diamond geezer

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Metro-land
a history

"The Company also has an important Extension line... The district through which it passes has been happily named Metro-land, and it is the purpose of this Guide briefly to describe the more important of the small townships which the Metropolitan serves, and in the steady development of which the line has been the principal agent."
Foreword to "Metro-land" brochure (1924)

The Metropolitan Railway was the first steam underground in the world. It chugged beneath the Marylebone Road from Paddington to Farringdon, before spreading its tentacles out further around central London. So successful was the fledgling railway that its bosses started to look further afield, with dreams of connecting their network to Oxford, Birmingham and even Manchester. They took an existing stumpy branch line terminating at Swiss Cottage and extended it outwards - first to Willesden, then to Harrow, Rickmansworth, Aylesbury and beyond. Further branch lines followed, to Uxbridge, Watford and Stanmore, until the Metropolitan railway was the driving force across the northwestern Home Counties.

Long-distance traffic proved elusive, however, not least because the hoped-for connections to the Midlands failed to materialise, so the Met turned their attention instead to the land alongside their tracks. They'd had the sense to buy up acres and acres of fields while the railway was still under construction, because they realised the potential of future property development. Not only could they sell off executive villas for a tidy profit (detached houses in Ickenham sold for £650 each, for example) but they could also fill their trains with regular season-ticketed commuters (£2 first class for a month's travel from Ickenham to Baker Street). It was a surefire recipe for success.

The first published guide to Metro-land was launched in 1915. This annual glossy brochure attempted to lure the well-to-do away from built-up crammed-together London by painting a picture of a well-connected rustic paradise. All that a flat-renting smoke-dwelling clerk had to do was flick through the Metro-land brochure and select the station of his dreams. Everywhere was "traditional" but "modern", "delightful" but "convenient", "unspoilt" but "accessible". Estates were often "garden villages", country rambles were always "charming" and the golf clubs were nothing less than "luxurious". Estate agent superlatives haven't changed much over the years. The 1924 edition of the guide, the "British Empire Exhibition Number", is now available in bookshops should you want to take a look for yourself.

During the 1920s and 1930s the population of Metro-land increased dramatically. But as commuters moved in, so the countryside they had come to enjoy disappeared beneath acres of sprawling semis. Railway bosses had destroyed much of the rural idyll they were trying to sell, and these phenomenal growth rates stalled. When London Transport nationalised the line in 1933 their priorities were transport, not housing, and so the Metro-Land brand was dropped. It was left to private property investors to continue the area's transformation, at least until the Second World War and the emergence of the Green Belt put a stop to it.

Large swathes of northwest London are still mothballed in the 1930s, architecturally at least, thanks to the Metropolitan Railway. Hundreds of thousands of Londoners would live nowhere else, because they don't build homes like this any more. Indeed, it would be environmentally irresponsible to build on such a scale ever again. You don't get a tennis-court-sized garden in a modern housing development, you get a concrete patio and a windowbox. You don't get detached isolation in an inner city apartment, you get paper-thin party walls and ghetto-blasting neighbours. And you don't get a home of character with chimneypots in Prescott's Britain, you get a box surrounded by identical boxes, if you're lucky. Metro-land may be a fake Arcadia, but it's still a very desirable place to live.

The expansion of Metro-Land
from Baker Street to... Swiss Cottage (1868), Willesden Green (1879), Harrow (1890), Pinner (1885), Rickmansworth (1887), Chesham (1889), Aylesbury & on to Verney Junction (1892), Uxbridge (1904), Watford (1925), Stanmore (1932)

• The history of the Metropolitan line

posted 08:00 :

Friday, August 18, 2006

Metro-land
revisited

"Child of the first war, forgotten by the second, we called you Metro-land.
We laid our schemes, lured by the lush brochure,
Down byways beckoned, to build at last the cottage of our dreams,
A city clerk turned countryman again, and linked to the Metropolis by train."
"Metro-land", John Betjeman (BBC, 1973)

In the summer of 1972 the newly-appointed Poet Laureate, John Betjeman, took a train ride out into the London suburbs. He followed the tracks of the Metropolitan railway from Baker Street out into the northwestern suburbs, through Middlesex, Herts and Bucks, and he took a BBC camera crew with him. The resulting documentary, Metro-land, is a television classic, lovingly reflecting the quirkier side of everyday Englishness. Sir John explored the extraordinary architecture to be found in London's commuter belt and met the ordinary people who lived therein. From mock-Tudor semis to the Harrow Women's Institute, his lilting prose exalted the eccentric and the commonplace.

There was much to see. In the early 20th century Metro-land had sprawled outwards from the extending railway line, covering the countryside with faux-rural housing stock. Pavements replaced hedgerows, lawns replaced fields and half-timbered gables replaced woodland. Those who had lived in the city rushed to resettle in outskirts Arcadia. They came in search of peace, and space, and a vegetable garden of their very own - all within easy commuting distance of the urban workplace. Here and there an existing village was swallowed up, its history and customs absorbed to create a new artificial heritage. Middle England had reinvented itself, and Betjeman was on hand to celebrate the end result.

Best of all, Sir John came to my village on the day of our annual village fete. He stood on a street corner close to my house to watch the carnival floats pass by. He watched my six foot something music teacher waiting proudly on the village green with the school orchestra stacked up behind. And he smiled benignly as the Queen of the Revels tried hard not to burst in fits of giggles during her coronation ceremony. I was only seven years old at the time and I don't appear on screen, but I was there, somewhere in the background, buying ice lollies and trying to win bottles of Cresta in the tombola. In his documentary Sir John lovingly chronicled my world, my childhood and my semi-detached roots. Which makes Metro-land the perfect topic for this year's diamond geezer local history ~~month~~ fortnight.

To commemorate the centenary of Betjeman's birth, I'm attempting to revisit the locations that he visited in his seminal documentary all those decades ago. From the bustle of Baker Street to the forgotten fields of Quainton Road, and around ten stations inbetween. Will I rediscover early 20th century suburbia, or has life moved on? I shall be trying to follow the Neasden Nature Trail, searching for the pond in Harrow where half of Gilbert and Sullivan drowned, hunting for a giant organ in Chorleywood and, yes, returning 'home'. To Metro-land.

