diamond geezer

 Tuesday, February 17, 2009

From: Karen Pyssop [mailto:humanresources@chocolateteapot.com]
Sent: 17 February 2009 07:00
To: AllDepartments; ManagingDirector; SeniorManagement; Accounts; Finance; Admin; Payroll; IT; EveryoneInCatering; TheCleaners; AccountsAgain; MyFriendMary; AFewRandomPeople; NigelIMetOnHoliday; Mum; spam@viagra.spam
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Hello everyone!

Good news! For this year's works outing I'm organising a beer-tasting session in a brewery! What could go wrong? Just follow these simple instructions and I'm sure we'll all have a great time.
The date: Monday 30th February 2009. Put it in your diary now!
The time: 13:00am sharp! Don't be late!
The pick-up point: see attached map
In case I didn't copy you into my previous email, the one that's stuck in your spam filter, I've posted the invite on Facebook. Everyone's on Facebook, aren't they, so you'll be able to all read the details there. Pay careful attention to Rule 7, it's very important.

I've organised some coaches to take us to the brewery. I'm labouring under the mistaken impression that I've ordered 53-seaters, but the company are going to send minibuses instead. Be there early or you won't get aboard, and we wouldn't want you to miss out.

You need to be 18 or over to enter the brewery. We'll be asking to see ID at the door. Make sure you have one of the three recognised forms of ID with you. Only forms of ID on the official list will be permitted. Fail to bring one and we won't let you in. I couldn't be clearer about that.

The brewery boss is going to greet us at reception and tell us a bit about the history of the place. He's actually away at a conference in Galashiels, but he's agreed to ring in and teleconference us for ten minutes between seminars. Don't worry, I know how to turn up the volume on a speakerphone, and I won't accidentally cut him off midway through the opening anecdote.

Health and safety concerns require that all drinks parties in breweries are issued with an official risk evaluation certificate by the council's Envronmental Officer. I've completely overlooked this requirement because risk analysis is for losers. Really, it won't matter, and nobody will stop us on the way in.

I've selected some excellent beers for you to sample! Heindammer's Pure and Old Greengage, for starters, plus BierJerker, Lammerbrau and Big Pig. You have brought the bottle opener, haven't you? I thought you had it. You said you were going to bring it. No, I didn't bring one because you said you were going to. We could always try biting the bottles open with our teeth.

During the afternoon I've organised some party games for us all to to play. They're collaborative brainstoming games based on corporate objectives, and they'll help us to facilitate brand-facing behaviours to develop cross-team synergies. I'm sure this won't put a damper on the afternoon, because it would be really boring if all we did was drink for five hours flat, wouldn't it?

Then we'll round off the day with some frothing real ale fresh from the barrel. I know there'll be some plastic cups around somewhere, so I'll not be taking any with me. It'll be the perfect end to a perfect work's outing.

I expect we shall all be very drunk by this point! I'd like to remind you that work begins at 7am sharp on Tuesday, and that anyone calling in sick or arriving late will be sacked. We want you to have a good time, but there's a recession on and the boss is looking for any excuse to shed personnel.

Please RSVP by Friday 13th February. Have fun everyone! Really, what could go wrong?

Karen Pyssop
Trainee Events Organiser (probation extended)

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