The new Pet Shop Boys Disco 3 album is released tomorrow. It's the third album of this type they've released, following 'Disco' in 1986 (which was good) and 'Disco 2' in 1994 (which so wasn't). The album features ten dance-orientated tracks, all written, recorded or remixed at the same time as the last studio album 'Release'. The Boys have kindly set up a website where you can listen to the entire album before it's released, in the hope that you'll want to rush down to the shops tomorrow and buy a copy - which, having had the thing playing on auto-repeat all weekend, I most certainly do. This is a real return to form. As Neil Tennant says "It's the new Pet Shop Boys meets the old Pet Shop Boys" - and about time too. And hey, the cover is a shot of London by night, so I was bound to have fallen in love with it.
• Time on my hands: Chris Lowe's voice always adds a certain magic to a PSB song. A great opening track, and not just because it features counting.
• Positive role model: Sounds like Barry White's about to burst into song at the beginning, but no. Another typical PSB track with a vocoder one-note chorus.
• Try it (I'm in love with a married man): Written by producer and mentor Bobby 'O' in 1983. First heard (and enjoyed) on a John Peel session last year. Still wouldn't recommend 'trying it' though.
• London (thee radikal blaklite mix): You could never have danced to the original, but the remix is much better than its name.
• Somebody else's business: Decent dance music with intelligent lyrics? Beats most of the current floor fillers that just repeat the words 'reach', 'high', 'lift' and 'pap' in random rotation.
• Here (extended mix): Wry social observation, a sort of English version of Cher's 'Song for the Lonely'. Just much better.
• If looks could kill: Written in 1983, finally remixed and released here - the Boys could write a killer hook even 20 years ago.
• Sexy Northerner (superchumbo mix): I hate it when a remixer takes a brilliant song (in this case a recent ironic B side), removes all that was great about it and shoves a backing track underneath. Pity.
• Home and dry (blank and jones mix): ...whereas this one does still work (as proven on the dancefloor last summer). The lyrical theme of transatlantic distance resonates too.
• London (genuine piano mix): It's the slow dance number at the end of the evening. This is how to do a piano number - Elton John listen and learn.
As those who know me will attest, I count things a lot. If it moves then I'll count it. Even if it doesn't move then I'll probably count it as well, just to be on the safe side. If you give me half a chance I can tell you exactly how many stairs I've just walked up, how many days/hours/weeks ago we last met, the chart position of that obscure 1980s single I just heard, how many minutes late my journey has been, exactly what change to expect in a shop and 427 other things. See, told you so. Some would say it's an unhealthy obsession, but I find that an exact number dropped into a conversation immediately gives you an air of authority and expertise as if you know precisely what you're talking about, even if you don't.
Anyway, to celebrate the fact that today's date is 01/02/03, I've decided to spend the month of February counting certain things that happen to me, and then to report back here on how the count is going. I've tried to pick ten things to count that should be vaguely interesting, even if only to me.