"Gaily into Ruislip Gardens runs the red electric train,
With a thousand Ta's and Pardon's daintily alights Elaine;
Hurries down the concrete station with a frown of concentration,
Out into the outskirt's edges, where a few surviving hedges
Keep alive our lost Elysium - rural Middlesex again."
"Middlesex", John Betjeman (1954)

• Metro-land is now available on DVD (hurrah)
• Cel eb rat ing John Betjeman 's centenary (born 28th August 1906)
• My full METRO-LAND REVISITED report

posted 07:00 :

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Rules of Big Brother 1 (2000, 64 days): 10 housemates enter house. Housemates nominate two fellow housemates each week, then the public vote to evict one of them. Nasty Nick's ejection is the only tweak. Sorted.

Rules of Big Brother 7 (2006, 93 days): 14 housemates enter house. First two housemates nominated for eviction by the Big Brotherhood. Shabaz walks. Dawn kicked out. Bonnie evicted. Two new housemates added. George walks. Two housemates barred from nominating. Sezer evicted. Two housemates barred from nominating. Sam evicted. Golden Housemate Suzie enters house after finding golden ticket in Kitkat bar and being selected by random lottery ball. Only Suzie's nominations count. Grace evicted. Four rule-breaking housemates forced to nominate in public. Lisa evicted. Two housemates nominated for (sssh, don't tell anybody) moving to the house nextdoor. Aisleyne moves next door. Five new housemates move in nextdoor. Jayne moves into main house. Jennie and Michael move into main house. Jonathan evicted. Aisleyne brings Spiral into main house. Lea evicted. All housemates except Jayne face eviction. Nikki evicted. Housemates face Jayne-induced punishment week. Jayne evicted. Housemates nominate in pairs for double eviction. Half of housemates sent to prison. Prisoners discover secret luxury hideaway. Michael and Spiral evicted. Housemates nominate using automated keypad. Surprise double eviction of Mikey and Suzie. Public vote to select four ex-housemates to return to house nextdoor. Jennie wins immunity from eviction. Four ex-housemates voted back into house nextdoor. Richard and Imogen move nextdoor. Imogen evicted. Nikki returns to main house. Other three ex-housemates evicted. Six housemates remain until final day. Pete wins.

Not that the producers are getting desperate, of course.

posted 17:00 :

Three of my Top Ten linkers have a book out this month...

1) Girl with a One-track Mind: Confessions of the Seductress Next Door
by Abby Lee from girl with a one track mind [published 3rd August]
Top blogger gets book deal - hurrah! Top blogger sweats for months to deliver manuscript - phew! Top blogger serialised in Sunday Times - hurrah! Top blogger appears stacked up on Charing Cross Road - hurrah! Top blogger outed by Sunday Times journalistic scum - gutted! Top blogger has best-selling paperback - bittersweet.

2) Blood, Sweat and Tea: Real Life Adventures in an Inner-city Ambulance
by Tom Reynolds from random acts of reality [published tomorrow]
What's it really like rushing around East London aboard a London ambulance, battling ill health, public stupidity and mindless bureaucracy? If you've been reading Tom's insightful blog for the last three years, then you'll already have some idea. Now all of his best posts have been morphed and updated into a shiny new volume, available in all good bookshops from tomorrow. I've had an advance copy for a fortnight (which is one of the advantages of appearing on page 279), and it's amazing the gravitas which print brings to Tom's writing. Go on, stick a copy on your bookshelf. I remain worried, however, that I risk appearing in the sequel should I ever have a nasty accident at home and be forced to ring 999.

3) Tales of Mirth and Woe
by Alistair Coleman from Scaryduck [published 1st August?]
This book may be listed on Amazon but it's strange, I've heard nothing about it recently on Scary's site, nor seen it in the shops. I wonder if this is perhaps just another one of his stories...

[Please note that the official diamond geezer book is available today at your office photocopier (please staple top left) in 48 monthly archives]

posted 00:03 :

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

1/2: This afternoon, probably somewhere around teatime, diamond geezer will receive its half-millionth visitor. Actually that's not quite true, it'll just be the half-millionth time that a slightly ropey stats package has registered a unique visitor, which isn't the same thing at all. But what's quite interesting, to me at least, is to consider how and why these visitors have arrived here:
• 20% of my visitors arrived here via a search engine. Most of these poor deluded souls no doubt clicked here expecting that my site would yield the answer to some esoteric query, only to be disappointed by what they didn't find. I therefore shouldn't really count these hundred thousand as true visitors - they arrived here under false pretences.
• 40% of my visitors arrived here via another website. That's two hundred thousand arrivals via someone's else's blogroll, or because something I wrote got mentioned somewhere. I have no idea how many of these people ever came back again.
• 40% of my visitors arrived here direct, without clicking through from a search engine or any other website. Which is nice, because it suggests that at least two hundred thousand visitors have come here deliberately.
Let's explore that second category in a bit more depth. It's time once again for an update of my regular 'league table' of top linking blogs, ordered by volume of visitors clicking here from there. I've also included the 'highest climbers' since my last update back in February. Thank you all for linking. Go on, go check out a few of the following and return the favour...
  1) girl with a one track mind (↑15)
  2) arseblog
  3) casino avenue
  4) scaryduck
  5) blue witch
  6) random acts of reality
  7) my boyfriend is a twat (↑1)
  8) london underground
  9) linkmachinego
10) funjunkie 11) route 79
12) onionbagblog
13) london calling
14) planarchy (↑3)
15) big n juicy
16) troubled diva
17) d4d (↑1)
18) bitful
19) rodcorp (↑4)
20) stroppycow (↑14)
The next 20: 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

Analysis suggests that the above list is the product of two particular types of bloglinks - slow drips and big bangs:
• Slow drip links send a steady flow of visitors here over a long period of time. A tiny 'diamond geezer' link might nestle quietly in the blogroll, perhaps sending a few passing clickers here every week, or perhaps used daily by the blog's owner. But those few clicks all mount up over months or even years and hey presto, a position in my Top 20. Thanks to all of you slow drippers - the blogosphere wouldn't work without you.
• And then there are big bang links, which appear on major(ish) blogs with high visitor traffic. One single prominent mention can attract hordes of visitors who suddenly, rightly or wrongly, descend to see what all the fuss is about. Just one big bang link can outrank a slow dripper in 24 hours flat, or even continue to gather readers three years later.

