diamond geezer

 Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Dear Citizen,

The cuts are coming. It's inevitable. There is no alternative. There is no escape. But where, precisely?

Her Majesty's Government thinks it would be a jolly wheeze if you chose where the public spending axe should fall. Then our nation's imminent social carnage will be your fault, not ours, which sounds good to us.

So we intend to consult on the best way to make savings, and to offer up a selection of service options for imminent culling. Two choices, one of which we'll keep and one of which we'll sacrifice. Pick carefully. The choice, and the blame, are entirely yours.


Freeze benefits, because dole scroungers deserve nothing
Freeze pensioners, by ending winter fuel allowance

Raise VAT to 20%
Raise VAT to 40% (and 50% on Saturdays)

Axe middle class child benefit
Axe middle class firstborn

End final salary pensions, because why should other people have them if you can't?
Cut red tape for bankers, because the economy depends on private sector dynamism

Shut a large successful hospital 100 miles away
Shut a small ineffective hospital around the corner

Kill off Crossrail, because only losers take trains
Raise tax on petrol by 0.1p per litre

Shrink the wasteful Welfare State
Support Our Brave Heroes

Cut MP's salaries by 50%, and allow them to be sponsored by big business instead
Permit low-key advertising on Big Ben (for example a holographic screen on each clockface)

Raise the retirement age, because your 69th birthday is too far away to worry about
Install bunk beds in care homes

Turn the BBC into a charity, financed only by donations
Send Cuddles, the Downing Street kitten, to the vet be put down



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