✅ Village pond (ring of benches, reedy growth, warning of deep water, rustic litter bins, lifebelt on back of bus shelter, inevitable ducks)
✅ Village green (picnic benches, memorial trough, beacon, premature fallen leaves, beech mast, dogmess bins, playground, bronze statue of girl reading book)
✅ Village shop (shuts for lunch, reopens bang on time, sparse shelves, AI-drawn poster in window, still sells newspapers but also artisan breads and Fairtrade jars, includes craft workshop space)
✅ Former village shop (was bakery, now Eight Mediterranean, "an exciting new coffee shop and restaurant concept offering a selection of the very best of Turkish/Mediterranean cuisine using only the best quality raw materials with special attention being paid to the preparation and presentation of the product as well as the healthiness factor", also breakfast, also cake, chef required)
✅ 'The Old Police House' (currently for sale, offers in excess of £600,000, but there is no 'The Old Post Office' because the Post Office is still open)
✅ War memorial (flat slab rather than inscribed cross, four WW1 silhouettes because one would be insufficient, crocheted wreath, one of last year's poppies still in situ, visit by Air Cadets still a month off)
✅ Bus shelter (four buses a day to a choice of provincial towns, also redundant bus shelter now used for community library, three shelves of books including Bill Bryson, John Grisham and Val McDermid)
✅ Village pub (former Charringtons but now freehouse, early drinkers at window table, blue-timbered bar, homemade Lasagne Special, Quiz Night every Wednesday, potwasher wanted)
✅ Village noticeboard (map, crimestopping advice, upcoming gatherings, parish council notices, subject matter of parochial interest, cultural event which on closer inspection is in nearby town)
✅ Village signpost (points to Women's Institute Hall because of course it does, also Scout Hut, also Playing Field, also 'School' because that's not ambiguous in a village)
✅ Village church (not in village centre but an annoying walk way especially on inclement Sundays, flinty, Norman, rubber stamp for pilgrim passports, Reverend Helen, churchwardens called Chris and Marjory, summer Sunday teas, poorly-located Millennium Hall)
✅ Village hall (prominent Union Jack, potted tubs, annexe named after village elder, regular activities including short mat bowls and Barré with Fi)
✅ Village Club (prominent Union Jack, hanging baskets, bingo, pool, snooker, darts, quizzes, also meat raffle every Friday, also poker every Sunday evening, new members welcome)
✅ Village newsletter (articles include Nigel's Nature Notes and Martial Arts Summer Update, adverts include investment advice and mobile chiropodist, planning notices include single-storey rear extension on Ricketts Hill Road, upcoming events include WI Harvest Lunch and An Evening With Owls)
✅ Street furniture (telegraph poles covered with ivy, old lamppost with LED lamp, horseriding sign, postbox which turns out to be someone's mailbox)
✅ Cottages (some old, some painted, a few terraced, picket fences, ceramic nameplates, shrubbery starting to go red, birdtables)
✅ Bungalows (carport, charging point, veranda, box hedge, pampas grass, loft extension, solar panels, skip for building works, multiple bins)
✅ Detacheds (oddly-shaped pile the first owner somehow slipped past the parish council planning committee, odd name like Wareslea or Glen Nevis, entryphone, gravel drive, room for four cars, security camera, yapping dog)
✅ Lanes (lanes with no pavement which is fine because nobody walks anyway, lanes that peter out into "unsuitable for motor vehicles", unmade road surfaces because the council isn't responsible, corners residents tend to take slightly too fast, lanes that have to be signed 'Public Footpath' because otherwise they'd look too private)
✅ Public footpaths (those generally only used by dogwalkers, those which are just obscure cut-throughs, those which end up in scrappy woodland, those which squeeze between back fences, those you can't imagine anyone using but there's still a Costa Coffee cup halfway along, those which are so steep you'd only walk down)
✅ Villagers (grey-haired shoppers, adolescents back from weekend sport, owner occupiers on their knees in front garden flower beds, bistro sippers, Waitrose unloaders, reluctant carwashers, suspicious twitchers, actual member of Bucks Fizz, seven-time Grand Prix motorcycle World Champion, one of the Cambridge Five spy ring)
✅ Red London bus (departs every 30 minutes from the shelter by the pub, ideal if you want to get to New Addington, far better than schlepping up the hill, driver takes the Hail and Ride sections quite fast, helps groups of teenagers escape to the nearest decent shopping parade, helps Surrey residents take advantage of everything London has to offer, timetable is for a stop at the other end of the route thus useless and has been in situ since March 2024 because TfL never check these things, ensures Tatsfield is surprisingly easy to get to)
Villages outside London reachable by TfL bus
» Colnbrook by 81
» Denham by 331
» Chigwell by 167
» Joydens Wood by B12
» Knockholt and Halstead by R5/R10
» Tatsfield by 464 (possibly the villagiest of all)
» Mickleham by 465 (or this one)
» Claygate by K3
» Sunbury by 216/235