I can illustrate this by considering my new number one linking blog - girl with a one track mind. If you've never before visited this fine blog (not-worksafe), it's probably best described as "everything hot-blooded men wished girls thought about". Here's how the Girl ended up sending thousands of visitors my way:
• Back in February I was filling a slot on her blogroll and she was feeding me a slow dripper. This was merely foreplay.
• In March she thrashed me into submission to win best UK/Irish blog in the Bloggies, and my dribble-through increased.
• In April came an explosive bang when the Girl directed readers towards my April Fool post. Her passionate readers expected pussy, but all they got were kittens. None have yet sued for misdirection.
• And now she has a blockbuster paperback, recently sprawled across the media in a most unattractive manner. As thousands of new readers come across her daily, I continue to be on the receiving end of countless misguided infiltrations.
• End result: the Girl stands atop my pile, astride all opposition.

In conclusion I'd like to thank everyone - all the slow drippers, the big bangers and especially those of you who arrive here unaided - because every click-through is appreciated. Here's to the next half million...

posted 07:00 :

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Blimey - I'm being quoted in high places!
In praise of... wheelie bags
If you see people pulling something behind them these days, especially during the holiday season, it is more likely to be a bag than a dog. The invention of the wheelie is one of those things - such as hard hats and shopping trolleys - that seem so blindingly obvious in retrospect it is a wonder it did not happen earlier. But it did not...

Not everyone approves, particularly those at the receiving end of a battalion of them thundering down the platform or collecting at the bottom of an escalator. One London blogger called them "the instruments of the devil" used by people who decelerate without warning and fail to signal before swerving in front of you. Clearly he thinks there ought to be some kind of driving test. But to most travellers they are one of those unsung inventions that make life a bit easier and reduce back strain. The past few days could have been even worse for the thousands stranded in airports as a result of the terrorism threat but for a pilot's bright idea less than 20 years ago.

Leader column, The Guardian, 15 August 2006 Case study
Londoners have fallen in love with a new pet. These special travelling companions go everywhere with their mistresses and masters, always following on very close behind. They come in all shapes and sizes, they stand alert by one's side when not required and they have to be carried on escalators... I am of course talking about wheelie suitcases.

These instruments of the devil are everywhere across the capital, usually directly in front of you. I'm sure they weren't around in any great numbers a year ago, but now all of a sudden it appears that everybody has to have one... Many of those people manoeuvring wheelie suitcases around town have clearly never passed a driving test in their lives. They cut you up, they decelerate without warning, they fail to signal before swerving out in front of you, they block the path of oncoming traffic and they collide with your nearside without ever stopping to give you the address of their insurance company.

This blog, 8 September 2003
The leader writers at the Guardian are obviously very late, and very wrong, but I'll let them off just this once.

posted 17:30 :

fivelinks
• In case you didn't spot my hidden link last week, you can now play Repton, Chuckie Egg, Hopper and other 80s computer game classics online. Not that I'm recommending you waste your whole day at work clearing away the diamonds, you understand.
• The latest YouTube star is geriatric1927 (or 78-year old Peter from somewhere in central England). He only published his first two minute video ten days ago but now, eight videos later, he's been viewed 300000 times to worldwide acclaim. Just for being himself. Fair warms the cockles of your heart, it does.
• London Walks for your mp3 player - gosh, that's a good idea. Includes Soho, Greenwich and the City, amongst others, so far. [via Londonist]
• With the emergence last night of BBC1's "The One Show", comparisons are already being made to 70s current affairs legend Nationwide. Sorry Adrian and Nadia, but there is no comparison - Nationwide was tons better. Click 1969 on this timeline and you can even reacquaint yourself with Herbie the skateboarding duck.
• This month's dg kitten experience is brought to you by Mister Herman's Cat Games. Discover 48 ways to torment a cat, including "Kitty Under Glass", "Tape the Kitty's Paws", "Sleepy Kitty Surprise" and far, far worse. Nobody would ever actually play one of these games, obviously, would they? [via in4mador]

posted 07:00 :

Oh boy, Blogger is about to change. They've left our Blogger blogging interface alone for a couple of years, but now it seems that a new beta version is ready to be rolled out. Why am I so nervous? We're promised dynamic serving (which should speed publishing up a lot), we're promised "labels" (which seems to be a new word for "tags"), we're promised new site feed settings (ho hum) and we're promised additional privacy (should we want it). But all Blogger users are going to be forced to sign up for a Google Account in the process, and once we've switched to the new version we can't switch back. Apparently I'm one of the rare few to have been offered the opportunity to switch on day one, but so far I've resisted the temptation. Has anybody else out there taken the plunge into the buggy beta version? Am I being over-cautious. Or are Blogger about to bugger everything up again?

posted 01:00 :

Monday, August 14, 2006

Results:
My northernmost reader: Björn Friðgeir in Reykjavik, Iceland [64°09'N, 21°55'W]
My westernmost reader: Damien in Eugene, Oregon, USA [44°03'N, 123°06'W]
My easternmost reader: ChrisG in Beachlands, Auckland, New Zealand [36°53'S, 175°0'E]
My southernmost reader: EnZedGasMan in Wellington, New Zealand [41°17'S, 174°47'E]
(unless, of course, you know different)

posted 23:59 :

Are you my northernmost reader?
Comments
Take a look in the comments box above and, if you live closer to the North Pole than the current record holder, tell me where you are and we'll see if anyone can beat you.

Are you my westernmost reader?
Comments
Take a look in the comments box above and, if you live closer to the International Date Line (West) than the current record holder, tell me where you are and we'll see if anyone can beat you. Bow
London
E3 Are you my easternmost reader?
Comments
Take a look in the comments box above and, if you live closer to the International Date Line (East) than the current record holder, tell me where you are and we'll see if anyone can beat you.

