A look ahead to London in 2014 Jan: 12 closed fire stations are promptly reopened as hostels for the flood of Bulgarian and Romanian migrants we're expecting any day now. Feb: Persistent fog closes London Heathrow for a fortnight, and the economy doesn't collapse, so the third runway is cancelled. Mar:London Live TV begins on channel 8. Most Londoners watch it for at least eight minutes before returning to non-local programming. Apr: The Duke of Edinburgh officially opens Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park while his wife recovers from a paper cut inflicted while opening her birthday cards. May: The Government drops HS2, but continues with plans to demolish large parts of Camden because it'll make lovely flats. Jun: The Mill Hill East branch of the Northern line is rebranded Branson's Finchley Flyer, running from Virgin Mill Hill East to Virgin Finchley Central over the "stratospheric" Dollis Brook Viaduct. Jul:Stage 3 of the Tour de France is diverted via the Bow Roundabout for extra challenge. Aug: The Notting Hill Carnival is forcibly relocated to Outer London as part of a continuing unspoken social plan. Sep: The borough of Bromley uses Scottish devolution as a diplomatic loophole to declare independence from London. Oct: Time Out drops its listings in favour of becoming a fashion and grooming bible (with the occasional cocktails pullout). Nov: Underground ticket offices are relaunched as McDonalds Coffee-u-like outlets (a clause in the lease forbids the selling of tickets, obviously) Dec: The New Year Fireworks at the London Eye are replaced by laser beams visible only on television, which saves a few bob.