Count 1 (Blog visitors): Most of us who write blogs have an unhealthy interest in the number of visitors reading our site. This is because it's nice to know that someone actually reads what we write, and how much greater than zero that number is. I had 96 visitors yesterday and 1685 last month, which is better than the 17 per day and 647 per October I was getting back when I started. So, in February, I've decided to count the total number of visitors to this webpage. Current count: 25
Count 2: (Google searches): Many people appear to stumble upon this website by mistake after typing something completely unconnected into a search engine. All the words do appear here somewhere, but not usually in the order these visitors are expecting. Some of my favourite searches of recent days include "sheet music clive dunn grandad", "naughty geezer", "Danny Kendall grange hill" and "movie + ice skating + legwarmers". Hello to you if that's how you got here, and special thanks if you stayed. So, in February, I've decided to count the total number of search engine referrals to this webpage. Current count: 6
Count 3 (Blog content): It's a little-known fact that using Blogger to publish your blog is free, unless you post more than 100KB of data a month, in which case they charge you $3. According to Blogger that limit is "substantially more than the vast majority of bloggers publish". However last month I got perilously close to the maximum free limit, with 97KB of text and waffle on this site in January. I don't want to exceed my target in February, so this month I've decided to count the number of kilobytes of diamondgeezer. Current count: 8 (Ulp, bit high already)
Count 4 (Spam): There's always a sense of anticipation when that little envelope appears in the bottom right hand corner of your screen, announcing the arrival of new email. Could be good news, could be from a friend, could be interesting, could be anything. But how deflating to discover its just some unknown assailant sending you unwanted spam advertising something you don't want. I have no need of cheap inkjet cartridges, I don't want to buy a university diploma, neither do I believe the Nigerian government wants to give me money. I would click on the link saying 'I do not want your product now or on any of the 47 subsequent occasions you will send me this drivel', except that these links never work. However, I suspect I'm one of the lucky people who doesn't get too much e-rubbish - we'll see. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of spam emails I receive. Current count: 0
Count 5 (Nights out): One of the best things about moving to London is that there are so many places to go, and so many people to go places with. My social life has taken a distinct turn for the better since I moved here from Ipswich 500 days ago. Exciting things to do in a Suffolk village included whist drives, tea towel exhibitions (I kid you not) and maybe a meal down at the carvery. London can offer pubs, markets, parks, history, shopping, life and cab rides across Tower Bridge in the snow - and all that just so far today. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of nights I go out and be vaguely sociable. Equivalent total for Ipswich during February 2001 for comparison purposes: 3
Count 6 (Alcohol intake): I'm not a bitter person, nor a vodka addict. I hate the taste of whisky, and wine I can take or leave. I'm one of those bog-standard lager blokes for whom alcohol means a 275ml bottle of Becks. One advantage of bottled lager is that you drink approximately half as much liquid as other people around you drinking pints so you get to visit the pub toilets less often, plus I've discovered that bottled lager helps me to avoid chronic hiccuping attacks. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of bottles of Becks I drink. Current count: 2
Count 7 (Tea intake): As I've mentioned elsewhere, coffee is not for me. Give me a good cup of tea any day. It's a mystery why humans enjoy drinking dried leaves in boiling water, but any legitimate excuse to stop work for five minutes and stand by a brewing teabag will do me. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of cups of tea I drink. Current count: 3
Count 8 (Trains used): London has excellent public transport and you can get almost anywhere (except anywhere along the Central line) with a minimum of fuss by train. Many car owners can't put up with the thought of travelling in confined conditions surrounded by the great unwashed but I enjoy the chance to people-watch, as well as the opportunity to get quickly from A to B without paying the imminent Congestion Charge. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of trains I travel on. Current count: 1
Count 9 (Exercise taken): I never did see the point of going down the gym. You have to leave the comfort of your own home, display your puny body in the presence of steroid-enhanced physiques and then knacker yourself out for no readily-observable gains. It seems to me that you're far more likely to pull a muscle than to enlarge one. Instead my exercise regime involves walking up escalators. I'm that bloke on the left walking past you lumps of lard standing on the right, and I reckon it's all the exercise I need. So, in February, I've decided to count the number of escalators I walk up. Current count: 2
Count 10 (Mystery count): I'm not going to tell you what this is, but I'm counting it all the same. Current count: 0
01/02/03 @4:05 (and 6 seconds): Having been in America on 2nd January, I've already seen one 01/02/03 this year. However, today is the real one/two/three so I've celebrated with a slap-up pie and mash lunch in Greenwich, the home of time. I was delighted to discover that entrance to the Royal Observatory is now free, so it was possible to stand up there on the meridian line with one foot in the Western hemisphere and one foot in the Eastern hemisphere, surrounded by smiling foreigners. President Bush should consider doing a photoshoot up there.
