Schedule for President Donald Trump's State Visit (top secret)
Monday 3rd June 2019
09.00AM President and First Lady arrive Stansted Airport, Essex, United Kingdom 09.20AM Depart Stansted aboard Air Force Blue Thunder, accompanied by Budgie The Royal Helicopter 09.30AM Refuse to cross M25 until London turns off its 5G network 09.50AM Hover menacingly down the Lea Valley, looking for golf courses to purchase 10.00AM Drop bulk load of Freedom Leaflets over the Caliphate of Whitechapel 10.15AM President and First Lady arrive Buck House, London, United Kingdom 10.16AM HM Queen complains of a migraine, and leaves Charles and Camilla to it 10.45AM Inspection of guard of honour (try not to walk too fast this time) 11.30AM Very beautiful gun salute, most beautiful 12.30PM Lunch in State Dining Room - Big Macs and French Fries (Deliverooed from McDonalds) 01.00PM Glacially slow tour of Royal Art Collection, as punishment for requesting royal visit 03.00PM Excursion to Westminster Abbey to see the big windows, such excellent windows 04.30PM Tea at Clarence House with Charles and Camilla (second-best china) 05.10PM Refuse to listen to lecture on climate change, so leave early (in twelve-car motorcade) 05.30PM Stop by at the Trump Tower Hotel, formerly the Tower of London 06.30PM Secret visit to St Thomas' Hospital to sign contracts for the Trump Health Service 07.30PM Presidential cortège cunningly avoids inflatable blimp floating above Parliament Square 08.00PM State Banquet, dress code white tie/evening wear (baseball caps optional)
— Starter: Russian beetroot soup
— Main course: Mexican tortillas
— Dessert: Müller Light 09.30PM Speech of welcome performed by HM Queen via video link 09.31PM President to deliver rambling stream of paranoid contradictions 09.50PM Excruciating smalltalk and mingling 10.30PM Drive back to U.S. Ambassador's Residence in Regent's Park (avoiding Islamic no-go-zones)
Tuesday 4th June 2019
02.30AM Ivanka Trump still partying at Tiger Tiger 05.45AM Ivanka Trump rolled semi-conscious into armoured stretch limo 06.00AM President wakes early for his daily briefing from Fox News 06.01AM FBI on full alert in case WW3 is triggered by an incendiary tweet 07.00AM Presidential hairdresser arrives with three fluid ounces of glue 08.30AM Business breakfast at St James's Palace (No Deal will be assumed) 08.45AM Spend most of business breakfast discussing golf and redheads with Prince Andrew 09.30AM Arrive at 10 Downing Street for irrelevant talks with Imminently Ex Prime Minister May 10.00AM Break for Homes Under The Hammer 11.00AM Meet with PM Elect Boris Johnson to agree how to carve up the NHS under WTO rules 12.15PM Break for Bargain Hunt 01.00PM Joint news conference with President Elect Nigel Farage, then retire to pub for lunch 01.15PM First Lady and First Children head to Hamleys to buy the fourth floor 02.25PM Speaker confirms House of Commons is too busy to be interrupted by a presidential speech 02.30PMToday's Parliamentary business:
• Driving (Persons with Dementia)
• Wild Animals in Circuses (No. 2) Bill: remaining stages
• Debate on a Motion on The Mineworkers' Pension Scheme
• Transport in Hertfordshire 02.35PM Sneak off for a round of golf with Piers Morgan 04.40PM Tweet break
» Tweet announcing that the wall across Regent's Park is to be made permanent
» Tweet confirming NO COLLUSION!
» Tweet decrying Fake News Media for coverage of state visit so far
» Tweet contradicting all previous tweets 04.50PM ...and back to the golf 07.00PM One of the President's nuclear briefcases goes missing on the North Circular for ten minutes 08.00PM Dinner at the U.S. ambassador's residence (royals in attendance have been chosen by drawing lots) 08.30PM Grits, followed by chlorinated chicken, followed by treat-sized Hersheys 10.00PM Roulette and pole dancing 11.00PM Covfefe
Wednesday 5th June 2019
07.00AM Stash dressing gown with royal crest into suitcase 07.05AM Power nap 09.00AM Confirm that all the Trump children have returned from their overnight shenanigans 10.00AM Fly to Portsmouth, wherever the hell that is 11.00AM Escorted to Southsea Common inside soundproof Hummer 11.05PM Following mass roadside protests, decide to hit Hampshire with extra tariffs 11.30AM D-Day Ceremony is so private that local citizens can only watch it on big screens 11.50AM Introduced to some old guys who were in some war somewhere 12.10PM Say "It's just like the Edinburgh tattoo, but with more boats" 12.45PM Spectacular flypast of RAF aircraft (all for sale, for the right price) 12.50PM Tweet that some of the aircraft looked a bit old 12.55PM Tweet that America is definitely doing this next year, but bigger and better 01.00PM Queen bids a formal farewell to the President and the First Lady 01.02PM President and First Lady depart for Shannon Airport, Republic of Ireland 01.03PM Queen breathes sigh of relief and bans all further state visits by ignorant racists
