diamond geezer

 Thursday, November 07, 2019

Exactly six months remain before the next London Mayoral election on 7th May 2020.

Today is therefore the perfect day to launch my Mayoral Manifesto of crowd-pleasing policies, which will surely see me elected by a massive majority.

Please focus only on the policies you like, and ignore those targeted at other voters.

Council tax frozen until June 2020.Uber banned during episodes of high air pollution.Pinner demolished and replaced by highrise affordable flats.
A Boxpark in every London borough, to keep the millennials occupied.Monorail to be built above the Uxbridge Road.Kensington & Chelsea and Hammersmith & Fulham merged into one borough.
Day after Mayoral Election to be made a public holiday.All estate agent offices compulsory purchased for social housing.Thames Barrier to be replaced by giant statue of King Canute.
Sultan's Elephant to make a return visit.No Christmas lights switch-on events to take place before December.Giant fans to be installed on public buildings to disperse toxic air.
No further schools to be built near fried chicken shops.Regents Canal concreted over for use as a cycle superhighway.Congestion Charge introduced throughout Zone 6.
Bus fares to rise by double the rate of inflation, but only in South London.99% of homes in all new housing developments to be affordable.Purchase of bottled water to be a criminal offence.
Mayor's Birthday celebrated with event in Trafalgar Square every March.Taxi drivers contracted to stay silent during journeys.Elizabeth Line to be renamed Crossrail.
Plastic straws to be banned to protect London's sealife.Cablecar moved downstream to link Thamesmead to Barking Riverside.Third Runway cancelled, and money saved spent on massive piss-up.
Plastic knives to be compulsory to protect London's teenagers.Upminster set aside as re-housing zone for British nationals returning after Brexit.Under 60s to travel free on Wednesdays, while over 60s pay full price.
Housing estates to be built on 30 of London's golf courses.Pedways constructed at first floor level above Oxford Street.Piercings, dreadlocks and/or tattoos to be compulsory for all new police recruits.
Indefinite ban on electric scooters.To improve recycling rates, Evening Standard print run to be doubled.Rough sleepers to be housed at Buckingham Palace while Queen is at Sandringham.
Bexley forced to become London Borough of Culture 2022.Home working introduced at City Hall to allow building to become EasyHotel.Aldwych station reopened as soft play funpark.
Building permitted on the browner bits of the Green Belt.£1 tax on pop-up cocktails to help provide free school dinners for all under 11s.10 Downing Street reopened as cycle-friendly Quietway.
London Fire Service reimagined as on-demand app.Diesel-powered cars to be phased out by 2021.Teenage gang members given free Netflix subscription.
Public libraries moved into churches and opened six days a week.USB charging points to be fitted in all KFCs.Correct tiles to be used at Bus Stop M.
Surplus Deliveroo riders retrained as community police officers.Woolwich relocated to zone 3, but only on contactless.Blanket ban on all building projects over nine storeys in height.
Smoking and vaping banned within the Ultra Low Emission Zone.Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park naming rights offered to highest bidding monarch.Blanket ban on all building projects under five storeys in height.
Standing on the left on escalators to be subject to a spot fine.All Londoners gifted one free trip up the Shard every year.London Assembly meetings to be released as podcast on BBC Sounds.
Hyde Park to charge £5 for admission.Kingston allowed to return to Surrey, so long as London can have Epsom instead.Car Free Days to become Car Free Weeks.
Budgets increased to fund growth.Fares raised to pay for investment.Council tax raised to pay for services.

Sorry if the bottom row sounds too extreme.

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