Tacky TV programme of the month: Tough competition between Crossroads and Footballers' Wives, but the neanderthal team members of Earls Park Football Club and their dysfunctional spouses get to run the lap of honour. Kidnapping, murder, adultery, cocaine, more adultery, designer suits, christenings and not a football match in sight. Just a suspiciously high number of shower scenes. Unmissable.
Football result of the month: Farnborough 1, Arsenal 5. It may have been a walkover, but better that than to be walked over. And the FA Cup, the double and the treble are still in sight.
Film of the month: 1st place to Lord of the Rings - the Two Towers. OK, so the film may just one big battle with a lot of wandering around beforehand, but brilliantly done, especially Sméagol. However, that audience...
2nd place to Star Trek - Nemesis. The cast are getting on a bit, so probably just as well there wasn't too much running around to do. Moral paradoxes tend to be anaerobic like that, I find.
3rd place to Chicago. Expertly done, the rest of audience adored it, and I bet it wins awards and sells millions on DVD, but I could live without ever seeing it again.
Book of the month: Flood by Richard Doyle. As reviewed here earlier in the month. You'll be glad to know that the story has a happy ending, with only several thousand Londoners drowning horribly in the rising floodwaters as a surge tide invades the capital. At least it's only fiction, for which it seems we've been extremely lucky for the last fifty years. Exactly fifty years ago today, as it happens.
Singles of the week:
w/b January 6th: "Electric Six: Danger, High Voltage" (number 2) - A leftfield smash, weird but utterly brilliant, playing live in London tonight, and have you seen that video?
w/b January 13th: "Layo & Bushwacka: Love Story" (number 8) - Some dance tracks work and some don't. This one does. Third time it's been released, and third time lucky.
w/b January 20th: "Lemon Jelly: Nice weather for ducks" (number 16) - The standout track from the Lost Horizons album. I can imagine this being the theme to a school's radio programme back in the 1970s. Would have made country dancing more bearable anyway.
w/b January 27th: "t.A.T.u: All the things she said" (number 1?) - Lesbian teenage sisters? It's probably just (very successful) hype, but Trevor Horn has worked his epic magic again and this is great.
Album of the month: This category is still suspended until at least February. Because.
Gig of the month: Only been to the one this month, so The Cling it is. Their best live performance yet, and I hope the record company A&R men in the audience finally did the decent thing and signed them up. One day, boys, one day...
Musical discovery of the month: Playgirl by Ladytron. If you've ever been to Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco you'll know that it's a hellhole tourist tackfest of souvenir shops and rip-off restaurants. However, whilst down there buying a souvenir mug in the 'After The Quake' tourist shop I heard this great unknown track over the loudspeakers, and I knew I had to download the mp3 as soon as I got home. An important message to record companies - if you don't want us to track down your best tunes and download free music over the internet, don't allow your artists to sing the song title 28 times in four minutes. However, in this case I'm delighted that's exactly what Ladytron did. Sadly the mug cracked the minute I got it home and poured hot water into it. Perfect souvenir of an earthquake-prone city.
The 7pm puzzle: What comes next? 55, 19, 38, 1, 1, 242, 38, 19, 55, 1, 55, 38, 242, 1, ...
Answer: I don't know. After standing around at a bus stop in New Oxford Street freezing to death for twenty minutes waiting for a 25, I couldn't be bothered to wait any longer... so I wandered off in the direction of the nearest eastbound tube station, which was a mile away due to the general travel chaos and the Central Line still being shut down, so I got even colder, so I guess what comes next is pneumonia.
The not-7:00 puzzle (9): What time is it now? The number of minutes is four times the number of hours. In quarter of an hour the number of minutes will be three times the number of hours. (bonus points if you can post your answer at the right time!)
24/01/03 Bloggies: "It's time for the annual Bloggies awards, the international online January vote-fest to pick the world's best blogs in 30 categories." Blimey, the intrigue! It seems that the Bloggiesnominations were not all that they seemed... or rather that it was too easy to get nominated if you lived in Dallas. I blame Cliff Barnes myself.
