If it's a quarter past seven on the morning of November 3rd, then I've been single for exactly four years.
(Yes, I know the post below is one I wrote a year ago, but I've updated it a bit, and I intend to keep posting it every year on this date until my situation changes. Not that I care if it doesn't, you understand.)
A not-so-recent survey found that 66% of UK adults are currently in a stable relationship, leaving the remaining one third of us currently unattached. Some might say that we single people are missing out, and maybe we are, but I'm convinced there are lots of positive points to being single:
Single: You get the whole duvet to yourself.
Coupled: You don't need a hot water bottle.
Single: There's half as much ironing to do.
Coupled: There's somebody else to do the ironing for you.
Single: You can hoover the carpet when you think it needs doing.
Coupled: Someone else hoovers the carpet before you think it needs doing.
Single: You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
Coupled: There's someone to talk to about the TV programme you're watching.
Single: You can flirt with people in the street.
Coupled: You don't need to flirt with people in the street.
Single: You can get home from work at whatever time you like.
Coupled: There might just be a meal waiting for you when you get home.
Single: You get to eat the whole ready meal for two yourself.
Coupled: It takes just as long to cook for two as it does for one.
Single: You can go on holiday somewhere you actually find interesting.
Coupled: Hotel rooms cost less per person and there's someone to talk to at breakfast.
Single: There are no important birthdays or anniversaries to accidentally forget.
Coupled: Somebody actually remembers your birthday.
Single: You can spend all your money on yourself.
Coupled: There are two salaries coming in and only one set of bills.
Single: You have can still have a riotous social life in your 30s.
Coupled: You can still have a riotous social life in your 60s.
Single: You always get a double seat to yourself on public transport.
Coupled: You can never find a double seat because all the single people are hogging them.
Single: You don't keep catching every sniffle, cold and flu bug off your partner.
Coupled: When you suffer a major cardiac arrest, somebody notices and dials 999.
Single: You have no friends to go out with because they've all partnered off and are staying in.
Coupled: You don't have to go out with those annoying friends you had while you were single.
Single: You know which set of parents you'll be spending Christmas with this year.
Coupled: The family sometimes chooses to spend Christmas at your house.
Single: Being coupled is restrictive, stifling and a sign of personal weakness.
Coupled: Being single is unnatural, lonely and a sign of personal failure.
Single: The memory of someone you used to live with is usually better than the reality, isn't it?
Coupled: Single people spend all their time trying not to be single, don't they?
Single: You can lie in bed in the morning for as long as you like.
Coupled: There's a very good reason for lying in bed in the morning.
Single: Nobody sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
Coupled: Somebody loves you despite what they see first thing in the morning.
Single: You never unearth a pile of mobile phone bills filed for tax purposes listing the phone numbers of numerous blokes your partner has been shagging behind your back.
Not that I'm in any way bitter, you understand...