What if all the places in London competed in a knockout competition to see which was best? It'd be like the World Cup but without the football, just an enormous branching chain of towns, suburbs and other settlements. All you'd need is a huge list and a willingness to make hundreds of subjective geographical judgements. Who would win this Ultimate London World Cup?
I'm game, so first of all I made a list. I looked at all 32 boroughs, not including the City because that's atypical (and because it was very likely to win otherwise). For each borough I listed eight of its most important settlements, which was much harder for Barking & Dagenham than for Westminster. That gave me an enormous list of 32×8 = 256 London places, which I then shuffled into an entirely random order.
256 is of course a power of 2 which allows me to create a perfect knockout tournament with no byes. This starts with the Round of 256, moves onto the Round of 128, then the Round of 64 and Round of 32, by which point it's just like a FIFA fever dream. All that's then needed is the Round of 16, the Quarter Finals and the Semi Finals before crowning London's best place in a glorious Final after a total of 255 knockout matches.
Here's the very top of my shuffled list showing the first 32 places (and the first 16 matches).
Let's start knocking them out.
Round of 256
Sutton v Leyton
I know I've always said Sutton's dull but it has more going for it than Leyton, sorry Leyton, but a League One football club and a big Asda don't beat a proper ex-Surrey town. (winner: Sutton)
Archway v Highams Park
I like Highams Park but it's a bit sleepy, whereas Archway has buzz, a historic bridge and a cat statue. (winner: Archway)
Chadwell Heath v Surbiton
It'd be a shock if anywhere in Barking & Dagenham did well and no, Chadwell Heath cannot beat Margo & Jerry's prime suburban bolthole. (winner: Surbiton)
Stamford Hill v Isle of Dogs
Both are worth exploring but the inner Thames meander has so much more to offer. (winner: Isle of Dogs)
Beckton v Eltham
No debate here. (winner: Eltham)
Old Oak Common v Welling
Even though Welling has nothing much it still beats Old Oak Common, which might be amazing eventually but for now is mostly an enormous building site. (winner: Welling)
Walworth v Chelsea Harbour
These are two very different places, almost top and bottom of the social spectrum. I'd like gritty Walworth to beat the artificial luxury bolthole but alas it doesn't. (winner: Chelsea Harbour)
New Addington v Harold Hill
Wow, battle of the huge out-of-town council estates. New Addington wins for its more rural setting. (winner: New Addington)
Clapton v Harrow-on-the-Hill
It's almost unfair, the gap between these two. (winner: Harrow-on-the-Hill)
Penge v Belmont
To be clear that's Belmont in Sutton not Belmont in Harrow. I would rather go to Penge any day. (winner: Penge)
Northolt v Woodford
An interesting battle, the Ealing outlier versus the Redbridge suburb. I lean to the latter. (winner: Woodford)
Roundshaw v Harefield
The Roundshaw estate wouldn't be in the draw if Sutton had eight genuinely interesting locations. (winner: Harefield)
Bowes Park v Northwood
The North Circular despoils Bowes Park, so Metro-land it is. (winner: Northwood)
Hampton v Acton
Hampton's not quite Hampton Court, it's further west and lowlier, so the Ealing suburb triumphs. (winner: Acton)
Sanderstead v Covent Garden
My auntie will be disappointed but it'll take a more captivating place to defeat Covent Garden. (winner: Covent Garden)
Shepherd's Bush v Malden Rushett
To say Malden Rushett is an underdog would be an understatement. (winner: Shepherd's Bush)
There are still 112 first round matches to go so I'd best stop there for now.
Instead let's go back and send those winners into the next round.
Round of 128
Sutton v Archway
Archway has contours, history and class (in parts), plus it's not Sutton. (winner: Archway)
Surbiton v Isle of Dogs
What exactly are we comparing here? Either could triumph depending on the criteria, but I choose the former. (winner: Surbiton)
Eltham v Welling
This is an unexpectedly local derby! But no contest, sorry. (winner: Eltham)
Chelsea Harbour v New Addington
The luxury enclave's over-rated but I couldn't with good conscience choose the council estate. (winner: Chelsea Harbour)
Harrow-on-the-Hill v Penge
Byron's poetic inspiration was the hilltop public school, not the comic suburb. (winner: Harrow-on-the-Hill)
Woodford v Harefield
Woodford's too homogeneous so I pick the village with world class cardiac expertise. (winner: Harefield)
Northwood v Acton
Northwood's too homogeneous so I pick the leafy suburb where Waitrose has its origins. (winner: Acton)
Covent Garden v Shepherd's Bush
Both attract daytrippers but what they've done with the old fruit & veg market beats the modern mega-Westfield. (winner: Covent Garden)
Round of 64
Archway v Surbiton
One has the Thames and the first Modernist railway station, the other has the A1 and that awful tower block. (winner: Surbiton)
Eltham v Chelsea Harbour
Chelsea thinks it's posh but Eltham has an actual royal palace with art deco whimsy. (winner: Eltham)
Harrow-on-the-Hill v Harefield
Winston Churchill never went to school in Harefield (nor Benedict Cumberbatch, nor the bloke who founded Pret A Manger). (winner: Harrow-on-the-Hill)
Acton v Covent Garden
Sometimes you just know which of the two has to win out. (winner: Covent Garden)
Round of 32
Surbiton v Eltham
I thought Surbiton would have been kicked out by now, but Eltham is not the place to do it. (winner: Surbiton)
Harrow-on-the-Hill v Covent Garden
Erm, I think I might need your help on this one. Two near-great places, but which is greater? (winner: ????)
And once that last battle's been decided we're into the...
Round of 16
Surbiton v Harrow-on-the-Hill or Covent Garden
Surbiton loses this battle no matter what, so it all comes down to who wins Harrow-on-the-Hill v Covent Garden.
Phew that was a lot of knockouting, eventually whittling the first 32 places down to just one.
To complete the entire draw would take another seven posts like this, followed by a grand finale where I run through the Quarter Finals, Semis and the Final. I might go all the way and subject you to the whole thing.
Or we might just accept that the obvious place is certain to win. The random draw and knockout phases are entirely superfluous when London's best place is baked in from the start.
