And so ends diamond geezer's seventh annual tube week. I continue to be amazed by how much interactive interest the London Underground inspires, even amongst people who rarely or never use it, so thanks for all your comments. And I'm also surprised, every year, that I don't run out of new tube-related stuff to write about. I mean, seven years on and I still haven't written a tube week post about disusedstations. Maybe next year...
Tubewatch (30)Extended Circle I've been discussing the possibility (and geometric ludicrousness) of an extended Circle line on this blog since 2004. But in exactly one month's time, it actually happens. The Circle will be broken at Edgware Road and trains will trundle on to Hammersmith.
Here's the official poster already appearing at tube stations. Let's check out its claims.... • A more reliable service The Circle line's often unreliable because delayed trains stay delayed as they keep going round and round. But as of December 13th, once these trains have somewhere to terminate, the timetable ought to get a chance to catch up. That's the theory anyway, we'll see if it works. • Fewer delays Erm, that's exactly the same as the last claim, isn't it? • More trains to Hammersmith Absolutely right, and the main benefit of the entire change. The Hammersmith branch currently sees seven trains an hour. Next month it'll be twelve trains an hour - half of them on the Circle and half on the Hammersmith & City. Big win, surely?
But here's the flipside of the argument - three more claims that TfL probably don't want to publicise... • Less frequent Circle line trains Yes, sorry. At the moment seven Circle line services are scheduled every hour, but in future there'll only be six. Trying to get round from Gloucester Road to High St Ken, or from Liverpool Street to Tower Hill? Expect to wait up to ten minutes in the future, not the present eight and a half. A not-very-frequent service just got worse. • Less frequent Hammersmith & City line trains Same here. No problems west of Liverpool Street, but trains will only head round the curve to Aldgate East every ten minutes. Expect an even longer wait. • Potential passenger chaos at Edgware Road A 'broken' Circle means that everybody travelling between Bayswater and Baker Street will need to change trains at Edgware Road. Travel east and there's a 50/50 chance you'll arrive on the 'other' platform. Travel west and there's a 50/50 chance the next train to depart will be from the 'other' platform. In either case you'll need to cross the footbridge, so long as you realise, which is a sure-fire recipe to confuse tourists and even regular travellers. I've seen the system in action, remember, so I'll be giving Edgware Road a wide berth in the future. I suspect you will too.
Tube geek (30)Interchange TfL define a interchange as "a transport hub where two or more different modes of transport meet". Tube interchange stations, therefore ought to be easy to spot, particularly as they're labelled on the tube map with a black circle. But just how far apart are two stations, or bits of stations, allowed to be before we shouldn't call them an interchange any more?
Case in point. This is a section of the latest tube map showing four different central London interchange stations. Baker Street is a well-known five-line intersection, while Marylebone is an interchange to National Rail services. But the other two stations depicted here look rather different to their incarnation on the previous tube map. Paddington used to be shown as two distinct stations, with the Hammersmith & City out on a limb, but now it's only one. The H&C station remains a long (and awkward, and congested) walk from the rest, along the edge of mainline Platform 8 and up some not-really wide enough stairs. But now, to the uninitiated at least, it appears on the map like a simple and straight-forward interchange. You know, and I know, that only an idiot would change between the H&C and District lines here. But I bet that many tourists have acted like idiots at Paddington since this new map was released.
More to the point, Edgware Road. On the last tube map two quite distinct stations were depicted, one for the Bakerloo and the other for the Circle/District/H&C. No indication was given that changing to or from the Bakerloo line was possible, let alone a good idea. And now the whole thing - two stations on either side of a busy flyover - is marked as a single point of interchange. Sure you could change here, if you like a trip in a lift and a long yomp across dual carriageway sliproads. But there's no logical reason why anybody should, not when swapping at Baker Street or even Paddington is so much easier.
I had a go from Edgware Road (Circle/District/H&C) to Edgware Road (Bakerloo). There's a potentially helpful sign above the former station's exit, telling interchangers to start by finding a set of traffic lights. That's easier said than done. The aforementioned traffic lights are the wrong end of a one-way street, so not one single red amber or green light points back up the road towards the station. Only if you spot the illuminated pedestrian signals will you be certain which way to go. Turn right at M&S, past a not terribly beautiful Hilton, and thence to the MaryleboneFlyover. There are pedestrian crossings now, but the only way to cross used to be via an other-worldlysubway. It's very empty down here today - just a rather lonely-looking newsagents kiosk, a wholly unlikely art gallery and signs still pointing towards the "Metropolitan line". Negotiating all that lot, either above or below ground, takes at least two minutes from station to station. No fun with luggage, or a pushchair, or in pouring rain. The Bakerloo line station's gorgeous, especially the ticket hall with its green-glazed ticketwindows. But with a judderingly slow lift journey still to go, this is a cross-London trek you're far better off not making.
