diamond geezer

 Wednesday, June 24, 2020

London's getting its mojo back! In undoubtedly the best news since lockdown, the Prime Minister has announced the reopening of the capital's restaurants, pubs and cinemas starting on July 4th. But when Super Saturday dawns there's only one place you'll want to be and that's the hallowed halls of the London Hat Museum. Book now to avoid disappointment!

While London's been locked away the good folk at the Hat Museum have been polishing their trilbies and fluffing their fedoras to make sure everything's ready for Saturday's stampede. The Helmet Gallery has been deep cleaned. The Millinery Hall has been fully sanitised. Best of all the Easter Bonnet exhibition that was supposed to have opened in late March has been left in situ and timed tickets are now available for purchase.

"We can't wait to show you our Easter collection," says Head Curator Marilyn Pettigrew, "because we don't want all the effort we put into assembling it to go to waste. Tickets are now available in half-hourly slots from 7am to 9pm to ensure that nobody misses out. Please book online because we desperately need the cashflow. Tickets are also available for our delayed Ascot Fascinators exhibition which will now open in September."

Better still, there's gin! Sunday July 5th sees the museum's first ever Raspberry Beret Spectacular, a bespoke celebration of all things juniper. London's most luxurious blends will be up for tasting, courtesy of Newman's Old Originals, in the majestic setting of the French Salon. One free drink is included in the ticket price of £35, as well as a selection of hat-shaped canapés and pesto toppers. Chapeau!

"We can't wait to welcome you to our Parisian gin soirée," says Event Coordinator Hugh Runacre. "We've worked out precisely how many people we can fit in at "one metre plus" spacing, where to put the plastic screens and how to ensure adequate ventilation. Best of all our waiting staff will be wearing protective helmets from the museum's collection, visors down, bringing our heritage archive to life. The new normal has never been so appealing."

Better still, the museum's audio handsets have not been deemed COVID-secure so the audio tour is now available via a downloadable phone app. Better still, the new one-way system leads past a selection of the finest exhibits rather than leaving you free to wander round at will. Better still the museum's gift shop has been fully restocked with an attractive range of stationery items and souvenirs left unsold for the last three months.

"We know the British public find shopping irresistible," says Lead Accountant Devi Kapur, "especially when they haven't been able to do any for months. All we ask is that they do some of that shopping here. Without immediate income the London Hat Museum faces an existential crisis, and the capital's cultural offering will be irreversibly depleted."

Expect to read something similar in hundreds of desperately upbeat press releases going forward.

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