We at Big Brother Inc are pleased to announce that we have recently taken over from MI5 as the chief contractor for individual covert civilian surveillance in the UK. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to keep you updated with your own personal Statement of Whereabouts, updated via police, CCTV, internet, mobile phone, speed camera, satellite and supermarket records so far this week. A more detailed statement covering the period since 1991 is available on request. We apologise for accidentally sending this statement to your mother in 1998.
STATEMENT OF WHEREABOUTS
Client number: 47319478XP Client name: Restricted Date processed: 26/06/03
22/06/03 [12:47] local high street: Accidentally mistaken for known sex offender by experimental CCTV image-matching software. Your mugshot now scheduled to appear in tomorrow’s Sun newspaper. 22/06/03 [12:49] local high street: Caught by CCTV picking your nose in public – this video-clip will appear next weekend on You’ve Been Framed. 22/06/03 [15:12] local superstore: Detected buying whole-fat milk – insurance company automatically raises your life insurance premium by 17%.
23/06/03 [17:37] M1 junction 11: Speed camera registers you travelling at 72mph (that's 3 penalty points, plus an enormous fine to help provide us with even more cameras). 23/06/03 [17:42] M1 junction 12: …and, hang on, if you’ve just driven 5 miles in 4 minutes, that’s 75mph on average, so we’ll take your licence away as well thanks.
24/06/03 [11:03] your office: Illicit access of latest cricket score via the internet at work. 24/06/03 [11:16] your office: Office spyware reports you to your boss for repeatedly accessing latest cricket score – you are dismissed. 24/06/03 [16:32] the dole office: Automatically credit-blacklisted after signing on and joining the social underclass.
25/06/03 [06:08] not your house: Spotted by satellite emerging from house unwashed and tired, but whistling and smiling broadly. 25/06/03 [07:45] your house: Spotted by satellite emerging from house pursued by angry spouse/partner wielding large object. 25/06/03 [22:59] local woods: Spotted by satellite burying the body of your spouse/partner in a two-metre deep hole.
26/06/03 [00:01] hiding out in the woods: Mobile phone transmits details of your location to local police. It's only a matter of time before we catch you, you know.
Cumulatives to date - Gross offences: 26; Minor offences: 48,803; Impure thoughts: 19,575,168; Hail Marys required since last statement: 6 billion.
We apologise if this record of your actions is in any way incorrect. However, we would like to reassure you that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change our records, and this information will remain on your file for not less than thirty years. Should you have any other concerns about issues surrounding civil liberties, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us. Just walk outside your front door, look straight ahead and start talking – we’ll hear you.