Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Buncefield - a public health advisory
• Don't go to Hemel Hempstead (not that you were planning to anyway)
• Do keep all doors and windows firmly closed (assuming you have any doors and windows left, that is)
• Don't buy a house within 500m of a large oil terminal (because you'll end up living in a sports centre while lowlife loot your home)
• Don't store all your oil in giant tanks (because just one spark and they'll burn for days)
• Don't put all your giant oil tanks really close together (because just one spark and they'll burn for weeks)
• Don't bother taking photos of impressive cloud formations (because everybody else already has)
• Do shut up about how the blast woke you up at 6am (because the rest of us heard nothing and slept through it, OK?)
• Don't worry about global warming (because that big black cloud keeps the sun out and keeps temperatures down)
• Don't breathe in (because that smoke might be toxic, or carcinogenic, or something)
• Don't try leaving your house (because the nightmarish terror of an unseen health menace might be too much for you)
• Don't bother cleaning your car (because it'll be covered in soot within hours)
• Don't panic-buy petrol (not even now we've planted that irrational idea in your head)
• Do sell your car (because if there were fewer on the road there wouldn't have been so much petrol in that depot in the first place)
• Do please stop panicking (because breathing in car exhaust fumes will probably kill Britain far quicker)
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