On Tuesday evening, while you were travelling home (and I was sitting in the bowels of the London Transport Museum), tube bosses took part in a live online Question Time. Members of the public sent in questions, and top brass answered. Detailed sensible answers in most cases, even when the questions were way off the mark.
"Hello, I wanted to ask why so many tube stations do not have lifts? I dont think its right in this day and age. Every other tube/metro/train station in most countries have them -e.g. in Paris France and in San Francisco, California, USA. It makes it so hard for elderly customers and those who cant manage escalators very well. When can we expect to see lifts or at least more stairs at EVERY station? I hate the escalators -theyre often crowded, and feel dangerous as theyre so steep/big. [Asked by DiVa]
If you've ever wondered when the upgrade at Earl's Court will be finished (#24), or why more trains go to Hainault than Epping (#10), or why the Northern line's filthy (#45), you'll find the answers here.
Casually tossed into the discussion are two potentially important announcements about splitting lines. There's long been talk that the Northern line might be dividedin two, with all trains from High Barnet heading along the City branch to Morden and all trains from Edgware heading via Charing Cross to Kennington. This is strongly hinted at in Answer #44, but only during rush hours and only against the flow. And not until at least 2017, apparently, because there isn't the technology or money before that.
Answer: We have developed a service proposal that would operate an even split of services from High Barnet (or Edgware) to both City and Charing Cross branches in the morning peak, but with all northbound (ie contra-flow) services split so that all services from the City would go to High Barnet. This pattern would reverse in the evening.
But the really interesting suggestion is in Answer #69. It's to do with long-standingplans regarding the Circle line, which is undoubtedly the rubbishest underground line of all. It looks so tempting on the map, but in reality the trains are only scheduled to run every eight or nine minutes. The Circle also shares its tracks with too many other sub-surface lines, so services are often late, or slow, or cancelled. Alas there's no easy way to improve things, not without undertaking a radical overhaul of precisely where the Circle line actually runs. Not without splitting the Circle. And, it appears, this might be happening in just 12 months time...
I have a problem with the interaction of the trains at Edgeware Road circle, district, H&C. [Asked by Dan] We're currently looking at the possibility of introducing a change to the service pattern in December 2009 which would help to address some of the issues that you describe.
The plans, as I understand them, are as follows. Only the Circle line will be tweaked. The trains won't go round in circles, they'll start and finish. One end of the line will be Hammersmith. Trains will shadow the Hammersmith & City line between here and Paddington, doubling the frequency of the service. Then they'll pull into Edgware Road (platform 1) before heading on a big loop all the way round the existing Circle line to Edgware Road (platform 2). And here they'll stop. And then they'll go all the way back round the loop again, via Edgware Road (platform 4) to Hammersmith. That's going to be fun explaining to tourists, isn't it? There's an informative map here, courtesy of London Connections (and a bloody useless map here, courtesy of the thelondonpaper).
The upshot of these changes is that it won't be possible to travel from Baker Street round to Notting Hill Gate without changing trains. At the moment you can take the Circle line, but in the future you'll have to get out at Edgware Road and wait for another train. Travelling through Edgware Road makes me shudder at the best of times, and it can only get worse. Meanwhile, what of those attempting to travel to Paddington? Every train approaching from the south will end up at the main underground station, but every train approaching from King's Cross will end up at the overcrowded H&C station at the wrong end of platform 8. Not fun for a quick exit, especially in the rush hour. And you can just imagine what a mess the tube map might look like around here in 12 months time.
Just to confuse people, the newly-unlooped line will still be called the Circle line. The Yo-Yo line might have been more appropriate, or the Spiral, or (a long established nickname, this) the Teacup. Hell, it could even have been called the Hammersmith & Circle, but no. Meanwhile the existing Hammersmith & City line will also keep its current name, despite the fact that it only runs through three City stations whereas the new line will run through nine. Please, this is not about logic, it's about creating a more regular service.
Answer: There is a long-standing proposal to change the service pattern on the Circle line - this would allow the full capacity and reliability benefits of the new trains that will be introduced from 2011, and the signalling upgrade that will be carried out thereafter, to be realised. While this is still under consideration, please accept my assurance that we are doing our best to improve the service for our customers.
There you go, it'll all be for the best, honest. But be warned, the circular Circle line might not see out the decade.
You know Simon Patterson, I go on about him toooften, he's an artist, he did that "Great Bear" poster, the one where he replaced all the stations on the tube map with famous people's names, back when that was still an original thing to do, made him famous, has done lots of other stuff, the boy I went to school with, we had the same art teacher, you know, that Simon Patterson
and about 40 of us turned up to hear him speak.
There's a theatre hidden underneath the London Transport Museum, you wouldn't know, through a glass gate opposite the entrance, down some stairs, big open space at the bottom, ring of chairs in it, that's where the first people sat down, more people joined them and grabbed the best seats, turned out it was only the foyer, the real theatre's through some big doors, bit embarrassing that.
Simon was introduced by Oliver Green, the Museum's head curator, who said some intelligent effusive things and then dashed off to another engagement. And then the talk proper, in which Simon discussed some of his many and varied works.
It's strange innit, someone you went to school with, standing up in front of you talking about their life, and all that they've done, and they've clearly been very successful, and they're artistically "recognised", projects in so many countries, and they speak about it all eloquently, and you think "I could have done that", except you couldn't, and good luck to him.
Of course the piece that most people were interested in was The Great Bear, and Simon described its evolution.
The Great Bear was one of those "wouldn't it be a good idea..." ideas, a spark of inspiration, conceived and created in a squat off Tottenham Court Road. Took decision to seek official permission from London Transport, not just rip off their copyright, so took ages to get agreement, turned out to be well worth it, also meant that the fake map was put together by LT's proper lithographers using cutting edge early 90s computer technology, so the finished poster had credibility. The names on each line had a theme, for example footballers on the Jubilee, or Chinese dissidents on the DLR (out east), or saints in alphabetical order on the Piccadilly. As for the interchange stations, there was no deliberate attempt to find a clever name which matched all the lines meeting there, although Gary Lineker is both a footballer and a saint, that was intentional. The map may be static but it continues to evolve, people's perceptions change, for example if famous comedians die, or when Pluto was declassified as a planet. The Great Bear was first exhibited at the Hayward Gallery, nearly didn't make it into the show, the rest is history.
Simon then skipped through many of his other artistic projects, especially those with a transport bent, although the laptop and projector technology didn't always work smoothly.
"Is the there any way to focus this one?" "Can you sort the focus out?" "Have you tried the auto focus?" "Sorry about the focus everyone"
(it's always the same isn't it, you spend ages putting together a presentation, proper multimedia and everything, sweated buckets over it, then the technology let's you down, just fails, or goes fuzzy or malfunctions or something, totally outside your control, have to make the best of a bad thing, it's so annoying)
"Can you turn the slideshow off so I can show a DVD" "I don't want to show both simultaneously, it looks awful" "I said turn off the slides, not the DVD" "Mr Projectionist, hello?"
A lot of Simon's work is graphically based, or three dimensional, or quite possibly both, he's really very hard to pigeonhole.
One final look at a project he's been asked to do in France, commemorating Wilfred Owen's last resting place, and then off.
Bit of a rush at the end, missed out a few planned slides, overran by nearly half an hour, nobody minded, fascinating stuff, should have paid more attention in art lessons.
