Next week the London Underground is 160 years old.
This is less exciting than the Underground being 150 years old because that was a proper anniversary, but also more historic because the network's an extra decade older.
Reassuringly TfL have chosen to celebrate on the correct date this year. Back in 2013 they were insistent that the anniversary was 9th January, the day the Metropolitan Railway's directors went for an inaugural ride and had a slap up banquet. This year they've reverted to 10th January, the day the railway opened to the public, which is both more egalitarian and the correct date according to every other historical record.
Backslapping posters are now popping up at every tube station incorporating a bespoke heart-shaped logo marking 160 Years of Service. A special slogan is being promoted - LOVE THE TUBE - in the hope that everybody will. Most excitingly TfL are promising to hold a series of events throughout 2023 "so we can celebrate our birthday with you". I've managed to get hold of the list of events in advance and am pleased to being you this exclusive breakdown of what's being planned.
LOVE THE TUBE - a series of 160th anniversary tube events throughout 2023
Tuesday 10th January 2023
• A special anniversary service operates - trains between Paddington and Farringdon only.
• For one day only, fares within a single zone capped at £1.60.
• Mayor visits Baker Street station to make speech full of earnest platitudes.
• First 160 customers through the barriers at Euston Square given free pin badge.
Wednesday 11th January 2023
• RMT celebrate the anniversary of the first tube strike by starting overtime ban.
January 2023
• Horse-drawn omnibuses to be used on this weekend's rail replacement services.
• A history poster on the platform at Chancery Lane gains a '160 years' sticker.
• Signalling upgrade brings Barking and Upney two seconds closer together.
• Display of historic uniforms opens in disused ticket office at Kilburn Park.
February 2023
• London Transport Museum launches range of overpriced anniversary fripperies.
• Mayor pledges to extend the Bakerloo line to Lewisham within the next 160 years.
• Pret A Manger launches at-seat buffet service on trains to Amersham & Chesham.
• Free travel on the 160 bus brings cheer to commuters between Catford and Sidcup.
March 2023
• Fare rise restricted to 160%.
• Queen Victoria lookalike rides the escalators at Hyde Park Corner.
• A fresh series of Fierce Vids on the Underground celebrates 160 years of the Tube.
• TfL claims renaming Knightsbridge as Hey Qatar! is fine because it's "just an anniversary celebration".
April 2023
• The Jubilee line goes Contactless only.
• Kensington Olympia branch celebrates with services running every 160 minutes.
• The anniversary tube map, sponsored by Uber, is a blank sheet of paper.
• TfL release a '160 Years ❤️ Roundel' AR-filter to spice up your TikTok content.
May 2023
• Victoria line introduces kebab-free carriages.
• Video of Stormzy performing hand gesture at North Greenwich scheduled to go viral.
• TfL show their commitment to sustainability by handing out one million free #LOVETHETUBE tote bags.
• Oxford Circus station given temporary rebrand by Paramount Plus drama which nobody will watch.
June 2023
• Tube introduces weekend timetables on Mondays and Fridays.
• The King and Queen Consort visit Arnos Grove to shake hands with apprentices.
• Prince Harry visits Cockfosters for photo opportunity alongside roundel.
• Stations on the Northern line extension renamed with emojis - 🏏🌊⚡🚉 and 🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳🌳
July 2023
• Third class carriages introduced on the District line.
• Tracey Emin unveils divisive artwork inside westbound lift at Osterley.
• Anniversary year peaks as @TfL account tweets photograph of dog wearing moquette waistcoat.
• Mayor announces disused stations will be added to the tube map "because it's not yet crowded enough".
August 2023
• A steam train operates on whichever farflung bit of track hasn't had its signalling upgraded yet.
• During hot weather passengers will only be allowed onto trains if carrying a bottle of water.
• TfL launch new range of flavoured water products in a variety of citrus flavours.
• Neasden Depot finally holds the Open Day promised in August 2013.
September 2023
• Kingston Council obtains injunction against #LOVETHETUBE festivities on the grounds there is 'nothing to celebrate'.
• Hammersmith & City line rebrands as the Maybel-line in a jaunty shade of magenta.
• Covent Garden station closes permanently to save money with the slogan "Just Walk It!"
• World Accordion Festival held on the anti-clockwise Circle line.
October 2023
• 4G introduced in tunnels between Hendon Central and Colindale.
• 1st annual TubeNerd convention held in shelter at Roding Valley.
• London Transport Museum Late event celebrates the contribution of left-handed asexual employees of Welsh heritage.
• Minister For Levelling Up insists the number of London Underground stations be cut to 160.
November 2023
• First class lounge opens at Green Park for exclusive use by Google Pay users.
• Special 'Tube Map for 2160' shows half the network lost to sea level rise.
• Commemorative artwork sprayed across the tunnels between Manor House and Turnpike Lane.
• Mayor of London divests control of the Hainault shuttle to Essex County Council.
December 2023
• Last day of operation for the Hainault Shuttle.
• As part of an art project, a pile of suitcases blocks one of the escalators at Piccadilly Circus.
• With the aid of 3000 LED bulbs, the Waterloo & City line opens as a Winter Lights Shuttle Experience.
• Survey confirms #LOVETHETUBE year has had an insignificant effect on the passenger experience.
