In the event of an emergency engulfing the capital, it is essential that you are familiar with appropriate evacuation procedures. Were all transport links to fail, would you know the quickest way for you and your family to exit London on foot? Below is your personal evacuation route, created by computer according to three simple rules.
Identify the closest point on the Greater London perimeter.
Draw a straight line between your house and this point.
Plot a course following the most direct walking route.
Your closest exit point has been identified as:The Three Jolly Wheelers, 735 Chigwell Rd, Woodford Green IG8 8AS Distance: direct 6½ miles, on foot 7½ miles Estimated evacuation time: 2½ hours
1) From the BOW ROUNDABOUT proceed northeast all the way along STRATFORD HIGH STREET. Watch out for zombies and the agents of Satan.
2) You know this road well, so we won't go on about it.
3) At the RAILWAY TREE cross onto STRATFORD BROADWAY and walk past all the shops on the left hand side, including CLOSED DOWN FURNITURE SHOP and WILKINSONS.
4) Pass beneath the BLUE TOADSTOOL-LIKE SCULPTURES to enter THE GROVE. Beware of apocalyptic behaviour spilling out of THE GOOSE and THE GOLDEN GROVE.
5) Bear right and then left to follow LEYTONSTONE ROAD past POLISH SHOPS, MARYLAND STATION and THE TIME SPIRAL STATUE THAT USED TO BE OUTSIDE STRATFORD STATION.
6) The TESCO EXPRESS on your left may be the last chance to buy provisions. Beware looters.
7) Avoid the horrors of Central Leytonstone by turning right at EAST INK TATTOO into CANN HALL ROAD. Try not to worry that you've never been to this corner of WALTHAM FOREST before.
8) Do not stop for patties, salt fish and dumplings at BUTLER'S BAKERY (FAIL BAR). Pass immediately beneath the GOBLIN BRIDGE.
9) Continue onto WANSTEAD FLATS via LAKE HOUSE ROAD. Divert across the grassland if JUBILEE POND is in flood.
10) Clear sightlines across the open heath should permit you to watch CANARY WHARF and THE BASTIONS OF CAPITALISM ablaze in the distance. Hurry now.
11) You are now entering ALDERSBROOK. Turn left onto BLAKE HALL ROAD past the tennis club and the golf course.
12) Turn right between the gateposts of WANSTEAD HOUSE onto OVERTON DRIVE. It's too late now to think that this looks a nice place to live.
13) At THE CHURCH OF ST MARY THE VIRGIN either rush inside to pray for the salvation of humanity or fork left into LANGLEY DRIVE.
14) Follow REDBRIDGE LANE WEST east, passing the local high school, yet another golf course and some allotments.
15) If all hell has broken loose on the A12 you may need to swim beneath the dual carriageway via the RIVER RODING. Alternatively proceed with caution to the REDBRIDGE ROUNDABOUT and enter the subway to cross beneath the NORTH CIRCULAR.
16) Emerge beside REDBRIDGE STATION, where service is suspended due to impending Armageddon, and walk for approximately 50 metres along REDBRIDGE LANE EAST.
17) Turn left into RODING LANE, a convenient 2-mile-long throroughfare dating back to when all this was fields, which heads in precisely the right direction for escape from the capital.
18) Pass RODING LANE FREE CHURCH, RODING VALLEY PARK, the RODING LANE SOUTH PUMPING STATION, the RODING LANE SOUTH ELECTRICITY STATION and RODING HOSPITAL, because everything's called RODING SOMETHING out here.
19) Cross WOODFORD AVENUE via the subway. Don't be tempted to stop at the TOBY CARVERY for refreshment, but push on before the conflagration catches up with you.
20) Continue along RODING LANE NORTH. If it's Wednesday beware the MOBILE LIBRARY blocking the pavement.
21) Watch for the tower of CLAYBURY HOSPITAL on the ridge on the northern horizon. Pass RODING LANE CEMETERY, which is currently mostly empty but should be filling up soon.
22) Do not be tempted to hide from the marauding hordes in the wooded thickets of CLAYBURY PARK - there is no exit to the north because the residents of REPTON PARK (formerly CLAYBURY HOSPITAL) like to live in a gated community.
23) Descend past RODING PRIMARY SCHOOL to the CHIGWELL ROAD. They filmed The Only Way Is Essex here at DEUCE'S NIGHTCLUB, even though it's not quite in Essex. You may be happy to watch this former pub burn.
24) Fork left at the METROPOLITAN POLICE DOG TRAINING CENTRE, taking care to avoid any rabid hellhounds.
25) A short distance ahead is THE THREE JOLLY WHEELERS. This is the first building in Essex, and will therefore be completely safe from whatever cataclysm is currently afflicting London. Please wait here and wait for the refugee trucks to arrive.