Further events to follow at the LT Museum next year if you're interested.
I SPY LONDON the definitive DG guide to London's sights-worth-seeing Part 25:The Museum of the Order of St John
Location: St John's Gate, St John's Lane EC1M 4DA [map] Open: 10am - 5pm (until 4pm Saturday, closed Sunday) Guided tours: Tue, Fri & Sat (11am and 2:30pm) Admission: free (suggested donation for tours, £5) 5-word summary: HQ for hospitable medieval knights Website:www.sja.org.uk/museum Time to set aside: two hours
You've no doubt heard of the St John Ambulance, you may even have been put back together by them. But you may not be aware of the Knights of St John, a noble order of medieval crusaders, and the peculiar history that links them to today's armband-wearing first-aiders. A small museum up an arched Clerkenwell sidestreet aims to put that right.
The order dates back to 12th century Jerusalem, established to protect the Holy Land from invaders. Because the St John's crew set up a hospital they became known as the Knights Hospitaller, as opposed to the better known (but less long lived) Knights Templar. After the Crusades were lost the Order of St John retreated to bases on Rhodes and Malta, and in the 1500s set up their English Priory in Clerkenwell. Theirs was the last monastery to be dissolved by Henry VIII, but the gatehouselingered on in a variety of guises and its arch still spans St John's Lane to this day. The surrounding buildings, mostly Victorian reproductions, are now used by the St John Ambulance as their London HQ. And the eight-pointed Order of St John are going strong too, reinvented by Queen Victoria as a Royal Order of Chivalry with a mission to spread Western medical practice to the empire.
As museums go, this one's woefully overlooked. They claim to get 14000 visitors a year, but I suspect many of these are Dan Brown fans who've got their Knights mixed up. When I turned up I was the only visitor, or at least the only person to stay for more than five minutes. I snooped around the three free ground floor exhibitions while I waited for the afternoon tour to begin. One room uses glass cases full of medals and armour (and other stuff) to attempt to tell the story of the Knights of St John. Another smaller room is devoted, slightly more successfully, to the history of the gatehouse and priory. And a third more modern space forms a museum for the St John Ambulance, focusing on the lives of volunteers worldwide who've devoted so much of their spare time to mopping up and making better.
Eventually I was led off on my solo tour. Had I'd not turned up my guide could have taken the afternoon off and gone home with a Lemsip, but instead she led me up the fairly ordinary stairs to... woo, an extraordinary wood-panelled Chapter Hall. It had stained glass windows, chandeliers, the lot - all convincingly ancient until I was told it was an expensive Victorian fake. Then across into the small gatehouse room perched above the middle of the road. In its time this has been the room in which Shakespeare's plays were licenced, the editorial base for Britain's first magazine, a coffee shop owned by Hogarth's father, and the upper room of a pub called the Jerusalem Tavern. Standing here was wonderfully atmospheric, at least until the revelation that the space is now used for committee meetings which dulled the feeling somewhat. We exited down a marvellous Tudor wooden spiral staircase in the gatehouse tower opposite, and then out into the street.
Part 2 of the tour was on the other side of the busy Clerkenwell Road, which didn't exist when the original Priory was here. This is where Clerkenwell's first church used to be, and the outline of its circular nave is still etched into the cobbles outside the ModernPantry restaurant. A not quite-so-old church on the same site was completely destroyed by a direct hit from the Luftwaffe, so the Grand Priory Church here today is an austere post-war cuboid, brightened only by St John's banners hanging from the whitewashed walls. But there's a secret space down below, visible to the public only on tours such as these. It's the original 12th century crypt, perfectly preserved beneath solid foundations, and still used for communions and christenings. It's enchanting down beneath the low ancient arches, a proper step back into the medieval past with an appropriately reverential ambience. And various plaques on the wall of the east transept remind visitors of the site's true meaning, to commemorate the selfless service of millions supporting the weak and needy. by tube: Farringdonby bus: 55, 243
A quick message to everyone who uses Haloscan comments (which would be me, and a lot of your blogs, and everybody who comments here). You may not have noticed, but Haloscan commenting is about to change, big time, within the next few weeks. Steel yourself.
Haloscan's been my comment system of choice since 2002. Blogger didn't have commenting functionality back then, so early adopters had to make do with adding third party pop-ups. I liked Haloscan's simplicity, plus the fact commenters didn't need to log in or anything complicated. The system was fairly resilient, if not always perfect. Haloscan still has an annoying habit of pretending that comments more than 4 months old don't exist, even though they're all still there if you click on comments (0). Try contacting Haloscan's owners for a response, especially in more recent years, and you met with a wall of deafening silence. But, overall, their service is straight forward and it works and I'm happy with that. Maybe not for much longer.
Back in January, Haloscan "partnered" with up-and-coming web business JS-Kit. That partnership lasted until July, when JS-Kit suddenly acquired the lot. They snapped up the entire user-base, back comments and all, and promised a bright new more stable future. I wasn't entirely comforted when I read sentences like "JS-Kit empowers publishers by delivering must-have features, promoting rich interactivity and building community and customer knowledge" but so far I've had no worries. Until I read this.
"We are making it dead simple for you to upgrade your comment service to JS-Kit Comments and keep all your old comments! When we're done, HaloScan users will have a brand new data center that will be much faster and more reliable than the old HaloScan systems. HaloScan users will also get 12 engineers writing new features and improving the user experience."
It was all sounding so good until those last four words.
What will change after I upgrade? • All new comment threads will use the new JS-Kit comment system (hmm) • All your existing Haloscan Comments will progressively convert to JS-Kit Comments over the next few months (eek) • JS-Kit has different templates, including a "Haloscan Classic" which looks like the current HaloScan skin. (ahh) • You will start moderating your comments from the JS-Kit Administrator Dashboard (ulp) • No more loss of comment data after 4 months (hurrah) • Free for everyone under 25,000 impressions per month (fingers crossed) • New complimentary widgets such as ratings, polls, navigator, and more to come (tremble)
The word "threads" has me worried, because I hate the complexity of threaded comments. Hopefully that's a switch-off-able function. The conversion of past comments has me nervous, because not every comment written with the old system in mind will look right in a new skin. And there are rumblings about changes to comment moderation features (i.e. editing and deleting comments) that have me unnerved. I might be less concerned if I could see precisely what the future might look like, but so far I've failed to locate a single existing website that's already using JS-Kit pop-up commenting. Instead I have to make do with an example of in-page commenting, kindly offered by JS-Kit for reassurance purposes, which has actually worried me more than anything else they've said.
And then there's this.
"Users who choose not to upgrade right away will be auto-upgraded over the next couple of months. We will be upgrading remaining users in batches. Each batch will be notified via email before a migration occurs. The default settings will be applied to your new JS-Kit Comment."
So it's happening whether we like it or not, and it's happening soon. Better get used to the idea, then. I know I'm change averse, and I don't like change for change's sake. I know that the new systemmight turn out to be a lot more resilient and responsive. I'm reassured that JS-Kit appear to be going out of their way to provide detailed upgrade information, in advance. I'm sure owner Khris will tell me not to worry. But I remain concerned that the new system might be a bit too clever, too fiddly, too 2.0, when all I really want is a simple way for commenters to write text in a box. Be prepared, the interactive future is on its way, and it's unstoppable.