So please beware of the new tube map. Although every interchange shown is possible, this certainly doesn't mean that every interchange is wise. The linked blobs at Edgware Road are a deceit, not an aid to travel, however tempting they may appear. Do try hard never to change trains here.
Tube quiz (30)t-shirts If you're looking for a Christmas present idea for the tubegeek in your life, and don't mind forking out a lot of money for a bit of white fabric, then you might consider ordering a personalised tube map t-shirt from the London Transport Museum website. Damned clever idea. You move a zoomable square around the tube map until it encloses the area you'd like to select. Then you decide whether you'd prefer a t-shirt, mug or mouse mat, and click 'create product'. The website shows you what it would look like and, should you be smitten, you can then buy it and go walking down the street with half the Victoria line on your chest. I shan't be splashing out myself, but I have had a go at creating something suitably quirky. Here's my Oxford Circus mug, here's my attempt at a more symbolic t-shirt, and here's something rather cleverer (not my idea, I'm afraid).
Tubewatch (29)litter There used to be litter bins on tube stations, as can be deduced by anybody who visits the Bakerloo line platforms at Charing Cross. A rather splendid black and white mural of the Gunpowder Plotters was installed here 30 years ago, slap bang in the middle of which is a slot for the disposal of litter. Or at least there was. It's far too dangerous to permit such a useful facility today lest some evil passenger insert gelignite rather than an empty Ribena carton through the slot. And so the Ugly Squad have come along and bolted a featureless white rectangle over the hole, simultaneously preventing terrorism and wrecking the artwork underneath. This design aberration perfectly sums up the tube's litterbinlessness - "No you can't have a bin, and who cares how much of a mess is created as a result."
I fully understand why it's a bad thing to have hidden black voids at central London tube stations. But surely it must be possible to design and position an underground litter bin so that it doesn't create an unacceptable threat to world security. A few outer London tube stations are permitted dangling transparent plastic bags - could we have a few more of those further in? Or some sort of newspaper recycling slot on trains (OK, not enough room), or on platforms (OK, too much congestion) or in ticket halls (yes please). Meanwhile TfL's "please take your litter home with you" argument is ignored by all and sundry, as the floor of any tube carriage in the early evening will attest. The introduction of bins within, or even immediately outside, tube stations would surely help Londoners to recycle more, and help to keep our tube network tidier. Who could refuse?
Tube geek (29)Installed by cretins Last year I spent an entire week blogging about 'next train' indicators, and how they're installed by cretins in locations where passengers can't actualy read them. After the week was over I enjoyed some lengthy email communications with one of TfL's Press Officers, who empathised with my thoughts and assured me (in some detail) that things were slowly getting better. One particular paragraph in her reply stood out, which was this:
"With regards to the positioning of train indicator boards, ideally there should be one on each platform and it should be positioned so that the information on the display can be read as customers enter the platform and from the middle of the platform. If this cannot be achieved by a single display then an additional one should be fitted where possible. As part of the Tube Investment programme we have endeavoured to install train indicator displays in the best possible positions on the platforms. The layout of many of our stations means it will never be possible for customers to see the train indicator boards from everywhere on the platform and so we stipulate that they can be seen at the entrances to platforms so customers can see what trains are due as soon as they get on to the platform."
Which is an excellent sentiment. It's just a shame it doesn't always happen.
Let me illustrate this with an up-to-the-minute example of 'next train' indicator cretinousness, which is happening as we speak at Mile End station. The platforms at Mile End have been a complete dump for the last couple of years because they were mid-strip-out when Metronet collapsed and the tube upgrade programme ran out of money. Recently, finally, the station's modernisation has kicked off again, which appears to involve the construction of a suspended ceiling across the top of Mile End's cavernous platforms. It's unnervingly low, indeed so low that the ceiling is in some places lower than the top line of the existing 'next train' indicators. Which means that passengers arriving down the stairs onto the westbound Central line platform can no longer see where the next train is heading. The second train's fine, but not the first, because a metal bar at new-ceiling-height now blocks the view [enlarged photo]. Cretins, I tell you, absolute bloody cretins.