16/12/02 McBurgers: "Three weeks ago a drive-in McDonalds suddenly sprang up at the bottom of my road. Today they're serving burgers to the three customers who've noticed the restaurant has just opened." I have the misfortune to live exactly one burger's distance away from our new McDonalds. The pavement outside my house is therefore now littered with Big Mac wrappers, squashed french fries and discarded brown paper bags. McDonalds have been community-minded and put litter bins right outside their restaurant, except that nobody walking home has finished their burger by that point in their journey. The council have woken up and installed another new litter bin further up the road, but that's permanently full and most people walking home don't get that far while they're still eating. So, please, could someone stick a litter bin somewhere inbetween, like outside my house, just so that I don't have to walk round a spreading pool of strawberry milk shake every morning?
16/12/02 Treasure Hunt: "Tonight, after a twelve-and-a-half year gap, Treasure Hunt is back on our TV screens." More good news! The week-long revival of this excellent show was a success, so BBC2 want to make a new series. Particularly good news if you work on the show, eh Jez? And should you want to be a contestant, or rather a pair of contestants, just send an email here.
10/01/03 Going Underground: "My local station was 100 years old last year, and is rather less glamorous. It would be good to think that one day the politicians will stop arguing about how the tube is funded and just get on with improving the whole system so it actually works." They've finally decided to spend some money on improving conditions at my local station. They could have added another four seats on the platform, doubling the number available. They could have updated the 'next train' indicator so it tells us how many fictional minutes we have to wait for the next train. They could have staffed the ticket office so it's actually open occasionally. But no. Instead they've spent our money making room for 54 posters to be put up on the stairs, and they've filled every single one of these 54 spaces with the same advert advising us to stand on the right on escalators. Which would be great except that there are no escalators at my local station, nor are there any for at least two miles in either direction. In my humble opinion it would have been rather more useful to put up a poster saying 'If you can read this you're walking down the stairs too slowly - please get out of my way, I have a train to catch'.
28/01/03 Grange Hill: "It must be Britain's most well known comprehensive school, it's 25 years old this year, and it's back on our screens tonight." Ah, it seems we do all remember Tucker and friends. You can read my review of the new series here.
The 9pm-last-night puzzle (courtesy of Ian):
(8i) Name two artists who've covered David Bowie's The Man Who Sold The World.
(8ii) Place these four David Bowie 1980s hits in order, highest chart position first - a) Absolute Beginners, b) Cat People, c) Let's Dance, d) Blue Jean
(8iii) What fifteen words follow: "Well he trotted back to my house and he sat beside the telly with his tiny hands on his tummy chuckling away laughing all day. I ought to report you to the Gnome office....."?
It must be Britain's most well known comprehensive school, it's 25 years old this year, and it's back on our screens tonight. It's Grange Hill, and it's also one of my favourite TV programmes. I remember the first episode, I've set my video for the latest episode, and I reckon I've watched virtually all of the 500 or so episodes inbetween. Admittedly it's not the most realistic TV show ever to be screened - any school with that many dysfunctional staff, let alone pupils, would have received a vist from Her Majesty's Inspectorate many years ago (actually, in the last series there was this great Reservoir-Dogs-type scene when the grey-suited men from OFSTED walked up to the school gates...). However, a ground-breaking drama series set in an anonymous suburban comprehensive was always going to strike a chord with a viewing audience just home from school, and so it is that Grange Hill chalks up a quarter of a century tonight.
So which era of Grange Hill do you remember? Trisha and Tucker maybe, or Gonch and Zammo, or perhaps Miss Carver and Mr Hankin? Did your school dinner ladies ever serve up a glowing sausage like that one in the opening credits? Was your school bully called Gripper, Imelda or Mauler? Did you ever wish that Mrs McClusky was your headteacher, or rejoice that Mr Bronson wasn't? Was your PE teacher firm but fair like Mr Baxter, a psychopath like Mr Hicks, or unexpectedly catapulted to headteacherdom like Mr Robson? Were there really ever any children in normal schools with nicknames like Pogo, Ziggy or Tegs? Did your class ever have a bolshy school refuser like Danny Kendall, or a misunderstood kid with Asperger's like Martin Miller (you've not been watching lately, have you?). Was Cartman from South Park based on Row-land Browning, did Boy George ever learn any fashion tips from Suzanne Ross, and would Nancy Reagan ever have learnt to 'Just say No' without Zammo's heroin habit? Or are you just sitting there reading this in the States thinking 'Grange What?', doesn't he mean Degrassi Junior High?