London in pictures(click thumbnails for full versions)
The Olympic stadium continues to take shape. The lower level of the stadium bowl is now pretty much in place, along with about a quarter of the steel raking needed to support the detachable upper tier seating. Still three clear years to go before the world arrives to watch fit athletes, but it's now perfectly possible to imagine where they're going to sit. Meanwhile the pylons that used to run across the edge of the stadium site have all been dismantled, as promised, leaving a skyscape of twizzling tower cranes. It's damned impressive stuff, which might explain why there were so many ramblers and cyclists staring at it from the Greenway bridge yesterday. Me, I was fascinated by the ever increasing number of health and safety signs erected across the muddy building site around the perimeter. And amused to spot a newly-arrived burger van parked up beside a sign saying "Primary Foul Drainage". And quite sad remembering that there used be several trees here, and now there are none anywhere in sight.
Yesterday was Shop Weekend VIP Day in Oxford Street and Regent Street - an annual excuse to ban all vehicles and thereby cause major tailbacks on all surrounding streets. The perfect event for anyone who wanted to go Christmas shopping in stores considerably more crowded than usual whilst being accosted by face-painting elves and Sally Army trombonists. Which appeared to be hundreds of thousands of people, some of whom actually ended up carrying shopping bags. It was hard to walk far without some minion from sponsors Visa thrusting an advert in your face, and there were rather a lot of Nokia pluggers on the loose too. Most fun, however, was the singing nun scooting up and down the street sat on a mobile piano. This wimpled bloke turned heads wherever she went, singing carols and winsome ditties with a knowing wink, then accelerating off to perturb some unsuspecting audience further down the street. You can hireSister Ruth for your own "mix and mingle" event should you have £630 to spare. If not, I'm sure she'll be back again warbling on wheels in Oxford Street next year.
Have you ever seen a more pretentious sign than this? It's affixed to a wall round the back of 100 New Bridge Street in the City of London, and repeated several times in case you don't get the message straight away. The wall in question is blessed by 23 large mottled stonewaretilepanels, each with different Escher-like patterns designed by potter Rupert Spira. They're rather pretty geometric designs, and well worth protecting, but not something you'd expect a company to get quite this uppity about. I can only imagine that they've had serious trouble in the past with careless bikers leaving their vehicles in close proximity, and have undergone some sort of humour bypass in the process. This inflated sense of self-worth was confirmed when a security guard exited the building, walked round to the rear and asked me why I was taking photographs of his wall. I told him that I'd found the sign particularly amusing, which didn't seem to amuse him and he asked me the same question three more times. I resisted telling him that he was a miserable tosser, and that his company was clearly full of miserable tossers, because I didn't think that would be helpful. He then told me, quite firmly, that the company don't like people taking photographs of their building, which made me wonder why they don't have a patronising sign about that on their wall too. Eventually he let me go, thankfully without insisting I forfeit my memory card or grovel at his feet or sign a written apology. I walked away rattled and disheartened. The wall's in Waithman Street in case you want to avoid the area completely. Or in case you have a motorbike and ever fancy travelling out of your way to park it somewhere really annoying.
The 500-and somethings are two special commuter-friendly people-carriers operating out of Waterloo, and they'll be replaced by souped-up single deckers next June. As for the 38, the ultimate Hackney carriage, that'll be getting double-deckered in November. Alas the new 38s won't be Routemasters, not like they used to be, they'll just be ordinary red accessible boxes on wheels. Still, it's gotta be good hasn't it, getting rid of evilkillerbendybuses? So long as there's sufficient room inside their replacements for everyone to fit on board, that is. Boris has attempted to be reassuring...
The press release kindly includes full details of bus frequencies at different times of the week, which is helpful because it'll help me to check TfL's capacity argument.
Let's see whether the good people of Hackney are going to be able to cram into their 38s in the future, or not. Starting with the morning rush hour.
Route 38, weekday morning rush hour
Bendy buses Dec 2008
Double deckers Nov 2009
Buses per hour
20 bendy buses
28 double deckers
Gap between buses
3 minutes
2 min 10s
Seats per hour
980 seats
1820 seats
Capacity per hour
2980 people
2380 people
Equivalent service
35 double deckers
16 bendy buses
So, in the post-bendy morning peak there'll be more buses more often. Currently there's a three minute gap between buses, and in the future that'll be more like two. Which is excellent... so long as the buses aren't full. Looks promising, because there'll also be a lot more seats available. Each double decker has 16 more seats than each bendy, and that means almost twice as many places to sit down in the new Boris future. Hurrah!
But there is a downside. You can cram huge numbers of people onto a bendy, but you can't get many extras onto a double decker before the gangways clog. Standing on a crowded bendy bus may be really unpleasant, but at least you get to work. And it appears that Boris hasn't quite funded sufficient double deckers to match previous bendy capacity. Net result, this time next year 600 fewer people per hour will be able to ride the 38 from Clapton Pond into town. Boris's replacement double decker service is the equivalent of only 16 bendies per hour, not the existing 20. Rather than delivering 28 double deckers an hour, Boris ought to be promising 35.
Route 38, Sunday afternoon
Bendy buses Dec 2008
Double deckers Nov 2009
Buses per hour
10 bendy buses
12 double deckers
Gap between buses
6 minutes
5 minutes
Seats per hour
490 seats
780 seats
Capacity per hour
1490 people
1020 people
Equivalent service
17½ double deckers
7 bendy buses
On a Sunday afternoon, things are different. The 38 isn't usually packed, often barely half full, and that means the number of seats is more important than the amount of standing room. Good news, the buses will come more frequently, and you're much more likely to find somewhere to sit down. It's a "win win" on a Sunday afternoon, by the looks of it. At least until Monday morning comes round, when Boris's newly de-bendied 38 will leave hundreds of Hackney residents by the roadside. And all at a cost of £3m extra per year. Hmmm. But that's the price of fulfilling an election promise - for some, a worse service.
Every life has its turning-point weeks. The first week of December 1998 was one of my biggest...
I've only ever had four jobs in my life. Ten years ago I'd been in Job 2 for ages and was looking to move on. There were two outstanding contenders - Job 3a and Job 3b. Both were pretty much identical, based in neighbouring counties, promising a decent increase in salary and responsibility. Both would require me to move house and to drive everywhere. Of the two, Job 3a was better suited to me and Job 3b was better suited to my circumstances. Their interviews were on consecutive days. And Job 3a's interviews were first...
Thursday, December 03, 1998
2:50pm Job interview for Job 3a: My presentation goes well, and I answer all the questions they throw at me. It's all very friendly, apart from the go-getting deputy who's been in post for three days and has a slightly evil look in her eye. I think I could be happy enough here. 3:45pm Look people, I have another interview tomorrow for Job 3b. When you've made your decision, could I have a 24 hour extension? Thanks, that's more than kind of you. 6pm A phone call from the smiliest bloke on the panel. Job 3a is mine, if I want it. Hurrah. I'll get back to you tomorrow on that. 7pm Back home, not everybody is pleased that I might take Job 3a. It's made clear to me that I really ought to take Job 3b instead.