Mile End is already seriously sub-optimal for the viewing of 'next train' indicators. Its rows of prettily-tiled pillars don't help, because they tend to block either the left hand end of the board (destination) or the right hand end of the board (minutes). But the real problem has been that there aren't enough 'next train' indicators, and they aren't in the right place. Let me sketch you a pretty diagram of Mile End station to show you what I mean.
Mile End's two eastbound platforms form an island across the top, and its two westbound platforms form an island across the bottom. Trains run along the white strips - the Central line very-top and very-bottom, and the District/H&C through the middle. The stairs down from the ticket hall are at one end of each platform, whereas the exit stairs are located much more centrally. There are four 'Way out' signs, shown in yellow, and six 'next train' boards, shown in blue. The bottom left 'next train' board is one-sided only, facing west. And all the green squares represent pillars (which, for the purposes of what I'm about to explain, are irrelevant).
The blue shaded areas are the sections of each platform from which a 'next train' indicator can be seen. Maybe not easily, and maybe requiring a step to one side and a shuffle, but visible all the same. Good news, that's pretty much the entire length of the westbound District line platform, as well as most of the eastern half of the station (the end furthest away from the station entrance). But there's a long-term problem with the (yellow) 'Way out' signs, because they're positioned right up close to the four 'next train' indicators in the centre of each platform. They have to be there, it's Health and Safety, because everybody needs to know how to get out. But they act as an opaque shield to the destination information immediately behind, which means that the 'next train' can't be viewed from any of the areas I've shaded red. Bloody useless, but nothing new.
What is new are the pink bits. It used to be possible (last month) to view the 'next train' indicator from the pink areas, and now it isn't. This is the fault of those new low ceiling bars, which are extra-low in places and are getting in the way of important customer information. Stand at the far eastern end of either eastbound platform and, especially if you're tall, the 'next train' is no longer visible. More importantly, walk down the steps from the ticket hall onto the westbound Central line platform and the 'next train' is suddenly no longer visible. Where's it to? Don't know. How long's it going to be? Haven't a clue. Previously available information, shielded, covered, obscured.
Which brings me back to TfL's supposed rule regarding 'next train' indicators - "we stipulate that they can be seen at the entrances to platforms". Not at Mile End they aren't. At Mile End, bizarrely, they're only perfectly visible at the exits to platforms! Enter either eastbound platform and they can't be read, not unless you walk halfway up towards the front of the train. And now, thanks to the implementation of some all-encompassing modernisation programme, westbound Central line customers arrive on the platform in a freshly created blind spot. Totally un-joined-up thinking, as one part of TfL sticks in a new station feature which acts as a barrier to something previously installed by another. The cretins are back, right now, this week, in a tube station near me.
I did email TfL 10 days ago to see if they could tell me what was going on at Mile End station. I asked for reassurance that I'd interpreted the situation wrongly, and that in fact engineers had some other solution up their sleeve (like lowering the 'next train' indicators or installing new ones or not actually building a new ceiling quite so low as it appears). But no answer has been forthcoming, despite an initial reply saying they'd look into it. So I can only assume that TfL-directed engineers are continuing to add a too-low ceiling at Mile End because nobody's thinking about the complete picture. New ceilings, sanctioned by ignorance, installed by cretins. Nothing changes.
Tube quiz (29)Zone to zone Some tube trains nip through entire travelcard zones really quickly, pausing at only one or two intermediate stations along the way. So this morning I'm asking you to identify the intermediate station (or stations) in these zone-to-zone journeys. A) Zone 1 → two intermediate stations → Zone 3 B) Zone 1 → two intermediate stations → Zone 3 C) Zone 1 → one intermediate station → Zone 4 D) Zone 3 → two intermediate stations → Zone 5 E) Zone 4 → one intermediate station → Zone 6 F) Zone 7 → one intermediate station → Zone 9 n.b. None of the stations involved in these journeys are on the boundary between zones. All answers are now in the comments box.
Tube quiz (28)Gateline There aren't many stations left where you can still exit from the London Underground without passing through a ticket barrier. Roding Valley is one. How many more do we know of?
