diamond geezer

 Thursday, June 23, 2005

sports news
summer edition

Welcome to sports news, the new number 1 online magazine for all your favourite summer sports. You know the ones. We have all the summer sports results you want, all the summer sports news you need and all the summer sports gossip you live for. Read on.

Apparently there's some cricket going on at the moment. You know, that game where men in white stand around for hours waiting for a small red ball to land in their general vicinity. I think maybe some teams based in distant county towns are playing each other, or maybe England are battling gamely against Johnny Foreigner, or maybe some six-a-side version has been invented for the benefit of modern audiences with attention deficit disorder, but quite frankly who cares? Who wants to watch indistinguishable men standing around in the middle of a big field for five days, particularly when the end result is very likely a draw. Cricket is possibly the most tedious game ever invented, and I'm delighted that most of it has been banished to Sky TV where I never ever have to watch any of it ever again.

GOLF Who cares?
FORMULA 1 Who cares?
Apparently there's some tennis going on at the moment. You know, that game in which hulking athletes repeatedly smash small bouncy balls across a net so that their opponent can't possibly reach them let alone return them. I think there's a big tournament on in SW London at the moment, because the BBC have wiped half their usual programmes off the screen in favour of a squad of white-clad barley water drinkers. Who wants to watch plucky Brits stumbling out of the competition in the early rounds while more skilful foreigners rally away untelevised on the outer courts? Tennis is possibly the most depressing game ever invented, and I'm delighted that it's completely ignored by the British public for fifty weeks a year.

Hang on a minute, shouldn't this scarily middle class sport be banished to the depths of winter on some mud-sodden pitch round the corner from a beery pub? Seemingly not at present because it seems there's a British squad working their way round Down Under, playing against obscure teams we've never even heard of and probably neither have they. But geography has come to our rescue, because the time difference between here and New Zealand means that all the matches are taking place while we're fast asleep. Sleeping through a rugby match comes as second nature to me.

Next season's fixtures are released today. Real sport returns in six weeks. Hang on in there.

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