Friday, December 04, 1998
1:30pm Job interview for Job 3b: I've reached the shortlist from an earlier day of selection, so I'm feeling fairly positive. My interview goes OK, although I walk out with the usual list of things I wish I'd said. It's all very professional, but not exactly warm. I could cope here. 5pm I'm on a train, with one of those new-fangled mobile phones. I have voicemail. It's Job 3a, and they want an answer. Now. But that's not fair - I haven't heard back from Job 3b yet. I take a deep breath, and tell Job 3a to wait. Ulp. 5:20pm I'm still on a train. It's Job 3a again, this time with the evil go-getting deputy on the phone. She's quite stroppy. I have ten minutes. 5:30pm Job 3b has not yet rung with a decision. I ring around elsewhere for serious lifestyle crisis advice. I am advised to hold fast in the face of unfair pressure. 5:40pm The woman from Job 3a rings back, no doubt frustrated that my phone was engaged earlier. Look, I can't say Yes yet. So I'm told No, time up, goodbye. 5:41pm Bugger! Ah well, there's always Job 3b. Certain people are very impressed that I've chosen Job 3b over Job 3a. 7:15pm Job 3b finally rings back. Sorry, it's a No. Damn! 7:16pm Bugger, I appear to have no new job at all. I could have had Job 3a, but I threw it away. Nobody is impressed. 7:30pm I am advised to ring back Job 3a and lie. I happen to have the mobile number of the smiley bloke on the panel. It's possible that's he's much nicer than the evil she-midget who turned me down earlier. But, but, I don't lie, I really shouldn't do that, that's just so not me...
Life-pivot moment: I ring back the smiley boss from Job 3a and interrupt his Friday evening. I've *cough* just got home. I've *cough* not heard from Job 3b yet. I'm really very disappointed in your organisation's behaviour earlier this evening. Smiley boss is very supportive, but never mind because surely I'll get Job 3b. He asks me to ring back when I've heard.
8:10pm I ring back again. I put on a good act. Oh my God you won't believe this but I didn't get Job 3b. Now I'm jobless and distraught, oh woe is me. Smiley boss is surprised and upset, surely they've made a mistake. He says he'll see what he can do and will ring me back later. 9:20pm Smiley boss rings back later. Believe it or not they can offer me Job 3a after all. I'm not quite sure how or why, but I'm not complaining. Oh hoo-bloody-rah! 9:30pm Everybody is extremely pleased, even those who didn't really want me to get Job 3a in the first place. 11:55pm Phew, that could have gone exceptionally badly, but (somehow) it ended up with me getting the one of the two jobs I actually wanted.
Saturday, December 05, 1998
9am Wake up with a grin. 12 noon Go out and buy my first car.
As it turned out, Job 3a was indeed the better of the two. And without Job 3a I'd never have got Job 4. And without Job 4 I'd never have ended up moving to London, and I'd not be having a whale of a time, and you'd not be reading this. Sometimes a big white lie can change your life. Thanks for the suggestion.
He steps into the middle of the crowded carriage. Other passengers immediately stand aside. "He's not one of us, he's one of them."
He's wearing a blue jacket over a grey fleece, neither of them recently washed. They're functional and warm, no fashion statement here. On his lapel a tiny "White Stripes" badge, the only token nod to commercialism. Below the waist a pair of grubby navy blue leggings, shapeless and slightly baggy. There's a smell, an unmistakable whiff, and it's probably coming from down there. On his feet a pair of black Reeboks, both laceless, tongues flapping, long past their prime. A toe emerges from the tip of the left shoe, poking reluctantly through the plastic. He's out of place. Stand back, leave him be.
The train doors close. He leans heavily on a single metal crutch, cap in hand. Small change jingles somewhere within, and the travelling public trembles. Please no, please don't wave your hat around, please don't start begging. There's no escape, no way out, and the next station's a minute or two away. Thankfully no. He removes a handful of cash from deep within, and places the now-empty baseball cap on his head.
With a wobble he staggers across to the far side of the carriage, requesting that others make way, which they do. And there he stands, oblivious to the materialism displayed all around, counting his wealth oh so oh so carefully. It's all in silver coins, twenties and tens mostly, the odd fifty. And he counts them out in pound-sized piles, before carefully dropping each into what he thinks is a wallet. Looks more like a plastic bag to everyone else, the flimsy sort that supermarkets offer for self-service fruit and veg.
Disaster strikes. A 20p coin tumbles from his grimy fingers and rolls away across the carriage floor. Past feet, past bags, too far to reach, too far to see. Like lightning he rests his crutch to one side and crouches down on his haunches, reflexes like a wild cat. His arm reaches out through a sea of shiny shoes and trousers. Move aside, make way, nothing hard earned must be allowed to escape. And got it. And relax.
Back on his feet, back on his crutch, the counting continues. More coins are pulled from a pocket, chink, and more still from another pocket, chink. There's a fair amount of cash here, more than enough for a cup of tea, probably enough for a kettle. On and on, another five makes another pound, chink chink chink. These coins are his total focus, his entire world, his reason for being. They're the difference between hunger and a next meal, between nothing and something.
Station by station, his wallet fills. And then he's off, shuffling out through the carriage door with the rest of the homebound commuters. They dash up the escalator, heading for home and all its comforts, while he hangs around on the platform, waits, lingers. It's cold out there, no rush. A man can't get far on small change alone.
My Lords and Members of the House of Commons. I am your Queen, and I have ridden here to Parliament this morning in a gold coach to read you a list of tedious forthcoming legislation. Do please appear to look excited.
My Government has pretty much run out of policies, but has scraped the barrel to cobble together a few half-hearted ideas to see them through the next Parliamentary session. My Government's programme is a last ditch attempt to persuade the electorate to vote for them next time, and not necessarily a list of what is good for the country.
My Government will continue to plod on towards the introduction of ID cards, even though they're expensive and don't work and a serious infringement of civil liberties and everybody hates them. My Government will continue to solve the world's economic problems single-handedly with a brave but prudent global financial rescue policy, so it says here.
My Government will waffle on a lot about fairness. My Government will ban pubs and bars from running extra specially cheap drinks promotions, although it'll still be possible to binge drink on value lager from the corner shop. My Government had better not raise duty on sherry, else that's one's Christmas ruined.
My Government will introduce a new Minister for Outrage, someone whose job it is to spot petty annoying things that might get Middle England riled, you know like BBC personalities swearing at sick kittens. My Government will talk a lot about reducing carbon emissions, but won't actually do anything about it because of the cost.
My Government will drag the country even further into debt, on the basis that the Opposition will end up having to pay it off. My Government wants all children to have the best possible start in life, and other meaningless platitudes. That Black Rod's a bit of a looker, isn't he? Nice tights.
My Government will shout across the despatch box at Question Time rah rah rah like a bunch of public schoolboy oiks. My Government will introduce lots of new targets, including a target to increase the number of targets by 50%. My Government know not to increase taxes on horse racing, because one would be very upset.
My Government will continue to bugger about with the National Health Service. My Government are already busy networking with big business bosses to make sure they have executive roles to step into once they lose their seats at the next election. My Government will balls something up spectacularly, because that's what Governments do.
My Government will introduce legislation to allow the police to do whatever they like, but only under special circumstances (i.e. whenever they feel like it). My Government will continue to bandy around words like freedom and equality and security and globalisation because it makes them sound important. I'd better hurry up, this crown's getting bloody heavy.
My Government will send me round the world to meet various foreign heads of state, and I'll have to sit there listening to tedious speeches and attending banquets where they serve up roast creatures in sauce, oh God, why do I let them? Every Government's the same really, they all try hard but they always end up buggering everything.
