BAKERLOO LINE: Minor delays are occurring due to a twat overheating and pressing the alarm button at Lambeth North.
Central
CENTRAL LINE: Good service (we recommend Holy Communion at St Paul's)
Circle
CIRCLE LINE: Suspended, under the Trade Descriptions Act, for being squashed and elongated.
District
DISTRICT LINE: Minor delays are occurring due to a misplaced apostrophe at St Jame's Park.
East London
EAST LONDON LINE: The line is closed to enable upgrade works to allow people in Croydon to travel to Dalston. Because that's a journey an awful lot of Croydoners want to make, obviously. A selection of inefficient underused replacement bus services operate.
Hammersmith & City
HAMMERSMITH AND CITY LINE: Severe architectural damage at Great Portland Street, and Aldgate East, and Mile End, courtesy of greedy Metronet shareholders.
Jubilee
JUBILEE LINE: Suspended between North Greenwich and Stratford, yet again, sorry. This is due to planned engineering works (probably twenty men standing around on the tracks in the Canning Town area pointing at things and drinking tea).
Metropolitan
METROPOLITAN LINE: Severe delays are occurring due to some idiot union leader getting a bee in his bonnet about something pathetic.
Northern
NORTHERN LINE: Suspended between Finchley Central and Mill Hill East (60ft above ground level on the Dollis Brook Viaduct). NORTHERN LINE: Miner delays at Colliers Wood.
Piccadilly
PICCADILLY LINE: Trains are over-hot, over-crowded, intermittent and uncomfortable. In other words, a normal service is operating.
Victoria
VICTORIA LINE: The Victoria line will close from 2200 on Monday to Thursday evenings for the foreseeable future while all our drivers knock off early and go down the pub.
Waterloo & City
WATERLOO AND CITY LINE: Oh who cares?
MONUMENT AND BANK STATIONS: Until summer 2009, we are pretending there is very limited interchange at Bank and Monument stations. This is due to a deliberate campaign of wanton patronising. You are strongly advised to travel miles out of your way, via alternative interchange stations, when in fact you could probably change trains here in minutes.
TRANSFORMING THE TUBE: Normal service will be resumed on all lines sometime in 2020, if you're lucky, although we probably still won't have finished upgrading the network by then.
