diamond geezer

 Sunday, September 16, 2018

60 things in my flat

• An enamelled owl.
• A cross-stitch map of Suffolk.
• Muji 'City In A Bag (London)', across the top of the flatscreen TV.
• The old answerphone that's only plugged in because it has a message from my Mum on it.
• Three silver chairs which my landlord really likes, and which he'll only discover are broken after I move out.
• A stack of old telephone directories and Yellow Pages, which it turns out make excellent bookends.
• A wind-up radio, just in case civilisation collapses and the power goes off.
• A half pint tankard from the 6th Epping & Ongar Real Ale Festival.
• A jamjar containing 33 unfolded slips of paper.
• Four Creme Eggs.

• A souvenir Rutland drinks mat.
• Several cuff links I haven't worn since my last day at work.
• All the Christopher Fowler Bryant & May detective novels, in hardback.
• My grandmother's mirror, which is the only one of my possessions my ex actually liked.
• A London 2012 tea cosy, upturned to hold various London 2012 souvenirs flogged off on the cheap in the post-Olympic closing down sale (including 1 pack Police Officer Mandeville Magic Face Towels).
• A full-size poster tube map, once randomly given to me by a member of staff on the Hainault Loop.
• A green and blue shirt which I love but has never fitted.
• A portrait of me looking out of a Scottish window.
• My last will and testament.
• Bike leathers.

• A pot of Icelandic small change.
• A letter David Miliband shouldn't have had to write to me.
• A paper cup sourced from the BBC Maida Vale Studios on 6th February 1979.
• The notes I used to make the best man's speech at my brother's wedding, 25 years ago next week.
• All the Comic Relief red noses, up until the year they started sealing them in random packets.
• The tiny plastic wristband which was attached around my arm just after I was born.
• A London Transport Night Buses timetable dated September 16, 1972.
• A spiral bound copy of the BBC Microcomputer System User Guide.
• Turn Around by Phats & Small on cassette single.
• My infant school 'Stories' exercise book.

• An empty jar of mint sauce.
• Three Typhoo 'Millennium Blend' teabags.
• A broom handle divided up into equal sections with black and red tape.
• A heck of a lot of cans of tuna fish, in case 30th March 2019 doesn't turn out well.
• A tortoise fridge magnet, now mysteriously headless, acquired from Dublin's Guinness brewery.
• The tin of lemon drops which used to be in my car's glove compartment (which I found while compiling this list, and decided it was time to throw away).
• The salt cellar I can't reach because it fell down the back of the cooker ten years ago.
• A dispenser of Carex antibacterial handwash (Love Hearts, fun edition).
• Several reusable cotton shopping bags (which I have never reused).
• Two Viners Splayds.

• Lynx Africa.
• A lifetime supply of cotton buds.
• A towel rail which falls off the radiator if you try to hang a towel on it.
• Two bottles of Adidas shower gel I was once given for Christmas, despite not having a shower.
• A branded alarm clock they once gave us at work in what must have seemed like a good idea at the time.
• 150ml bottle of Avon Skin So Soft dry oil body spray (in case I make another visit to the midge-infested Highlands).
• A comedy 'frog in a sou'wester' doorstop, bequeathed to me by the previous owner of the flat.
• The green bath towel we bought just before I went to university.
• A wipe-clean board with 193 numbers written on it.
• My new favourite shirt.

• A pair of black furry dice.
• 5 pairs of black 3D cinema spectacles.
• Two chunks of lava I picked off Eyjafjallaj√∂kull.
• Several copies of that rogue tube map with Morden in the wrong fare zone.
• The 'Isles of Wonder' Olympic Opening Ceremony CD (last played 27 July 2018).
• A fake personalised numberplate, from the era when companies were allowed to make fake personalised numberplates.
• The fairy lights you'll see unfurled down the hallway from November until March, should you ever come round.
• A spare electronic key fob, just in case anybody brilliant ever deserves it.
• Fred Dibnah's calculator.
• Squeezy pig.

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