On Tuesday evening, without kicking a ball, Arsenal became this season's Premier League champions.
A draw at Bournemouth ended Man City's chances, gifting Arsenal their triumph, as hundreds of thousands of fans celebrated on the final whistle. They whooped, they grinned, they partied, and many of then were still partying many hours later. Whereas I merely had a tab open on my laptop, and after seeing the final score smiled and went back to what I was doing.
It's been 22 years since Arsenal last won the Premiership, a period which some would describe as 22 years of pain and which I would describe as "a very long time". During that period Arsenal have won the FA Cup five times and the Community Shield six, but apparently it's the Premiership which matters most so this latest triumph tops the lot.
I should be exhilarated and on cloud nine but instead I'm merely a bit pleased. And this is because, as previously described, I don't have sport empathy.
sport empathy (noun): the ability to understand and share feelings of others' sporting achievements
I don't get it. Sport is just a bunch of people competing against others. I can see why winning matters if you're one of those taking part, but I don't understand the rush of emotion that comes from supporting someone else. Your team wins, you cheer. Your team loses, you mope. Your team concedes a goal, you shout at the television as if somehow they can hear you. Your team wins the cup, you float on air. Your team is beaten three nil in the very next match, your world almost ends. Your team fights a scrappy no score draw, you spend an hour afterwards debating with mates what went wrong and what tactics the manager should have adopted, the idiot, what does he know? Armchair football is an endless rise and fall over which you have no personal control. I don't get any of that.
Same with tennis, I never get engrossed in a five set tie break thriller. Same with racing, I never pick a horse and cheer them on to the end. Same with golf, I have zero emotional connection to whoever can hit the ball least. Same with rugby, you'll never find me hanging on every Six Nations result like the world depends on it. Same with boxing, the outcome of the next hyped match is a personal irrelevance. And yet some people are capable of watching almost any sport, picking a side and becoming emotionally invested in the outcome. I can't do that because I have no sport empathy.
I should say I've been an Arsenal fan for 55 years and 13 days. I've been to watch a game and been for hardcore pints in the Tollington afterwards. I even have several photos of myself wearing a red and white scarf while standing beside the FA Cup. I have an interest in Arsenal I have in no other football club because they are, self-evidently, the best team. But I am not excited by them when they triumph, nor do I ever sink into unconscionable depression after they've produced ninety minutes of disappointment.
However I looked at what several fellow Arsenal fans were saying on social media after the Premiership victory, and they had very different thoughts:
» I can't believe it - best feeling ever!
» I’m finding it hard to express how happy I am...
» This has made me cry. Amazing.
» It’s an ecstasy. A joy. A release.
» CHAMPIONS AGAIN OLÉ OLÉ
One even wrote about healing "the scars and wounds of three successive second place finishes", whereas viewed objectively being the second best team in England three years running is really bloody good. I mean, how can this run from 2004 to 2026 be seen as disastrous?
I'm not trying to claim that any particular approach to sport empathy is better, or indeed normal, just observing that a broad church exists. Some get passionate about sport and some don't, and it often feels like the former outnumber the latter. This seems especially evident when a significant sporting event is underway, for example the hype across the country when the World Cup is on, the collective national frisson when the Olympic medal table is updated or the widespread interest in the London Marathon, even for the also-rans.
Which made me wonder, is there perhaps a sliding scale for sport empathy? And could it look like this?
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Imagine a sport you're really interested in and how you feel when a competitor does really well, or really badly. That should help narrow down your position on the 10-point sport empathy scale. It could be your reaction to a Wimbledon Final, could be watching the Tour de France, could be the closing overs of a test match, could be an away match at Grimsby on a midweek evening. If sport ever makes your heart beat faster you're probably on the right hand side. If no sport gets your pulse racing you're probably on the left.
I can't be a zero because I am at least interested in sporting outcomes, but my indifference to success probably makes me 1 or 2. Meanwhile the Arsenal fans I saw partying round the Emirates have demonstrated their 10-ness, this because when the most ecstatic event actually happened they embraced every emotion on offer.
A particular aspect of high sports empathy is the ability to become engrossed in any sport, not just one you normally watch. Some people can switch on Sky Sports 3 and be cheering for one side or the other within ten minutes. They, I'd say, have sport empathy in spades.
I don't know what it is in a personality that allows you to latch on to sporting achievement, and likewise those who get regularly excitable probably don't understand why I can't. And not just sporting achievement either, bear with me...
Is there also perhaps a sliding scale for religious fervour? And could it look the same?
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Some people believe things to the core, totally swept along by the religion of their choice. Others have a strong faith but keep it more to themselves, and others just don't have it in them to believe in a higher state at all. I think I'm 1 or 2 on this scale too, having never 'got' religion despite being exposed to quite a lot of it.
I wonder if the same scale could be applied to political enthusiasm too. It's not about having strong political beliefs, it's about how emotional they make you, so for example when they announce the exit poll at the General Election do you resign yourself or do you explode.
I think I'm 1 or 2 on this scale too, whereas most of the folk on those marches in central London last weekend were the 9s and 10s. I have a theory that elections are often swung by the 8s, 9s and 10s because they have the ability to pick a side, often based on limited evidence, and then cheer them blindly on. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking this.
Whatever, some of us are hardwired to be emotionally enthused and some of us aren't. How much of society that explains is debatable, but you can see it clearly in fans' reactions to Arsenal's latest triumph, from muted indifference to unbridled passion.
On Tuesday evening, without kicking a ball, Arsenal became this season's Premier League champions.