Are you my southernmost reader?
Comments
Take a look in the comments box above and, if you live closer to the South Pole than the current record holder, tell me where you are and we'll see if anyone can beat you.

posted 08:00 :

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Silver discs (August 1981)
A monthly look back at the top singles of 25 years ago

The three best records from the Top 10 (11th August 1981)
Human League - Love Action (I Believe In Love): It was in this week 25 years ago that both the Human League and Duran Duran launched into the UK Top 10 for the very first time. With the mewl of an electronic cat and the snapping of camera shutters, the future suddenly became mainstream. The decade would never look back. Love Action thrust half-fringe Phil and his jiving Saturday girls into full public glare. It's still a brilliantly inventive record, every layer glistening with its own hooky melody. Meanwhile Hard Times lay wasted on the B side, never quite making it onto the album Dare because vinyl had insufficient capacity. Love and Dancing, anybody? [TotP] [video]
"I’ve had my hard times in the past, I’ve been a husband and a lover too, I’ve lain alone and cried at night over what love made me do"
Duran Duran - Girls On Film: How do you make the leap from New Romantic also-rans to world class music icons? You launch a flash record into the Top 10 and then promote it with an unashamedly pornographic video. Producers Godley and Creme set out to court controversy by filming six minutes of slinky pouting models wearing not much, from pole-dancing pillow fights to the notorious final mud-wrestling sequence. But did any of us actually see this rampant nipplefest when we were impressionable teenagers? Did we hell. Newborn MTV demanded heavy censorship while the BBC banned the video outright. It's only thanks to YouTube that I've finally been able to watch the scenes I'd been missing out on for 25 years, and... no, Mary Whitehouse would never have tried that with an ice cube, would she? [watch the full uncensored video here]
"See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight, heads turning as the lights flashing out it's so bright, then walk right out to the fourline track, there's a camera rolling on her back"
Electric Light Orchestra - Hold on Tight: By contrast, Jeff Lynne's ELO had graced the Top 10 on several previous occasions. Most early 80s homes owned at least one slice of ELO vinyl, most probably 1977's epic Out of the Blue, although this latest single was a bit of a departure. Gone were the trademark classical strings, updated for the new decade with synthesisers and whining guitars, and this was a storming track. But the concept album era was on the wane, and the band's future lay ultimately in a never-ending succession of repackaged greatest hits CDs. This single well deserves its place therein. [video]
"When you get so down that you can't get up, and you want so much but you're all out of luck, when you're so downhearted and misunderstood, just over & over & over you could"

My favourite three records from August 1981 (at the time)
Aneka - Japanese Boy: Sorry, but as a teenager I enjoyed a good novelty record as much as the next spotty oik. Never mind that the geisha singing this quasi-oriental track was really a Scottish housewife in a rather blatant ginger wig, I loved it. Never mind her expressionless air hostess smile or the two chopsticks poking out of the top of her head, this was cheesy holiday camp brilliance. Never mind. Two follow -up singles failed miserably to dent UK public consciousness, so Mary Sandeman returned to her day job as an ordinary mezzo soprano Scottish folk singer. But at least one with a chart-topping hit in her closet, which is more than Isla St Clair ever managed. [watch, if you dare]
"Was it something I said or done that made him pack his bags up and run, could it be another he's found, it's breaking up a happy home"
Thompson Twins - Perfect Game: Before the Thompson Twins were famous, well before they were famous, there was Perfect Game. This track was raw, it was under-produced, it was about the taboo subject of mental illness and it knocked some of the band's later more successful singles into the shadows. Back in 1981 the band weren't yet a threesome - more a giant post-punk double-digit collective with a penchant for percussion and African rhythms. Tom and Alannah had recently met in neighbouring Clapham squats (and yes, she had frizzy trademark hair even back then). Perfect.
"Somebody's crying now, his head is full of pain, taken to the building where they're playing the perfect game"
...and then there was a Northern Soul cover version. I think I'll do that due justice next month. August has enough classics already.
"Sometimes I feel I've got to run away..."

15 other hits from 25 years ago: One In Ten (UB40), For Your Eyes Only (Sheena Easton), Show Me (Dexy's Midnight Runners), Walk Right Now (Jacksons), Beachboy Gold (Gidea Park), Si Si Je Suis Un Rock Star (Bill Wyman), Startrax Club Disco (Startrax), Hand Held In Black And White (Dollar), I Love Music (Enigma), Wunderbar (Tenpole Tudor), Fire (U2), Backfired (Debbie Harry), Rainy Night In Georgia (Randy Crawford), Chemistry (Nolans), Arabian Nights (Siouxsie and the Banshees) ...which hit's your favourite? ...which one would you pick?

posted 00:25 :

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Becks writes his life story (in words of one syll-a-ble)

i am born in the east end
i love my mum, i love my dad
i am dead good at ball games.

i am signed by the man u team
my first game is at home to leeds
i am so cute and skill.

i meet posh spice, we shag
she makes me wear a dress, then we wed
look... one, two, three boys!

i score lots of goals from free kicks
oops, a bad foul, i am sent off
now all the fans hate me.

i play so well i get made big team boss
my face sells specs in the far east
cor, see my tatts!

sven takes a shine to me
my foot breaks, but mends in time for the world cup
we lose, sob.

i change my hair a lot
a quiff, then blond, all cropped, a fin, then braids
like a big girl.

fergs throws a boot at me, ouch, he is mean
i don't like man u no more
i tell all in the sun

i go play in spain
i am a brand, i am a star, i am a god
but i'm not as good as i was.

one last world cup chance
a red card ends it all
new boss steve says no thanks, bye.

posted 00:10 :

Friday, August 11, 2006

I'm off by train to Norfolk this morning. It's a very straight-forward journey - a short bus ride up to Stratford station, buy a ticket, pass through the barriers and hop aboard a fast train out east. But I wonder how different things might now be, were I to try to make the same trip in two years' time...