Ungated station: Roding Valley, Finsbury Park, South Kenton, Mill Hill East, Kensington Olympia. One ungated exit: Chorleywood (westbound), Waterloo (W&C), Bank (via lift), Chalfont & Latimer, Finchley Central, Sudbury Town (westbound?), Woodside Park (northbound), Farringdon (rush hour). Ungated exit on special event days: Sloane Square (Chelsea Flower Show), Oval (cricket), Fulham Broadway (Chelsea FC), Arsenal (Arsenal), Putney Bridge (Fulham), Westbourne Park (Carnival). Exit via Tramlink: Wimbledon. Exit via DLR: Bank, Canning Town, Stratford. Exit via London Overground: West Brompton, Willesden Junction, Richmond, Kew Gardens, Gunnersbury, Highbury & Islington, Blackhorse Road. Exit via National Rail: several - including Farringdon, Greenford, Ealing Broadway, West Ruislip (via car park), Amersham, Moorgate, Old Street.
Tube geek/watch (28)Roding Valley Of all the stations on the London Underground, the one you're least likely to visit is Roding Valley. It's on the Essex/London border at the eastern end of the Central line on the Hainault Loop, roughly halfway between Woodford and Buckhurst Hill (but not actually served by trains on that main branch). Three trains an hour, if you're lucky. And maybe that's why this station sees only 210,000 passengers a year (which is half the total of the second least visited station - neighbouring Chigwell). Roding Valley is the tube's most overlooked destination. So, obviously, I had to go and take a look.
Took a while. I had to let five Central line trains go past before a "Woodford via Hainault" train finally rumbled along. I was taken on a circuitous route around the London borough of Redbridge, eventually rumbling across the M11 and over a river whose name you can probably guess. I was surprised that there were still as many as nine passengers in my particular tube carriage as Roding Valley station approached. But I wasn't surprised when the doors opened and I was the only person on the entire train to step out onto the platform.
An entire TfL station to myself - this surely doesn't happen very often. But I did get a very definite feeling that I was being watched. There are a ridiculous number of security cameras at this station, pointing this way and that, ensuring that nobody can even pick their nose without being scrutinised from ten different angles. Loudspeakers are even more numerous, most of these planted on closely-spaced metal stalks, meaning there's absolutely no escape from announcements about engineering works and unattended luggage. So dense is the electronic forest sprouting from Roding Valley's platforms that I can only assume the Hainault Loop is some asbo hotspot (or else tube infraco Metronet were a bunch of scamming swindlers fleecing TfL's budget for every penny they could screw).
Or maybe all the CCTV is a revenue protection scheme. Roding Valley is one of the few ungated stations on the tube network, meaning it's perfectly possible for the criminally-minded to slink in or out without waving an Oyster card. Instead the two entrances are protected by an enamel sign warning of a £50 penalty fare, which is a lot cheaper to install than a full-time member of staff. Incidentally these are also step-free entrances, recently enabled, meriting Roding Valley a rare wheelchair blob on the Central line tube diagram. Just be aware that it's not possible to wheel from one platform to the other via the footbridge - a 500m trek along local backstreets is required.
When the next train arrived I was watching from the footbridge, looking down across the tracks curving beneath me. This particular service from Woodford was a little busier, this being the quicker route to/from central London, and a quartet of passengers disembarked and rapidly dispersed. I was then surprised by something I wasn't expecting to see at a reputedly unstaffed station - a TfL member of staff. There was me wandering around with my camera like I owned the place, and all the time I was being watched by the bloke paid to keep an eye on things. I gritted my teeth and walked down to the ticket hall to try to take some more pictures under his surveillance.
I needn't have worried. While I was snapping away the station manager popped over for a chat and was politeness personified. He said he'd seen somebody else taking photos of the tree-flanked platforms earlier, and wondered what the attraction was. He was also particularly keen to show me Roding Valley's unique front-of-station topiary - the hedge beside the bike rack that's been clipped and coerced into the shape of a steam locomotive. There's more than enough spare time inbetween trains for him to ensure its immaculate upkeep, and if I come back next year it might even have four new wheels. As head gardener he also maintains the station's hanging baskets, in season, and pointed out the three "second place" certificates displayed proudly on the station wall. Woodford's the local station to beat, apparently. Maybe next year.
At this point in the conversation there was another customer to deal with, wanting to know which platform to use to get to London (answer: either of them). This gave me the chance to take a final look around before heading off down the street into surrounding suburbia. But Mr Station Bloke stopped me before I left with an interesting proposition. He said he had something in his office that someone like me might like, and would I wait while he went inside to fetch it. So I waited, and what do you know, he was absolutely right. It's easy to bash TfL and point out small niggly faults that make our everyday tube journeys less than perfect. But at a very human level, in this remote under-visited outpost, the organisation's true quality shone through.