Still, at the end of their day they're my Government, and I don't have to sign any of their poxy laws if I don't want to. The Duke of Edinburgh and I will be going home now. It's racing from Catterick this afternoon, and we don't want to miss it.
Oh, thank you for coming to see me, I have some bad news to impart. We need to make people redundant, And sadly you're only the start.
We're launching a "major restructure", A "rationalisation of roles", It's time for a "best practice roll-out" And you don't "align with our goals".
It's all due to external pressures - recession and tumbling pound. As projects die left, right and centre, There's not enough work to go round.
Our financial outlook is rocky, I won't hide the mess that we're in, But shareholders must make a profit, So please take this blow on the chin.
It's not that you're lazy, far from it, I know that you've worked hard for years, Your last appraisal was fantastic, But here's where your job disappears.
There's no point prolonging the issue, I'm forced now to give you the sack, So please clear your desk out this instant, Because you'll not be coming back.
Please know that we're sorry to lose you, You'll be greatly missed, I believe. But now, with immediate outcome, I've placed you on gardening leave.
We wish you the best for the future, And hope that it's not sink or swim, But prospects are bleak in recession, And right now your Christmas looks grim.
It's been a quite awful decision, I hate making cutbacks like these, But my job is safe awhile longer. Now do send the next one in please.
The dg Advert calendar Now that December's here, it's time for a geezer's fancy to turn to gift buying. So over the next three and a half weeks I'll be bringing you a daily selection of the capital's finest luxury produce, carefully chosen to impress. If you're seeking unique festive fare perfect for the extra-special recipient in your life, you've come to the right place. My daily dripfeed will be gushing forth regular marketplace recommendations right up until Christmas Eve. And please rest assured that all of my intimate reviews are totally unbiased, wholly unsponsored and completely unprompted. Let the retail countdown begin.
Countesse De La Mer Chocolatier, Notting Hill
When credit crunch strikes, a woman's heart turns naturally to chocolate. And where better to indulge than at this elite establishment in fashionable W2? Belinda and her enlightened staff will be delighted to fire up your taste buds with their fiery cocoa passion, each confection hand-flavoured for guaranteed decadence. The limited edition Viennese nougat swirls are to die for, and the Lime Cashew Fondant has no equal this side of heaven. No question, their Black Satin selection boxes are the perfect gift for all your pre-diabetic acquaintances this Christmas. Top buy: individually wrapped dark chocolate organic lavender jellies, £11.50
Abigail's LuxBazaar, Dulwich Village
Nothing says "I love you" better than a designer handbag. And where better to indulge than at this bijou fashion emporium in leafy SE21? Browse awhile amongst the stylish accessories and brushed leather, there's sure to be a perfectly-matched bargain here for you. Merchant-in-chief Abigail tells us that the Louis Vuitton Aztec Totebag is flying off the shelves, while she personally recommends the triple-zipped ruby-studded Hollow Alligator clutch. No question, her range of capacious hand-sewn Glitter Pouches will brighten the face of any lady of leisure this Christmas. Top buy: limited edition zebra tartan handbag in fern green or violet, £89.99
Pilates Cafecino, Primrose Hill
The perfect gym experience combines aerobic workout with top-notch coffee. And where better to indulge than at this lavish exercise hub in exclusive NW1? Fire up your thigh muscles on the eco-certified powermats, then relax awhile on the leather sofa with a refreshing marshmallow'n'cream latte. "What our customers want," explains instructor-in-chief Suzanne, "is precise body control through flowing movement, followed by an intense percolated caffeine fix." No question, an Espresso Thrust gift package is a sure fire way to keep body and soul in peak form this Christmas. Top buy: annual double-shot Decaf Calisthenics subscription, £299
Costcutter & Off Licence, Plaistow
If it's convenience you want, there's none better than the UK's premier corner shop experience. And where better to indulge than at this capacious 24/7 boutique in fashionable E13? Trust Iqbal and his staff to offer bottles of sparkling cider to suit all budgets from £1 downwards, plus a complete range of shrink-wrapped Polish processed meats to delight the palate. Party hosts will adore the range of value mince pies and economy mini-pizzas, while younger visitors always enjoy the additive-packed collection of Haribo by the counter. No question, many of London's ordinary residents will be shopping somewhere remarkably similar this Christmas. Top buy: possibility of escape via lottery ticket £1
londonerama the capital fanzine online edition 3 - November 2008
Welcome to London's essential online newsletter! londonerama is the number 1 internet mag for Europe's number 1 city. We have all the news, all the goss and all the up-front info. Well, some of it anyway. Read on...
muTATE BRITAIN Metal monsters, deviant art, scrapyard sculptures and a 3 ton dog - not the sort of thing you'd normally see at the straight-laced Tate. But this exhibition's a completely different affair, running every Fri/Sat/Sun up to Christmas on the eastern fringes of the City. The venue is Cordy House, a 6-storey warehouse turned events venue (in Shoreditch, where else?) with a perfect industrial vibe for alternative art installations. The event's curated by Mutoid Waste and brings together "inspiration, evolution, energy ART and LOVE". Tracey Emin was round on Thursday defacing a Phil Collins album cover, and you can see various celebrities'scribbled results upstairs. I'm not convinced that David Cameron quite got the hang of what was expected of him. I also enjoyed Giles Walker's mechanical robot dancefloor, but didn't stay to endure the wheelchair delights of the You Me Bum Bum Train. Definitely leftfield, convincingly heartfelt, well worth a prowl. Event blog here, Flickr set here.
DISAPPEARING LONDON It's the same all across the capital. New housing developments are infilling gaps and green spaces everywhere, building unwanted flats for non-existent tenants. Andrew's alerted me to one such proposed development in Forest Hill where 76 apartments are destined to be shoehorned onto a patch of secluded woodland behind Honor Oak Road. Local residents are aghast that these supposed "eco-friendly" homes will be anything but, and are campaigning hard using a classic biodiversity defence. I know that Andrew, and the local stag beetles, would be most grateful for your support. Read & see more here. Newspaper story here. Sign the petition here.
INTERNATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC America's big yellow travel magazine, National Geographic, has opened its first ever major retail outpost in Regent Street. It's a flagship store (for which read "big"), and takes up several degrees of the curved end near Piccadilly Circus.
From outside you'd be mistaken for thinking that the glazed frontage concealed a leafy restaurant or maybe an art gallery, and you'd be sort of right. But venture inside and you'll spot a fair amount of ethnic merchandise liberally scattered amongst the three-storey marketplace. Candles and baskets and trinketty boxes abound, along with more useful travel stuff for the discerning middle class nomad. There are Gore-tex jackets galore in the basement, along with other posh clothing overseen by sales assistants in neat khaki uniforms. Upstairs you can grab a map of Everest Base Camp, or buy a dead expensive pair of shady eyewear, or book yourself a landrover safari to somewhere distant and dusty. It's definitely not Milletts, and it's not quite a Brit-angled store either. Oh, and look carefully by the door and you might even find some back copies of the magazine that started it all. Just don't expect to see any of the other shoppers flicking through them. Unimpressive website here.
SEVERNDROOG SAVED Hidden amidst the trees on Shooters Hill is a three-corneredbrick tower, erected in 1784 in honour of a reformed pirate. It used to be open to the public, with a tearoom inside, but closed in the late 80s and has been crumbling ever since. Now the Heritage Lottery Fund has come to Severndroog's rescue with a quarter of a million pound grant, and volunteers will finally be able to complete their preservation work. Eventually it's hoped that this folly will be open four days a week, not just one weekend a year, and then everyone can enjoy the greatviews from the roof again. Severndroog website here.