Monday, August 11, 2008

07:00 Exit house
07:01 Walk to Stratford rather than waste time trying to board the Armoured Bendy Bus
07:25 Arrive at Stratford Domestic Fortress - join long queue to enter station
07:40 Preliminary security check - sneered at by police dog
07:48 Undergo compulsory fingerprinting and electronic ID check
07:49 Accidentally mistaken for terrorist suspect with similar name to myself
07:50 Wait in quarantine zone while policewoman confirms I'm not a 67 year-old Nigerian female
08:41 Allowed to return to queue as fellow passengers give me suspicious looks
08:54 Exchange pre-booked ticket for biometric boarding pass
08:55 Place boarding pass inside clear plastic bag
08:56 Surrender newspaper, apple, biro, bottle of water and other dangerous hand luggage and place in incinerator provided
08:58 Suitcase taken away for detailed forensic examination
09:03 Remove shoes and other superfluous items of clothing which might be harbouring explosive padding
09:05 Walk through electronic security scanner, which then beeps for no reason because they always bloody do
09:06 Patted down by scary bearded security guard using her large rubber wand
09:11 Replace trousers and continue into station
09:16 All documentation triple-checked before being allowed to enter the platform
09:19 Genitals sniffed by fierce-looking police hound
09:20 Train is not due for well over an hour, but I was expecting those security checks to take longer
10:25 Starting to lose the will to live
10:38 Announcement that train will arrive 45 minutes late due to "additional security protocols at Liverpool Street"
11:53 Train actually arrives 75 minutes late due to "decamping suspicious looking passengers at Bethnal Green"
11:54 Take pre-assigned seat in extra-secure carriage and fasten safety belt
11:59 In-train attendants begin 5 minute safety demonstration "for the benefit of passengers joining the train at Stratford"
12:04 Train departs
12:33 Still nothing to do but re-read the safety instructions or stare at the blacked-out windows
12:47 Bloke comes round pushing trolley selling security-cleared beverages
12:55 & 14:32 & 15:25 Similarly long and tedious waits at Colchester, Ipswich and Stowmarket
16:06 This journey may be damned slow and bloody boring but hey, at least it's safe
16:42 Finally arrive at rural Norfolk station in one piece
16:43 Terrorist group explode bomb in Yorkshire shopping centre instead

posted 07:00 :

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Carbon audit, anyone?

It's official. We're all destroying the environment through our thoughtless production of huge amounts of carbon dioxide. If we continue at this rate there won't be a planet left for our grandchildren to enjoy, and that would be a bad thing. So the government is to take firm and decisive action to safeguard the future... by introducing an optional carbon audit. I've reproduced part of it below. Imagine the enormous impact on climate change if a few people take this online survey and maybe change their behaviour a bit, for a few weeks. The whole planet could be saved. Go on, click away and play your part.

1) Do you own a car?
a) Yes, I have a really big 4x4 and I drive it very fast (200 tonnes)
b) Yes, but I only use it to drive to the bottle bank and back (5 tonnes)
c) No, I bicycle everywhere because I'm an environmental angel (0 tonnes)
2) Do you ever fly abroad on holiday?
a) Yes, but no more than five times a year (500 tonnes)
b) Sometimes, but I prefer caravanning instead (70 tonnes)
c) No, I always spend my holidays at home fitting loft insulation (0 tonnes)
3) Have you fitted energy efficient light bulbs?
a) No, don't be silly, they cost more (80 tonnes)
b) Yes, but only when one of my normal bulbs blows (4 tonnes)
c) No need, I'm sitting here in the dark instead (0 tonnes)
4) Do you offset your carbon emissions?
a) Yes, I often pay for a new pine forest to be planted (-500 tonnes)
b) Yes, I've installed a wind turbine on the roof (-250 tonnes)
c) No, but I've tried to cut down on eating baked beans (-5 tonnes)
5) Have you been breathing recently?
a) No, I've been holding my breath for the last five minutes trying to prevent excessive carbon dioxide emissions (0 tonnes)
b) Blimey, I never realised breathing was bad for the environment - I'll stop now (0 tonnes)
c) Yes, sorry, but it's no good saving the planet if I can't live to enjoy it (1000 tonnes)
[hang on, this might be a real carbon audit here]

posted 07:00 :

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Why the NHS is utterly brilliant

I've been lucky in my life so far. I've only been into hospital twice - once to be born and then again a few years later to have an ingrowing toenail removed. I'd still be alive today even without a national health service. My middle-aged body hasn't seriously malfunctioned yet, not as far as I know, and I'm still here unassisted. Not all of you might have been so fortunate. One single accident, illness or condition might already have stopped you in your tracks before you reached the age you are now. But you're still here, because modern medicine patched you up, for free. And I'd really miss you if you weren't here.

posted 07:00 :

Why the NHS is truly buggered

<arrive home to find automated message on answerphone, as follows>

Automated female voice 1: <official name of hospital>
Automated female voice 2: Patients at this hospital now have access to a personal telephone at their bedside. You can call this patient directly without going through the hospital switchboard or disturbing the nurses. Calls are charged at 39 pence per minute off peak and 49 pence per minute at all other times. The telephone number you need to dial is...
Automated female voice 3: <0><7><0><4><6> <3><8> <x><x><x><x>
Automated female voice 2: Let me repeat those details again for you. You can contact...
Automated female voice 4: <Ms> <horribly mispronounced name of patient>
Automated female voice 2: ...in...
Automated female voice 1: <official name of hospital>
Automated female voice 2: ...and their personal telephone number is...
Automated female voice 3: <0><7><0><4><6> <3><8> <x><x><x><x>
Automated female voice 2: Friends and family often choose to make a gift purchase of TV and telephone time using their credit card. If you would like to arrange this, please call 0800 959 3100. Any unused credit can be fully refunded on request.

<deep sigh, and ring extortionately-priced telephone number>

Coming soon (no doubt):
• dial-a-ride ambulances (please swipe your Oyster card on entrance and exit)
• McDonalds franchises for in-hospital catering
• £5 surcharge on flowers not purchased from the stall in the foyer
• hourly admission charges for visitors (blood relatives half price)
• pedalo hospital trolleys
• coin-in-the-slot anaesthetic in the operating theatre
• your choice of 'Economy', 'Standard' or 'Deluxe' nursing
• free upgrades to private healthcare with new NHS Reward Points

posted 06:30 :

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Some people moan too much. If the weather's too hot, they'll moan. If the weather's too cold, they'll moan. If the air conditioning isn't turned down to exactly the temperature... no, not that far, up a degree, oh for heaven's sake can't you even get that right you moron... they'll moan. Everything is flawed, everything is imperfect, and everything is someone else's fault.

Bloggers are particularly good at moaning. My journey into work this morning, you wouldn't believe how bad it was. That new government initiative, it's rubbish isn't it? I've spotted somebody who thinks differently to me, the idiot, here's why they're wrong. Oh yes, if you need an easy target for debate, just pull something (or someone) apart.