Tube quiz (27)Platforms Most London Underground stations have an even number of platforms. But can you identify any stations with an odd number of platforms? (That's platforms currently in use by Underground trains)
1 platform: Chesham, Heathrow Terminal 4, Mill Hill East, Kensington Olympia 3 platforms: Amersham, Chalfont & Latimer, Stanmore, Edgware, High Barnet, Finchley Central, Seven Sisters, Woodford, Hainault, Leytonstone, Upminster, Dagenham East, Plaistow, Tower Hill, Mansion House, Gloucester Road, Putney Bridge, Richmond, Morden, Hammersmith H&C, North Acton, North Greenwich. 5 platforms: Ealing Broadway, Stratford
Tubewatch (27)The Little Book I'd like to apologise to you if you've bought a copy of "The Little Book of the London Underground". This is a stocking-filler hardback, recently launched, which offers 200 pages of "wacky" tube facts for £9.99. It's been written by Times journalist David Long, who's written three other books about the capital including one particular volume that Amazon keeps urging me to purchase. David's latest densely-packed book contains chapters on Mapping the Underground, Heroes & Villains and Stories, Songs & Films. And look, I'd just like to apologise for the bits I wrote, because they're mostly inaccurate.
I was quite surprised to find bits in the book that I'd written, because nobody asked me if it was OK to include them. To be fair, David has tweaked them and written around them and applied his own take on things. But I take full responsibility for writing them in the first place, and for them not being entirely correct. If you want to ask for your money back, don't let me stop you.
When my annual Tube Week started, way back in 2003, one of the first lists I published was "the number of tube stations in each London borough". It was a lot like the list you can see in the post below, only a 2003 version. I sat there with a map and tried to tally up how many stations there were in each borough, and I made a list, and I published it on the blog. And blimey, what do you know, there's that same list on page 104 of David's book. OK, so he's listed the boroughs in alphabetical not numerical order. OK, so he spotted that Lewisham now has no stations rather than the two it had in 2003. And OK, so he's accidentally omitted Westminster, which is the single most station-packed borough in London. But I recognise most of the rest of the numbers in his list because I counted them myself six years ago. Even the ones that are wrong. Tower Hamlets doesn't have 12 tube stations any more, because the East London line's closed. Hillingdon now has an extra station at Heathrow, which makes 15 not 14. And Hammersmith & Fulham actually has 15 tube stations not 13 because online mapping was rubbish in 2003 and I couldn't be sure whether two of them were over the border or not. You may have added a few errors of your own, David, but I got it wrong first.
Then there's page 142, where David publishes a list of average speeds on various tube lines. That's a nigh-perfect copy of my original list, also from Tube Week 2003, where I divided the length of each line (in miles) by how long a typical journey was from end to end. Desperately unscientific stuff, and in no way related to the top speeds that trains on these lines actually reach, but David's published it all the same. My apologies, I should have researched it better.
Then there's page 60, which is the classic "it's sometimes quicker to walk" section. David's been kind enough to give me a namecheck here (I am the "popular Tube-blogger known as Diamond Geezer"), and then used exactly the same six examples of journeys that I used in Tube Week 2003. Unfortunately this time he's copied them wrongly, making the perhaps understandable error of assuming that metres are the same as yards. They're not. So I'd like to apologise, again, because Regents Park to Great Portland Street isn't 220 yards it's 220 metres.
I also had more than a flicker of recognition on page 92 - "Stations with lifts instead of escalators" (but no, David, you really shouldn't have added East Ham, Finchley Central, Hammersmith, Hillingdon and Wembley Park).
So look, I'd hate you to think I was ungrateful. And I'd hate you to think that I have any sort of rights over this sort of information, because it's freely available on the internet and anyone can use a blog for inspiration if they so wish. But I would like to apologise for providing incorrect information which has now been immortalised in print, thereby adding to a number of other inaccuracies stated as fact in David's book. So if you bought The Little Book of the London Underground, sorry, that could have been ten pounds better spent. And if somebody buys you this book for Christmas, please take all my bits with the huge pinch of salt they deserve.
Tube geek (27)Borough How many tube stations are there in each London borough? Lots. Or maybe none.
