You know that sinking feeling you get when you wake up and find that only one nostril is working? Getting that. posted by diamond geezer [7:11 AM Feb 7th]
It suddenly strikes me that, one day in the hopefully far-distant future, I'm not going to be able to reach down to cut my toenails. posted by diamond geezer [8:40 AM Feb 7th]
Attempting not to sneeze over the fat posh bloke in a Barbour on the DLR. Nearly managed, but... atchoo! (sorry) posted by diamond geezer [9:56 AM Feb 7th]
Blimey, there are more contours in Forest Hill than the whole of East London put together. posted by diamond geezer [10:33 AM Feb 7th]
Pulsating jellyfish! I appear to be the only adult at the Horniman without a privately-educated toddler in tow. http://tinyurl.com/apgkpk posted by diamond geezer [11:21 AM Feb 7th]
Visiting a Museum beginning with C (because that's next), only to find that it's shut, just like it was when I turned up last month. Sigh. posted by diamond geezer [12:17 PM Feb 7th]
OK then, don't let me join your library, see if I care. It's full of tramps reading newspapers and women eating smelly McChips anyway. posted by diamond geezer [1:42 PM Feb 7th]
Clapham Common is all green again, apart from a fairly dense scattering of snowman-torso-sized lumps. http://tinyurl.com/dxo7hn posted by diamond geezer [2:29 PM Feb 7th]
Wondering why the programme sellers outside Stamford Bridge are still attempting to sell programmes when everyone's obviously inside by now. posted by diamond geezer [3:40 PM Feb 7th]
The automated female announcer at King's Cross tube station is almost, but not quite, as annoying as her colonial-robot-style male counterpart. posted by diamond geezer [4:13 PM Feb 7th]
The entire piazza outside the British Library has been taped off because "the surface may be slippery", which it blatantly no longer is. posted by diamond geezer [4:25 PM Feb 7th]
Pointing out to a supermarket assistant at St Pancras station that several of their battered cod fillets are out of date. posted by diamond geezer [5:01 PM Feb 7th]
Filling my third handkerchief of the day (and not in a good way) (actually, I'm not sure there is a good way) posted by diamond geezer [6:38 PM Feb 7th]
Why buy the new Pet Shop Boys single in 5 weeks time when you can listen to it repeatedly now for free on YouTube? http://tinyurl.com/cvc8rq posted by diamond geezer [7:26 PM Feb 7th]
Enjoying a VAT-reduced M&S chocolate teacake (mmm, definitely a cake, not a biscuit). posted by diamond geezer [7:55 PM Feb 7th]
Maybe if I go out for the evening I can get away without turning my heating on. posted by diamond geezer [8:41 PM Feb 7th]
Misery is... the final two people to enter the darkened cinema making a beeline for the two spare seats immediately beside you. posted by diamond geezer [9:59 PM Feb 7th]
Slumdog Millionaire: there's a clue in the title [spoiler] posted by diamond geezer [11:27 PM Feb 7th]
Noting, with a mixture of relief and disappointment, that the Mystery Count could easily have increased today, but didn't. posted by diamond geezer [11:59 PM Feb 7th]
I'd like to apologise, in advance, for something I haven't said yet. I don't know what that something will be, nor precisely when I'll say it, but I apologise unreservedly anyway. My remark will be inappropriate, improper and ill thought-through. On reflection, once this outrage has been brought to my attention, I will publicly regret my verbal outburst. There can be no excuse for my upcoming offensive remark. It will be deemed totally unacceptable. I apologise.
I won't think my comment is offensive, of course. It'll be the sort of comment that slips easily from my lips. I'll think nothing of it, except perhaps that it's witty or clever or appropriate. I may not even notice I've said it. In particular, I won't be trying to be offensive. It won't be a deliberate attempt to be aggressive. I won't be thinking "blimey, I really hate the object of my unknowing insult". I'll not be deliberately vindictively hurtful. But it's not important what I think. What's important is how others react.
You probably won't think my comment is offensive either. You're a rational human being, and you can spot the difference between a light-hearted comment and naked spite. But somebody, somewhere, will take offence. Somebody will think my comment is aimed at them. Somebody will find my words deeply damaging. Their thin skin will be punctured, and I will become the object of their scorn and fury. That's all it takes these days, one pointed finger.
If somebody thinks my comment is offensive then it is, QED. I am therefore guilty, I am therefore to blame. Quick, start up a whispering campaign against me. Whip up a storm, beat your breasts, complain. I will be at fault, and the mob must have my blood. Others can then be as offensive as they like about me, because I was allegedly offensive first. Let rational thought be cast aside. Gasp, point, throw stones. Go on, I'll deserve it.
And please feel free to repeat my offensive comment so that even more people can be offended. Others won't realise quite how awful I am unless you tell them. Broadcast my words, spread them around, emphasise their horror... but only so that you can add your disgust at the end. Don't stop until the entire country knows how offensive I've been, and has had proper opportunity to be offended themselves. Magnify the blame, why don't you, until everyone hates me more than I ever hated one of them.
But why should I apologise, completely and unreservedly, for this offensive insult I haven't yet made? It won't have been heartfelt, nor even intentional, it'll just have been completely misinterpreted by shallow self-important killjoys. So maybe I should get my deliberate attack in first. I really, truly, deeply take offence at the self-righteous lynch-mob mentality which permeates our society today. I detest the blame culture that's enveloping our nation and its once tolerant attitudes. I loathe judgmental media crusades and savage newspaper vendettas. I am outraged by bitter citizens and smug sanctimonious bandwagon-jumpers. I despair at those who tut their way through life, one moan at a time, and drag the rest of us down into a vicious cycle of petty pointless repugnance. It's all your fault, you know, not mine. Go on, you apologise first.