Of course not all moaning is a bad thing. Constructive criticism can often be helpful. Complaining about poor customer service is almost always justified. Trying to change the world through the ballot box is the cornerstone of democracy. But for some people, too many people, moaning is a pointless negative emotion which all too easily spirals out of control.

If you're watching a football match on TV, shouting at the screen doesn't make your team play any better. If you're waiting for a delayed train, stamping your feet up and down the platform never makes it arrive any sooner. If you're diagnosed with something potentially serious, griping about it won't make you healthier any quicker. Sometimes you have no control whatsoever over your situation - you're in the hands of others - and moaning really doesn't help anybody.

So today I just wanted to salute those amongst us who have every reason to moan, but don't. Those who surprise others by getting on with their life where others might expect them to grumble. Those who know that some things are better faced up to than confronted. I hope I'd be like that if I were ever in a similar situation. And, if I were, at least now I know where I get it from.

posted 07:00 :

Blimey. MSN Search UK have decreed that diamond geezer is one of the "30 best blogs" on the internet. Which is very kind of them, if completely misguided. They've decided to split their shortlist of "essential online diaries" into six categories, as follows , and I'm completely mystified by the classification they've selected for me. Go on, which category do you think best fits my blog? And then check. Surely not?

posted 00:30 :

Monday, August 07, 2006

Town v Country: where do you feel safer?

Here's a fairly typical London subway. It's gloomy, it's secluded and it's just that bit too quiet. Walk down here and you're on your own... or rather you hope you are. Is that something moving in the shadows up ahead, or someone? If it's a gang of local youths approaching, will they demand your wallet at knifepoint or will they just walk on by? It's easy to let your imagination run away with you in an urban hellhole like this. And yet walking through this subway didn't worry me at all. Not one negative thought flashed through my head - I just kept my eyes open and walked confidently ahead. Other people approached but I didn't quiver, not once, and nothing untoward happened. I even flashed my camera around in a 'please steal me' kind of a way, but nobody did. Maybe it's over-confidence, but I have no irrational fear of urban crime.

Here, on the other hand, is a typical Home Counties field. A swathe of rolling grassland leads down to a wooded river valley, miles away from the grime and bustle of the modern city. Gorgeous isn't it? I was there yesterday afternoon, soaking up every ounce of rural charm. Birds soared overhead, butterflies frolicked in the vegetation and the sun beat down upon my sweaty brow. What could be more peaceful? And yet, standing here taking this photograph, I was nervous as anything.

I can't walk down a country footpath without fearing what might be round the next corner. It's not so much the humans I worry about as the canine companions they might have brought with them. Yes, I know that a rural footpath is perfect for exercising frisky dogs and that they have every right to be here. And yes I know that responsible dog owners always keep their dogs under control when others pass by. But from a distance I can't differentiate an off-leash controlled dog from a manic ill-trained beast, and I have a tendency to imagine the worst. The very last thing I want to meet out here in the middle of nowhere is a bouncy over-friendly hound yapping round my ankles... or maybe even higher. I'd rather experience only the natural wildlife, thank you very much, and never have to worry about the motives of four-legged visitors.

So, against the generally accepted view of things, I feel safer in urban areas. Rural footpaths give me the willies, and I never feel at ease while I'm walking along one. I'm getting better - I managed several at the weekend - but I still tend not to go walking in the countryside as often as I might. Which is a shame. And I suppose I should count myself extremely fortunate that I've never (yet) suffered any form of violent experience on the streets of London which might deter me from venturing outdoors in the city as well. If being hounded is the worse of my fears, life can't be all bad.

posted 07:00 :

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The internet changed my life

The world wide web is 15 years old today. I guess that makes it a petulant teenager, which seems appropriate - it's irresponsible, it's untidy and it spends a lot of its time hunting for pornography. But in those fifteen years the internet has undoubtedly changed the world. It certainly changed my life.

I keep a diary so I know exactly what I was doing on Tuesday 6th August 1991 - the day the world wide web went public. I was woken (thanks Mum) by the arrival of a letter from my solicitor. I was attempting to buy a flat at the time - something I eventually managed without searching for property online or sending a single email. It would never happen today. I read through the newspaper and then, just in case something important had happened since the paper was printed, I checked the latest news on Ceefax. It would never happen today. In the afternoon my brother told me he'd heard that one of his best mates at school had since transformed into a multi-earringed peroxide-haired jazz player. We wanted to check, but there was nowhere to look. It would never happen today. And then I spent the evening at my keyboard playing a very long game of Re pt on. My computer was plugged into the mains but not the telephone socket, so all that could appear on my screen were words I'd written or software I'd bought. It was all so very insular and, thankfully, it would never happen today.

My life now is very different, and a lot of that is thanks to the internet. I get more emails in a day than I used to get letters in a month. I can check the news whenever I want, rather than waiting for the TV or a newspaper to tell me. I can do instant research without once having to visit a library. I can fill my spare time online without ever needing to leave the house and meet people in real life. And I can communicate with you and you can communicate with me because we're connected, which we never were before. Hurrah!

The day the internet really changed my life was Tuesday 3rd November 1998. That was the evening when I used my fledgling internet connection to check a recruitment website in a county 50 miles away and, hey presto, discovered a particularly appropriate job. I'd never have noticed the post otherwise, not anywhere paper-based and certainly not before the closing date. I got the job a month later, uprooted myself from comfortable normality and took an enormously big risk... which promptly backfired spectacularly. But without that risk I'd never have got the job I'm in now and I'd probably never have moved to London. And I doubt you'd be reading this blog today because in my old job I'd never have found the time to write it. Who'd have thought so much could hinge on one single 1998 webpage?

I owe the internet a lot, because I'd not be where I am today without it. How about you?

posted 08:00 :

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Message to ITV viewers who may just have arrived here via Google:
This is not David Jason's Diamond Geezer.
But this is diamond geezer's David Jason.

posted 21:25 :

Where's your nearest London football club?

As the new football season kicks off, you'll either be thinking "Oh no, not again, the bloody World Cup's not been over for a month yet!" or "Ooh, where's my nearest London football club?" Assuming it's the latter, here's a special 2006/7 season map to help you.
Every London borough containing a League football club is shaded, using a different colour for each division.