I was forever endeared to Grange Hill in 1994 when they filmed a scene betwen Mr Robson and his illicit love interest outside the house I grew up in. This was, however, a sign that the emphasis of the show was moving dangerously away from the lives of the children towards the lives of the staff. This change, at last, is to be reversed. The latest series of Grange Hill is being produced by Phil Redmond, creator (and destroyer) of Brookside. Phil wants the show to return to concentrating more on the antics of the children, not all of whom will be suffering from stereotypical medical conditions and social inadequacy. He also arranged that the old school building be burnt to the ground at the end of last year's series (oh, that evil deputy head Mr Deveril), so the Class of 2003 will now be attending a new school set somewhere in the north-west of England and no longer anywhere up the eastern end of the Central line.
TuckerJenkins returns tonight as the uncle of one of the new characters (probably just as well, given that he's only got days left to live on EastEnders). I'm sure this reappearance isn't just a shameless publicity stunt - Phil Redmond normally crashes a plane into a series if he really wants to make an impact in the media. But it's good to know that I won't be the only character from 1978 still attending Grange Hill tonight, 25 years on.
The 7am puzzle (7): The following five numbers fit either across or down into this grid, along with one other number. What is that other number? 121, 213, 221, 312, 313
That's probably the most exciting match the FA Cupfifth round draw could possibly have thrown up. All of which just goes to show that, when you let chance play a part, something improbable always happens. But, in a random draw of 16 teams, exactly how improbable would that be?
14 to 1 against: Arsenal to play Manchester United
29 to 1 against: Arsenal to play Manchester United away from home
239 to 1 against: Arsenal to play Manchester United away from home in the first match to be drawn
5 to 1 against: 3rd Division Rochdale to have been sure of a plum tie at home against Premiership opposition (didn't happen) 2 million to 1 against (near enough): this particular draw of 16 balls coming out of the bag in that order
Most football pundits have no idea at all about the laws of probability. This is why they'll have spent the ten minutes after this lunchtime's draw saying "How remarkable is that?", and why they'll spend the two hours before the fifth round matches trying to prove who's going to win on the basis that in past cup matches between these two teams the side wearing the red away shirt has always won by two clear goals whenever there's been an R in the month.
All that is certain is that, before May is over, 19 out of the 20 teams still in the FA Cup will have had all their hopes of glory cruelly dashed. Just one team will remain to pick up the silverware, and following today's draw it's a little less likely that'll be Arsenal. However, come February 15th, 1-5 would be perfect. And please not 6-0.
Home: That was possibly the dullest Sunday ever, at least since I left Ipswich. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, nobody to see. So, instead of going out, I've stayed in and spent the whole day giving my homepage a radical update. Not thispage, thatpage. The list of postcodes below is just an example of what you'll find on there. If your Monday at work turns out to be as dull as my Sunday at home, why not waste some time having a look?
In each London postcode area the postal district nearest the centre of London is given the number 1.
The remaining districts are numbered in alphabetical order of the main delivery office in each district.
