Apologies, but I am about to be hooked for ten days. Six celebrities and their egos shut away in a big house with only a few million viewers for company. It's all for charity, honest, and not merely a blatant attempt to boost Channel 4's disappointing ratings and rescue a few flagging careers. Let's hope someone else follows in Vanessa Feltz's footsteps and suffers a nervous breakdown live on air. I'll try not to go on about it too much, honest.
The six contestants: Goldie: Disappointingly this Goldie is the top drum 'n' bass DJ and not the Blue Peter dog that Simon Groom used to puppy-walk. Could get my vote, because he's a geezer with diamond teeth...
Anne Diamond: ... however, Anne has to be a Diamond Geezer's top choice. The smiling queen of daytime telly, she'll be right at home on the Big Brother sofa.
Sue Perkins: One half of comedy duo Mel and Sue, once loved by students for their Light Lunch, but since resigned to advertising sliced bread.
Melinda Messenger: Two-for-the-price-of-one, her appearance is clearly a shameless attempt to attract an audience of Sun-readers. Alas, being November, the outside jacuzzi and sun loungers are unlikely to be her location of choice.
Les Dennis: 100 people were asked 'Name someone who really gets on your nerves." In the absence of Bob Monkhouse and Max Bygraves, Les Dennis has made it into the Celebrity Big Brother house instead.
Mark Owen: Formerly 20% of top pop group Take That, he once sold a million love songs, but everything changes. Can this show relight his fire so he's back for good? Sure.