Westminster (30); Brent (20); Camden (17); Hammersmith & Fulham, Hillingdon (15); Ealing (14); Barnet (13); Kensington & Chelsea (12); City of London (11); Harrow, Redbridge (10); Islington (9); Hounslow, Lambeth, Tower Hamlets [Essex] (8); Southwark (7); Haringey, Newham, Wandsworth (6); Barking & Dagenham, Merton, [Herts] (5); Enfield, Havering, Waltham Forest (4); [Bucks] (3); Hackney, Richmond (2); Greenwich, (1); Bexley, Bromley, Croydon, Kingston, Lewisham, Sutton (0) (This is an updated, hopefully now correct, version of a list which first appeared in Tube Week 2003)
My borough-by-borough list perfectly sums up the inequitable geographical spread of the tube network. Westminster, not surprisingly, fares the best. All of the top eight boroughs in the list are to the north or west of the capital (along an approximate Metro-land-ish axis). Meanwhile all but one of the bottom nine boroughs in the list are to the south of the Thames. Six of these southern boroughs have absolutely no tube stations at all (although Lewisham used to have two until the East London line changed hands). Hackney's the most glaring exception to the north-south rule with a mere two tubestations, both of which are located unhelpfully on the borough boundary. But otherwise this may be the true reason why the river's so important on the tube map - it divides the haves from the have nots.
Tubewatch (26)Non-priority seats The ten people you least want sitting beside you on the tube: • The accordionist. • The extremely chunky fat man. • The bloke who hasn't washed since September. • The woman attempting to read a broadsheet newspaper in your airspace. • The flustered parent with a whiny kid who wants to crawl across and sit on your lap. • The shouty girl gossiping across the carriage to her six mates, know what I mean. • The shift worker eating something oozy, drippy, slurpy and honking. • The adolescent with a frisky pitbull on a short lead. • The girl who thinks the entire armrest is hers. • The blogger taking notes.
Tube quiz (26)Name that station Here are the names of 30 tube stations with all the consonants replaced by 'c' and all the vowels replaced by 'v'. Can you identify them? For example, Neasden = consonant vowel vowel consonant consonant vowel consonant = cvvccvc
Tube geek (26)Re-rivering the tube map A couple of months ago, you may remember (of course you remember, even people who live in Lerwick probably remember) there was an incredible furore about the new clutter-free tube map. The River Thames went missing, and the general public went apoplectic. Never mind that nobody catches trains down the Thames, nor that the tube crosses the river without obstruction. The media screamed, Boris pronounced, and the Thames will be back on our tube maps next month.
Which creates an awkward problem. It'll be fairly simple to squeeze the Thames back into west and central London because there's plenty of room for manoeuvre. But out east it's a very different story, and two conflicting blue lines are to blame. One is the DLR, which insists on having umpteen stations every few hundred metres, and the other is the river's whopping great meander around the Isle of Dogs.
Here's the Docklands chunk of the latest tube map. It's noticeably simpler than used to be the case, with no East London line replacement buses, a single-blob interchange at Canary Wharf and a slimmer-than-before curve through North Greenwich. But now this elegant layout and spacing are under threat. Look at the gaps through which the restored Thames has somehow got to weave its way. First between Rotherhithe and Wapping (squish), then bending sharply south to the left of Canary Wharf. From here it's all the way down to squeeze between Island Gardens and Cutty Sark, then all the way back up and over the top of North Greenwich before flowing right back down again. Tight fit indeed. There's always been an unwritten rule on the tube map that station names must never be written across the Thames, but I wonder if they'll have to break that this time. Or maybe those IoD DLR stations will have to be compressed even closer together... which would be far easier if (cough) all the blue accessibility blobs were removed from the map.
Replacing the Thames won't help 99.9% of passengers to make their journeys, but it is going to make East London travel look far more complicated than it ought to be. The December tube map will be forced to sacrifice clarity of vision for political correctness, and all because people who rarely use the Underground say it must. Only a few weeks to wait and we'll see how good a damage limitation exercise the designers have managed.
Time once again for diamond geezer to go totally tubular with another week devoted to the London Underground. Prepare for five days of quizzes, quirks, commentary and obscure statistics. Six years ago I looked at the busiest stations and journeys where it was quicker to walk. Five years ago I investigated tube line colours and the easiest interchanges. Four years ago I discussed overcrowding and precisely where the underground is underground. Three years ago I wrote about accessibility and why people never move down the platform. Two years ago I examined the agonies of Bank/Monument and taking your bike on the tube. And last year I spent the entire week wondering why 'next train' indicators are installed by cretins. I hope there's still something left to write about this year. Mind the doors.
And so ends diamond geezer's seventh annual tube week. I continue to be amazed by how much interactive interest the London Underground inspires, even amongst people who rarely or never use it, so thanks for all your comments. And I'm also surprised, every year, that I don't run out of new tube-related stuff to write about. I mean, seven years on and I still haven't written a tube week post about disused stations. Maybe next year...