London's football clubs aren't terribly well spread out, are they? The borough of Hammersmith and Fulham may be tiny, but it boasts as many as three top flight soccer teams. Meanwhile residents of south London get to share just three clubs between them, and two of those cling reluctantly close to the Thames. North-east-ish Londoners are absolutely spoilt for choice with some very big names on their doorstep. But north-westerners have a bit of commuting to do, and may find that their closest club isn't even in London. Still, with 30% of the country's Premiership clubs and only 15% of the population, Londoners can't really complain.

Premiership Championship League One League Two

Arsenal
Charlton
Chelsea
Fulham
Tottenham
West Ham
(Watford) Crystal Palace
QPR Brentford
Leyton Orient
Millwall Barnet

• Apologies to non-residents of London, for whom this post is irrelevant.
• Actually no, because everybody has a nearest London football club.
• For example, if you live in Liverpool then your nearest London football club is Barnet FC.
• Sadly I'm willing to bet that more people in Barnet support Liverpool than support Barnet.

posted 08:00 :

Friday, August 04, 2006

How not to buy the Evening Standard

It should be very easy not to buy a copy of the Evening Standard. Walk straight past the vendor sat outside your local tube station, ignoring the big poster and the folded newspapers piled up in front of him, and go catch your train home. Even staring out of the window into a dark tunnel can be more interesting than reading the Standard's daily mix of froth, gossip and lifestyle.

But wait! The newspaper's editors have a devious trick up their sleeve - the suggestive headline. This hints that something really interesting has happened while you've been at work, but completely fails to reveal the outcome. There's only one way to satisfy your immediate curiosity, and that's to fork out 40p on buying a copy. Read beneath the headline and you'll soon realise that nothing earth-shattering has happened. You've been had. But it's too late - the Standard has your 40p and you have nothing of any value.

Come on London! You too can learn to interpret the Standard's suggestive headlines. You too can read between the lines to discover their true meaning. It's easy, and it could save you up to £100 a year.

Lesson 1: immediately following the monthly meeting of the Bank of England's Monetary Policy Committee

Headline INTEREST
RATE
SHOCK INTEREST
RATE
DECISION INTEREST
RATE
SURPRISE
Translation Interest rates
have risen Interest rates
stay the same Interest rates
have fallen

Lesson 2: when a public figure is in the spotlight

Headline ROCKSTAR
DEATH
TRAGEDY BECKHAM
DIVORCE
SENSATION TORY MP
DRUGS
SCANDAL
Translation Obscure 60s guitarist
has snuffed it Posh and Becks deny rumours of split Politician quits pharmaceutical company

Lesson 3: when nothing particularly newsworthy has happened

Headline CRIME
TERROR
INCREASES MORTGAGE
DOOM
CRISIS TUBE
HORROR
NIGHTMARE
Translation Putney woman has handbag snatched House prices in Putney fall by 0.1% Putney commuter fails to get seat

Now test yourself by studying Darren's flickr gallery of 174 Evening Standard headlines.

posted 07:00 :

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Top telly - most watched

BARB, the organisation which tallies UK TV viewing figures, is 25 years old this week. Its statistical accumulation is carried out by inviting 5100 random UK households to record all their TV viewing habits in a big diary, originally paper-based but now via a proper electronic gizmo. BARB have even managed to randomly select at least one person who watches price-drop.tv, so full respect to them. To celebrate their 25th anniversary BARB have set up a special website which lists, amongst other things, the 10 most watched programmes in each of the last 25 years. And blimey it's fascinating watching tastes come and go, and seeing viewing figures tumble. You can view the complete set of 'most watched' programmes here, or just skim through my list of five-yearly highlights below...

1981's TV Top 3
1) Royal Wedding (39m)
2) Jaws (23.9m)
3) Diamonds Are Forever (19.2m) You'd never get a film topping the TV ratings these days, would you, but 25 years ago video rental had yet to take off. And that Diana was always a dead cert ratings banker. Here she was, showing off her crumpled wedding dress to two thirds of the entire UK population. Diana also topped the TV charts in 1995 with her Panorama interview (22.8m) and in 1997 with, well, you know (19.3m).
1986's TV Top 3
1) EastEnders (30.1m)
2) Just Good Friends (20.7m)
3) Coronation Street (19.2m) This was the EastEnders Christmas when Den served Angie with her divorce papers and a depressed Arthur trashed the living room, giving the newly-fledged E20 drama the best soap ratings of all time. Twee comedy was also making its mark, not just with soppy Vince and Penny at number 2 but also, further down the top 10, with Duty Free and Last of the Summer Wine. You can see where UK Gold gets its programming ideas from.
1991's TV Top 3
1) Coronation Street (20.4m)
2) London's Burning (18.9m)
3) Neighbours (18.8m) Now here's Corrie back on top, although its most watched episode in this year featured nothing especially memorable ("Betty struggles to cope in the pub without Alec when Bet takes the day off to shop."). And here we are back in the era when Neighbours was inexplicably popular, with daily viewing figures greater than the entire population of Australia.
1996's TV Top 3
1) Only Fools And Horses (24.3m)
2) Coronation Street (19.8m)
3) Casualty (18.0m) After fifteen years of dodgy scamming in the Peckham area, this was the Christmas when the Trotters finally struck gold in the form of an antique watch. I was one of the 30 million who decided to give it a miss. And why do people still watch Casualty? It's just social inadequates having freak accidents and getting treated by emotionally incompetent medics, isn't it?
2001's TV Top 3
1) Only Fools And Horses (21.3m)
2) EastEnders (20.0m)
3) Coronation Street (16.2m) Five years after supposedly the last ever Only Fools And Horses episode, the BBC dragged the show back to keep Christmas audiences happy. I think I hid in the spare room for the duration. And EastEnders had an audience again, here for the top-rated episode in which Phil Mitchell revealed the identity of the evil minx who'd shot him a month earlier. Back then, strangely enough, the British public actually cared.
2006's TV Top 3
1) England v Sweden (18.5m)
2) England v Ecuador (16.3m)
3) England v Portugal (16.2m) We've not had Christmas yet, so this list could change, but oh how telling of modern Britain. We don't come together for comedy any more, or for drama, or even for soap, but we are all transfixed by eleven over-rated male models displaying their football incompetence on the world stage. Maybe if the lads from Coronation Street agreed to play five-a-side against the louts from Albert Square the soaps might stand some hope of a renaissance. But probably not.

