diamond geezer

 Thursday, September 10, 2020

👐 😷 🚀
NHS DAILY BRIEFING - Monday 14th September 2020

Dear [Name of Citizen]

Thank you for signing up to the personalised NHS Daily Briefing email brought to you by Public Health England in conjunction with Dettol and Ladydido Health Insurance.

We have identified your location as Bow E3.
If this is incorrect, please click here to personalise your email with the appropriate local restrictions.

The number of people you can socialise with today is 6.

Thank you for requesting a COVID-19 test on 31st August.
A walk-in test appointment is now available at
    Inverness Reformed Baptist Church (IV3 8HN)
    Aberdeen Boat Club, S Esplanade (AB11 9AA)

We recommend that you use public transport only if absolutely necessary for the economy, for example if going to work, heading to the pub or visiting a restaurant.

Remember Hands - Face - Space
- Use your hands to cover your mouth whenever you cough
Face - Always face away from others when you pass them in the street
Space - Make space in your routine to wash your hands with soap and water

The Hendersons from number 14 have just got back from Zakynthos.
Please do not go round to theirs to look at their holiday photos.
If you see them in the street please email shapps@transport.gov.uk immediately.

Stay Alert >> Control The Virus >> Use Dettol

The new rules are really simple to remember:
   Mix With Six (but not in Bolton)
   Meet Outdoors (but keep your coat on)
   Keep Apart (unless you're bubbling)
   Wear A Mask (unless it's troubling)

You exempt from wearing a face covering, just so we know.

The number of people you can socialise with today has changed. It is now .

It remains perfectly safe to send your children to school.
The following local schools remain closed because of suspected outbreaks.
   • Sacred Heart RC Primary
   • William George High
   • Forestwood 6th Form College
   • Bright Futures Academy
We believe young people are mostly to blame.

Your daughter's birthday party on Monday is Cancelled.
Your father's funeral on Tuesday is Still On.
Your best mate's stag night is Sssh, Don't Tell.

Alert: Furlough ends in 50 days!
The following job opportunities are available:
   » Track & Tracer (expect very little to do)
   » Covid Marshal (zero pay but a fantastic uniform)
   » Senior Civil Servant (several vacancies)

Further rules on social distancing are due to be introduced next Monday. They will be leaked to the papers tonight, announced at an impromptu press conference tomorrow and fully explained in legislation published three hours before they come into effect.

Your GP has signed you up to the Great British Chub Club.
Your personalised weightloss plan for Monday is as follows:
   Breakfast: three melon chunks, porridge with soya milk
   Lunch: crispbread, celery, black tea
   Snack: maybe an apple
   Dinner: any restaurant on the at risk list

Sign up now for LadyDido Health Insurance and enjoy a special introductory rate before it becomes compulsory

These examples should make the "Rule of Six" crystal clear...
   Maximum of six people: garden; kitchen; orgy; fishing; car
   No mandatory limit: office; pub; rugby; casino; protest; bus

No travel will be permitted between Thursday 24th December and Monday 28th December.
Please register your chosen support bubble now at gov.uk/Christmas_Quarantine

Hold fast citizen, and await the latest miracle solution personally pledged by the Prime Minister.

Your questions answered
Q: What happens if I become unwell while on holiday in England?
A: If you develop symptoms while staying in overnight accommodation you should self-isolate and request a test by calling 119. If your test is positive you should return home as quickly as possible using private transport. If you cannot avoid using public transport you should continue to self-isolate in your accommodation and call 111 for further advice.

The number of people you can socialise with today has changed. It is now .

Our world-beating Track and Trace app tells us whether somebody you recently walked past has tested positive for coronavirus and you must self-isolate for 14 days. It has not been triggered today. Tomorrow you may not be so lucky.

Try not to cough on anybody before we despatch your next briefing tomorrow.

To unsubscribe from this email, just use your common sense.

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