E1 Whitechapel, Stepney, 1.6km End
E2 Hoxton, Shoreditch, arty trendy stuff
E3 Bow, Bromley-by-Bow, home
E4 unsafe ecstacy dosage
E5 Hackney, Ghetto, Gunbattle
E6 Beckton, World’s End
E7 Upton Park, relegation
E8 A hearty breakfast
K9 Barking, Isle of Dogs
E10 Posh school just north of Windsor
E11 Lleytonhewitt
E12 To The Manor Park
E13 Plaistow, pronounced Plarstow
E14 Docklands (Poplar), Millwall (unPoplar)
E15 Stratford, West Ham, Olympic Village
E16 Victoria Docks (no Beckham jokes please)
E17 Stay Another Day
E20 Walford, Angiesden
E25 the new name for the EU from 2004
E101 Riboflavin
E102 the chemical in Sunny Delight that sends kids hyper
Newsflash: 32 people have been injured and hundreds more evacuated from Chancery Lane station after a train derailed and hit a platform. London Underground said the last three carriages of the train appeared to have left the track. Eye-witnesses said "Something snapped underneath when we were at Liverpool Street. When we got into Chancery Lane the doors just ripped off." "The windows caved in and the doors opened in the tunnel and we were just bouncing up and down." "There was smoke and everything and the driver came on and said everyone to get to the front of the train and started shouting 'mayday'."
The accident happened on the Central Line just before 2pm this afternoon. Fifteen minutes earlier I was coming back from the V&A on a train going through the same station... but in the opposite direction. Ulp. My thoughts are with the injured, and how glad I am not be amongst them.
Where better to head on a Saturday morning than South Kensington - home to most of London's top museums. It's great to have our national treasures on view for free again, and I don't make the effort to go and look at them as often as I should. I battled through crowds of middle class parents (it's surely no coincidence that the Piccadilly line goes direct from Islington to South Kensington) and their disinterested offspring, and headed to the delightfully child-free Victoria & Albert Museum.
I went to the V&A to see Rewind, an exhibition charting 40 years of developments in British design and advertising. Rewind covers a range of creative disciplines from graphic design to poster advertising, and from packaging to radio ads. On view, amongst other things, were posters for the film Trainspotting, the British Rail logo, old Radio Times covers, record sleeves from the Pet Shop Boys, Blur and Spritualized, tins of pears from Harrods, some Airfix-type football hooligans, a great online Compaq bird hunts worm game, Silk Cut posters and a suspiciously high number of Apple products. An unitentional additional exhibition was also on view - the fashions being worn by the creative types attending the show. So that'd be baggy shorts, NHS specs and facial hair trimmed into unfeasibly-stripped goatees.
My favourite exhibit was a showreel of the very best adverts and onscreen design of the last 40 years. I wouldn't normally sit in a gallery and watch a video presentation for 55 minutes, but this was creative nostalgia of the highest order and exceptionally watchable. What a joy to sit and wallow in the original 1960s Dr Who opening titles, the legendary frothy Cresta bear, classic ads for Heineken, Stella Artois and Holsten Pils, the 1982 Channel 4 and 1991 BBC2 channel logos, J R Hartley's Yellow Pages ad, the orange Tango man's facial slap, the Guardian 'point of view' ad with the skinhead (alas, not the Persil one), Parklife with Nike on Hackney Marshes, that Levis launderette ad, and the stunning Dunlop tyre ad with the Velvet Underground backing track. It's amazing how much creativity and effort is poured into products like cars, lager and jeans which without a brand profile would be virtually indistinguishable.
The exhibition's only on until next weekend. Should you want to visit there's a special late viewing next Friday, complete with pub quiz, debate and table football. It's a reminder that British creativity is amongst the very best in the world. And I love it.
The Count
Grange Hill
The 7am puzzle (7): The following five numbers fit either across or down into this grid, along with one other number. What is that other number?
News flash: 32 people have been injured and hundreds more evacuated from Chancery Lane station after a train derailed and hit a platform. London Underground said the last three carriages of the train appeared to have left the track. Eye-witnesses said "Something snapped underneath when we were at Liverpool Street. When we got into Chancery Lane the doors just ripped off." "The windows caved in and the doors opened in the tunnel and we were just bouncing up and down." "There was smoke and everything and the driver came on and said everyone to get to the front of the train and started shouting 'mayday'."
Rewind
