diamond geezer

 Thursday, August 07, 2014

Two part-time job vacancies have become available.

Job title: Mayor of London
Job purpose: Strategic manager for the largest city in Western Europe
Accountable to: Nine million citizens approx
Part time equivalent: 0.5

Effective part-time start date: 6 August 2014
Official part-time start date: 8 May 2015
Retirement: 6 May 2016

Accountable for:
a) Blue-sky projects; Headline-grabbing fluff
b) Transport; pretend-transport; vanity-transport
c) Fictitious control over airport-sized chunks of Kent
d) Greenlighting skyscrapers; Reducing affordability coefficients
e) Erecting the occasional viewscreen in Trafalgar Square
f) Replacing Fire Stations with Free Schools
g) Bearing down on EU Air Quality Directives
h) Emptying the Long-term Policy Cupboard
i) Budget of £20bn

Person specification:
• Experience of working with, or on behalf of, the private sector
• Can articulate policy through a smokescreen of self-deprecating obfuscation
• Capability to sound convincing in the absence of substance
• Ability to hire skeleton-free Deputy Mayors to work on one's behalf
• Can pop into City Hall on Wednesday afternoons to check that everything's ticking over

Behavioural competencies: Amiability, Bluster, Bravado, Delegation, Japery, fluent Latin.

Please apply to: The Greater London Public, two years ago.
 Job title: Member of Parliament for Outer Suburbia
Job purpose: Backbench rallying-point
Accountable to: Self
Part time equivalent: 0.5

Official part-time start date: 8 May 2015
Full time job begins: 6 May 2016
Promotion pencilled in: 8 May 2020

Accountable for:
a) Weekly Daily Telegraph column
b) Making surreptitious anti-European speeches
c) Opening the South Ruislip church fete
d) Being made Shadow Minister for London
e) Occasional guest appearance on Have I Got News For You?
f) Destabilising the party with a cheery smile
g) Extending the cycle hire scheme to Hillingdon
h) Snarky yet witty Twitter feed followed by millions
i) Supporting the Leader of the Opposition unequivocally

Person specification
• Ability to bide one's time whilst manoeuvring carefully into position
• An unrelenting focus on career progression and advancement
• A background in bandwagon-riding would be advantageous
• Willingness to collect a second salary without flinching
• Relentless charm in the face of all obstacles and adversities

Behavioural competencies: Ambition, Buffoonery, Charisma, Oafishness, Oratory, Patience, Whiff Whaff.

Please apply to: The Membership and Social Committee, Uxbridge

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