diamond geezer

 Thursday, August 07, 2014

Two part-time job vacancies have become available.

Job title: Mayor of London
Job purpose: Strategic manager for the largest city in Western Europe
Accountable to: Nine million citizens approx
Part time equivalent: 0.5

Effective part-time start date: 6 August 2014
Official part-time start date: 8 May 2015
Retirement: 6 May 2016

Accountable for:
a) Blue-sky projects; Headline-grabbing fluff
b) Transport; pretend-transport; vanity-transport
c) Fictitious control over airport-sized chunks of Kent
d) Greenlighting skyscrapers; Reducing affordability coefficients
e) Erecting the occasional viewscreen in Trafalgar Square
f) Replacing Fire Stations with Free Schools
g) Bearing down on EU Air Quality Directives
h) Emptying the Long-term Policy Cupboard
i) Budget of £20bn

Person specification:
• Experience of working with, or on behalf of, the private sector
• Can articulate policy through a smokescreen of self-deprecating obfuscation
• Capability to sound convincing in the absence of substance
• Ability to hire skeleton-free Deputy Mayors to work on one's behalf
• Can pop into City Hall on Wednesday afternoons to check that everything's ticking over

Behavioural competencies: Amiability, Bluster, Bravado, Delegation, Japery, fluent Latin.

Please apply to: The Greater London Public, two years ago.
 Job title: Member of Parliament for Outer Suburbia
Job purpose: Backbench rallying-point
Accountable to: Self
Part time equivalent: 0.5

Official part-time start date: 8 May 2015
Full time job begins: 6 May 2016
Promotion pencilled in: 8 May 2020

Accountable for:
a) Weekly Daily Telegraph column
b) Making surreptitious anti-European speeches
c) Opening the South Ruislip church fete
d) Being made Shadow Minister for London
e) Occasional guest appearance on Have I Got News For You?
f) Destabilising the party with a cheery smile
g) Extending the cycle hire scheme to Hillingdon
h) Snarky yet witty Twitter feed followed by millions
i) Supporting the Leader of the Opposition unequivocally

Person specification
• Ability to bide one's time whilst manoeuvring carefully into position
• An unrelenting focus on career progression and advancement
• A background in bandwagon-riding would be advantageous
• Willingness to collect a second salary without flinching
• Relentless charm in the face of all obstacles and adversities

Behavioural competencies: Ambition, Buffoonery, Charisma, Oafishness, Oratory, Patience, Whiff Whaff.

Please apply to: The Membership and Social Committee, Uxbridge


<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>


click to return to the main page


...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
life viewed from london e3

email    twitter    G+

my flickr photostream