Nerdy London bus map mashup: onabus Plots any London bus route on a Google map (via Time Out's Big Smoke blog)
109 journeys between Central London Tube stations that are quicker by foot than Tube (according to this map, from Legible London's Yellow Book - page 30)
Aldgate to: Aldgate East, Bank Aldgate East to: Aldgate Angel to: Chancery Lane Bank to: Aldgate, Blackfriars, Cannon Street, Liverpool Street, Mansion House, Monument, Moorgate, St Paul's Barbican to: Blackfriars, Chancery Lane, Mansion House, St Paul's Blackfriars to: Bank, Barbican, Borough, Chancery Lane, Covent Garden, Farringdon, Holborn, St Paul's, Southwark, Waterloo Bond Street to: Goodge Street, Green Park, Marble Arch, Oxford Circus Borough to: Blackfriars, Mansion House, Southwark, Cannon Street to: Bank, London Bridge, Mansion House, Monument, Moorgate, Southwark Chancery Lane to: Angel, Barbican, Blackfriars, Farringdon, Holborn, Temple Covent Garden to: Blackfriars, Charing Cross, Embankment, Holborn, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Temple, Tottenham Court Road Elephant & Castle to: Southwark Embankment to: Charing Cross, Covent Garden, Temple, Waterloo Euston to: Euston Square, Great Portland Street, Regent's Park, Russell Square, Warren Street Euston Square to: Euston, Goodge Street, Warren Street Farringdon to: Blackfriars, Chancery Lane, Holborn, St Paul's, Temple Great Portland Street to: Euston, Goodge Street, Regent's Park, Warren Street Green Park to: Bond Street, Piccadilly Circus Goodge Street to: Bond Street, Euston Square, Great Portland Street, Oxford Circus, Regent's Park, Russell Square, Tottenham Court Road, Warren Street Holborn to: Blackfriars, Chancery Lane, Covent Garden, Farringdon Hyde Park Corner to: Victoria King's Cross St Pancras: it's quicker by tube Leicester Square to: Charing Cross, Covent Garden, Piccadilly Circus, Tottenham Court Road Lambeth North to: Southwark, Waterloo, Westminster Liverpool Street to: Bank, Monument, Moorgate London Bridge to: Cannon Street, Mansion House, Monument Mansion House to: Bank, Barbican, Blackfriars, Borough, Cannon Street, London Bridge, Moorgate, St Paul's, Southwark Marble Arch to: Bond Street Monument to: Bank, Cannon Street, Liverpool Street, London Bridge, Moorgate Moorgate to: Bank, Cannon Street, Liverpool Street, Mansion House, Monument, St Paul's Old Street: it's quicker by tube Oxford Circus to: Bond Street, Goodge Street Piccadilly Circus to: Covent Garden, Green Park, Leicester Square, Tottenham Court Road Pimlico: it's quicker by tube Regent's Park to: Euston, Goodge Street, Great Portland Street, Warren Street Russell Square to: Euston, Goodge Street, Warren Street St James's Park: it's quicker by tube St Paul's to: Bank, Barbican, Blackfriars, Farringdon, Mansion House, Moorgate Southwark to: Blackfriars, Borough, Cannon Street, Elephant & Castle, Lambeth North, Mansion House, Temple, Waterloo Temple to: Chancery Lane, Covent Garden, Embankment, Farringdon, Southwark, Waterloo Tottenham Court Road to: Covent Garden, Goodge Street, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus Tower Hill: it's quicker by tube Victoria to: Hyde Park Corner Warren Street to: Euston, Euston Square, Goodge Street, Great Portland Street, Regent's Park, Russell Square Waterloo to: Blackfriars, Charing Cross, Covent Garden, Embankment, Lambeth North, Southwark, Temple Westminster to: Charing Cross, Lambeth North
• Roughly speaking, only stations located within the Congestion Charge zone have been included (so no Vauxhall to Oval, and no Bayswater to Queensway) • I'm not sure precisely how the map was put together, but I'm assuming it's based on surface-to-surface timings (down to the platform, wait for train, catch train, back up to street level) • I suspect the map has some omissions (and I'm certain they've missed out Chancery Lane to Farringdon, so I've included that) • The longest journey where it's quicker to walk is Angel to Chancery Lane(1.1 miles) • The six stations where it's most probably best to walk are Bank, Blackfriars, Covent Garden, Goodge Street, Mansion House and Southwark • Yes, I know there are more than 109 journeys listed here, because I've counted each journey in both directions. • And yes, I know there probably aren't exactly 218, but I can't be bothered to count them properly. • Should QI ever link to this page, three years into the future, please note it is not true that "There are 109 journeys between London’s Tube stations that are quicker to walk". But in Central London, maybe.
In amongst all of London's recent travel news (Western Congestion Zone, who needs it?), some good green tidings have slipped out relatively unnoticed. Boris is busy spending money, on pedestrians. More specifically, on signage for pedestrians. Many Londoners, it seems, choose to hop into their cars or ride on public transport when in fact they could have walked. It's a particular problem in the centre of town. Often important locations are quite close together but, because people haven't internalised a mental map of the capital, they don't realise how close. Stick up some better maps and and signs and fingerposts, and more people will choose to take the two-footed option. That's the theory anyway.
The project's called Legible London, and it "proposes to change the existing fragmented approach to walking information into a single reliable, consistent and authoritative system." Or, in other words, it's designed to make walking easier. A trial version kicked off in the Bond Street area exactly a year ago. 19 "miniliths" were set into West End pavements, each standing tall like an Arthur C Clarke 2001 black slab. They feature directional info, detailed maps and a street name index, plus a mobile number you can ring for further information. One key addition is an indication of how long it takes to walk somewhere, because people understand time better than miles, yards or kilometres. If you're trying to make your way on foot around unfamiliar streets at the top of Mayfair, these signs really help.
They don't get in the way, either. You might expect a big black block to be a bit of an obstruction, but separate decluttering has ensured otherwise. Gone are lots of unnecessary bits of street furniture and a surfeit of unnecessary obsolete signs. Both minimal and comprehensive, that's the plan.
The new signs are really rather lovely. Maybe it's the clear clean design, or maybe it's the inspired choice of black and yellow, but the enamel surface looks positively lickable. No surprise, then that the Legible London prototypes have met with a very positive reaction from the public. 85% of interviewees said the new system was easy-to-use, two-thirds of respondents said it would encourage them to walk more, and nine out of 10 felt the system should be rolled out across London. So it's going to be. The original Bond Street focus is to be extended along Oxford and Regent Streets over the next few months. Three further lucky areas will see the system rolled out during autumn 2009, and if the cash holds out a lot more of the capital could follow.
South Bank and Bankside: That makes sense. The Thames riverside is already teeming with strolling pedestrians, especially at weekends, many of whom only ever stick to the water's edge for fear of getting lost. It's stepping inshore which requires better signage, not least because there are absolutely no underground stations along the South Bank. And the quickest walking route from the London Eye to the Tate Modern isn't along the Thames, but who'd know that without decent maps?