[Go on, check out the full set of yearly top tens, you know you want to. See if you can find Mary Poppins, Dennis Norden's Laughter File, Challenge Anneka, Name That Tune and the Grand Royal Knockout Tournament]

posted 07:00 :

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Test your tube memory: How good is your knowledge of the London Underground Map? Here's a challenge and a half! Test yourself online by writing the names of as many stations as possible onto a blank tube map. There are 324 stations to fill in altogether (including the DLR and the North London line). I managed 273 before my brain gave out - can anybody beat that? How many can you remember?

posted 17:00 :

Sign here: Denzil Road

This is Denzil Road, NW10. This is backstreet Neasden. Here in the London borough of Brent the street signs look very different to those we saw in Bow yesterday. The main typeface is clear and bold, yet still with a characterful jaunty curve. Other information is banished to the perimeter in tiny red capitals, with the postcode presumably included just in case a passer-by suddenly feels the urge to post a letter to one of the street's residents. And, erm, well, there's not much else to say, is there? It's just a bloody street sign for heaven's sake.

Yes, you're right, there's no way I can keep up this street sign stuff for a month. I can write in-depth about nothing much for a day, but that's my limit. I confess I've been wanting to write a post about the street signs of Bow Road for some time, because I'm impressed by their historical diversity. But now I have. So let's move on. Local history month will therefore be starting a little later than usual. I do have a particularly special topic in mind, but one that's far better suited to a local history fortnight. So let's try again in a couple of weeks. Honest, it'll be worth the wait. And NW10 will be back too...

posted 00:02 :

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Sign here: Bow Road

You can learn so much about an area's history just by looking at its street signs. When were they erected, and who or what were they named after? So that's my quest this August, starting with (where else) my local street. I've walked the full length of Bow Road, all nearly-one mile of it, and photographed an incredibly wide variety of street signs at various junctions along the way [album here]. And what a fascinating window into the past these signs provide as they evolve from old to new. As follows...

Converse to what you might expect, there's only one proper 'Bow Road' street sign along Bow Road. Here it is, just outside St Clement's Hospital, at the point where my home street morphs into the Mile End Road. This is an unloved sign, hidden on a wall beside a phone box behind a bus shelter [photo], which may just be why it's managed to survive for so long. And look, some humorous south-of-the-river wit with a black marker pen has tried adding an 'S' to the postcode, turning Bow into Blackheath. No thanks. [photo]

This Bow Road sign, by contrast, looks rather more artificial. It's stuck to the front of the local undertakers and was probably knocked together by an old employee, I'd guess in the 1950s or 60s. Bow Road is almost a millennium older. It's been the main thoroughfare from Essex to London ever since Queen Matilda lost her horses in a nearby ford and ordered the construction of a bow-shaped bridge over the Lea. Honest. [photo]

Here's a much older street sign, probably the oldest along the entire road. It's also stuck to the undertakers' wall, but this time high aloft a side alley above where the local fire station once stood. The alley's recently been fenced off and gated as part of a modern apartment development, and I suspect that's the only reason why this charming metal sign still exists. [photo]

This sign's not quite so ancient but it's definitely older than I am. It predates the reorganisation of London's boroughs in 1965, back when round here was all Poplar and not Tower Hamlets. The sign's showing signs of rust and decay now, having seen much better days, but it has a character more modern street signs sorely lack. [photo]

Here's another, rather less ornate, sign from the days of the London borough of Poplar. I suspect that the lettering at the top once used to be red, but that decades of weathering have taken their toll. Note too that, whereas earlier postcodes boasted full stops after both the E and the 3, these are now restricted to following the initial letter E only. [photo]

We're post-1965 now, with a sign on which the name of the new borough is almost more prominent than the name of the street. You probably can't see very clearly but somebody's scratched the face of a rather sad-looking bloke in the top right-hand corner [photo]. But at least this rather grim sign is doing better than its counterpart on the opposite side of the street which has been completely removed from its posts by thoughtless vandals. [photo]

This is a dreadfully uninspired street name, plonked on a featureless wall down one of the least attractive streets in the whole of Bow. The council apartments here look like a stack of unfinished piled-up concrete blocks - which makes me suspect that the architect never lived in one himself. The street sign design matches the tedium of the area to perfection. [photo]

One of the innovations introduced by Tower Hamlets councillors in the 1980s was the creation of several local 'neighbourhoods'. Bow Road marked the dividing line between two of these - Bow neighbourhood to the north and Poplar neighbourhood to the south. The two street signs pictured here, snapped on opposite sides of the road, reflect their neighbourhood location with a coloured logo. Personally I think Bow's navy blue [photo] looks rather more impressive than Poplar's weak green [photo], but you may disagree. The Coborn Road sign also displays one of the curses of modern street furniture - the advertising sticker. Who knows what 'mystic' event this was promoting, but it's probably now years out of date. Note too that, as we near the present day, street signs are getting longer and thinner, and that postcodes are becoming full-stop free. [photo]

The best laid schemes of council administrators don't always go to plan, and here some rampant ivy down the wall of a gentrified terrace has obscured most of this street name from view. Sadly this is Alfred Street and not Albert Square - you have to head across the Lea to Stratford to find a genuine one of those. [photo]

Over the last couple of years Tower Hamlets council have started wiping away most of the old street signs across the borough and replacing them with basic, white signs such as this. They're very clear and simple, and have probably been designed to comply with some all-encompassing legislation on accessibility for partially sighted citizens. But they're not exactly historically sensitive examples of modern design, are they? The only thing that's still interesting about this particular street sign today is the baffling name of the street. [photo]

And finally, here's a street sign designed not by the council but by a bunch of artists. This one appears high up on the wall of the Bow Arts Trust, above an alleyway which previously didn't have a name but does now. It's shameless, I tell you, and proof positive that street signs continue to evolve even into the 21st century. [photo]

And that's your lot for today. I hope you've found my journey through the history of Bow Road street signs fascinating. If you have, maybe you could try something similar for the street where you live. Who knows what you might find! But do come back tomorrow because we're off to Denzil Road, NW10. See you there...

posted 00:01 :

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