A very special hello to everyone in Stratford, Hackney Wick and Bow. We're your new local football club. We're Westfield Ham.
You may remember us. We used to have a world-class team with such top names as Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst, and even won the FA Cup several times. We've not been quite so successful in recent years, but we're still terribly proud to be the newest member of Lidl League Division 1.
We used to be called West Ham in the old days, but we've rebranded. We've renamed ourselves after the big shopping mall down the road, the one with all the boutiques you locals can't afford to shop in. The Westfield Shopping Centre perfectly embodies all of our club's brand values, plus it gives our supporters' wives somewhere to go for two hours while each match is on.
We'd love to see you here at Upton Olympic Park. We're a bit worried that the majority of our 60,000 seats will be empty, to be honest, so we need as many local bums on seats as possible. Most of our old fans won't be following us up to Stratford because there are no pubs or burger vans anywhere near the stadium, and because the new place is at least three stations away from the old. We never thought they were real fans anyway.
So here's the timetable of events at our new home for the first few months. Do come visit. Westfield Ham for the win!
Saturday 9th August 2014: For the opening match of the season, we've been drawn away at Leyton Orient. That fixture-scheduling computer has a sense of humour, doesn't it?
Wednesday 13th August: Chas and Dave are the big draw at our last big stadium rock show of the summer. Lucky that Madonna pulled out at the last minute, we reckon. Tickets £75.
Sunday 17th August: Our first home match at the new stadium! And it's a stormer of a match against Hartlepool United. We've moved it to Sunday because we're convinced Sky Sports 7 HD will want to show it live.
Tuesday 19th August: Carlsberg Cup, first round, and it's Spurs! Which means Tottenham do get to play at the old Olympic Stadium after all, but on our terms. If any of their fans bother to turn up, we expect them to come armed with inflatable binoculars.
Thursday 21st - Monday 25th August: It's the Third Test, it's England against Bangladesh. We know that cricket matches always fill stadiums to the rafters, so best book early.
Saturday 30th August: If you fancy a bird's eye view of the home match against Torquay, why not book a table in our hospitality box at the top of the ArcelorMittal Orbit Tower (closed to the public matchdays).
Wednesday 3rd September: Practice night for the Carpenter's Estate Under-9s football squad.
Saturday 6th September: The GB Athletics Championships come to Stratford, honouring the pledge Seb Coe made to the IOC almost ten years ago. Tickets are £5 each. Please come. I mean, you all said you thought a track legacy was important. Now bloody well prove it by turning up and watching.
Thursday 11th September: Vice-Chairman Karren Brady brings the Apprentice hopefuls to Upton Olympic Park. Their challenge this week is to sell as many tickets as possible for Saturday's match against Macclesfield. Former Spurs' chairman Lord Sugar promises to stand on the touchline and smirk.
Saturday 13th September: Special Offer - buy any packet of crisps at Westfield and get five free seats for today's mid-table clash.
Sunday 21st September: Newham Community Open Day. Come on East London. You never got a chance to look inside the stadium during 2012 because the tickets were so expensive. Surely we can tempt you inside today for a free coffee and some volunteers handing out leaflets about debt management.
Wednesday 11th February 2015: It's damned bleak here in the middle of winter in the middle of a concrete park nobody visits. Darlington at home, 7.45pm, anyone? Anyone?
Yours welcomingly, Westfield Ham Hoping to be somebody's local team from 2014