I'd like to apologise, in advance, for something I haven't said yet. I don't know what that something will be, nor precisely when I'll say it, but I apologise unreservedly anyway. My remark will be inappropriate, improper and ill thought-through. On reflection, once this outrage has been brought to my attention, I will publicly regret my verbal outburst. There can be no excuse for my upcoming offensive remark. It will be deemed totally unacceptable. I apologise.
I won't think my comment is offensive, of course. It'll be the sort of comment that slips easily from my lips. I'll think nothing of it, except perhaps that it's witty or clever or appropriate. I may not even notice I've said it. In particular, I won't be trying to be offensive. It won't be a deliberate attempt to be aggressive. I won't be thinking "blimey, I really hate the object of my unknowing insult". I'll not be deliberately vindictively hurtful. But it's not important what I think. What's important is how others react.
You probably won't think my comment is offensive either. You're a rational human being, and you can spot the difference between a light-hearted comment and naked spite. But somebody, somewhere, will take offence. Somebody will think my comment is aimed at them. Somebody will find my words deeply damaging. Their thin skin will be punctured, and I will become the object of their scorn and fury. That's all it takes these days, one pointed finger.
If somebody thinks my comment is offensive then it is, QED. I am therefore guilty, I am therefore to blame. Quick, start up a whispering campaign against me. Whip up a storm, beat your breasts, complain. I will be at fault, and the mob must have my blood. Others can then be as offensive as they like about me, because I was allegedly offensive first. Let rational thought be cast aside. Gasp, point, throw stones. Go on, I'll deserve it.
And please feel free to repeat my offensive comment so that even more people can be offended. Others won't realise quite how awful I am unless you tell them. Broadcast my words, spread them around, emphasise their horror... but only so that you can add your disgust at the end. Don't stop until the entire country knows how offensive I've been, and has had proper opportunity to be offended themselves. Magnify the blame, why don't you, until everyone hates me more than I ever hated one of them.
But why should I apologise, completely and unreservedly, for this offensive insult I haven't yet made? It won't have been heartfelt, nor even intentional, it'll just have been completely misinterpreted by shallow self-important killjoys. So maybe I should get my deliberate attack in first. I really, truly, deeply take offence at the self-righteous lynch-mob mentality which permeates our society today. I detest the blame culture that's enveloping our nation and its once tolerant attitudes. I loathe judgmental media crusades and savage newspaper vendettas. I am outraged by bitter citizens and smug sanctimonious bandwagon-jumpers. I despair at those who tut their way through life, one moan at a time, and drag the rest of us down into a vicious cycle of petty pointless repugnance. It's all your fault, you know, not mine. Go on, you apologise first.