Tubewatch (30) Extended Circle
Here's the official poster already appearing at tube stations. Let's check out its claims....
Tube geek (30) Interchange
Case in point. This is a section of the latest tube map showing four different central London interchange stations. Baker Street is a well-known five-line intersection, while Marylebone is an interchange to National Rail services. But the other two stations depicted here look rather different to their incarnation on the previous tube map. Paddington used to be shown as two distinct stations, with the Hammersmith & City out on a limb, but now it's only one. The H&C station remains a long (and awkward, and congested) walk from the rest, along the edge of mainline Platform 8 and up some not-really wide enough stairs. But now, to the uninitiated at least, it appears on the map like a simple and straight-forward interchange. You know, and I know, that only an idiot would change between the H&C and District lines here. But I bet that many tourists have acted like idiots at Paddington since this new map was released.
More to the point, Edgware Road. On the last tube map two quite distinct stations were depicted, one for the Bakerloo and the other for the Circle/District/H&C. No indication was given that changing to or from the Bakerloo line was possible, let alone a good idea. And now the whole thing - two stations on either side of a busy flyover - is marked as a single point of interchange. Sure you could change here, if you like a trip in a lift and a long yomp across dual carriageway sliproads. But there's no logical reason why anybody should, not when swapping at Baker Street or even Paddington is so much easier.
I had a go from Edgware Road (Circle/District/H&C) to Edgware Road (Bakerloo). There's a potentially helpful sign above the former station's exit, telling interchangers to start by finding a set of traffic lights. That's easier said than done. The aforementioned traffic lights are the wrong end of a one-way street, so not one single red amber or green light points back up the road towards the station. Only if you spot the illuminated pedestrian signals will you be certain which way to go. Turn right at M&S, past a not terribly beautiful Hilton, and thence to the Marylebone Flyover. There are pedestrian crossings now, but the only way to cross used to be via an other-worldly subway. It's very empty down here today - just a rather lonely-looking newsagents kiosk, a wholly unlikely art gallery and signs still pointing towards the "Metropolitan line". Negotiating all that lot, either above or below ground, takes at least two minutes from station to station. No fun with luggage, or a pushchair, or in pouring rain. The Bakerloo line station's gorgeous, especially the ticket hall with its green-glazed ticket windows. But with a judderingly slow lift journey still to go, this is a cross-London trek you're far better off not making.
Tube quiz (30) t-shirts
If you're looking for a Christmas present idea for the tubegeek in your life, and don't mind forking out a lot of money for a bit of white fabric, then you might consider ordering a personalised tube map t-shirt from the London Transport Museum website. Damned clever idea. You move a zoomable square around the tube map until it encloses the area you'd like to select. Then you decide whether you'd prefer a t-shirt, mug or mouse mat, and click 'create product'. The website shows you what it would look like and, should you be smitten, you can then buy it and go walking down the street with half the Victoria line on your chest. I shan't be splashing out myself, but I have had a go at creating something suitably quirky. Here's my Oxford Circus mug, here's my attempt at a more symbolic t-shirt, and here's something rather cleverer (not my idea, I'm afraid).
There used to be litter bins on tube stations, as can be deduced by anybody who visits the Bakerloo line platforms at Charing Cross. A rather splendid black and white mural of the Gunpowder Plotters was installed here 30 years ago, slap bang in the middle of which is a slot for the disposal of litter. Or at least there was. It's far too dangerous to permit such a useful facility today lest some evil passenger insert gelignite rather than an empty Ribena carton through the slot. And so the Ugly Squad have come along and bolted a featureless white rectangle over the hole, simultaneously preventing terrorism and wrecking the artwork underneath. This design aberration perfectly sums up the tube's litterbinlessness - "No you can't have a bin, and who cares how much of a mess is created as a result."
Let me illustrate this with an up-to-the-minute example of 'next train' indicator cretinousness, which is happening as we speak at Mile End station. The platforms at Mile End have been a complete dump for the last couple of years because they were mid-strip-out when Metronet collapsed and the tube upgrade programme ran out of money. Recently, finally, the station's modernisation has kicked off again, which appears to involve the construction of a suspended ceiling across the top of Mile End's cavernous platforms. It's unnervingly low, indeed so low that the ceiling is in some places lower than the top line of the existing 'next train' indicators. Which means that passengers arriving down the stairs onto the westbound Central line platform can no longer see where the next train is heading. The second train's fine, but not the first, because a metal bar at new-ceiling-height now blocks the view [enlarged photo]. Cretins, I tell you, absolute bloody cretins.