Bloomsbury, Covent Garden and Holborn: That makes sense. There's a warren of non-griddy streets around the eastern West End, and it can be quite hard to tell where you're heading. I suspect TfL have pushed for this area to be included as part of their continuing campaign to get tourists to walk (not tube) to Covent Garden. Short of renaming this crowded deep level station "SmellyPlace Keepaway", it's only decent ground level signage that'll encourage passengers to walk to Covent Garden from somewhere else.
Richmond and Twickenham: That makes sense. Boris likes the suburbs, so why should the centre of town reap all the benefits? Clustering a load of miniliths around Richmond Bridge will be a good test of the system's suitability across more typical swathes of Outer London. Might even encourage a few more drivers to leave their gas guzzlers at home.
Those attending the VIP shopping day in Oxford Street next weekend will be able to find out more by stopping off at TfL's "walking trailer". Further details can be also found on the Legible London website - dormant for the last ten months but which has suddenly reawoken in a flurry of mild activity. One particular statistic in the latest press release caught my eye - the claim that "109 journeys between Central London Tube stations are quicker by foot than Tube." With the aid of Legible London's "Yellow Book", I wonder if I can name all of those tomorrow...
These are grim economic times. Every day seems to bring further news of market turmoil, retail slowdown, property panic, share price collapse, financial hardship, redundancies, belt-tightening, depression and debt. I reckon there's a certain inevitability to where all this is going...
UK Political scenario 1 2008: This looks bad, maybe Gordon can get us through [ouch!] 2009: This is awful, and it's all that bloody Gordon's fault [eek!] 2010: Time for a change, surely David can get us out of this [election!] 2011: With no economic room to manoeuvre, David is no better [cut!]
UK Political scenario 2 Something unexpected happens
Hurrah! The money Boris saved by scrapping "The Londoner" is being spent on upgrading several of the capital's much-loved parks. Repaint some railings, lay a new multipurpose games pitch, introduce community vegetable plots... that sort of thing. Which sounds great and green and worthy and fantastic. Except for this "vote" nonsense. Here's the catch.
So 47 parks deserve money, but only 10 will get any. What Londoners are really being asked to choose are the 37 parks that will get nothing. In common with most reality TV shows these days, harnessing the power of the public vote ensures that there will be far more losers than winners. Never mind sharing out the money 47 ways, it's all going to go on two showcase improvements in each of five London sub-regions. If you live in Hillingdon and the money goes to Hammersmith, never mind, maybe it'll be your turn in 2013.
Which means that voting is really important. The ten communities that rally the most online support will get themselves a 21st century landmark park on their doorstep. And everyone else will have to make do with a few swings and a patch of dog-squat grass. Quick, head over to the online voting form and make your choice! Voting ends at 5pm on 30th January 2009, so there's plenty of time to make your voice heard, and that of your friends too. Vote wisely, vote early, and vote often.
That's a relief. Boris has ensured that online voting procedures will be rigorously regulated and strictly scrutinised. There is no possible way that any park-related voting irregularities will be permitted. The online voting form is absolutely totally 100% fraud-proof. Various cunning security devices have been employed to ensure that vote-rigging is absolutely impossible.
See, that's brilliant. By asking voters to give their name, GLA scrutineers will be able to see at a glance whether anyone has voted before. How fortunate that London's voters are trustworthy souls, and wouldn't dream of typing a false name into either box. Or indeed a different false name every day until the end of January. Or pretending to be ten imaginary members of the same family. These evil devious ploys will definitely not work at all.
See, that's brilliant. By asking voters to give their location, GLA scrutineers will gain additional information to help them weed out multiple voters at the same IP address. How fortunate that London's voters are trustworthy souls, and wouldn't dream of pretending to be at a workplace, or at a school, or indeed "at a park", and then giving hundreds of different false names as if the entire community is voting. These evil devious ploys will definitely not work at all.
See, that's brilliant. By asking voters to give their postcode, GLA scrutineers will have all the information they need to prevent mischievous ballot manipulation. How fortunate that London's voters are trustworthy souls, and wouldn't dream of entering a different postcode each time (or, more cunningly, pretending to be at a workplace and then typing in the same postcode every time). These evil devious ploys will definitely not work at all.
So come on London, let's all vote to give our nearest small park a much needed financial boost. I'm starting my 9-week campaign for the Greenway today. And it's refreshing to know that, when the results are announced in February, it'll only be the most deserving parks that win. And definitely not the big well-known parks with well-mobilised community support and an army of deceitful rule-twisting voters.
On Tuesday evening, while you were travelling home (and I was sitting in the bowels of the London Transport Museum), tube bosses took part in a live online Question Time. Members of the public sent in questions, and top brass answered. Detailed sensible answers in most cases, even when the questions were way off the mark.
"Hello, I wanted to ask why so many tube stations do not have lifts? I dont think its right in this day and age. Every other tube/metro/train station in most countries have them -e.g. in Paris France and in San Francisco, California, USA. It makes it so hard for elderly customers and those who cant manage escalators very well. When can we expect to see lifts or at least more stairs at EVERY station? I hate the escalators -theyre often crowded, and feel dangerous as theyre so steep/big. [Asked by DiVa]The Great Bear was one of those "wouldn't it be a good idea..." ideas, a spark of inspiration, conceived and created in a squat off Tottenham Court Road. Took decision to seek official permission from London Transport, not just rip off their copyright, so took ages to get agreement, turned out to be well worth it, also meant that the fake map was put together by LT's proper lithographers using cutting edge early 90s computer technology, so the finished poster had credibility. The names on each line had a theme, for example footballers on the Jubilee, or Chinese dissidents on the DLR (out east), or saints in alphabetical order on the Piccadilly. As for the interchange stations, there was no deliberate attempt to find a clever name which matched all the lines meeting there, although Gary Lineker is both a footballer and a saint, that was intentional. The map may be static but it continues to evolve, people's perceptions change, for example if famous comedians die, or when Pluto was declassified as a planet. The Great Bear was first exhibited at the Hayward Gallery, nearly didn't make it into the show, the rest is history.
"Is the there any way to focus this one?" "Can you sort the focus out?" "Have you tried the auto focus?" "Sorry about the focus everyone"A lot of Simon's work is graphically based, or three dimensional, or quite possibly both, he's really very hard to pigeonhole.(it's always the same isn't it, you spend ages putting together a presentation, proper multimedia and everything, sweated buckets over it, then the technology let's you down, just fails, or goes fuzzy or malfunctions or something, totally outside your control, have to make the best of a bad thing, it's so annoying)"Can you turn the slideshow off so I can show a DVD" "I don't want to show both simultaneously, it looks awful" "I said turn off the slides, not the DVD" "Mr Projectionist, hello?"One final look at a project he's been asked to do in France, commemorating Wilfred Owen's last resting place, and then off.A section of stadium seating based on typewriter keys, several tweaked periodic tables, a short film of spinning pocket watches (described as "horological porn"), a fabulous film based on in-flight safety demonstrations but with a magical sado-masochistic twist, McCarthyite closing credits, three yacht sails labelled with author's biographical details, annotated cablecars, exploding camouflage grenades, it's an inventive mind run wild.
Bit of a rush at the end, missed out a few planned slides, overran by nearly half an hour, nobody minded, fascinating stuff, should have paid more attention in art lessons.Further events to follow at the LT Museum next year if you're interested.I SPY LONDON
You've no doubt heard of the St John Ambulance, you may even have been put back together by them. But you may not be aware of the Knights of St John, a noble order of medieval crusaders, and the peculiar history that links them to today's armband-wearing first-aiders. A small museum up an arched Clerkenwell sidestreet aims to put that right.
