading into the park to look at the trinkety stalls by the mansion, it was almost like Blackheath Fireworks crowds used to be. The Vintage Market's been going for 10 years so maybe that helps explain the numbers but it doesn't open regularly, only seasonally, neither did I see any big advertisements at the Beckenham end. In these days of random reels and printlessness, how do people discover events like this are happening?
How long can I keep up this 'station questions' theme?
London has 600+ stations so I could keep this up for well over a year, but don't worry I won't.