The blue shaded areas are the sections of each platform from which a 'next train' indicator can be seen. Maybe not easily, and maybe requiring a step to one side and a shuffle, but visible all the same. Good news, that's pretty much the entire length of the westbound District line platform, as well as most of the eastern half of the station (the end furthest away from the station entrance). But there's a long-term problem with the (yellow) 'Way out' signs, because they're positioned right up close to the four 'next train' indicators in the centre of each platform. They have to be there, it's Health and Safety, because everybody needs to know how to get out. But they act as an opaque shield to the destination information immediately behind, which means that the 'next train' can't be viewed from any of the areas I've shaded red. Bloody useless, but nothing new.
Took a while. I had to let five Central line trains go past before a "Woodford via Hainault" train finally rumbled along. I was taken on a circuitous route around the London borough of Redbridge, eventually rumbling across the M11 and over a river whose name you can probably guess. I was surprised that there were still as many as nine passengers in my particular tube carriage as Roding Valley station approached. But I wasn't surprised when the doors opened and I was the only person on the entire train to step out onto the platform.
Or maybe all the CCTV is a revenue protection scheme. Roding Valley is one of the few ungated stations on the tube network, meaning it's perfectly possible for the criminally-minded to slink in or out without waving an Oyster card. Instead the two entrances are protected by an enamel sign warning of a £50 penalty fare, which is a lot cheaper to install than a full-time member of staff. Incidentally these are also step-free entrances, recently enabled, meriting Roding Valley a rare wheelchair blob on the Central line tube diagram. Just be aware that it's not possible to wheel from one platform to the other via the footbridge - a 500m trek along local backstreets is required.
I needn't have worried. While I was snapping away the station manager popped over for a chat and was politeness personified. He said he'd seen somebody else taking photos of the tree-flanked platforms earlier, and wondered what the attraction was. He was also particularly keen to show me Roding Valley's unique front-of-station topiary - the hedge beside the bike rack that's been clipped and coerced into the shape of a steam locomotive. There's more than enough spare time inbetween trains for him to ensure its immaculate upkeep, and if I come back next year it might even have four new wheels. As head gardener he also maintains the station's hanging baskets, in season, and pointed out the three "second place" certificates displayed proudly on the station wall. Woodford's the local station to beat, apparently. Maybe next year.
Westminster (30); Brent (20); Camden (17); Hammersmith & Fulham, Hillingdon (15); Ealing (14); Barnet (13); Kensington & Chelsea (12); City of London (11); Harrow, Redbridge (10); Islington (9); Hounslow, Lambeth, Tower Hamlets [Essex] (8); Southwark (7); Haringey, Newham, Wandsworth (6); Barking & Dagenham, Merton, [Herts] (5); Enfield, Havering, Waltham Forest (4); [Bucks] (3); Hackney, Richmond (2); Greenwich, (1); Bexley, Bromley, Croydon, Kingston, Lewisham, Sutton (0)
Here's the Docklands chunk of the latest tube map. It's noticeably simpler than used to be the case, with no East London line replacement buses, a single-blob interchange at Canary Wharf and a slimmer-than-before curve through North Greenwich. But now this elegant layout and spacing are under threat. Look at the gaps through which the restored Thames has somehow got to weave its way. First between Rotherhithe and Wapping (squish), then bending sharply south to the left of Canary Wharf. From here it's all the way down to squeeze between Island Gardens and Cutty Sark, then all the way back up and over the top of North Greenwich before flowing right back down again. Tight fit indeed. There's always been an unwritten rule on the tube map that station names must never be written across the Thames, but I wonder if they'll have to break that this time. Or maybe those IoD DLR stations will have to be compressed even closer together... which would be far easier if (cough) all the blue accessibility blobs were removed from the map.
Time once again for diamond geezer to go totally tubular with another week devoted to the London Underground. Prepare for five days of quizzes, quirks, commentary and obscure statistics. Six years ago I looked at the busiest stations and journeys where it was quicker to walk. Five years ago I investigated tube line colours and the easiest interchanges. Four years ago I discussed overcrowding and precisely where the underground is underground. Three years ago I wrote about accessibility and why people never move down the platform. Two years ago I examined the agonies of Bank/Monument and taking your bike on the tube. And last year I spent the entire week wondering why 'next train' indicators are installed by cretins. I hope there's still something left to write about this year. Mind the doors.