As museums go, this one's woefully overlooked. They claim to get 14000 visitors a year, but I suspect many of these are Dan Brown fans who've got their Knights mixed up. When I turned up I was the only visitor, or at least the only person to stay for more than five minutes. I snooped around the three free ground floor exhibitions while I waited for the afternoon tour to begin. One room uses glass cases full of medals and armour (and other stuff) to attempt to tell the story of the Knights of St John. Another smaller room is devoted, slightly more successfully, to the history of the gatehouse and priory. And a third more modern space forms a museum for the St John Ambulance, focusing on the lives of volunteers worldwide who've devoted so much of their spare time to mopping up and making better.
Eventually I was led off on my solo tour. Had I'd not turned up my guide could have taken the afternoon off and gone home with a Lemsip, but instead she led me up the fairly ordinary stairs to... woo, an extraordinary wood-panelled Chapter Hall. It had stained glass windows, chandeliers, the lot - all convincingly ancient until I was told it was an expensive Victorian fake. Then across into the small gatehouse room perched above the middle of the road. In its time this has been the room in which Shakespeare's plays were licenced, the editorial base for Britain's first magazine, a coffee shop owned by Hogarth's father, and the upper room of a pub called the Jerusalem Tavern. Standing here was wonderfully atmospheric, at least until the revelation that the space is now used for committee meetings which dulled the feeling somewhat. We exited down a marvellous Tudor wooden spiral staircase in the gatehouse tower opposite, and then out into the street.
London in stolen pictures: I was alerted yesterday that one of my Flickr photos had been appropriated by Mail Online, the Daily Mail's news website, and published without due attribution. They'd used my Wembley IKEA photo to illustrate a story about a hit-and-run on the North Circular, and slapped an entirely inappropriate "© Flickr" in the bottom left hand corner. All in direct contravention of the photo's Creative Commons licence. So, having taken advice, I rang up the Mail's Online Pictures Editor and got the photo removed. Result. But, sheesh. Further details, and a snapshot of the offending webpage, over here.
Yesterday was Shop Weekend VIP Day in Oxford Street and Regent Street - an annual excuse to ban all vehicles and thereby cause major tailbacks on all surrounding streets. The perfect event for anyone who wanted to go Christmas shopping in stores considerably more crowded than usual whilst being accosted by face-painting elves and Sally Army trombonists. Which appeared to be hundreds of thousands of people, some of whom actually ended up carrying shopping bags. It was hard to walk far without some minion from sponsors Visa thrusting an advert in your face, and there were rather a lot of Nokia pluggers on the loose too. Most fun, however, was the singing nun scooting up and down the street sat on a mobile piano. This wimpled bloke turned heads wherever she went, singing carols and winsome ditties with a knowing wink, then accelerating off to perturb some unsuspecting audience further down the street. You can hire Sister Ruth for your own "mix and mingle" event should you have £630 to spare. If not, I'm sure she'll be back again warbling on wheels in Oxford Street next year.
Have you ever seen a more pretentious sign than this? It's affixed to a wall round the back of 100 New Bridge Street in the City of London, and repeated several times in case you don't get the message straight away. The wall in question is blessed by 23 large mottled stoneware tile panels, each with different Escher-like patterns designed by potter Rupert Spira. They're rather pretty geometric designs, and well worth protecting, but not something you'd expect a company to get quite this uppity about. I can only imagine that they've had serious trouble in the past with careless bikers leaving their vehicles in close proximity, and have undergone some sort of humour bypass in the process. This inflated sense of self-worth was confirmed when a security guard exited the building, walked round to the rear and asked me why I was taking photographs of his wall. I told him that I'd found the sign particularly amusing, which didn't seem to amuse him and he asked me the same question three more times. I resisted telling him that he was a miserable tosser, and that his company was clearly full of miserable tossers, because I didn't think that would be helpful. He then told me, quite firmly, that the company don't like people taking photographs of their building, which made me wonder why they don't have a patronising sign about that on their wall too. Eventually he let me go, thankfully without insisting I forfeit my memory card or grovel at his feet or sign a written apology. I walked away rattled and disheartened. The wall's in Waithman Street in case you want to avoid the area completely. Or in case you have a motorbike and ever fancy travelling out of your way to park it somewhere really annoying.
Straightening things out
Let's see whether the good people of Hackney are going to be able to cram into their 38s in the future, or not. Starting with the morning rush hour.
The dg Advert calendar
londonerama
Metal monsters, deviant art, scrapyard sculptures and a 3 ton dog - not the sort of thing you'd normally see at the straight-laced Tate. But this exhibition's a completely different affair, running every Fri/Sat/Sun up to Christmas on the eastern fringes of the City. The venue is Cordy House, a 6-storey warehouse turned events venue (in Shoreditch, where else?) with a perfect industrial vibe for alternative art installations. The event's curated by Mutoid Waste and brings together "inspiration, evolution, energy ART and LOVE". Tracey Emin was round on Thursday defacing a Phil Collins album cover, and you can see various celebrities' scribbled results upstairs. I'm not convinced that David Cameron quite got the hang of what was expected of him. I also enjoyed Giles Walker's mechanical robot dancefloor, but didn't stay to endure the wheelchair delights of the You Me Bum Bum Train. Definitely leftfield, convincingly heartfelt, well worth a prowl.
America's big yellow travel magazine, National Geographic, has opened its first ever major retail outpost in Regent Street. It's a flagship store (for which read "big"), and takes up several degrees of the curved end near Piccadilly Circus.
Hidden amidst the trees on Shooters Hill is a three-cornered brick tower, erected in 1784 in honour of a reformed pirate. It used to be open to the public, with a tearoom inside, but closed in the late 80s and has been crumbling ever since. Now the Heritage Lottery Fund has come to Severndroog's rescue with a quarter of a million pound grant, and volunteers will finally be able to complete their preservation work. Eventually it's hoped that this folly will be open four days a week, not just one weekend a year, and then everyone can enjoy the great views from the roof again.
Covent Garden to: Blackfriars, Charing Cross, Embankment, Holborn, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Temple, Tottenham Court Road
The project's called Legible London, and it "proposes to change the existing fragmented approach to walking information into a single reliable, consistent and authoritative system." Or, in other words, it's designed to make walking easier. A trial version kicked off in the Bond Street area exactly a year ago. 19 "miniliths" were set into West End pavements, each standing tall like an Arthur C Clarke 2001 black slab. They feature directional info, detailed maps and a street name index, plus a mobile number you can ring for further information. One key addition is an indication of how long it takes to walk somewhere, because people understand time better than miles, yards or kilometres. If you're trying to make your way on foot around unfamiliar streets at the top of Mayfair, these signs really help.
South Bank and Bankside: That makes sense. The Thames riverside is already teeming with strolling pedestrians, especially at weekends, many of whom only ever stick to the water's edge for fear of getting lost. It's stepping inshore which requires better signage, not least because there are absolutely no underground stations along the South Bank. And the quickest walking route from the London Eye to the Tate Modern isn't along the Thames, but who'd know that without decent maps?
I SPY LONDON
Straightening things out
Let's see whether the good people of Hackney are going to be able to cram into their 38s in the future, or not. Starting with the morning rush hour.
