diamond geezer

 Friday, January 31, 2020

21:00  Mass gathering of Brexiteers in Parliament Square - several hundred expected
21:08  Ann Widdecombe arrives in Parliament Square on a chariot dressed as Boadicea
21:15  Nigel Farage drives into Parliament Square in a vintage car dressed as Toad of Toad Hall
21:24  Jeremy Corbyn cycles into Parliament Square on a bike waving a 'Got Brexit Done' tea towel
21:30  Jim Davidson keeps the crowd entertained with a series of politically-now-correct jokes
21:50  Rally pauses for commercial break hosted by Sir James Dyson
22:00  TV coverage of Brexit Night kicks off on four terrestrial channels
22:05  Prime Minister gives speech from steps of 10 Downing Street promising a Golden Brexit based on British pluck and ingenuity
22:08  Downing Street countdown clock breaks down and stops
22:09  Prime Minister blames Romanian electricians, gets a laugh, and continues
22:28  Falmouth fishing fleet now lurking off Normandy waiting to pounce on French scallops
22:30  Thousands of disconsolate Remainers go to bed early rather than face the future
22:45  Spar supermarkets confirm they've sold out of English sparkling wine
22:57  Nutter with EU flag on long pole still shouting at TV cameras on Palace Green
22:59  Over-excited 79 year-old dies from heart attack, one minute before the brave new dawn he longed to see

23:00  Big Ben fails to chime, so the assembled crowd shout 'bong' twelve times instead, then cheer wildly
23:01  Celebratory fireworks in Bolsover, Sunderland and Washington DC
23:02  Millennials join hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, but don't know any of the words
23:04  Smugness levels in Parliament Square at record high
23:07  Unrestrained sobbing causes serious flooding in Islington
23:08  EU President thanks the UK for 47 years of valued membership
23:10  Katie Hopkins posts a video of herself in army fatigues burning an EU flag
23:20  Mass Shaking Of Fists on the White Cliffs of Dover
23:35  Celebratory bonfire in Walsall spreads out of control and sets light to housing estate
23:47  First foreigner accidentally stoned to death

 Saturday, February 1, 2020


00:38  They're partying late into the night at the Sunnydale Old People's Home in Clacton
05:34  Today's souvenir Daily Express has to be delivered in wheelbarrows
06:10  Today's Sun comes with a free Brexit 50p sellotaped to the cover
06:11  Rupert Murdoch grins, because it turns out he is as powerful as he thought he was
07:05  First happy citizen receives blue passport in the post, despite having no plans to travel abroad ever again
07:39  The sun rises on a free country (weather permitting)
08:30  Most of the British public go about their normal Saturday oblivious that anything important has happened
09:00  Frictionless Trade Made Simple: a workshop at Belfast City Hall (continues tomorrow and Monday)
09:30  Halifax Pre-Decimalisation Market: spend your florins on bendy bananas weighed in pounds and ounces
10:00  National Jam Festival: opened by Andrea Leadsom at Kidderminster Town Hall
11:17  Wetherspoons will no longer serve foreign lagers, but hurrah, Watney's Red Barrel is back
12:47  Boris Johnson confirms that the country is now united, and anyone saying otherwise should be ignored
13:21  'Now Go Home' scrawled on mosque in Bradford by activist who's missed the point
14:49  Lord Lucan reappears in Munich, now that Germany no longer has an extradition treaty with the UK
15:00  Six Nations rugby tournament cut back to four nations
15:38  Dominic Cummings seen getting 'Brexit Meant Brexit' tattoo
16:00  Michael Gove announces that Great Britain is to be officially renamed The People's Great Britain
16:15  Transport Secretary announces that Euston station is to be renamed UKston
17:54  Guy Verhofstadt announces that the EU can't be arsed to negotiate a trade deal with the UK, so good luck
19:00  BBC1 relaunches as BBC Leave and BBC2 relaunches as BBC Remain, for the avoidance of bias
19:01  The first programme on BBC Leave is Mrs Brown's Boys
19:01  The first programme on BBC Remain is a repeat of the Eurovision Song Contest
19:07  BBC Leave stops showing Mrs Brown's Boys after it turns out the series is set in the EU
21:30  President of the Federated States of Micronesia flies in for crucial trade talks
23:00  Residents of Stockton-on-Tees livid that nothing seems to have improved yet

 Sunday, February 2, 2020


04:30  President Putin sends troops to invade the Shetland Islands, just to test the waters
06:00  Deadline to apply for pet passports for travel in the EU in 2021
08:13  An anonymous tweeter finally comes up with a watertight argument why leaving the EU is wrong, but it's too late
09:02  Home Office Settled Status database hit by virus - EU citizens invited to resubmit
09:35  Boris Johnson opens the first 'Blue Passports Only' lane at Southend Airport
10:00  The Health Secretary opens a new hospital in a caravan on Canvey Island
11:00  Jacob Rees-Mogg appointed Minister For Indefatigable Deregulation
11:25  Council offices in Southwark fined £500 for still flying EU flag
12:00  Italian restaurant in Doncaster rebrands as Chlorinated Fried Chicken
13:30  Education Secretary announces that A-levels in foreign languages are to be withdrawn
14:22  Unconfirmed reports that an old people's home in Preston still has sufficient care staff
14:38  Boris Johnson urges couples of childbearing age to Bonk For Britain
15:00  Government launches new public information campaign - 'See, We Told You There Wouldn't Be Food Shortages'
15:45  Humber Bridge demolished because it was built using dirty European money
16:20  Nigel Farage launches his new political force, the English Independence Party
17:16  Skegness Tourist Board launches 'Sun, Sea and Fruit-picking' holiday campaign
18:22  Donald Trump flies in for initial US/UK trade talks (entirely coincidentally held at Leeds General Infirmary)
19:04  Wall to be built along the Kent Coast so that the continent can no longer be seen
20:50  Wetherspoons announces that people who voted Remain are no longer welcome in its pubs
20:53  Huawei confirms it knows who those people are
20:57  Wetherspoons signs contract with Huawei for installation of facial recognition system

 Monday, February 3, 2020


09:00  The dawning realisation that nothing has changed, we're still following all the rules of the community we just left (and powerless to change them)

 Thursday, December 31, 2020


23:00  Now this is going to be the interesting one...


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